"Just Because I Love You...."

"Just because I love you."

How many times have we said this to another individual in our lives - the love of our life, a parent, a sibling, a child?

How many times have we overlooked saying it?

How many times have we overlooked showing our love?

How many times do we take love for granted?

10 years ago this week, I celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary with the love of my life.  It was a day like any other day.

Wake up, shower, wake up our three kids (9, 6 and 10 months), chaos of getting out the door - breakfasts more than likely eaten in the back of the van.  Splitting up kids and taking them to their respective camps, day care, practice, etc.  Off to work.....work.....leave work to split up parenting duties to pick up kids, go to baseball, play rehearsal, swim practice, etc etc etc.  Somehow fit in dinner on the run, baths and kids to bed....then off to bed ourselves.

I am sure somewhere along that normal crazy day in the life of working parents with three kids we realized it was a milestone anniversary and maybe there was a quick kiss on the run and a "Happy Anniversary" but nothing more.  I wonder if we even acknowledged it that much!

I do know we both knew that life with three kids under 10 was crazy and had discussed that we would figure out a way to celebrate with a dinner or maybe even a weekend away some other year.  But at this moment, it just wasn't possible.

Unfortunately, it never was possible.

Two months later, Brian was in the hospital for a very rare form of cancer and passed away within 2 weeks of his diagnosis.

My life is filled with regret - most I can accept and change direction or go back and have a "do over."

One of my biggest regrets I can't "do over."

Taking our love for one another for granted is number 1 on my regret list.

Tuesday would have been our 25th wedding anniversary.  

To honor our missed opportunity of acknowledging our love to each other, I am asking that you help me in celebrating this lost milestone by making an unexpected gesture of love to someone important in your life "just because you love them."

A hug, a lingering kiss out of the blue, flowers, do the dishes, bring home dinner, or just simply tell them how much you love them and why they are so important to you.

Then please share your "Just because I love you" moment with me as a comment on my post or on my Facebook page.

For each moment that is shared with me , I will make a $5.00 to the LIVESTRONG Foundation in memory of Brian and our 25th anniversary.

For every $25 donation made to my LIVESTRONG fundraising account on June 10th, I'll donate another $5.00. (use this link to make a donation on-line)

Please don't ever take those you love for granted.  I am living proof that you will regret it and you can't have a "do over."

By the way - I love all my friends and family for all the support you have given me these past ten years. Thank you and I LOVE YOU! 

The Perseverance of Runners

"We run, not because we think it is doing us good, but because we enjoy it and cannot help ourselves...The more restricted our society and work become, the more necessary it will be to find some outlet for this craving for freedom. No one can say, 'You must not run faster than this, or jump higher than that.' The human spirit is indomitable." 

-Sir Roger Bannister, first runner to run a sub-4 minute mile

"Running is not, as it so often seems, only about what you did in your last race or about how many miles you ran last week. It is, in a much more important way, about community, about appreciating all the miles run by other runners, too." 

--Richard O'Brien


The events last Monday at the Boston Marathon impacted each and everyone of us.  A sense of vulnerability was suddenly very apparent   The uncertainly, the fear, the terror all captured on video and pictures, along with the aftermath that followed the following week were unimaginable.  

This hit home for me.  No, I was not there.  And no, I am not related or know any of the injured or deceased.

But this was personal, as I suspect it was for all of us in some way.

I have a love for Boston.  Both my parents were born and raised in Boston.  I have family that lives there.  I have friends that call Boston home.

My 9 year old and I just returned from a spring break vacation to Boston last month.  I let her pick where we were going to travel.  I was prepared for Orlando or the beach.  But once again, this little girl surprised me.  Her choice was Boston.  She had never been but had been learning about the northeast in school so Boston was on her radar.

She picked out our daily itinerary  which included walking the entire Freedom Trail, having lunch at Fanueil Hall, and touring the Boston Tea Party Museum.  But two experiences came flashing back into our minds last Monday.  

One of the very first "touristy" experiences we had was viewing the city from The Prudential Building.  From that vantage point we noticed the Boston Marathon finish line, which is marked permanently on  Boylston Street in yellow paint.  The other was her decision to check out the Boston Public Library - which is just steps away from the finish area.

Although there have been many tragedies during my daughter's short lifetime, never before had she been able to place herself in the exact location, to be able to picture the surroundings, to have a frame of reference.  It saddened me that as a 9 year old, she could envision herself in the exact locations flashing up on the news surrounded with tragedy.  She was scared by the events and the familiarity of it all.

The events also impacted two other important families of mine - the running community and the LIVESTRONG community..

As a marathoner, running has saved me many a times through bouts of depression, anger and frustration.  Training for marathons has given me goals, given me stamina, given me a sense of invincibility and perseverance no other sport has ever given me.

Participating in marathons brought me to LIVESTRONG.  It was my first marathon that got me involved with Team LIVESTRONG.

Participating in running created new friendships.  Runners are incredibly supportive of one another - regardless of age, speed or accomplishments.  I have never been surrounded by such a competitive group of people that ALL wanted everyone else to succeed as well.

Through running I have built long lasting friendships with people from Oregon, Colorado, California, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Florida, Texas, etc etc etc.  Many through participation in LIVESTRONG events.

And last week, this tragedy hit my running family.   The majority were strangers, but none would be a stranger if I was running beside them.  I've never run a marathon, half marathon, 10K, 5K or just a group run where anyone was truly a stranger.  There is a camaraderie that exists among runners.  

I've struggled along some races but with the support of the strangers lining the course and the runners around me, I've always been able to dig deep and get it done.  

Running has given me the opportunity to a lover of new cities as I become a running "tourist" and has created a secondary family from events such as Hood to Coast (I dare you to spend 30 plus hours in a van with strangers sleeping in grassy fields, scouting out bathrooms and changing in/out of some rather smelly clothes and not make new friends that know you better than some of your own family).

A few of my Team LIVESTRONG Hood to Coast family were on the course last week.  They had worked relentlessly to achieve a goal of qualifying for the Boston Marathon.  One has been plagued by injuries but the other stuck with her throughout the race. 

Because that is what runners do for one another.  They help each other through tough situations.

And although so many did not finish the marathon due to the explosions, I have a pretty big hunch that none of them even cared about that.  Unlike other marathons that were black flagged due to weather, lacked enough hydration on the course, or just were poorly planned for a number of reasons, I have yet to hear of a single marathoner complaining about how this impacted them.  Not a sign of selfishness.

I think they all did what all runners do.  They thought beyond themselves.  They took care of each other.  They immediately thought about those in need - we have all heard of those leaving the course and donating blood (after running 24 - 26 miles!), providing support to the EMTs, comforting one another, sharing cell phones to let loved ones know they were OK.

You know what?  Runners were already rather supportive of one another.  Guess what....this tragic event has created an even stronger bond among runners.  The Elites to the sub 4 hour runners, the wheel chair participants to the charity runners.  The moms, dads, grandfathers, grandmothers, brothers, sisters, sons and daughters.  None with multimillion sports contracts.  All running 26.2 miles willingly (yes, we are a crazy sort of bunch to begin with).  

And you know what else?  I suspect we will see a rise in the number of runners out on the trails and streets this next year.  And an increase in the numbers running marathons. And an increase of runners trying to qualify for the Boston Marathon - pushing themselves beyond limits they knew they had inside themselves. 

And even more importantly, an increase in the number of spectators lining the courses, because in addition to all the news being covered by the networks, this past week has also drawn attention to the amazing athletes that are just like you and I; that live in every town, city and village across our country.  And each are supported by family and friends.  

Yes, I'm incredibly sad by this event.

Yes, I am angry that my different families were impacted.

And yes, I'm going to keep running marathons!

Who wants to join me???

Lance Through the Eyes of a 9-year Old

I suppose you heard a little story that involved Lance Armstrong this week.

Perhaps you listened to all the speculation about an interview he had with Oprah this week.

Perhaps you read a lot of articles and opinions about the interview - before and after it aired.

And perhaps you actually took the time to watch the interview.

And I suppose....no, I know.....we all have differing opinions about Lance.  Just as we all have different opinions about gun control, abortion and how to fix our economy.  Heck, we all have different opinions on the Chicago Cubs.

And I love that.  

I love that we live in a world in which we can all have our own opinions...including my children.

Two of my children have accompanied me to LIVESTRONG events, and even helped with fundraising of their own.

My middle son asked me not to talk about the "Lance stuff" this week because in his mind, it was no different than so many other athletes out there.  He was upset that people were confusing Lance the cheater with LIVESTRONG.


This morning, I had the opportunity to chat with my 9 year-old.  She has big plans this year to create a Hula Hooping event as a fundraiser for LIVESTRONG.   I wanted to make sure she knew what was going on about Lance so she could ask questions.  I wanted her to be prepared for comments and questions from her friends in case anyone questions her LIVESTRONG band.

So I told her what was going on. 

Her response - "I like Lance because of LIVESTRONG and I couldn't go to Camp Kesem without Lance.  I have a lot of friends because of LIVESTRONG and Lance."

But, she did mention that she didn't like that he was a cheater.  That in her mind was wrong.  BUT, for her, the LIVESTRONG community, the ability to attend Camp Kesem (read more about Camp Kesem here) and make friends that are JUST LIKE HER - with a parent that has cancer, a parent that is a cancer survivor or having lost a parent with cancer - has been a game-changing experience for her.  

So if a 9 year-old and 14 year-old can differentiate between Lance the cyclist and LIVESTRONG, shouldn't we all be able to differentiate?

My opinions about Lance really don't matter - because what Lance did on the bike may have impacted a sport and a lot of people, but I wasn't one of those people.  I am not one of those people that he needs to apologize to.  He didn't bully me, didn't threaten me, didn't ask me to help cover anything up, didn't pay me off.

Don't get me wrong - this doesn't mean my opinions about Lance the cyclist haven't changed, just like my opinions about Mark McGuire, Barry Bonds, Ben Johnson, Jose Canseco, Roger Clemens, Marion Jones, Alex Rodriquez, Lenny Dykstra, Andy Pettite, and the countless other athletes that have used banned substances to improve their performance changed.

The difference for me is that I never called any of these individuals my hero - and none of them asked any of us to make them our hero.

I'll say this though.  Lance survived cancer.  This alone makes him a hero in my book.  Because no one close to me - my mother, my father, my aunt, my sister, my husband and his grandmother - have survived cancer.

Yes, Lance is a cheater.  But let's remember, he also cheated cancer and death.  

That Lance, the cancer cheater, is my hero.....because of his approach to a disease, because of his vision and understanding that there was a void to help others cheat death.  
   
I have seen first hand the devastation cancer causes not only the individual fighting the disease, but the aftermath the cancer leaves when it steals a parent from their children.  

My mother passed away 43 years ago - and I'm 46.  I have lived my entire life dealing with the devastation of cancer.  My mom wasn't there for advice, my mom wasn't there to guide me through the difficult teenage years, my mom wasn't there to meet my husband, help me pick out my wedding gown, see me get married, give me advice as I became a first-time parent of my own.  

My own children are now going through that.....and it is no fun.

How I wish their father had cheated cancer.  

I'll respect everyone's personal opinions, but ask that before you lump LIVESTRONG into the same category as Lance cheating, you take time to learn about what LIVESTRONG does.  Perhaps read some of my past posts about how LIVESTRONG has saved me from drowning, how LIVESTRONG has helped countless thousands in their battles with cancer.  Yes, they do not fund research....but only because plenty of other organizations do.  And they do not discriminate against any type of cancer, any age of cancer patient, whether you have cancer or are related to a cancer patient, any nationality.  

I will continue my fundraising efforts for LIVESTRONG because I have personally benefited from LIVESTRONG, as have many of my friends.  It is personal to me....the LIVESTRONG community is like family to me.

I hope you'll continue to support me as the year goes on however, I will completely understand if you do not.....but ask that you consider other organizations that support the cancer community - perhaps Camp Kesem, Imerman Angels, Movember....the list goes on.  

I hope for all of us, that a athlete cheating will not keep valuable services unavailable for all of us if and when we need them.

Stopping to Smell the Roses along 26.2 Miles

I feel as though I should provide some sort of disclaimer for the story I am about to share.   What I did this weekend is not something I would recommend anyone do on a routine basis....but boy, was it worth it!

No, I did not jump out of another airplane.  Nor did I rappel off the side of a skyscraper.

I ran the Chicago Marathon.

"Huh?" you may ask.  "What's wrong with that?  You are a runner Barb.  RunningSTRONG for Hope - duh."

Well, I ran it without training.

A typical training plan for a marathon takes 18 weeks.  18 weeks ago was June 3rd.

Hence my problem.

I was in the middle of training for my biggest challenge to date - cycling across Iowa for a week in July....in 100 degree temperatures.

OK, some of you may not find that to be a big hurdle.  But for me, cycling was not something I was comfortable with.  The longest I had ever ridden was 65 miles this past October ....and that was difficult.  

I didn't feel at ease with my bike.  

The little bit of cycling I had done in the past didn't prepare me for 7 consecutive days of cycling - with the shortest day being over 50 miles.  And did I mention the sweltering heat in the middle of cornfields in July?  Oh, and camping in this heat was involved.

So, starting a marathon training program back in June was not on my radar.  I figured when RAGBRAI was over in July, I'd just pick up running again.

Or so I thought.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) I became a cyclist on that trip across Iowa.  Somehow along the way, I found I didn't enjoy running anymore.

Some of these feelings had been festering for sometime.  Maybe it was a little running burnout from my half marathon a month in 2011.  Maybe it was my running group breaking up due to work commitments and moves.  

All I know for sure is the few times I tried to run after RAGBRAI were torture.  I didn't enjoy it at all.  So, instead I signed up to ride a Century in Door County Wisconsin, which required more time on the bike.

Yes, I did get in a few runs.  I am embarrassed to admit that the longest run I did this year other than the Austin Half Marathon in February and the Illinois Half Marathon in April was 7 miles.  And that 7 miles was downhill.....down the bottom end of Mt Hood in Oregon.  So I had gravity on my side for that run.

Yet here I was on Sunday morning.  Lining up with close to 40,000 other runners in Grant Park under the Chicago skyline as the sun rose.

Lining up in Corral E...the charity corral.  Lining up next to serious sub 3:30 marathoners and first timers with plans to make it to the finish before the course closed.  Team-in-Training, Team to End Aids, PAWS, Fox Foundation, Team World Vision, Imerman Angels, and numerous other organizations.  Over 3,000 runners that not only dedicated their time to complete a 18 week training program but to also fundraise for causes near and dear to them.

I was surrounded by a sea of yellow.  This is why I was there.  This is why I showed up regardless of my training.  To participate as a member of Team LIVESTRONG.  A team of over 250 runners that raised over $230,000 to kick cancer to the curb.  Over 80% of those funds go directly to programs that assist cancer survivors.

On my wrist were the names of 26 cancer warriors - most that ran out of time in their battle with cancer....others still showing cancer who is boss.  Each mile along the route was dedicated to one of these folks.  

My mom and dad were mile 1 and 2.  Fitting since my life began because of them so it only made sense that this journey began with them.  Mile 25 and 26 (plus .2) were dedicated to my sister Janet and my husband Brian.  Again fitting because both were very instrumental in my adult life and have left an enormous footprint on the Barbara that you know.

In between were grandparents, sisters, fathers, friends, a son and daughter.....all loved ones that were very important to a variety of my friends - friends I have made throughout my lifetime.  Some friends from high school, others from college, one or two from my work life, many others from my experiences with LIVESTRONG and a few others complete strangers I know only from Twitter or my blog.

These 26.2 angels that were along for the run are why I was there.  Why I was putting myself through the intense pain a marathon causes a human body to endure - even worse for a body that wasn't trained.  

And although only 2,000 people finished behind me....and this was by far the slowest marathon I ever ran....it was the most memorable marathon for me.

I ran alongside my friend Kate for the first 16 miles.  This was Kate's second marathon with Team LIVESTRONG but her first one was derailed by a bum knee that forced her out at mile 3.  I was there at mile 3 cheering her on when she realized she had to stop.  Hardest decision for a runner to make but she made the right decision.  No doubt about it.  One knee surgery later and she was back again this year.

She tells me I got her through the first 16 miles but it was her that got me through those 16 miles.  Without Kate's diligence to stick to our Jeff Galloway run/walk plan (we both decided this was the smart route to take since I was under-trained and she was unsure of her knee), I am certain I wouldn't have finished as I would have gone out too fast and crashed.  Every 4 minutes Kate would let me know it was time to walk....and 1 minute later she'd remind me it was time to start again. 

Eventually we did part ways but not until we mutually agreed to do so at mile 16.  

I ran the next 8 miles - typically the dreaded death march and hitting the wall miles - with ease.  I stuck to our plan but picked up the running pace just a little.  Surprisingly, I felt great.  

I had no business being out there.  But with each mile marker, I would look down at my wrist and see the dedication for that mile.  And thinking of that individual.....or the friend that made the dedication.....inspired me to keep going.

At mile 24 I came across another teammate that at first glance was just taking a walk break.  But once I saw his face, I knew something wasn't right.  He was injured and had been walking with great difficulty since mile 20.  It was cold on Sunday and he was shivering.  The sun had ducked behind some clouds and the wind off Lake Michigan had picked up a bit - not great for a body that was just sweating.

We began chatting and although he suggested I go on and finish, there was no way I was going to leave this gentleman - a cancer survivor no less.....and thereby a hero in my eyes.  I was finishing with him....no matter how we got there....and was immensely honored to cross that finish line with him.  His determination was inspiring.  As we walked together, we shared our stories.  It was, by far, the most touching moment I have ever had in all the races I have run over the years.

I showed him my wrist band and shared with him mile 25 was for my sister Janet.  It struck me how appropriate this was as Janet would do anything for anyone.  She always put others before herself and her needs.  Perfect for this mile.

Mile 26 was from Brian and with every marathon  I have always teared up crossing the finish line.  Partially because just finishing a marathon is such an overwhelming experience but also because I started all this to honor Brian.  And after watching him suffer through his cancer, through the pain - both physically and emotionally, finishing a marathon always reminds me of this pain....and how much he suffered knowing how difficult life would be for myself and the kids without him in our lives.

It was so appropriate that I was running this last mile in honor of Brian with my new friend - who during that last mile was making a video of us running....and added a message for his wife...it was apparent how much he loves her and how much their love for one another helped him during this race and the race for his life.

Yes,...it was hard.  I would never recommend anyone try this....and I'll never run a half or full again without training.

I do wonder if I had trained would my experience been as inspirational to me.

And yes, I did high five every kid along the way, read as many posters as I could, thanked volunteers, danced along with the music on the course, chatted with a few friends I came across spectating and had a beer.  And thanks to Kate, I finally noticed The United Center after running by it three times.   All things that I would have missed had I been going for the 4 hour marathon.

And yes, I did realize I do enjoy running still.  Although, now I also enjoy cycling too.

Pain really is temporary.  Stopping to smell the roses is memorable.

Living in Slow Motion ....Again

Today is the day.....

The day cancer infected the lives of my children.....

The day their worlds were never the same....

The day their childhood innocence was stolen from them....

The day they realized their parents were not made of superhero material.....

The day they became different from all their friends....

The day they had to start providing explanations to their father's whereabouts....

The day our lives started moving in slow motion.

I wrote about this last year - and I need to write about it again this year but from the perspective of my children. (See The Day My World Began Moving in Slow Motion)

August 6, 2004 - at about this time - 6 pm-ish.....the boys and I were playing with Rachel (just shy of her first birthday) and cheering her on as she took her first steps.

I recall the boys excitement and we couldn't wait for Brian to come home from work so we could share this milestone with him.

We waited....

and waited....

and waited.

Suddenly, the phone rang.  The boys were getting somewhat distracted as a 6 and 9 year old tend to do....but as soon as they recognized that I was on the phone with their father, they became quite interested again.

But, I'm sure they could sense something wasn't quite right......just as I sensed something wasn't quite right as soon as I heard Brian's voice.

I will never forget that feeling when I heard Brian's voice....the concern, the nervousness, the unknown.  For those of you that knew Brian, you know that he was never nervous....never scared.  He may have had the ability to worry for no reason about things but he was always in charge; always in control.    This was not the Brian I had weathered ups and downs with.  Something wasn't right.

And at that moment, the world around me slowed down.....for all of us.....

And I'm sure if my children could remember all the details at the time, they could see the change in my voice and my demeanor.

Brian was admitted to the hospital at 6 pm-ish on August 6, 2004.

And he would never step out of the hospital again.

Cancer had entered our lives - and would take his life within a short 2 week span.  A time period that was filled with unknown, despair, some laughter but mostly sadness.

And the most difficult part of it all?

Sure, it was difficult for him and I to grasp the idea that our "to death do you part" was coming much sooner than we had ever anticipated.

No, the most difficult part was looking into the eyes of our children and explaining to them what was happening.  Our older one understood immediately and ran off full of anger and grief.

Our younger son didn't understand.....didn't really grasp what we were sharing with him.

A few days prior to Brian's passing, Nolan and I were walking through the hospital and he looked up at me.  "Mom, Dad is never coming home again, is he."  What a awful statement for a 6 year old to have to think about, let alone have to speak.

Brian never had the opportunity to witness his beautiful daughter take a step....he was never able to hold her again.

Damn cancer.  

This is why I run/ride ridiculous events while juggling a full-time job and raising three children alone.  This is why I ask all of you to support my efforts for LIVESTRONG.  This is why I get up at crazy hours to squeeze in a ride or run.  To KICK CANCER'S ASS!

August is always a reminder to me of how much I hate cancer - don't we all?  Don't we all have stories of how cancer has impacted our lives?

The next two weeks are much easier each year but still go in slow motion for me at times as memories come flowing back.  Thankfully it is easier - and thankfully I am able to "celebrate" life the day after Brian's passing with Rachel's birthday.

I know many of you think I may be crazy (and yes, I think so as well quite often) but it is my goal to make sure other kids and parents don't have to have an August moment like the Simmons family did.

Thank you for your emotional support.....and your financial support to my fundraising efforts all these years!

If you'd like to help LIVESTRONG help other's survive cancer with FREE services, please consider making a donation at Barbara's Chicago Marathon Fundraising page to Benefit LIVESTRONG

Five for Five on the Fifith

Sunday is August 5th.

Just another day of summer...right? 

Not in my world.  Each of the 15 days proceeding August 5th is significant to me.

Eight years ago, August 5th was the LAST day cancer was not part of our daily world.   August 6th was the day my husband and childrens' father, Brian,  was admitted to the hospital and our cancer journey began.

August 5th was still filled with hope of a lifetime together.  I would do anything to have 5 minutes back with Brian....and my sister....and my mother....and my father.

So, in honor of this hope and the chance others can have a lifetime of memories with their  their loved ones,  hope, I am asking you to join me in donating $5 to LIVESTRONG - $5 for 5 minutes on the 5th.


I've done the cycling across Iowa and I'll do the running across Oregon at Hood to Coast and through the streets of Chicago during the Chicago Marathon.  All I ask, is that you part with $5.00 - one Starbucks Grande Latte or one IP Brew or one Chipotle Burrito.


Can we get 50 $5.00 donations on the 5th for 5 more minutes??  Use the link below. 


Thanks so much!


5/5/5 Donations to Support LIVESTRONG

Rekindling My Inner Spirit on RAGBRAI with Team LIVESTRONG

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." ~ Albert Schweitzer

I have received numerous odd looks this week when co-workers asked me how I spent my vacation.  I suspect when they saw my tan and relaxed disposition, they assumed I had spent a week lounging on a beach (which wouldn't be a stretch).  They appeared a bit shocked - as they should be - when my response was that I spent the week cycling across Iowa in 100 degree temperatures and sleeping in a tent.  Shocked that I didn't step foot in a single air-conditioned resort hotel with a swimming pool.  Shocked that there were no spa visits, gourmet dinners, relaxing afternoons poolside or sleeping in until I naturally woke up.

A common question to my explanation that I spent the week riding my bike was "WHY??"

Well, why not?

Why not spend a week camping with 75 strangers - actually 10,000 total?   

Why not spend a week surrounded by 75 caring supportive individuals?

Why not spend a week with 75 other cyclists that "get it"....that understand that cancer has taken a toll on all our lives in some way or shape.

Once again, participation in a Team LIVESTRONG event has rekindled that fire inside me.  

I was constantly taken aback by the generosity of my teammates and the hospitality of the Iowa communities that welcomed 10,000 plus cyclists into their towns, creating havoc on their traffic and the simple trip to the grocery store.

I left my home on July 20th just one person....just one member of the Team LIVESTRONG RAGBRAI group....just one cancer hater....just one runner that was attempting to take on the most challenging event of her life.

I returned home on July 28th a part of something bigger.  I returned home as part of a community.....still  one person but one with 75 new friends.....75 new supporters and cheerleaders....75 individuals that together were willing to turn this runner into a cyclist.....that took the time to slow down as they rode by me to make sure I was okay....75 others that made me feel as though I was not alone in the aftermath cancer has created in my life.  

Among those that I had the pleasure of experiencing their inner spirit.... 

• The teammate that only knew me from our team Facebook page yet opened her home to me - a complete stranger - so I could appreciate one last night of comfort in air-conditioning and a bed.  I had no idea at the time how valuable that would be.  This wonderful teammate became my guiding light all week and took this RAGBRAI virgin (yes, it is tradition to call first-timers virgins and "mark" us with the word spelled out on our calves) under her wing, teaching me the important RAGBRAI ropes of camp life and enjoying the ride.

• The entire LIVESTRONG staff that made sure to welcome me with support and enthusiasm regardless of the time of day - before I had my coffee at 5 am or when I was the last to roll into camp at 6 pm....this also was the case when they would come along me on the route during the day.  The minute we all arrived in Sioux Center, the feeling of being at a family reunion was evident.

• The gentleman that recently celebrated his 75th birthday and pulled me aside after I completed my ride on day 3 asking to ride with me the next day.  At this point I was contemplating not riding anymore.  I hadn't verbalized that to anyone yet I suspect this wonderful caring man recognized this in my demeanor.  He never left my side the next day - through the sun, 110 degree temperatures and strong headwinds.  This 75 year old man made me ride behind him and blocked all the wind for me.  He made sure my water bottles had ice in them.  He made sure I ate along the way.  He kept me entertained with his fantastic stories.  He bought me my first soda in 6 years - a very delicious Mugs Root Beer and made me realize that soda is like an energy drink....only better!  Without Gene, I certainly would never have gotten over this RAGBRAI Hump Day and was able to continue the rest of the week with relative ease - at least mentally!

• On that same day, we were joined by another teammate at a little past the halfway point when the day began to heat up....and the wind just continued blowing.  This gentleman is a true cyclist and trains on the hills in Tennessee and Kentucky.  A bit different than the terrain of flat middle of nowhere corn-country that I ride in.  He could have just chatted with us for a moment and been on his way.....been back to the camp and enjoyed a shower, a few beers and the company of our team.  But no.....although I suggested numerous times that he go ahead, he would not.  He stayed with me the remainder of the day and helped me improve my cycling.  These two men were willing to stop whenever I needed to - in case you didn't know, I HATE running, cycling etc in the heat.  Give me a 40 - 50 degree day and I am in heaven!  As we went up hills, Don could have hammered right up them but he stayed at my side and actually offered to push me up.  Much to his dismay, I did get off and walk up one....but I was going so slow I suspected I was going to fall over.  

• The Lenox Bike Club.....a group of complete strangers that without any questions - other than whether I was a Hawkeye or Cyclone fan (I got lucky and said whichever team has LIVESTRONG colors) - provided me a ride back to camp with their team when I ran out of steam.  If they had not, I would have sat waiting for the SAG bus for hours upon hours.  As a matter of fact, I came across this bus two other days and they remembered me - even asked if I needed a ride again.  

• The lovely lady in the second town we stopped in that approached me and my friend as we sat in her shaded yard.  We were just 2 of 10,000 that rode by her house that morning yet she approached us with an offer to use her bathroom.  Just opened her home to two complete strangers.  Then proceeded to fill our water bottles with ice and water.  

• The amazing families across Iowa that turned on their sprinklers and hoses to cool us all of as the temperatures rose.

• The various teammates that took the time to set-up my tent for me while I was still out pedaling across Iowa because I was so much slower than everyone else.  What a fabulous treat!

• Numerous teammates that gave me hugs, high-fives and encouragement although I was the last one back each day.  They had more faith in my abilities to succeed that I had in myself.

• The complete stranger  from Wisconsin that rode up alongside me around mile 20 and took a thoughtful moment to ask who Brian was (I had a "In Memory of Brian" card on my bike).  We had a wonderful time chatting and before I knew it, I had ridden 90 miles - 70 with this stranger that I know consider a friend.

• Our team mechanic.  He humored me and my complete lack of bike knowledge - always willing to make the tiny adjustments to my bike that I should have been able to handle on my own.

The list goes on and on and on.  Numerous teammates pulled me up hills during headwinds, gave me cycling tips along the way, entertained me with funny stories.  Little did they know I was on the verge of tears at times - that I just wanted to quit.  

THIS is why I spent my summer vacation riding my bike across Iowa.  Otherwise I never would have met these incredible human beings.....my life would be that more empty for not having crossed paths with these people - some for only a moment or two. 

It reminded me that in a world that we are surrounded by reality t.v., terrible  senseless shootings and bullying, in reality, people are good.  People are generous.  People are thoughtful and loving.  You just need to open yourself up and find them!

There is no question in my mind that I will participate in RAGBRAI again with Team LIVESTRONG.....just to rekindle my spirit through all these amazing souls!

The Year of the Bike....RunningSTRONG on Two Wheels

“Challenges make you discover things about yourself that you never really knew. They're what make the instrument stretch-what make you go beyond the norm.”

This year I am taking on a new challenge.  Not that running a half marathon every month or running full marathons is not challenging....they are.

I lost a bet....a bet that in hindsight, I am actually glad that I lost.

Last year I entered into a little wager with some cycling friends of mine.  They offered up to each run a marathon in exchange for me riding RAGBRAI - a 7 day bike ride across the state of Iowa.  I took them up on it but recognized that running a marathon is hard - even for a runner like myself.  So, I let them off the hook a little.  They just needed to each run a half marathon.

Well, they all did.  And I think they all appreciated how difficult running can be.

And I am glad that they accomplished this goal.  All three tried something new.  All three worked extremely hard at being successful.

And better yet, I am taking on a challenge I NEVER would have considered before.

And I am excited about it!

I am not very comfortable as a cyclist (first of all, it took me three years and some coaching by one of these friends to learn to call myself a cyclist instead of a biker).   I don't understand all the intrincities of cycling.  Running - piece of cake.  I put on my shoes and go.  Well, I guess it really isn't that easy, but when you are comfortable with something, it is easy, right?

So, I am allowing myself to get out of my comfort zone.  This July, I will be riding 471.1 miles across July, more than likely in the middle of a Midwest heatwave.  In addition, I'll be pitching a tent each evening.....this is actually more scary for me!  I don't mind camping, as long as someone else is doing all the setting up.  So, yet another challenge for me.

Isn't life about getting out of your comfort zone?  I think so.  And this is exactly what I need....to push myself out of my comfort zone...to get "unstuck."  Just one of many changes I'll be making this year - but that is another blog post entirely!

Not only am I riding across Iowa as a challenge to myself, but also to spread awareness about LIVESTRONG and raise funds to allow this outstanding organization to provide support to those battling cancer.

I am still "RunningSTRONG" as I'll be doing a few running events this year - Hood to Coast and the Chicago Marathon - but my focus will be on the bike.  I'm "RunningSTRONG on Two Wheels"...it is the year of the bike!

More details to come but there will be several opportunities for you to provide support to me along the way.  I plan on blogging about my journey as well as share more information about LIVESTRONG.

I will be riding 471.1 miles for cancer survivors.....do you have someone you would like me to ride for?  If so, keep following....more details to come!  

I look forward to sharing this journey with you and hope you'll follow along!

Support Barb as she takes on RAGBRAI - Team LIVESTRONGf.livestrong.org/site/TR/Grassroots/General?px=1002527&pg=personal&fr_id=1200

Planking Strong for Hope

This past weekend I participated in the LIVESTRONG Austin Half Marathon as a member of Team LIVESTRONG.  I was honored to be asked to serve as the fundraising mentor for this team, which allowed me to get to know many of the runners beforehand.

The stories shared with me were so inspiring.    Many members of the team are cancer survivors - one currently in the middle of his battle.  What can be more inspiring than that?  Really....putting up a courageous battle for your life and WINNING?  Then deciding to tackle a very hilly run of 13.1 or 26.2 miles?  Talk about inspiring!

The weekend was kicked off with a Team brunch and an opportunity to hear Amy Dodson share her incredible story of cancer survival....she is a major cancer warrior in my book.  Amy lost a leg to cancer - as well as survived lung cancer after being given a 10% chance of survival.  She didn't let this stop her...she runs marathons and ultras, competes in triathlons....and at an elite athlete level.  I highly encourage you to read more about her at http://blog.livestrong.org/2010/04/23/amy-dodson-one-leg-one-lung-100-miles/.

Amy Dodson

She talked about her illness being a gift. Without her illness, she wouldn't have discovered her gift of running.

This hit a chord with me. As much as I hate that cancer stole so many of my loved ones, if it weren't for cancer, I wouldn't be involved with LIVESTRONG....and I wouldn't have many of the incredible friends I have....and I wouldn't have started running again.

Livestrong friend and I with Amy after race

Which gets me back to my involvement this weekend.  I raised close to $2,500 for LIVESTRONG by race day....and I'm not done....my goal for the year continues to be $15,000.

Along the way I decided I would "earn" donations by completing a plank at each mile if I raised $1,000.  I participate in the Plank A Day Revolution on Twitter, so I thought it would be a great idea to spread the word about the benefits of planking (strengthening your core and back - something runners are very much lacking in and creates injuries) while having fun raising money for LIVESTRONG.

Mission accomplished.  A bit to easily I may add.  I still had 45 days until the race and needed to come up with something to do for another milestone.  So, I decided I would complete a plank each mile while running in a pink tutu.  Those that know me well, know that although I like to have fun, I am not one to run with a lot of baggage.  I don't race with an ipod and I only carry what can fit in that little zippered pocket on the back of my shorts. Running in a tutu has never been a "bucket-list" item.

I think I set my goal too low...$2,000 for a tutu was easily reached....and I was suddenly on the search for a running tutu.  Glam Runners had just what I needed.  A shout out to them for their fantastic service AND the proceeds from the sales of these tutus goes to Girls on the Run - an organization that provides education and support for healthy living.  So, you donated to LIVESTRONG, which made me purchase a tutu from Glam Runners, who then donated to Girls on the Run......a win/win for everyone!  This was made personally for me, fantastic and quick service.  And, light as can be...not cumbersome at all.  That being said, I'm not going to become a regular tutu runner....unless of course it means more money raised for LIVESTRONG.....and if you'd like me to wear a tutu again, consider making a donation.   Donate to support Barb's LIVESTRONG efforts

One of several run-ins with Bart Yasso...I suspect he thought we were following him we ran into him so often

The weekend was a true LIVESTRONG fix for me....just what I needed.  Being surrounded by others that get it...that have been impacted by cancer and have also decided to turn their passion for running into a personal battle against cancer.  Not to mention having the opportunity to meet and talk with Bart Yasso a few times (he was staying at our hotel), as well as receive a high five from him as I crossed the finish line.

This was not a race for time....certainly not if I planned to plank each mile.  This was the LIVESTRONG Austin Marathon and Half Marathon.  Everyone involved was there because cancer had impacted their life in some way.   Typically, at the Team LIVESTRONG marathon events, we are just a small group among tens of thousands of people.  This weekend, the tens of thousands were all there to run and support LIVESTRONG.

I lined up in the back with a great friend I met during a Chicago Marathon Team LIVESTRONG event - and coincidentally is friends with a friend of mine from grade/high school (small world connections abound in the LIVESTRONG world.  We both were undertrained to push ourselves to the limit for this race for a vairiety of reasons but due to taking time off after fall Team LIVESTRONG marathons.  She agreed to be my "official planking photographer" for no charge at all.

The Tutu Planking for Hope through Austin.....

The pre-race plank warm-up

At the start corral

Mile 11 (no mile marker)

Mile 12 (no mile marker)

At the finish line

 Donate to Barb's LIVESTRONG efforts

"Forget Regret, or Life is Yours to Miss" ~ Jonathan Larson

Regret.

It is an awful emotion.

I have had lots of obstacles thrown in my path during my lifetime. Obstacles that I had no control over.

Deaths of loved ones - parents, sister, brother-in-law, and my own spouse.  Enduring the fallout of a divorce between my father and step-mother - a woman that treated me as her own child and is the only memory I have of a mother. All obstacles outside my control.

I have no regrets about any of these events.  Sadness from these events however will be with me forever.  But not regret.  With the exception of my mother, due to my age when she passed, I have no regrets about these relationships. I will always miss them.

I still find myself wishing I could pick up the phone to call them.  I still have my brother-in-law's phone number in my contacts. I talked to him a lot after Brian's passing as he and I could relate to how we were both feeling having lost a spouse.  It took me years to not pick-up the phone on a Sunday evening to call my father.

Regret does fill my life though.

Regret for not taking chances;
regret for taking some chances;
regret for sharing too much of myself with others that didn't deserve so much of me;
regret for being too guarded;
regret for not sharing feelings and finding I was too late;
regret for misreading situations;
regret for sharing my feelings other times while misreading situations;
regret for making assumptions.

Regret for standing still for too long and becoming stuck.

Regret for playing it safe and creating a life which brings me little joy on a daily basis.

Regret for letting life slip by.

I am in a bit of a melancholy state at the moment as I sit on a flight returning home from a weekend in Austin, TX.  A weekend surrounded by friends and LIVESTRONG love.  I am excited to see my children but I am not happy about returning to the life I have created for myself.  A life filled with regrets.

I was reminded of these regrets as I sat in the airport and looked around me.  People excited about their adventures, people with loved ones.  Yes, maybe that's how they view me too but doubtful as I spent most of the time fighting back tears. Tears driven from regret.  I realized I have given up on being incredibly happy in my life...although I can be spontaneous, generous and fun-loving, I am not 75% of the time.  25% is not good enough for me....and it should not be for any of us.

The excitement of going to Austin was replaced by an underlying sadness and regret a few weeks ago.

I realized some feelings I had that I should have shared some time ago and made assumptions which I kept to myself.  I finally shared these...and mind you, I didn't share them well. Although I shared them directly with the person involved, I masked them in anger. I recognize that in sharing these too late, and making assumptions I should have asked about, that I have more than likely lost that friendship forever....all because I never confronted emotions....because I played it safe....because I allowed hurt from others to cause me to make assumptions of this person.  A friendship that was incredibly important to me.  A friend that I had a deep connection with.  A friend that can never be replaced.

Regretful.  Sadness for my missed opportunity. Sadness for the emptiness created by the void not having this person as any part of my life.  Regretful.

I am filled with a heavy heart....and the resolution that I will not allow my life to be on hold.

And I refuse to create any more regret.

I am not sure what that will look like, where I will end up, but I can guarantee you, I will be a new and improved me.

Don't Put This Babs in a Corner

I survived Valentines Day....also known as Single Awareness Day.

I survived seeing those around me at work get calls to pick up vases of beautiful flowers. I survived relentless love songs on the radio.

Off point here, but can you really love someone like a love song? Exactly what does that mean? I'm curious because it appears to be the only song on a 20 minute rotation.....and as my daughter grows up, I'd like to be able to explain how she is feeling about that cute boy in her class is the same as a love song.

I survived the numerous questions about my Valentine evening plans. I thankfully had some in place and understand it is just a question, but please people....have some empathy and compassion for single people.

I was the recipient of lots of notes from friends that took time to recognize and did not take it for granted that someone was going to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. A day that unfortunately singles a lot of people out. I am so glad I have surrounded myself with such amazing friends. Many of those I met along the way through LIVESTRONG. The day was made even brighter when I received an email from my LIVESTRONG contact along with a video thanking me for my involvement as a volunteer.

Just simply knowing others were thinking of me made my day fantastic.

I was asked a very interesting question by my daughter a few days ago, and thankfully it didn't involve an explanation for how you love someone like a love song. She was addressing her Valentine cards for her third grade classmates when she asked why her teacher said they had to give cards to every classmate or not participate. "Why wouldn't I want to give one to everyone in my class?"

Amazing. I love the insight of children. She would never dream of excluding anyone....they are her friends and she wants them to all know she cares for them.

That's how I felt today. My friends did not want to exclude me either and as they reached out to their loved ones, they took time to shine down on me as well.

Society on the other hand needs a reminder from the grade school teachers....remember everyone. Create Valentine activities that celebrate the love of friendship, of love lost due to unfortunate circumstances, of those that choose to be single.

The wheels are spinning in my head and I vow to attack this void next year....not sure what it will be....but there will be something for people like me.

And those plans I had tonight? I tagged along as a third wheel with some folks I really didn't know all that well. It was a running group that has included me on their mailing list, yet have never joined them for a run. Some were getting together to go see a comedy show in town. 5 couples (only one I knew from other social circles) and myself. I decided I wasn't going to sit at home alone....not going to keep sitting here waiting for someone to realize how fabulous I am. Nope!! I am going to go to dinners by myself, join groups whether or not I am asked, buy one ticket to concerts, and a large popcorn for myself at the movies.

Will it be fun? I suspect it will not, but sometimes it will. As a matter of fact, tonight was fun....but it was also a little painful....sad and lonely. But I promise you all, that I'm taking on this personal challenge and I will not let cancer "put baby in the corner."

What Comes After a 7 Year Itch?

And so it begins...

A new year....
 
Filled with endless opportunities.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to 2012.

Thrilled to have made it past another holiday season.  Don't get me wrong.  I love Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

This year just seemed tougher.  Granted, I had my share of ups and downs throughout the year and the holidays have always been difficult with the lose of Brian, but this year just really seemed more difficult.

It got me thinking. 

Brian passed away 7 years ago.  Was this a "7 Year Itch?"

I was curious the true definition of "7 Year Itch."  According to an internet search, it originally was "the inclination to become unfaithful after seven years of marriage."  Further research discovered a more applicable definition - "an urge to move on from any situation."

2011 was the 7th anniversary of Brian's passing.  7 years of missing him....but for some reason this year was more difficult.  I seemed to miss him around every corner I turned.

Perhaps the main reason for these feelings was the falling apart of a relationship that was very important to me....it truly was steps in the direction of finally moving forward.

The falling apart of that relationship caused me to realize how much I really missed Brian....and in retrospect, was it because I was upset about moving on?  And the inability to move on?

Regardless....we are now deadhead into year 8....and it began with a haircut (yes, I know this sounds silly but it was very freeing and brought back a little bounce to my step....sassy Barb was back), signing up for a few 2012 LIVESTRONG events (one being a little bike ride across Iowa - uh oh), setting a few  new goals for a new year (including taking 30 minutes a day devoted to reading a book)....and new traditions this past holiday season (one being ringing bells for Salvation Army).

I rang in 2012 with my 8 year old daughter as my teenage children have very busy social lives these days.  Rachel and I had a blast - definitely the most memorable New Year Eve's since Brian's passing).  We painted 2012 t-shirts, played new games, had a jump on one foot competition, ate chocolate fondue, and eventually after I begged Rachel, went to sleep at 1:30 am.  I also learned that she describes everything as awesome.....but then again, life is pretty awesome, isn't it?

So 7 year itch?  So long!  On to 8 year beginning!