It finally happened.
It only took 9 years.
And it took my 9 year old to make me realize it.
Today I went on a bike ride with my daughter, as we so often do.
A short 5 mile ride to grab lunch and hit the library.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
Along the way, we chatted....as we so often do.
I am always amused by the thoughts running through my 9 year old's head......especially while she is riding a bike (although I wish she would concentrate a bit more on keeping her line!).
About halfway through our ride, she advised me that it is only 10 days until her birthday. She is incredibly excited to be DOUBLE DIGITS!
Woo Whoo!!!
Wait a second.....
My mind began doing the math.....
If it was 10 days until her birthday, it was only 9 days until the anniversary of her dad's passing.
And that meant that the anniversary of his being diagnosed with cancer, had come and gone.....without a thought by me.
And the days from that terrible afternoon until this day, which were filled with just as terrible news and emotions, had also come and gone.....without a thought by me.
This was a first.
Each year since that terrible Friday afternoon on August 6, 2004 (The Day My World Began Moving in Slow Motion) and all the days leading up to the day Brian passed away on Friday, August 20, 2004, the first two weeks of August have been an awful walk down memory lane. And not a lane I'd want anyone else to ever have to visit.
Suddenly, for whatever reason, on the 9th anniversary of my husband's passing, I didn't remember the day he was suddenly admitted to the hospital. I didn't relive the moments the surgeon changed our lives from one filled with hope for a lifetime of memories to a panic of just days of survival. The sudden realization that I would have to make phone calls to share the news with his mother, his father, his brother, my family.....and worst of all, our children.
(see my past blogs that describe how I was feeling in previous years)
I am not sure what is different about this year than the past 8 years, but this year feels different.
And although I doubt I'll ever forget ever minute of those two weeks, at least this year, I get to remember them on my own terms.
I never believed this day would come.
I thought if it this day did ever come. I would feel guilty.....as though I had turned my back on Brian.
But honestly, it is an incredible relief.
I am sure the actual anniversary of his passing will come with a heavy heart - especially since this year we will not be spending it at the LIVESTRONG Challenge in Philadelphia surrounded by fantastic friends as we have the past three years.
Instead, it will be a regular day...driving kids around town, attending meetings at work, helping my oldest pack for college, getting out for a run or ride, and I am certain, finding time to fittingly honor Brian.
I live every day honoring this amazing man....the love of my life and the incredible father of our three equally amazing and unique children.
Thankfully I am able to finally do it without laboring over all the terrible minutes of those two weeks of pain.
Live really does go on....
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Saturday, May 11, 2013
A Motherless Mother's Day
The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her. ~ Author Unknown
A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her bones. ~ Kristin Hannah
Another Mother's Day.
My 43rd Mother's Day without my mother.
I have been blessed throughout my life to have plenty of "other mothers" in my life to help fill the void - my sisters, many of my friends mothers, and a wonderful mother-in-law who has always treated me as her own daughter - even more so after her son passed away. (Check out my past two years Mother's Day posts to read more about these incredible women - Our Other Mothers and Sisters as Mothers....Mothers as Sisters)
Yes, I am incredibly lucky to have had all these fantastic women in my life guiding me along life's difficult journey.
However, I would be lying to all of you if I said I didn't feel a void.
I have no memories of my mother but I've missed her my entire life.
Funny to miss something or someone you never knew, isn't it?
Crazy.
It is so very different than the void I have from the loss of my father, my sister and my husband.
But a void all the same.
And one that doesn't seem very apparent very often, but there are times....
....when I was going to my prom
....when I was deciding on colleges
....when I was feeling rejected and sad
....when I realized I was falling in love with Brian
....when I was getting married
....when I was pregnant for the first time
....and the second, third and fourth
....when I miscarried the third pregnancy
....when I struggled as a first time mom
...when I struggled with the loss of my spouse
All those major times in a girls's life that they rely upon their mother for guidance, support and love.
Yes, I have had my sisters and other mothers to fill those voids during those times, but I've always wondered....
What was my mother like?
Am I anything like her?
Would I be a different version of me?
Would I have made different decisions?
Mother's Day often creeps up on me because honestly it wasn't ever a day that was celebrated in my childhood. Just as Father's Day is not celebrated by my children.
It is a day of reflection on what is missing.
Although, it is quite wonderful to know that all those things I missed in my lifetime, I am here to do for my children and hope to be here for all of them.
At this time next week, I'll be watching my oldest graduate from high school. I'm sure he won't think anything special that I'm there because where else would I be? But I'll be thinking how thankful I am to be there as I recall missing my mom at my own graduation.
Of course, I can't not mention the big villian here.....CANCER. It was cancer that caused this void in my life. It was cancer that made me feel all alone and different than everyone else.
In memory of my mother, I am making a donation to LIVESTRONG so others have resources available to them to win their battle with cancer and their children/spouses have a community available to them to help them realize they are not alone.
Please join me in honoring the women in our lives and the mothers other children have lost because of cancer by making a donation as well.
Donate to LIVESTRONG in honor of Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day to all the moms in my life. I love you all and am eternally grateful for each of you.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Lance Through the Eyes of a 9-year Old
I suppose you heard a little story that involved Lance Armstrong this week.
Perhaps you listened to all the speculation about an interview he had with Oprah this week.
Perhaps you read a lot of articles and opinions about the interview - before and after it aired.
And perhaps you actually took the time to watch the interview.
And I suppose....no, I know.....we all have differing opinions about Lance. Just as we all have different opinions about gun control, abortion and how to fix our economy. Heck, we all have different opinions on the Chicago Cubs.
And I love that.
I love that we live in a world in which we can all have our own opinions...including my children.
Two of my children have accompanied me to LIVESTRONG events, and even helped with fundraising of their own.
My middle son asked me not to talk about the "Lance stuff" this week because in his mind, it was no different than so many other athletes out there. He was upset that people were confusing Lance the cheater with LIVESTRONG.
This morning, I had the opportunity to chat with my 9 year-old. She has big plans this year to create a Hula Hooping event as a fundraiser for LIVESTRONG. I wanted to make sure she knew what was going on about Lance so she could ask questions. I wanted her to be prepared for comments and questions from her friends in case anyone questions her LIVESTRONG band.
So I told her what was going on.
Her response - "I like Lance because of LIVESTRONG and I couldn't go to Camp Kesem without Lance. I have a lot of friends because of LIVESTRONG and Lance."
But, she did mention that she didn't like that he was a cheater. That in her mind was wrong. BUT, for her, the LIVESTRONG community, the ability to attend Camp Kesem (read more about Camp Kesem here) and make friends that are JUST LIKE HER - with a parent that has cancer, a parent that is a cancer survivor or having lost a parent with cancer - has been a game-changing experience for her.
So if a 9 year-old and 14 year-old can differentiate between Lance the cyclist and LIVESTRONG, shouldn't we all be able to differentiate?
My opinions about Lance really don't matter - because what Lance did on the bike may have impacted a sport and a lot of people, but I wasn't one of those people. I am not one of those people that he needs to apologize to. He didn't bully me, didn't threaten me, didn't ask me to help cover anything up, didn't pay me off.
Don't get me wrong - this doesn't mean my opinions about Lance the cyclist haven't changed, just like my opinions about Mark McGuire, Barry Bonds, Ben Johnson, Jose Canseco, Roger Clemens, Marion Jones, Alex Rodriquez, Lenny Dykstra, Andy Pettite, and the countless other athletes that have used banned substances to improve their performance changed.
The difference for me is that I never called any of these individuals my hero - and none of them asked any of us to make them our hero.
I'll say this though. Lance survived cancer. This alone makes him a hero in my book. Because no one close to me - my mother, my father, my aunt, my sister, my husband and his grandmother - have survived cancer.
Yes, Lance is a cheater. But let's remember, he also cheated cancer and death.
That Lance, the cancer cheater, is my hero.....because of his approach to a disease, because of his vision and understanding that there was a void to help others cheat death.
I have seen first hand the devastation cancer causes not only the individual fighting the disease, but the aftermath the cancer leaves when it steals a parent from their children.
My mother passed away 43 years ago - and I'm 46. I have lived my entire life dealing with the devastation of cancer. My mom wasn't there for advice, my mom wasn't there to guide me through the difficult teenage years, my mom wasn't there to meet my husband, help me pick out my wedding gown, see me get married, give me advice as I became a first-time parent of my own.
My own children are now going through that.....and it is no fun.
How I wish their father had cheated cancer.
I'll respect everyone's personal opinions, but ask that before you lump LIVESTRONG into the same category as Lance cheating, you take time to learn about what LIVESTRONG does. Perhaps read some of my past posts about how LIVESTRONG has saved me from drowning, how LIVESTRONG has helped countless thousands in their battles with cancer. Yes, they do not fund research....but only because plenty of other organizations do. And they do not discriminate against any type of cancer, any age of cancer patient, whether you have cancer or are related to a cancer patient, any nationality.
I will continue my fundraising efforts for LIVESTRONG because I have personally benefited from LIVESTRONG, as have many of my friends. It is personal to me....the LIVESTRONG community is like family to me.
I hope you'll continue to support me as the year goes on however, I will completely understand if you do not.....but ask that you consider other organizations that support the cancer community - perhaps Camp Kesem, Imerman Angels, Movember....the list goes on.
I hope for all of us, that a athlete cheating will not keep valuable services unavailable for all of us if and when we need them.
Perhaps you listened to all the speculation about an interview he had with Oprah this week.
Perhaps you read a lot of articles and opinions about the interview - before and after it aired.
And perhaps you actually took the time to watch the interview.
And I suppose....no, I know.....we all have differing opinions about Lance. Just as we all have different opinions about gun control, abortion and how to fix our economy. Heck, we all have different opinions on the Chicago Cubs.
And I love that.
I love that we live in a world in which we can all have our own opinions...including my children.
Two of my children have accompanied me to LIVESTRONG events, and even helped with fundraising of their own.
My middle son asked me not to talk about the "Lance stuff" this week because in his mind, it was no different than so many other athletes out there. He was upset that people were confusing Lance the cheater with LIVESTRONG.
This morning, I had the opportunity to chat with my 9 year-old. She has big plans this year to create a Hula Hooping event as a fundraiser for LIVESTRONG. I wanted to make sure she knew what was going on about Lance so she could ask questions. I wanted her to be prepared for comments and questions from her friends in case anyone questions her LIVESTRONG band.
So I told her what was going on.
Her response - "I like Lance because of LIVESTRONG and I couldn't go to Camp Kesem without Lance. I have a lot of friends because of LIVESTRONG and Lance."
But, she did mention that she didn't like that he was a cheater. That in her mind was wrong. BUT, for her, the LIVESTRONG community, the ability to attend Camp Kesem (read more about Camp Kesem here) and make friends that are JUST LIKE HER - with a parent that has cancer, a parent that is a cancer survivor or having lost a parent with cancer - has been a game-changing experience for her.
So if a 9 year-old and 14 year-old can differentiate between Lance the cyclist and LIVESTRONG, shouldn't we all be able to differentiate?
My opinions about Lance really don't matter - because what Lance did on the bike may have impacted a sport and a lot of people, but I wasn't one of those people. I am not one of those people that he needs to apologize to. He didn't bully me, didn't threaten me, didn't ask me to help cover anything up, didn't pay me off.
Don't get me wrong - this doesn't mean my opinions about Lance the cyclist haven't changed, just like my opinions about Mark McGuire, Barry Bonds, Ben Johnson, Jose Canseco, Roger Clemens, Marion Jones, Alex Rodriquez, Lenny Dykstra, Andy Pettite, and the countless other athletes that have used banned substances to improve their performance changed.
The difference for me is that I never called any of these individuals my hero - and none of them asked any of us to make them our hero.
I'll say this though. Lance survived cancer. This alone makes him a hero in my book. Because no one close to me - my mother, my father, my aunt, my sister, my husband and his grandmother - have survived cancer.
Yes, Lance is a cheater. But let's remember, he also cheated cancer and death.
That Lance, the cancer cheater, is my hero.....because of his approach to a disease, because of his vision and understanding that there was a void to help others cheat death.
I have seen first hand the devastation cancer causes not only the individual fighting the disease, but the aftermath the cancer leaves when it steals a parent from their children.
My mother passed away 43 years ago - and I'm 46. I have lived my entire life dealing with the devastation of cancer. My mom wasn't there for advice, my mom wasn't there to guide me through the difficult teenage years, my mom wasn't there to meet my husband, help me pick out my wedding gown, see me get married, give me advice as I became a first-time parent of my own.
My own children are now going through that.....and it is no fun.
How I wish their father had cheated cancer.
I'll respect everyone's personal opinions, but ask that before you lump LIVESTRONG into the same category as Lance cheating, you take time to learn about what LIVESTRONG does. Perhaps read some of my past posts about how LIVESTRONG has saved me from drowning, how LIVESTRONG has helped countless thousands in their battles with cancer. Yes, they do not fund research....but only because plenty of other organizations do. And they do not discriminate against any type of cancer, any age of cancer patient, whether you have cancer or are related to a cancer patient, any nationality.
I will continue my fundraising efforts for LIVESTRONG because I have personally benefited from LIVESTRONG, as have many of my friends. It is personal to me....the LIVESTRONG community is like family to me.
I hope you'll continue to support me as the year goes on however, I will completely understand if you do not.....but ask that you consider other organizations that support the cancer community - perhaps Camp Kesem, Imerman Angels, Movember....the list goes on.
I hope for all of us, that a athlete cheating will not keep valuable services unavailable for all of us if and when we need them.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
The Bonus Days
"When the heart grieves over what is has lost, the spirit rejoices over what it has left.
8 years ago I endured the worst 24 hours of my life....
8 years ago, Brian was taken into emergency surgery.....
From the same hospital bed he had spent the last week.....
From the moment he was admitted to the hospital for a low blood count.....
To the moment he returned from "exploratory surgery" which identified cancer throughout his body....
The same hospital bed he shared with our 9 and 6 year old boys that he had cancer....
The same hospital bed that he watched the 2004 Summer Olympics and the swimming competition with Jay and Nolan sitting beside him.....
The same hospital bed that we discussed insurance coverage and that he panicked about who the beneficiary was on the life insurance policy his grandmother had the foresight to purchase for him as a college graduation gift.
Less than an hour earlier, I had called one of his closest friends from college to share the news that Brian was in the hospital and was diagnosed with cancer.....
Less than an hour earlier I had shared with his friend that we were heading to Houston for treatment options.....
Less than an hour earlier, I was making breakfast for our children.
As I rushed to the hospital after Brian's call and urgent voice that something was drastically wrong, I remember seeing all the kids moving in at Illinois Wesleyan College and being angry....
Angry that their lives were still going on.....
Angry that no one else was going through what we were going through.....
Angry that there was so much uncertainty in our lives.
I met my mother-in-law in the waiting area and we headed down to the chapel. We were not there 5 minutes when we were paged.
10 minutes after I walked into the hospital....30 minutes after Brian was taken into surgery.
This could not be good.
And it was worse than "this could not be good."
The surgeon - fighting through tears of his own - shared that there were complications from his previous surgery.
Looking back I should have recognized that surgeons do not cry....
Looking back I should have known that the news was terrible....
Looking back I feel bad that I was so clueless and made the surgeon repeat himself....
Over and over.....
And finally he had to be direct and blunt....
There was nothing they could do.
What? What? I don't understand....
Nothing you can do?
Nothing we can do.....Brian has 24 to 48 hours to live.
And then we just sat...Brian's mother and I.....
We just sat.....
We didn't know what to do....
Suddenly Brian's brother appeared....
I called one of my friends and left a frantic message to go to my house to relieve my sister-in-law....she needed to be there to console my brother and mother-in-law.
I had to make phones calls....to Brian's father....to my family....
And finally we got to see Brian.
He of course had no recollection what the surgeon had shared with him.....so I had to repeat it.
And just like me, he asked me to repeat it again.
And in true attorney fashion, he asked to speak to his surgeon (his wife couldn't have gotten this correct)....
And in true attorney fashion, he insisted they interrupt a surgery so he could speak to the surgeon....
And in true Brian fashion, he insisted that if he was going to die in 24 hours, he wanted a room with a view and a Coke.
And in true Brian fashion, he got what he wanted.....
And he made his mother and I laugh....
Because when they brought him his "Coke", he promptly announced, "This is a Pepsi. I am dying....I want a COKE."
And the nurses scrambled to put together their change and bought him a Coke from the machine.
Long story, I know. But that 24 hours kept getting extended.....Brian didn't pass away for another week. We had 5 bonus days together.
During that time, his unsuspecting fraternity brother called his room....thinking Brian was just recovering and getting ready for his trip to Houston. He had no idea Brian was just given a death sentence.
And as the day passed, more fraternity brothers called from all across the country. The phone never stopped ringing.
Two brothers flew to middle of the nowhere Illinois to visit him
And we reminisced and laughed after every phone call.....
And we shared memories with one another.....
And I slept each night on a cot next to his bed....
And he held my hand tightly each night.....all night.
Yes, it was the worst 24 hours of my life.....to be told that the one you love is going to die within the next few hours....
But, it was some of the most wonderful 5 days afterwards.....sharing with one another....sharing with each other how much we loved one another.....sharing all our deepest thoughts and feelings....and each minute being a "bonus."
Please, please, please....do NOT wait until the last 24 hours to take advantage of "bonus" days. Think of each and every day you wake up next to the one you love as a "bonus" day. Share with them how much you care for them....respect them.....give them the best of you!
If not for you and your loved one....than do it for what Brian and I am missing each and every day....and for the intense loneliness that surrounds my every moment.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Living in Slow Motion ....Again
Today is the day.....
The day cancer infected the lives of my children.....
The day their worlds were never the same....
The day their childhood innocence was stolen from them....
The day they realized their parents were not made of superhero material.....
The day they became different from all their friends....
The day they had to start providing explanations to their father's whereabouts....
The day our lives started moving in slow motion.
I wrote about this last year - and I need to write about it again this year but from the perspective of my children. (See The Day My World Began Moving in Slow Motion)
August 6, 2004 - at about this time - 6 pm-ish.....the boys and I were playing with Rachel (just shy of her first birthday) and cheering her on as she took her first steps.
I recall the boys excitement and we couldn't wait for Brian to come home from work so we could share this milestone with him.
We waited....
and waited....
and waited.
Suddenly, the phone rang. The boys were getting somewhat distracted as a 6 and 9 year old tend to do....but as soon as they recognized that I was on the phone with their father, they became quite interested again.
But, I'm sure they could sense something wasn't quite right......just as I sensed something wasn't quite right as soon as I heard Brian's voice.
I will never forget that feeling when I heard Brian's voice....the concern, the nervousness, the unknown. For those of you that knew Brian, you know that he was never nervous....never scared. He may have had the ability to worry for no reason about things but he was always in charge; always in control. This was not the Brian I had weathered ups and downs with. Something wasn't right.
And at that moment, the world around me slowed down.....for all of us.....
And I'm sure if my children could remember all the details at the time, they could see the change in my voice and my demeanor.
Brian was admitted to the hospital at 6 pm-ish on August 6, 2004.
And he would never step out of the hospital again.
Cancer had entered our lives - and would take his life within a short 2 week span. A time period that was filled with unknown, despair, some laughter but mostly sadness.
And the most difficult part of it all?
Sure, it was difficult for him and I to grasp the idea that our "to death do you part" was coming much sooner than we had ever anticipated.
No, the most difficult part was looking into the eyes of our children and explaining to them what was happening. Our older one understood immediately and ran off full of anger and grief.
Our younger son didn't understand.....didn't really grasp what we were sharing with him.
A few days prior to Brian's passing, Nolan and I were walking through the hospital and he looked up at me. "Mom, Dad is never coming home again, is he." What a awful statement for a 6 year old to have to think about, let alone have to speak.
Brian never had the opportunity to witness his beautiful daughter take a step....he was never able to hold her again.
Damn cancer.
This is why I run/ride ridiculous events while juggling a full-time job and raising three children alone. This is why I ask all of you to support my efforts for LIVESTRONG. This is why I get up at crazy hours to squeeze in a ride or run. To KICK CANCER'S ASS!
August is always a reminder to me of how much I hate cancer - don't we all? Don't we all have stories of how cancer has impacted our lives?
The next two weeks are much easier each year but still go in slow motion for me at times as memories come flowing back. Thankfully it is easier - and thankfully I am able to "celebrate" life the day after Brian's passing with Rachel's birthday.
I know many of you think I may be crazy (and yes, I think so as well quite often) but it is my goal to make sure other kids and parents don't have to have an August moment like the Simmons family did.
Thank you for your emotional support.....and your financial support to my fundraising efforts all these years!
If you'd like to help LIVESTRONG help other's survive cancer with FREE services, please consider making a donation at Barbara's Chicago Marathon Fundraising page to Benefit LIVESTRONG
The day cancer infected the lives of my children.....
The day their worlds were never the same....
The day their childhood innocence was stolen from them....
The day they realized their parents were not made of superhero material.....
The day they became different from all their friends....
The day they had to start providing explanations to their father's whereabouts....
The day our lives started moving in slow motion.
I wrote about this last year - and I need to write about it again this year but from the perspective of my children. (See The Day My World Began Moving in Slow Motion)
August 6, 2004 - at about this time - 6 pm-ish.....the boys and I were playing with Rachel (just shy of her first birthday) and cheering her on as she took her first steps.
I recall the boys excitement and we couldn't wait for Brian to come home from work so we could share this milestone with him.
We waited....
and waited....
and waited.
Suddenly, the phone rang. The boys were getting somewhat distracted as a 6 and 9 year old tend to do....but as soon as they recognized that I was on the phone with their father, they became quite interested again.
But, I'm sure they could sense something wasn't quite right......just as I sensed something wasn't quite right as soon as I heard Brian's voice.
I will never forget that feeling when I heard Brian's voice....the concern, the nervousness, the unknown. For those of you that knew Brian, you know that he was never nervous....never scared. He may have had the ability to worry for no reason about things but he was always in charge; always in control. This was not the Brian I had weathered ups and downs with. Something wasn't right.
And at that moment, the world around me slowed down.....for all of us.....
And I'm sure if my children could remember all the details at the time, they could see the change in my voice and my demeanor.
Brian was admitted to the hospital at 6 pm-ish on August 6, 2004.
And he would never step out of the hospital again.
Cancer had entered our lives - and would take his life within a short 2 week span. A time period that was filled with unknown, despair, some laughter but mostly sadness.
And the most difficult part of it all?
Sure, it was difficult for him and I to grasp the idea that our "to death do you part" was coming much sooner than we had ever anticipated.
No, the most difficult part was looking into the eyes of our children and explaining to them what was happening. Our older one understood immediately and ran off full of anger and grief.
Our younger son didn't understand.....didn't really grasp what we were sharing with him.
A few days prior to Brian's passing, Nolan and I were walking through the hospital and he looked up at me. "Mom, Dad is never coming home again, is he." What a awful statement for a 6 year old to have to think about, let alone have to speak.
Brian never had the opportunity to witness his beautiful daughter take a step....he was never able to hold her again.
Damn cancer.
This is why I run/ride ridiculous events while juggling a full-time job and raising three children alone. This is why I ask all of you to support my efforts for LIVESTRONG. This is why I get up at crazy hours to squeeze in a ride or run. To KICK CANCER'S ASS!
August is always a reminder to me of how much I hate cancer - don't we all? Don't we all have stories of how cancer has impacted our lives?
The next two weeks are much easier each year but still go in slow motion for me at times as memories come flowing back. Thankfully it is easier - and thankfully I am able to "celebrate" life the day after Brian's passing with Rachel's birthday.
I know many of you think I may be crazy (and yes, I think so as well quite often) but it is my goal to make sure other kids and parents don't have to have an August moment like the Simmons family did.
Thank you for your emotional support.....and your financial support to my fundraising efforts all these years!
If you'd like to help LIVESTRONG help other's survive cancer with FREE services, please consider making a donation at Barbara's Chicago Marathon Fundraising page to Benefit LIVESTRONG
Friday, August 3, 2012
Five for Five on the Fifith
Just another day of summer...right?
Not in my world. Each of the 15 days proceeding August 5th is significant to me.
Eight years ago, August 5th was the LAST day cancer was not part of our daily world. August 6th was the day my husband and childrens' father, Brian, was admitted to the hospital and our cancer journey began.
August 5th was still filled with hope of a lifetime together. I would do anything to have 5 minutes back with Brian....and my sister....and my mother....and my father.
So, in honor of this hope and the chance others can have a lifetime of memories with their their loved ones, hope, I am asking you to join me in donating $5 to LIVESTRONG - $5 for 5 minutes on the 5th.
I've done the cycling across Iowa and I'll do the running across Oregon at Hood to Coast and through the streets of Chicago during the Chicago Marathon. All I ask, is that you part with $5.00 - one Starbucks Grande Latte or one IP Brew or one Chipotle Burrito.
Can we get 50 $5.00 donations on the 5th for 5 more minutes?? Use the link below.
Thanks so much!
5/5/5 Donations to Support LIVESTRONG
Monday, December 26, 2011
Generosity
Generosity is often hidden most of the year - unfortunately. Perhaps we are just too busy to notice it throughout the non-holiday season.
I hope that I haven't overlooked any gestures of generosity towards me....and if I have, please accept my sincere apologies. I am so very appreciative of the thoughtfulness others have bestowed upon myself and my children. We have been the recipients of so many acts of kindness over the years.
The past three years, you have all been very generous with your wallets - helping me raise close to $35,000 for an organization that has been very generous to me - LIVESTRONG.
This morning after receiving a gift from my children of uninterrupted sleeping in (thank you!), the Facebook airwaves were filled with notifications of a very generous bit of news. An anonymous donor has offered to match EVERY LIVESTRONG donation until the end of 2011, up to $100,000.
Wow!
This is my opportunity to give back to an organization that has provided so much hope to my family....that has helped me to survive some very awful periods of depression and sadness due to the lack of generosity cancer provided me when stealing loved ones from me.....the sense of community this organization has created and I have been lucky to be a part of.....the list goes on and on....the programs LIVESTRONG supports for those fighting cancer, those having won their battle, and those grieving
- LIVESTRONG at the Y, Camp Kesem, the LIVESTRONG Navigation Center....the list goes on and on.
Check out more information on how LIVESTRONG provides support and uses our donations http://livestrong.org/What-We-Do/Our-Actions/Programs-Partnerships
I am making a donation today.....and hope you will join me so we can take advantage of a stranger's generosity...and in turn, our generosity will allow LIVESTRONG to continue their generosity to those needing support during a difficult time in their lives.
Please join me by making a donation using the link below:
Have your donation MATCHED today!
A heartfelt THANK YOU to all of you for your generosity to me, your support, your kind words and gestures this year as I have encountered ups and downs.
I hope that I haven't overlooked any gestures of generosity towards me....and if I have, please accept my sincere apologies. I am so very appreciative of the thoughtfulness others have bestowed upon myself and my children. We have been the recipients of so many acts of kindness over the years.
The past three years, you have all been very generous with your wallets - helping me raise close to $35,000 for an organization that has been very generous to me - LIVESTRONG.
This morning after receiving a gift from my children of uninterrupted sleeping in (thank you!), the Facebook airwaves were filled with notifications of a very generous bit of news. An anonymous donor has offered to match EVERY LIVESTRONG donation until the end of 2011, up to $100,000.
Wow!
This is my opportunity to give back to an organization that has provided so much hope to my family....that has helped me to survive some very awful periods of depression and sadness due to the lack of generosity cancer provided me when stealing loved ones from me.....the sense of community this organization has created and I have been lucky to be a part of.....the list goes on and on....the programs LIVESTRONG supports for those fighting cancer, those having won their battle, and those grieving
- LIVESTRONG at the Y, Camp Kesem, the LIVESTRONG Navigation Center....the list goes on and on.
Check out more information on how LIVESTRONG provides support and uses our donations http://livestrong.org/What-We-Do/Our-Actions/Programs-Partnerships
I am making a donation today.....and hope you will join me so we can take advantage of a stranger's generosity...and in turn, our generosity will allow LIVESTRONG to continue their generosity to those needing support during a difficult time in their lives.
Please join me by making a donation using the link below:
Have your donation MATCHED today!
A heartfelt THANK YOU to all of you for your generosity to me, your support, your kind words and gestures this year as I have encountered ups and downs.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
What LIVESTRONG Means to Me - by Rachel, 8 year old cancer hater
Today is Christmas Eve and as I was snuggled on the couch with my 8 year old daughter Rachel, we started talking about LIVESTRONG. What follows is Rachel's words. From my family to all of you - hope you have a joyous holiday season!
LIVESTRONG means to me -
LIVESTRONG helps me be stronger without my dad.
LIVESTRONG helped me go to Camp Kesem and meet other kids like me.
LIVESTRONG helps my family because we have a lot of friends that LIVESTRONG.
Marry Christmas to all!
Rachel
Want to help Rachel and I keep kicking cancer to the curb? Consider joining us at the Philly LIVESTRONG Challenge on the Friends Fighting Cancer team in August or make a donation to our efforts
RunningSTRONG for Hope & Hula Hooping for Hope to benefit LIVESTRONG
LIVESTRONG means to me -
- killing cancer
- thinking of my dad
- not letting anything stop me
- friends and family
- helping others
- giving hope to other people
- donating to help people fight cancer
LIVESTRONG helps me be stronger without my dad.
LIVESTRONG helped me go to Camp Kesem and meet other kids like me.
LIVESTRONG helps my family because we have a lot of friends that LIVESTRONG.
Marry Christmas to all!
Rachel
Want to help Rachel and I keep kicking cancer to the curb? Consider joining us at the Philly LIVESTRONG Challenge on the Friends Fighting Cancer team in August or make a donation to our efforts
RunningSTRONG for Hope & Hula Hooping for Hope to benefit LIVESTRONG
Friday, November 11, 2011
It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To
I had the opportunity to attend some amazing and uplifting events the past month - cheering on the Chicago Marathon Team LIVESTRONG runners, attending the Ride for the Roses event at the Austin LIVESTRONG Challenge, and just last weekend, running the NYC Marathon for Team LIVESTRONG.
Surrounded by my LIVESTRONG family....weekends filled with inspiration, joy, some cycling, running, dancing, laughing hysterically and just plain ole' fun.
All the anticipation of these events and the actual excitement of the events came with a cost this year. In years past, I've entered these events in a tail-spin and being around the LIVESTRONG community lifted me up. Unfortunately, this year, it has been quite the opposite. I mentioned this in my previous blog as feeling as though I was watching from the sidelines....but now I don't even feel like I'm on the sidelines.
I think those LIVESTRONG filled weekends caused me to feel quite empty and alone once I returned back to reality and without the constant influence of the most inspiring people I know.
For the past 3 weeks, I have been dealing with some rather dark moments. Moments that make me just want to lie in bed and pull the covers over my head. Moments that make me dread the sun rising and the sun setting each day. Please know that I love life, I love my kids, I love my friends and I am not in such a state that I do not recognize that I have a blessed life...but suddenly I am feeling very trapped....mostly dreading being alone for the rest of my life.
.
I know, I know....I've heard it a million times...."the right one is out there," "you need to stop thinking about being alone and live," "you deserve better" etc. Hmmmm......interestingly enough, all this advice is always provided by those that are not alone, all in happy loving relationships or are single by their own choice.
Well, my answer to those statements -
Don't get me wrong - I love my friends and I love that they want to make me feel better. I truly appreciate all of you being so positive and trying to cheer me up. But sometimes, being sad is necessary to be happy again. I am just getting sick and tired of the sadness, sick and tired of not having someone out there that is wondering about me. I just want to be part of someone's life....and to be part of someone elses life. I know that doesn't make a person....but let's all admit....it certainly feels good to be important to someone.
So, although I know I am quite fabulous and a lot of people are missing out, it doesn't change reality. Right now I am sad....I am lonely....I am dreading the winter gloom....and the holidays. Yes, I am not being the upbeat full-of-life person you all seem to think I am. Reality check - I am that person but lately there isn't any reason to be that person.
I know what you are thinking....Barb's having a pity party.
So what! "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to! You would cry too if it happened to you."
I will get through this as I have all the obstacles in my life.
Don't worry but please keep in mind that although it has been 7 years since Brian passed, and I keep myself busy with races, skydiving, trips etc., these activities to not replace being alone.
I like to think that we all have periods of sadness in our lives otherwise we would never appreciate the periods of happiness, right?
OK, I promise my next posts will be more uplifting....updates about these amazing weekends are in the works.....keep a lookout for them!
Thanks again for all your support this year -I would certainly be adrift by know if it weren't for all the lifesavers surrounding me day in and day out - all of YOU!
Surrounded by my LIVESTRONG family....weekends filled with inspiration, joy, some cycling, running, dancing, laughing hysterically and just plain ole' fun.
All the anticipation of these events and the actual excitement of the events came with a cost this year. In years past, I've entered these events in a tail-spin and being around the LIVESTRONG community lifted me up. Unfortunately, this year, it has been quite the opposite. I mentioned this in my previous blog as feeling as though I was watching from the sidelines....but now I don't even feel like I'm on the sidelines.
I think those LIVESTRONG filled weekends caused me to feel quite empty and alone once I returned back to reality and without the constant influence of the most inspiring people I know.
For the past 3 weeks, I have been dealing with some rather dark moments. Moments that make me just want to lie in bed and pull the covers over my head. Moments that make me dread the sun rising and the sun setting each day. Please know that I love life, I love my kids, I love my friends and I am not in such a state that I do not recognize that I have a blessed life...but suddenly I am feeling very trapped....mostly dreading being alone for the rest of my life.
.
I know, I know....I've heard it a million times...."the right one is out there," "you need to stop thinking about being alone and live," "you deserve better" etc. Hmmmm......interestingly enough, all this advice is always provided by those that are not alone, all in happy loving relationships or are single by their own choice.
Well, my answer to those statements -
- "I had the right one....he was taken away from me by cancer."
- "It is hard to ignore being alone when loneliness surrounds you 24 hours a day, 365 days a year for 7 years....with no light at the end of the tunnel."
- "Who determines I deserve better? What exactly is better?"
Don't get me wrong - I love my friends and I love that they want to make me feel better. I truly appreciate all of you being so positive and trying to cheer me up. But sometimes, being sad is necessary to be happy again. I am just getting sick and tired of the sadness, sick and tired of not having someone out there that is wondering about me. I just want to be part of someone's life....and to be part of someone elses life. I know that doesn't make a person....but let's all admit....it certainly feels good to be important to someone.
So, although I know I am quite fabulous and a lot of people are missing out, it doesn't change reality. Right now I am sad....I am lonely....I am dreading the winter gloom....and the holidays. Yes, I am not being the upbeat full-of-life person you all seem to think I am. Reality check - I am that person but lately there isn't any reason to be that person.
I know what you are thinking....Barb's having a pity party.
So what! "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to! You would cry too if it happened to you."
I will get through this as I have all the obstacles in my life.
Don't worry but please keep in mind that although it has been 7 years since Brian passed, and I keep myself busy with races, skydiving, trips etc., these activities to not replace being alone.
I like to think that we all have periods of sadness in our lives otherwise we would never appreciate the periods of happiness, right?
OK, I promise my next posts will be more uplifting....updates about these amazing weekends are in the works.....keep a lookout for them!
Thanks again for all your support this year -I would certainly be adrift by know if it weren't for all the lifesavers surrounding me day in and day out - all of YOU!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
The Day My World Began Moving in Slow Motion
Seven years ago today my world started moving in slow motion.
Really....just like in the movies.
I remember the start of it all clearly.....I was playing with Rachel after having arrived home with the kids after work. It was a Friday evening and I was surprised that Brian wasn't home yet. It was a Friday after all.....why was he working late?
Rachel and I werein the living room when suddenly she began taking her first steps. I shouted for the boys to join me watching this major accomplishment by their soon to be 1 year old sister.
Suddenly the phone rang. Brian was on the other end of the line.
It was at this moment that my life began moving in slow motion....Brian was calling me to let me know he was in the hospital, that he went for some routine blood work and was admitted. I could tell from his voice that he realized this wasn't "routine." This was the first time I ever heard a little fear and uncertainty from Brian.
Our world would change forever from that very moment. 7 years ago today.
Brian never did see his baby daughter walk.
An apology in advance to my friends....this is when I start to go into a "funk" without really realizing it. The next two weeks are met with the "7 years ago today" thought process when I wake up. It always surprises me when I realize I have arrived into my yearly "funk."
I am hoping that this year by writing about it, I may have a different experience and not end up in the tailspin I found myself in last year. Thank goodness for the LIVESTRONG community for helping me out of this state last year.....you can read more about this at How LIVESTRONG Saved Me From the Tilt-A-Whirl.
In addition to my wonderful friends I am surrounded by each and every day, the LIVESTRONG community has assisted me in moving forward with my life.....these are the people in my world that "get it", that understand the terrible impact cancer can make on peoples lives, that provide the hope and support when times are rough, that reach out across the miles to check in, send a virtual hug, make me laugh. It is without them that my life would still be moving in slow motion on some days, and spinning out of control on others.
It is for this reason, I am so passionate about fundraising for LIVESTRONG....and I keep running....and running....and running - RUNNINGSTRONG for HOPE.
I will not stop anytime soon - please consider supporting me and my efforts by donating any amount - $5 for the 5 more minutes we'd all love to have with our loved ones lost to cancer, $25 to have a loved one added to the Tribute Wall and added to the list I run in honor of...$1 or $10 or $100 - 86% of your donation goes to provide the support I have benefited from all these years.
Click here for Barbara's fundraising page
I am forever indebted to my LIVESTRONG family - THANK YOU!
Really....just like in the movies.
I remember the start of it all clearly.....I was playing with Rachel after having arrived home with the kids after work. It was a Friday evening and I was surprised that Brian wasn't home yet. It was a Friday after all.....why was he working late?
Rachel and I werein the living room when suddenly she began taking her first steps. I shouted for the boys to join me watching this major accomplishment by their soon to be 1 year old sister.
Suddenly the phone rang. Brian was on the other end of the line.
It was at this moment that my life began moving in slow motion....Brian was calling me to let me know he was in the hospital, that he went for some routine blood work and was admitted. I could tell from his voice that he realized this wasn't "routine." This was the first time I ever heard a little fear and uncertainty from Brian.
Our world would change forever from that very moment. 7 years ago today.
Brian never did see his baby daughter walk.
An apology in advance to my friends....this is when I start to go into a "funk" without really realizing it. The next two weeks are met with the "7 years ago today" thought process when I wake up. It always surprises me when I realize I have arrived into my yearly "funk."
I am hoping that this year by writing about it, I may have a different experience and not end up in the tailspin I found myself in last year. Thank goodness for the LIVESTRONG community for helping me out of this state last year.....you can read more about this at How LIVESTRONG Saved Me From the Tilt-A-Whirl.
In addition to my wonderful friends I am surrounded by each and every day, the LIVESTRONG community has assisted me in moving forward with my life.....these are the people in my world that "get it", that understand the terrible impact cancer can make on peoples lives, that provide the hope and support when times are rough, that reach out across the miles to check in, send a virtual hug, make me laugh. It is without them that my life would still be moving in slow motion on some days, and spinning out of control on others.
It is for this reason, I am so passionate about fundraising for LIVESTRONG....and I keep running....and running....and running - RUNNINGSTRONG for HOPE.
I will not stop anytime soon - please consider supporting me and my efforts by donating any amount - $5 for the 5 more minutes we'd all love to have with our loved ones lost to cancer, $25 to have a loved one added to the Tribute Wall and added to the list I run in honor of...$1 or $10 or $100 - 86% of your donation goes to provide the support I have benefited from all these years.
Click here for Barbara's fundraising page
I am forever indebted to my LIVESTRONG family - THANK YOU!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Five for Five on the Fifth
Today is August 5th.
Just another day of summer...right?
Not in my world. Each of the next 15 days is significant to me.
Seven years ago, today was the LAST day cancer was not part of our daily world. Tomorrow is the day Brian was admitted to the hospital and the cancer journey began.
Today was still filled with hope of a life time together. I would do anything to have 5 minutes back with Brian....and my sister....and my mother....and my father.
So, in honor of today, I am asking you to join me in donating $5 to LIVESTRONG - $5 for 5 minutes on the 5th.
http://run.livestrong.org/teamls2011/barbarasimmons
Together we can kick cancer to the curb.....I'll do the running!
Just another day of summer...right?
Not in my world. Each of the next 15 days is significant to me.
Seven years ago, today was the LAST day cancer was not part of our daily world. Tomorrow is the day Brian was admitted to the hospital and the cancer journey began.
Today was still filled with hope of a life time together. I would do anything to have 5 minutes back with Brian....and my sister....and my mother....and my father.
So, in honor of today, I am asking you to join me in donating $5 to LIVESTRONG - $5 for 5 minutes on the 5th.
http://run.livestrong.org/teamls2011/barbarasimmons
Together we can kick cancer to the curb.....I'll do the running!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Solitude Is Pleasant....Loneliness is Not
Loneliness is proof that your innate search for connection is intact. ~ Martha Beck
I love this quote.....it was the only one that gave loneliness a positive spin.
Of course, any post that starts out with a quote about loneliness doesn't sound like it will be exciting, funny and inspiring.
I will admit that you are correct. Nope, no laughs in this one.....nothing inspiring like running a marathon or jumping into thin air 11,000 feet from earth.
Just a very personal, sole bearing post....about loneliness. A glimpse into the feelings of a widow, me...and a lot of other widows/widowers I suspect. This isn't a pity party - although it may sound like one - but it isn't. It is reality.
There are a lot of pitfalls to being a widow....most of which I have accepted and overcame. The one I cannot shake is the sheer loneliness.
Yes, I am surrounded by my three children, great friends, co-workers....I lead a pretty active life....I have a nice house.....I have a great job. So what could possible be wrong?
Well, I am alone. My kids are kids....and I am their parent not their friend or companion. My co-workers are people I work with - and I probably spend the majority of my time with - but we are there to work.....it isn't social time....and I manage many of them, so the level of friendship is a bit different. My friends are amazing....but they have their own lives, their own kids, their own spouses.....or they live far away. And this doesn't sit easily with someone as social as myself.
"I had become, with the approach of night, once more aware of loneliness and time - those two companions without whom no journey can yield us anything." ~ Lawrence Durrell
It is that companionship of another adult I miss most. Granted, being married doesn't mean you spend every moment of every day with your spouse...life gets in the way. I understand that....I was married....so I recognize at times, there can be a sense of loneliness in a marriage.
The difference is.....the loneliness of a widow never goes away. It hangs on - sometimes hiding for an hour, a day, a month.....but it is always there.
It has always been there....lurking in the background....but in the span of a month, two very close friends moved for fantastic opportunities (very happy for both of them) and a relationship I now realize I was much too invested in by trusting someone I loved to be a part of my life suddenly disappeared into thin air. Suddenly my loneliness jumped out from it's hiding spot and became even more magnified.
These changes in my life made being along so much more apparent to me. I suppose I had been too busy dealing with Brian's death and the kids to really ever notice it.
I used to be able to do things on my own.....but now I dread it. I routinely went to Chicago for the weekend by myself, but I am heading there this weekend and although I'm looking forward to the activities that are bringing me there, I am dreading all the time I will have alone.
To put this in perspective, think about the last time you were REALLY and truly alone....not for a few days....but for weeks that turn into months that turn into a year.....that suddenly turns into years.....and you realize time has slipped away.....and all you have to look forward to is more days, weeks, months and years alone. It is an awful feeling and one I think most widows feel.....and keep to themselves.
We widows put on a good front....we have to be strong....many of us have children and jobs which require a level of strength just to get up and moving each day. Over time, that becomes more routine....and we really don't have a choice but to keep moving - for our kids, for our employment so we can care for our kids. But, deep down.....deep deep down.....there are a lot of emotions that we are afraid to expose.....for fear of being viewed as weak....for fear of upsetting our children.....for fear of impacting our livelihood, our source of income. I often times feel trapped in my life and angry that others are happy....every moment of every day is a personal struggle at times.
I love my friendships, I love my children but I miss the companionship of being in a loving relationship.....of having someone wonder about you.....someone that checks in on you.....someone that just wants to hear your voice.....someone to be in the same space as you.....to fill that void and provide you with a feeling of safety. Of not being alone.
Damn you cancer! Damn you for ruining my dreams of growing old with the man I love. Damn you for bringing hopelessness into my vocabulary.
To be clear, this is NOT a pity party.....it is the reality of my situation. And some days I'm better at being strong and kicking my life into gear.
And some days I am not.
Something we all want and crave.....but I am also not willing to settle.....I would rather be lonely alone than lonely with someone.
The sky is one whole, the water another; and between those two infinities the soul of man is in loneliness. ~ Henryk Sienkiewicz
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
"I Can't Wait To Meet Other Kids Like Me"
"I can't wait to meet other kids like me" - Rachel, 7 year old cancer hater
I suppose if you have been keeping up with my blog, you may not wonder why I support LIVESTRONG....I am not a cancer survivor....and unfortunately, all my loved ones were not survivors and never utilized not use the services of LIVESTRONG.
There are a lot of reasons....one being to raise awareness since we were unaware of the resources available to us to assist in my loved ones' fights.
My involvement started several years ago as a method to honor the memory of my husband, dad, mom and sister. Primarily as an effort for my children and I to heal from the passing of Brian.
As my children have grown, I continue to see firsthand how cancer has impacted their lives....and our lives as a family. Over time, my involvement has become more focused on making sure others are aware of LIVESTRONG in order to hopefully allow their children to have a lifetime of memories with both their parents.
LIVESTRONG is best know for providing support for those battling cancer and survivors. Most assume survivors are those that survived cancer.....but there is a large group of survivors out there that never had cancer but provided support and love for those that fought gallantly - both successfully and unsuccessfully. The thousands of children being raised in a single parent household due to cancer stealing one of their parents....or those living with the daily struggles of watching a parent suffer with cancer.
My children fall into this category. I am lucky....I have great kids although there are times I wonder who has raised them due to their decisions or the outlook they have on certain issues. But, I put my faith in all those that surround me that someday my children will recognize that I did the best I could with what I had available to give given our circumstances. Still, I feel like they are being short-changed.
One aspect I hate that I cannot change for my children is the feeling that they are different. I get this....I was them when I was growing up. My mother passed away from cancer when I was young....but back then it was a taboo topic....and LIVESTRONG was no where in sight.
I made a pledge last November to run one race a month this year to raise funds and awareness for LIVESTRONG. Unfortunately, I had to break this plan in June....I had a race scheduled but something much more important popped up on the day of the race. I took a chance that you would all understand.
I had to deliver a very special cancer hater to camp. This was no ordinary camp.....
My 7 year old daughter had the experience of her lifetime last month attending Camp Kesem at Northwestern University - a program which is recipient of grants from LIVESTRONG. This is a camp for children that have or had a parent with cancer. Some of the parents are survivors and others are currently in the battle, while others - like Rachel - have lost a parent. The common thread....they all understood what cancer is, how it impacts families, and all feel different than most kids their age.
Camp Kesem is offered through different universities across the country and attendance is free of charge to the campers. This is provided at no cost due to countless fundraising activities and grants from organizations like LIVESTRONG.
Rachel came home a different girl. She has always had a lot of confidence but it seemed tripled when I picked her up a week later. A month later she is still talking about the friendships, the counselors, and the activities. At least once a week she states how much she misses Camp Kesem.
LIVESTRONG is providing several $10,000 grants to other universities across the country to start up additional Camp Kesem locations. With all your support over the past three years, I have raised close to $30,000 - the equivalent of 3 camps....and hundreds upon hundreds of smiles, memories and most importantly, reminders to these children that they are not different....they are not alone....they are important and have a world of opportunity ahead of them.
Your donations go towards providing these opportunities! Over 80 cents of every dollar donated is put back into programs to help cancer survivors - including that crazy red headed child of mine. Let's work together to provide the same opportunity for other children.
This is why I support LIVESTRONG....why I run mile after mile.....why I am so passionate about the mission.
I will keep RunningSTRONG for Hope this year to raise funds for LIVESTRONG. Please help me by considering a donation to LIVESTRONG - no amount is too small or too large - to assist me in my efforts to provide support to all survivors.
Barbara's LIVESTRONG fundraising page
I suppose if you have been keeping up with my blog, you may not wonder why I support LIVESTRONG....I am not a cancer survivor....and unfortunately, all my loved ones were not survivors and never utilized not use the services of LIVESTRONG.
There are a lot of reasons....one being to raise awareness since we were unaware of the resources available to us to assist in my loved ones' fights.
My involvement started several years ago as a method to honor the memory of my husband, dad, mom and sister. Primarily as an effort for my children and I to heal from the passing of Brian.
As my children have grown, I continue to see firsthand how cancer has impacted their lives....and our lives as a family. Over time, my involvement has become more focused on making sure others are aware of LIVESTRONG in order to hopefully allow their children to have a lifetime of memories with both their parents.
LIVESTRONG is best know for providing support for those battling cancer and survivors. Most assume survivors are those that survived cancer.....but there is a large group of survivors out there that never had cancer but provided support and love for those that fought gallantly - both successfully and unsuccessfully. The thousands of children being raised in a single parent household due to cancer stealing one of their parents....or those living with the daily struggles of watching a parent suffer with cancer.
My children fall into this category. I am lucky....I have great kids although there are times I wonder who has raised them due to their decisions or the outlook they have on certain issues. But, I put my faith in all those that surround me that someday my children will recognize that I did the best I could with what I had available to give given our circumstances. Still, I feel like they are being short-changed.
One aspect I hate that I cannot change for my children is the feeling that they are different. I get this....I was them when I was growing up. My mother passed away from cancer when I was young....but back then it was a taboo topic....and LIVESTRONG was no where in sight.
I made a pledge last November to run one race a month this year to raise funds and awareness for LIVESTRONG. Unfortunately, I had to break this plan in June....I had a race scheduled but something much more important popped up on the day of the race. I took a chance that you would all understand.
I had to deliver a very special cancer hater to camp. This was no ordinary camp.....
My 7 year old daughter had the experience of her lifetime last month attending Camp Kesem at Northwestern University - a program which is recipient of grants from LIVESTRONG. This is a camp for children that have or had a parent with cancer. Some of the parents are survivors and others are currently in the battle, while others - like Rachel - have lost a parent. The common thread....they all understood what cancer is, how it impacts families, and all feel different than most kids their age.
Camp Kesem is offered through different universities across the country and attendance is free of charge to the campers. This is provided at no cost due to countless fundraising activities and grants from organizations like LIVESTRONG.
Rachel came home a different girl. She has always had a lot of confidence but it seemed tripled when I picked her up a week later. A month later she is still talking about the friendships, the counselors, and the activities. At least once a week she states how much she misses Camp Kesem.
LIVESTRONG is providing several $10,000 grants to other universities across the country to start up additional Camp Kesem locations. With all your support over the past three years, I have raised close to $30,000 - the equivalent of 3 camps....and hundreds upon hundreds of smiles, memories and most importantly, reminders to these children that they are not different....they are not alone....they are important and have a world of opportunity ahead of them.
Your donations go towards providing these opportunities! Over 80 cents of every dollar donated is put back into programs to help cancer survivors - including that crazy red headed child of mine. Let's work together to provide the same opportunity for other children.
This is why I support LIVESTRONG....why I run mile after mile.....why I am so passionate about the mission.
I will keep RunningSTRONG for Hope this year to raise funds for LIVESTRONG. Please help me by considering a donation to LIVESTRONG - no amount is too small or too large - to assist me in my efforts to provide support to all survivors.
Barbara's LIVESTRONG fundraising page
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The Last Kiss
"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience." -Victoria Holt
Have you ever reflected back and realize you missed out on the last opportunity of something truly meaningful?
No, not the last donut in the dozen (otherwise that would be every weekend in my household of three children) and not filling your tank with gas before the prices raise twenty cents while you were sleeping.
I'm talking about the last opportunity that you didn't realize was the last.
This happened to me early this year when I hugged someone good-bye that at the time I didn't realize was a "good-bye." This experience reminded me of another very important moment I have often regretted "missing." However, recently I realized that this "moment" from the past was actually a wonderful experience.
I remember the moment so clearly. It was the last kiss I shared with my husband, Brian. Funny, I remember this kiss more clearly than our first kiss. Don't get me wrong, I remember the first kiss....on the Ithaca Commons in the middle of January while all my friends were waiting for me to head back to campus. In true upstate New York fashion, it was snowing and quite cold. I also recall Brian gave me some lame line that I knew was a lame line at the time....he really didn't need to use a line. I had hoped he would kiss me. But, that wasn't the last kiss.....it was just the start of a lifetime together.
No our last kiss is so much more vivid to me.....because I didn't realize at the time I wouldn't kiss him ever again. Perhaps this is what has caused me to replay it in my mind more often, causing such clarity....and regret for not recognizing it's importance at the time.
Brian had been admitted unexpectedly to the hospital days earlier and he was headed off to surgery to determine what was causing his medical concerns. This was prior to our confirmation that he had cancer. Brian was very worried - I think he watched Paul Newman's The Verdict a few too many times - for those of you not familiar with one of Brian's favorite movies, Paul Newman's character is pursuing a malpractice lawsuit after a woman goes into a coma when going under antheshia for a surgery. If you knew Brian well, you certainly should not be surprised that he was worried about this scene being reenacted.
Anyways, perhaps it was his worry but I was certain that I'd see him a few hours later. The kiss was in a hallway leading into the surgical unit and he was on a gurney in a hospital gown. Not nearly as romantic as Ithaca, NY with snow falling around us. However, it was this kiss that I vividly remember - and it was this kiss that was filled with the sparks that reminded us both how in love we were with one another. Not that we ever doubted our love but I think we all can agree that once life gets busy with work, kids, etc, your relationship with your spouse goes into an unplanned "holding pattern." All the more reason to make an effort to not let this occur!
Brian survived that surgery however the news was terrible and he never left the hospital again. There were numerous tubes, oxygen, etc. that wouldn't allow any more than a quick peck on the cheek.
I will spare you the details of those last few days, however they were filled with both joy and sadness. At this point, we were preparing for the end.....however, again, I still didn't realize that the kiss we shared in the hallway prior to his first surgery would be his last.
Why am I remembering this now? My realization that I missed an ending I wasn't aware of made me wonder what other endings had I missed.
Which made me wonder....am I bad at anticipating change in my life?
Am I too optimistic?
This reflection has really peaked my sense of observation.....and I will wonder a bit more with every encounter I have. I certainly do not take life for granted but now that I have put more thought into this, I will no longer take individual actions or encounters for granted either.
"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience." -Victoria Holt
A new guiding principle for me. After losing several loved ones much too young, I really don't take life too seriously. I also realize that regret isn't necessary - it's either a wonderful life experience or it is a learning experience. If I keep my eye's open, hopefully future experiences can be both.
Please no pity party for me......just an observation that I need to be more observant of life - and we should all appreciate the unexpected a bit more.
Have you ever reflected back and realize you missed out on the last opportunity of something truly meaningful?
No, not the last donut in the dozen (otherwise that would be every weekend in my household of three children) and not filling your tank with gas before the prices raise twenty cents while you were sleeping.
I'm talking about the last opportunity that you didn't realize was the last.
This happened to me early this year when I hugged someone good-bye that at the time I didn't realize was a "good-bye." This experience reminded me of another very important moment I have often regretted "missing." However, recently I realized that this "moment" from the past was actually a wonderful experience.
I remember the moment so clearly. It was the last kiss I shared with my husband, Brian. Funny, I remember this kiss more clearly than our first kiss. Don't get me wrong, I remember the first kiss....on the Ithaca Commons in the middle of January while all my friends were waiting for me to head back to campus. In true upstate New York fashion, it was snowing and quite cold. I also recall Brian gave me some lame line that I knew was a lame line at the time....he really didn't need to use a line. I had hoped he would kiss me. But, that wasn't the last kiss.....it was just the start of a lifetime together.
No our last kiss is so much more vivid to me.....because I didn't realize at the time I wouldn't kiss him ever again. Perhaps this is what has caused me to replay it in my mind more often, causing such clarity....and regret for not recognizing it's importance at the time.
Brian had been admitted unexpectedly to the hospital days earlier and he was headed off to surgery to determine what was causing his medical concerns. This was prior to our confirmation that he had cancer. Brian was very worried - I think he watched Paul Newman's The Verdict a few too many times - for those of you not familiar with one of Brian's favorite movies, Paul Newman's character is pursuing a malpractice lawsuit after a woman goes into a coma when going under antheshia for a surgery. If you knew Brian well, you certainly should not be surprised that he was worried about this scene being reenacted.
Anyways, perhaps it was his worry but I was certain that I'd see him a few hours later. The kiss was in a hallway leading into the surgical unit and he was on a gurney in a hospital gown. Not nearly as romantic as Ithaca, NY with snow falling around us. However, it was this kiss that I vividly remember - and it was this kiss that was filled with the sparks that reminded us both how in love we were with one another. Not that we ever doubted our love but I think we all can agree that once life gets busy with work, kids, etc, your relationship with your spouse goes into an unplanned "holding pattern." All the more reason to make an effort to not let this occur!
Brian survived that surgery however the news was terrible and he never left the hospital again. There were numerous tubes, oxygen, etc. that wouldn't allow any more than a quick peck on the cheek.
I will spare you the details of those last few days, however they were filled with both joy and sadness. At this point, we were preparing for the end.....however, again, I still didn't realize that the kiss we shared in the hallway prior to his first surgery would be his last.
Why am I remembering this now? My realization that I missed an ending I wasn't aware of made me wonder what other endings had I missed.
Which made me wonder....am I bad at anticipating change in my life?
Am I too optimistic?
This reflection has really peaked my sense of observation.....and I will wonder a bit more with every encounter I have. I certainly do not take life for granted but now that I have put more thought into this, I will no longer take individual actions or encounters for granted either.
"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience." -Victoria Holt
A new guiding principle for me. After losing several loved ones much too young, I really don't take life too seriously. I also realize that regret isn't necessary - it's either a wonderful life experience or it is a learning experience. If I keep my eye's open, hopefully future experiences can be both.
Please no pity party for me......just an observation that I need to be more observant of life - and we should all appreciate the unexpected a bit more.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
My Love of Sports - A Father's Day Tribute
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| Written by my daughter for her father, but my sentiments exactly for my own father |
The Boston Bruin's Stanley Cup win this week was very fitting for Father's Day.
My father was a HUGE Bruin's fan - and shared his love of all Boston sports with his family....along with his love of hockey. We may have been born and raised in New York, but there isn't a Yankee or Met fan among his children - and anyone we brought home to meet him that was, was greeted with a bit of suspect.
My father unfortunately passed away in 2003 after a valiant battle with cancer....never witnessing the Boston Red Sox winning a World Series in his lifetime. They ended that 86 year drought the following year in St. Louis (I, along with all our local Cubs fans, were thrilled with that win).
I give my father credit for my love of sports and competitive spirit. He encouraged his children to participate in sports - and back in the 70's that was not as popular as it is now for our children. Although he wasn't able to attend many of my field hockey games and track meets, he always was willing to drive me to/from practices, camps, and support me in my quest to play in college. He also was very supportive when I decided to quit playing field hockey - after all those practices, camps, etc. It was my decision and he never once asked me to reconsider or make me feel regretful.
My mother passed away when I was 2 years old - again a loved one lost after a battle with cancer - and my father was left with his own grief, 5 children and in a city without any family support. I had no appreciation for what he endured and sacrificed for the five of us - although I suspect all children lack this ability.
How ironic that 36 years later, I was placed in the same situation. Sadly, my father passed away the year prior to Brian's passing. I have lost count of the number of times I have wished he were alive so I could ask him how he did it, for advice in raising children alone, how he overcame the loneliness, how he juggled all the parenting tasks so effortlessly. My father NEVER appeared to be drowning - never appeared to be filled with the anxiety I have on occasion been paralyzed with.
I am so regretful that I never appreciated what an amazing father he was, how he prepared me to be independent and thrive regardless of what life throws at you.
Earlier this month I wrote a tribute to my husband, Brian, for our anniversary. I would be remiss to not mention him on this important day as well.
Brian did get to see his Phillies win a World Series back in 1980 as a child, however, the remainder of his life, he was forced to see them viewed as hapless....and just missed out on their most triumphant years. He would be pleased that his boys and daughter are diehard Phillies fans - and especially baseball fans.
Just as I am a hockey fan because of my father, Jay and Nolan are 100% fans of not only the Phillies but the game of baseball because of Brian. Any vacation we took involved baseball. It didn't matter what city and what teams were playing. Spring Break trips at Spring Training became a tradition for Brian and the boys.....one that we've done without him once and it was actually difficult for my older son to not have his dad there. So much that he asked we not do it the next year.
I know that my children miss their father as much as I miss mine....and I am absolutely grateful for the lifetime of memories I have of my father.
What interest do you have that you credit your father for?
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
My Rant for the Week
"So, why are you single?"
I was asked this question 3 times over a 48 hour period of time.
Excuse me while I rant for a few moments....now is your opportunity to change to another web page.
I am single because CANCER SUCKS.....and stole the love of my life from me. Shattered all my hopes and dreams. Shattered the plans I had for my future when I said "I do". Yes, I realize it was for better or worse (and believe me - there was better and worse along the way) and until death do us part....BUT, I had no idea death do us part would be so soon.
This is what I really wanted to SHOUT at the top of my lungs in response to this question.
No, instead I politely replied, "I have no idea why I'm single."
I mean seriously.....what kind of question is that to ask someone? How many people will respond...."Oh, I choose to live my life in a lonely existence with plans to grow old alone." SERIOUSLY!!
I have to admit....the third time I was asked this question, I almost cried. It just touches a nerve - obviously.
So here is my public service announcement for today...please be mindful that single people are single for a variety of reasons.....and most do not want to be single. The last thing we want is to be reminded by others in relationships that we are single.
So, just as we all know it is awful to ask a couple "why don't you have children" or "when are you going to have children" (we all realize that is rude to ask....right??), pointing out someone's personal status is just as awful. There are so many reasons and circumstances.....and no one really likes to have these pointed out to them.
OK.....I'm done. Thanks for putting up with another free counseling session for Barb!
Addendum to original post....
I do realize that I am a wonderful person with great attributes....I am kind, I am thoughtful, I am fun, I am strong, and most importantly....FABULOUS! And, I do realize that when people ask this question, it IS a compliment because they are always surprised that a woman like myself is available. But, it is still tough to hear....over and over again (especially 3 times in such a short time span).
I have mentioned to others that I question myself often why I am single. Maybe my situation is intimidating, maybe I'm not convenient enough because I don't have every other weekend free like those with a shared custody situation, or maybe my fabulousness is just too overwhelming (I like to think this is it). But, just remember.....if you are thinking it....the individual you are asking has probably asked themselves the same question a million times.
I was asked this question 3 times over a 48 hour period of time.
Excuse me while I rant for a few moments....now is your opportunity to change to another web page.
I am single because CANCER SUCKS.....and stole the love of my life from me. Shattered all my hopes and dreams. Shattered the plans I had for my future when I said "I do". Yes, I realize it was for better or worse (and believe me - there was better and worse along the way) and until death do us part....BUT, I had no idea death do us part would be so soon.
This is what I really wanted to SHOUT at the top of my lungs in response to this question.
No, instead I politely replied, "I have no idea why I'm single."
I mean seriously.....what kind of question is that to ask someone? How many people will respond...."Oh, I choose to live my life in a lonely existence with plans to grow old alone." SERIOUSLY!!
I have to admit....the third time I was asked this question, I almost cried. It just touches a nerve - obviously.
So here is my public service announcement for today...please be mindful that single people are single for a variety of reasons.....and most do not want to be single. The last thing we want is to be reminded by others in relationships that we are single.
So, just as we all know it is awful to ask a couple "why don't you have children" or "when are you going to have children" (we all realize that is rude to ask....right??), pointing out someone's personal status is just as awful. There are so many reasons and circumstances.....and no one really likes to have these pointed out to them.
OK.....I'm done. Thanks for putting up with another free counseling session for Barb!
Addendum to original post....
I do realize that I am a wonderful person with great attributes....I am kind, I am thoughtful, I am fun, I am strong, and most importantly....FABULOUS! And, I do realize that when people ask this question, it IS a compliment because they are always surprised that a woman like myself is available. But, it is still tough to hear....over and over again (especially 3 times in such a short time span).
I have mentioned to others that I question myself often why I am single. Maybe my situation is intimidating, maybe I'm not convenient enough because I don't have every other weekend free like those with a shared custody situation, or maybe my fabulousness is just too overwhelming (I like to think this is it). But, just remember.....if you are thinking it....the individual you are asking has probably asked themselves the same question a million times.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Another 13.1 Bites the Dust....Team LIVESTRONG Pittsbugh Half Marathon
Two weeks ago my 16 year old son and I pulled out of our drive way in the dark and headed eastbound for Pittsburgh.
Our mission for this road trip: To run another 13.1 miles as a member of Team LIVESTRONG and continue running for those that cannot because cancer has stolen them from us; to provide hope for those fighting each and every day to beat cancer; and most importantly, to support LIVESTRONG.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
Another 13.1 miles down....for a total of 78.6 raced to raise over $6,000 for LIVESTRONG. And another 121.4 to go before the end of the year with a goal of raising a minimum of $10,000.
Jay and I had never taken a road trip with just the two of us since he was in Kindergarten.....and that trip involved Paris and London. Pittsburgh isn't nearly as glamorous but this time he was a teenager with a license....so his first road trip as a driver.
I had a great time chatting with him in the car, listening to him analyze the upcoming Bulls/Heat series and why Microsoft purchased Skype (what 16 year old knows this stuff??). When did my little boy that was just interested in Legos and Star Wars become a young man?
Once we arrived in Pittsburgh - which is a BEAUTIFUL city....take time to visit it if you have the opportunity - I headed off the the convention center for the Expo. Of course, in true Barb fashion, the clouds opened up as soon as we checked into our hotel....a torrential downpour that reminded me of the monsoon in LA.
After tracking down an umbrella and avoiding as many puddles as I could, I arrived at the Expo. A very well organized event....and the coolest part? All participants received "green" swag bags. An e-mail arrived a few days prior to the event with links to all the coupons, etc that are normally in the bags. Runners only received a few items at the Expo...bibs and shirts - great long sleeve tech shirts individualized for the 5K, Relay, Half or Full. Off for a quick trip through the aisle of venders. I've attended a lot of race expos and to be honest, for the most part, once you've been to one, you've been to them all. But, there were some new venders at this event so it was a welcome surprise.
Next up....the LIVESTRONG booth.
I was greeted by three amazing LIVESTRONG employees. I was asked prior to the weekend if I would relieve them for a few hours so they could attend an event for the charity groups. What an honor! I received my instructions and for the next two hours met fellow participants picking up their gear as well as loads of folks just passing by. It was such an amazing experience to engage in conversation with individuals that were interested in LIVESTRONG, hear their experiences and answer questions about this outstanding organization.
Just as I was about to close up shop, I was greeted by my fellow LIVESTRONG teammate, Katie, and her husband, Scott. Katie and Scott have been involved with LIVESTRONG for years and are captains of the team I participate on for the LIVESTRONG Challenge - Friends Fighting Cancer. Check out their site to learn more about this group.
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| 1000's of names on a wall but we were right by each other |
A little history.....
Katie and Scott are bikers. I was introduced to them by a mutual friend - that friend of mine here in town that encouraged me to read Lance Armstrong's book "It's Not About the Bike" and to get involved with the LIVESTRONG Challenges. I showed up that first year in Austin not knowing anyone. The Friends Fighting Cancer team welcomed me as one of their own. And not being a biker, Katie helped me through that first 45 mile bike ride.
Fast forward to this past August. There was a LIVESTRONG Challenge in Philadelphia and it landed on the anniversary of Brian's passing. My 12 year old, 7 year old and I loaded up the van and headed to Philly. Scott and Katie, and the FFC team, welcomed us with open arms....it was like we were with long lost friends.
Another trip to Austin this past year for another Challenge.....and this time Katie never left my side as we rode the 45 miles again - in hill country no less and 2 weeks after I had run the Chicago Marathon. Not even when I collided with another biker (in front of Team RadioShack). She hung with me while I signed away my life in order to obtain a band aid. It was during this bike ride Katie mentioned that she wanted to start running again.
So.....when I signed up to run with Team LIVESTRONG for the Pittsburgh Half, Katie signed up as well.....and Scott signed up to volunteer at the event.
Fast forward back to Pittsburgh....
It was great to see my fellow cancer kickin' pals....and Katie is a true cancer kicker having survived cancer (check out her story here). Katie had encountered an unfortunate injury which derailed her training a bit but was still determined to attempt the distance, even if she had to walk. Once again demonstrating the LIVESTRONG attitude that allowed her to beat cancer.
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| Katie & I meeting Jeff Galloway |
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| Katie, Scott & I carbing up |
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| Staying dry at the start |
No, this was about accomplishing something with a friend that never left my side when I was doing something new - biking. Katie NEVER considered peeling off from me. She made sure I was doing ok throughout the ride, kept me company and gave me advise along the way. I had no idea what all those gears were for....she educated me along the way.
It was payback time.
We chatted about a million different topics, did the run/walk Galloway method, high-fived kids, danced along with the bands on the course, made each other laugh, and 13.1 miles later.....we FINISHED!
Katie's first half marathon....showing cancer who is boss.....as she continues to LIVESTRONG! One of my proudest finishes EVER!
Next up for me? The North Shore Half Marathon in the Chicago suburb, Highland Park.....home of Ferris Bueller. I doubt we will be running through backyards and hurtling hedges like Ferris did....but how appropriate to be RunningStrong for Hope to benefit LIVESTRONG in the town this movie was filmed. A film that definitely is about living life to it's fullest.
I'm slowly but surely approaching my $7,000 goal for June......please consider donating any little bit you can....maybe forgo dinner or a movie?
Click here to donate to Barb's fundraising efforts for LIVESTRONG
One of my favorite signs in Pittsburgh......and I think many of my friends would agree this probably applies to me as I race 13.1 miles each month.
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