"Just Because I Love You...."

"Just because I love you."

How many times have we said this to another individual in our lives - the love of our life, a parent, a sibling, a child?

How many times have we overlooked saying it?

How many times have we overlooked showing our love?

How many times do we take love for granted?

10 years ago this week, I celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary with the love of my life.  It was a day like any other day.

Wake up, shower, wake up our three kids (9, 6 and 10 months), chaos of getting out the door - breakfasts more than likely eaten in the back of the van.  Splitting up kids and taking them to their respective camps, day care, practice, etc.  Off to work.....work.....leave work to split up parenting duties to pick up kids, go to baseball, play rehearsal, swim practice, etc etc etc.  Somehow fit in dinner on the run, baths and kids to bed....then off to bed ourselves.

I am sure somewhere along that normal crazy day in the life of working parents with three kids we realized it was a milestone anniversary and maybe there was a quick kiss on the run and a "Happy Anniversary" but nothing more.  I wonder if we even acknowledged it that much!

I do know we both knew that life with three kids under 10 was crazy and had discussed that we would figure out a way to celebrate with a dinner or maybe even a weekend away some other year.  But at this moment, it just wasn't possible.

Unfortunately, it never was possible.

Two months later, Brian was in the hospital for a very rare form of cancer and passed away within 2 weeks of his diagnosis.

My life is filled with regret - most I can accept and change direction or go back and have a "do over."

One of my biggest regrets I can't "do over."

Taking our love for one another for granted is number 1 on my regret list.

Tuesday would have been our 25th wedding anniversary.  

To honor our missed opportunity of acknowledging our love to each other, I am asking that you help me in celebrating this lost milestone by making an unexpected gesture of love to someone important in your life "just because you love them."

A hug, a lingering kiss out of the blue, flowers, do the dishes, bring home dinner, or just simply tell them how much you love them and why they are so important to you.

Then please share your "Just because I love you" moment with me as a comment on my post or on my Facebook page.

For each moment that is shared with me , I will make a $5.00 to the LIVESTRONG Foundation in memory of Brian and our 25th anniversary.

For every $25 donation made to my LIVESTRONG fundraising account on June 10th, I'll donate another $5.00. (use this link to make a donation on-line)

Please don't ever take those you love for granted.  I am living proof that you will regret it and you can't have a "do over."

By the way - I love all my friends and family for all the support you have given me these past ten years. Thank you and I LOVE YOU! 

"Forget Regret, or Life is Yours to Miss" ~ Jonathan Larson

Regret.

It is an awful emotion.

I have had lots of obstacles thrown in my path during my lifetime. Obstacles that I had no control over.

Deaths of loved ones - parents, sister, brother-in-law, and my own spouse.  Enduring the fallout of a divorce between my father and step-mother - a woman that treated me as her own child and is the only memory I have of a mother. All obstacles outside my control.

I have no regrets about any of these events.  Sadness from these events however will be with me forever.  But not regret.  With the exception of my mother, due to my age when she passed, I have no regrets about these relationships. I will always miss them.

I still find myself wishing I could pick up the phone to call them.  I still have my brother-in-law's phone number in my contacts. I talked to him a lot after Brian's passing as he and I could relate to how we were both feeling having lost a spouse.  It took me years to not pick-up the phone on a Sunday evening to call my father.

Regret does fill my life though.

Regret for not taking chances;
regret for taking some chances;
regret for sharing too much of myself with others that didn't deserve so much of me;
regret for being too guarded;
regret for not sharing feelings and finding I was too late;
regret for misreading situations;
regret for sharing my feelings other times while misreading situations;
regret for making assumptions.

Regret for standing still for too long and becoming stuck.

Regret for playing it safe and creating a life which brings me little joy on a daily basis.

Regret for letting life slip by.

I am in a bit of a melancholy state at the moment as I sit on a flight returning home from a weekend in Austin, TX.  A weekend surrounded by friends and LIVESTRONG love.  I am excited to see my children but I am not happy about returning to the life I have created for myself.  A life filled with regrets.

I was reminded of these regrets as I sat in the airport and looked around me.  People excited about their adventures, people with loved ones.  Yes, maybe that's how they view me too but doubtful as I spent most of the time fighting back tears. Tears driven from regret.  I realized I have given up on being incredibly happy in my life...although I can be spontaneous, generous and fun-loving, I am not 75% of the time.  25% is not good enough for me....and it should not be for any of us.

The excitement of going to Austin was replaced by an underlying sadness and regret a few weeks ago.

I realized some feelings I had that I should have shared some time ago and made assumptions which I kept to myself.  I finally shared these...and mind you, I didn't share them well. Although I shared them directly with the person involved, I masked them in anger. I recognize that in sharing these too late, and making assumptions I should have asked about, that I have more than likely lost that friendship forever....all because I never confronted emotions....because I played it safe....because I allowed hurt from others to cause me to make assumptions of this person.  A friendship that was incredibly important to me.  A friend that I had a deep connection with.  A friend that can never be replaced.

Regretful.  Sadness for my missed opportunity. Sadness for the emptiness created by the void not having this person as any part of my life.  Regretful.

I am filled with a heavy heart....and the resolution that I will not allow my life to be on hold.

And I refuse to create any more regret.

I am not sure what that will look like, where I will end up, but I can guarantee you, I will be a new and improved me.

The Last Kiss

"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience." -Victoria Holt

Have you ever reflected back and realize you missed out on the last opportunity of something truly meaningful?

No, not the last donut in the dozen (otherwise that would be every weekend in my household of three children) and not filling your tank with gas before the prices raise twenty cents while you were sleeping.

I'm talking about the last opportunity that you didn't realize was the last.

This happened to me early this year when I hugged someone good-bye that at the time I didn't realize was a "good-bye."   This experience reminded me of another very important moment I have often regretted "missing."  However, recently I realized that this "moment" from the past was actually a wonderful experience.

I remember the moment so clearly.  It was the last kiss I shared with my husband, Brian.   Funny, I remember this kiss more clearly than our first kiss.  Don't get me wrong, I remember the first kiss....on the Ithaca Commons in the middle of January while all my friends were waiting for me to head back to campus.  In true upstate New York fashion, it was snowing and quite cold.   I also recall Brian gave me some lame line that I knew was a lame line at the time....he really didn't need to use a line.  I had hoped he would kiss me.  But, that wasn't the last kiss.....it was just the start of a lifetime together.

No our last kiss is so much more vivid to me.....because I didn't realize at the time I wouldn't kiss him ever again.  Perhaps this is what has caused me to replay it in my mind more often, causing such clarity....and regret for not recognizing it's importance at the time. 

Brian had been admitted unexpectedly to the hospital days earlier and he was headed off to surgery to determine what was causing his medical concerns.  This was prior to our confirmation that he had cancer.  Brian was very worried - I think he watched Paul Newman's The Verdict a few too many times - for those of you not familiar with one of Brian's favorite movies, Paul Newman's character is pursuing a malpractice lawsuit after a woman goes into a coma when going under antheshia for a surgery.  If you knew Brian well, you certainly should not be surprised that he was worried about this scene being reenacted.

Anyways, perhaps it was his worry but I was certain that I'd see him a few hours later.  The kiss was in a hallway leading into the surgical unit and he was on a gurney in a hospital gown.  Not nearly as romantic as Ithaca, NY with snow falling around us.  However, it was this kiss that I vividly remember - and it was this kiss that was filled with the sparks that reminded us both how in love we were with one another.  Not that we ever doubted our love but I think we all can agree that once life gets busy with work, kids, etc, your relationship with your spouse goes into an unplanned "holding pattern."  All the more reason to make an effort to not let this occur!

Brian survived that surgery however the news was terrible and he never left the hospital again.  There were numerous tubes, oxygen, etc. that  wouldn't allow any more than a quick peck on the cheek.

I will spare you the details of those last few days, however they were filled with both joy and sadness.  At this point, we were preparing for the end.....however, again, I still didn't realize that the kiss we shared in the hallway prior to his first surgery would be his last.

Why am I remembering this now?  My realization that I missed an ending I wasn't aware of made me wonder what other endings had I missed.

Which made me wonder....am I bad at anticipating change in my life?

Am I too optimistic?


This reflection has really peaked my sense of observation.....and I will wonder a bit more with every encounter I have.  I certainly do not take life for granted but now that I have put more thought into this, I will no longer take individual actions or encounters for granted either.

"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience." -Victoria Holt

A new guiding principle for me.  After losing several loved ones much too young, I really don't take life too seriously.  I also realize that regret isn't necessary - it's either a wonderful life experience or it is a learning experience.  If I keep my eye's open, hopefully future experiences can be both.

Please no pity party for me......just an observation that I need to be more observant of life - and we should all appreciate the unexpected a bit more.