There Are Days.....

"I've cried, and you'd think I'd be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine the rest of my life." ~ Conor Oberst

"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad." ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

There is an old saying that time takes away the grief of men.

I respectfully disagree.

Grief never goes away.

It goes into hiding.

It resurfaces just when you think it has finally gone away.

Sometimes there is an anniversary or a memory that triggers it.

Often times, there is absolutely no reason.

But, it never completely goes away. 

Never.

Regardless of time.  

Regardless of how well your life is going.

Grief never disappears.

I have had different bouts of grief throughout my life due to the loss of my mother, father, sister, and brother-in-law.  

However, I am sure it comes as no surprise that the largest source of my grief is the loss of my husband Brian.  

Not a day goes by without a thought of Brian. 

Not a day goes by without a pang of sadness and missing him.

Some days the pang comes and goes.

Other days, it overwhelms me.

Other days, it overwhelms me and over stays its welcome.  

I suspect it has something to do with how complete my life seemed to be once Brian entered it.  

Grief unfortunately reminds me of how full my life was with him.

It serves as a reminder that my life is somewhat incomplete without him.

Don't get me wrong, I have a fantastic life.  I am extremely blessed with three wonderfully talented and amazingly independent, smart, resilient children.  Without my children, my life would be even more incomplete.  

Yes, I have a fantastic life.  Great family, great job, great friends, a roof over my head.

BUT,  grief keeps sneaking in reminding me of what I am missing.  Of how even more fantastic my life was.  And all the dreams and plans I had for my life as it was.

However, when grief overwhelms me, somehow I pull myself out of it.  I don't know how I do it.  Sometimes it is a swift kick in the butt from a friend, a good night sleep, a great run.  

During these times, that same sadness also reminds me of what I have, what I have overcome and causes me to reflect, redirect and set new goals.

As I write this, I am not sad but I am not happy.  I feel the sadness, the emptiness that grief introduces to us lurking.  I've pushed it aside but I know it is just waiting....waiting to pounce unannounced.

And hopefully, I'l be ready.  Hopefully it will be an easy hurdle but sometimes it isn't.

Why am I sharing this?  

We all know someone that is grieving or perhaps you are grieving - or will someday.

I don't imagine I am alone in feeling this way and I want others to know they are not alone.

I want others that are not grieving to understand that their grieving friends will go through a roller coaster of emotions the rest of their lives.  Sometimes up and down quite often, other times spread out over years.

But please know, grief is a very complicated.

Do not expect someone to just "move on", do not expect to feel "normal" again.  

Just when you think the old normal has returned, there it is....the grief resurfaces. 

This teeter-totter, tilt-a-whirl of emotions is the new normal. 

Be mindful.  Be prepared.  Be supportive.

The Bonus Days

"When the heart grieves over what is has lost, the spirit rejoices over what it has left.

8 years ago I endured the worst 24 hours of my life....

8 years ago, Brian was taken into emergency surgery.....

From the same hospital bed he had spent the last week.....

From the moment he was admitted to the hospital for a low blood count.....

To the moment he returned from "exploratory surgery" which identified cancer throughout his body....

The same hospital bed he shared with our 9 and 6 year old boys that he had cancer....

The same hospital bed that he watched the 2004 Summer Olympics and the swimming competition with Jay and Nolan sitting beside him.....

The same hospital bed that we discussed insurance coverage and that he panicked about who the beneficiary was on the life insurance policy his grandmother had the foresight to purchase for him as a college graduation gift.

Less than an hour earlier, I had called one of his closest friends from college to share the news that Brian was in the hospital and was diagnosed with cancer.....

Less than an hour earlier I had shared with his friend that we were heading to Houston for treatment options.....

Less than an hour earlier, I was making breakfast for our children.

As I rushed to the hospital after Brian's call and urgent voice that something was drastically wrong, I remember seeing all the kids moving in at Illinois Wesleyan College and being angry....

Angry that their lives were still going on.....


Angry that no one else was going through what we were going through.....

Angry that there was so much uncertainty in our lives.

I met my mother-in-law in the waiting area and we headed down to the chapel.  We were not there 5 minutes when we were paged.

10 minutes after I walked into the hospital....30 minutes after Brian was taken into surgery.

This could not be good.

And it was worse than "this could not be good."

The surgeon - fighting through tears of his own - shared that there were complications from his previous surgery.

Looking back I should have recognized that surgeons do not cry....

Looking back I should have known that the news was terrible....

Looking back I feel bad that I was so clueless and made the surgeon repeat himself....

Over and over.....

And finally he had to be direct and blunt....

There was nothing they could do.

What?  What?  I don't understand....

Nothing you can do?

Nothing we can do.....Brian has 24 to 48 hours to live.

And then we just sat...Brian's mother and I.....

We just sat.....

We didn't know what to do....

Suddenly Brian's brother appeared....

I called one of my friends and left a frantic message to go to my house to relieve my sister-in-law....she needed to be there to console my brother and mother-in-law.

I had to make phones calls....to Brian's father....to my family....

And finally we got to see Brian.

He of course had no recollection what the surgeon had shared with him.....so I had to repeat it.

And just like me, he asked me to repeat it again.

And in true attorney fashion, he asked to speak to his surgeon (his wife couldn't have gotten this correct)....

And in true attorney fashion, he insisted they interrupt a surgery so he could speak to the surgeon....

And in true Brian fashion, he insisted that if he was going to die in 24 hours, he wanted a room with a view and a Coke.

And in true Brian fashion, he got what he wanted.....

And he made his mother and I laugh....

Because when they brought him his "Coke", he promptly announced, "This is a Pepsi.  I am dying....I want a COKE."  

And the nurses scrambled to put together their change and bought him a Coke from the machine.

Long story, I know.  But that 24 hours kept getting extended.....Brian didn't pass away for another week.  We had 5 bonus days together.

During that time, his unsuspecting fraternity brother called his room....thinking Brian was just recovering and getting ready for his trip to Houston.  He had no idea Brian was just given a death sentence.

And as the day passed, more fraternity brothers called from all across the country.  The phone never stopped ringing.

Two brothers flew to middle of the nowhere Illinois to visit him

And we reminisced and laughed after every phone call.....

And we shared memories with one another.....

And I slept each night on a cot next to his bed....

And he held my hand tightly each night.....all night.

Yes, it was the worst 24 hours of my life.....to be told that the one you love is going to die within the next few hours....

But, it was some of the most wonderful 5 days afterwards.....sharing with one another....sharing with each other how much we loved one another.....sharing all our deepest thoughts and feelings....and each minute being a "bonus."

Please, please, please....do NOT wait until the last 24 hours to take advantage of "bonus" days.  Think of each and every day you wake up next to the one you love as a "bonus" day.  Share with them how much you care for them....respect them.....give them the best of you!

If not for you and your loved one....than do it for what Brian and I am missing each and every day....and for the intense loneliness that surrounds my every moment.