"The Crime of Loving is Forgetting"

"The crime of loving is forgetting." ~ Maurice Chevalier

About 27 years ago, give or take a year or a few months, my closest college friends and I were contemplating our futures.  It was agreed - unanimously I may add - that of the 5 of us, I would be the last to marry and would always be a fabulous aunt, but never a mother.

Ironically, I was the first to marry and the first to have children...three no less!

Life certainly gives you surprises along the way (that would definitely explain why there is a rather large gap between by middle child and the youngest...Surprise!!).

My dreams and aspirations when I was 19 and 20 years old are considerable different that the 46 year old version of me.

The first major change in my dreams and hopes?  Unexpectedly meeting this really great guy at a fraternity party in the second semester of our senior year in college.  This frat boy and I had both been in Ithaca, NY over the same period of time, but not until January 1988 did we cross paths.....and our paths stayed intertwined from that day forward.

There was never any question in my mind - although this boy did not work into my "plan" nor my friendly wager with my college girlfriends.

No, this boy was a game changer - or more appropriately a life changer.

Tomorrow marks the 24th anniversary of my marriage to this frat boy.  

24 years since our college friends - many of them that were present on that fateful evening in the basement bar of Lambda Chi Alpha - gathered to celebrate the beginning of a new chapter in both our lives.  A chapter neither of us saw coming so quickly.  But nonetheless, a chapter we were not going to run away from.

I truly believe that every so often, someone will walk into your life that changes it forever.  

Brian was this person to me.

I have no doubt that there have been others -  friends I have made along the 46 years of my life, teachers, coaches, and quite possible complete strangers on a plane.

Brian was different.  He allowed me to unleash my inner-confidence.  He never once doubted what I was able to achieve - although (and I'm sure this will surprise many of you), I was filled with doubts about myself.  

We clicked. 

Every moment from that first time we spoke (in which he told me they were out of beer.....really, who runs out of beer at a fraternity happy hour??), we never skipped a beat.  It was always effortless - even when it shouldn't have been.

Recently a very brave friend asked me a question that I suppose others would have been offended by.  I'll admit, I was for a moment until I realized that this person - as many others - really was just curious and trying to gain an understanding.  It wasn't meant to judge me or anyone else.

I was asked at what point do widows "move on."  It wasn't directed to me per say, it was really just a general question and since I was a widow, and I'm pretty much an open-book, and lets face it, an opinionated one to boot, it makes sense to ask me.

My response was we all move on in a different time frame.  There is no "exact" time and quite honestly, as I've mentioned before, grieving never truly is "over."

Yes, I am still in love with Brian.

How do you stop loving someone that had such an influential impact on your life?  As I've mentioned in previous posts, I don't know what it is like to be divorced, but I do know that those I'm friends with still go through a grieving period, yet often times there is no love lost in those relationships.

The difference with a widow?  Our relationship was ended for us by something completely out of our control.  It didn't end because either or both parties feel out of love or potentially realized they never were truly in love.  Now, before I am criticized, I do recognize that some widows perhaps were in loveless marriages.  

That was not the case with Brian and I.  We were very much still in love when he passed away.  Never in my mind - and I can only hope he felt the same way - did I ever doubt that I would live the rest of my life with him by my side.  

Unfortunately, that was only true for Brian.

Yes, I have moved on.  As a matter of fact I have loved again since Brian passed away.

Ironically it is that relationship that put my life on hold....made me feel stuck....and caused me to struggle moving forward. It was that relationship that caused an internal struggle with moving forward because with the end of that relationship, I lost trust, lost faith, and sadly lost my sense of confidence.

I will always love Brian.  I have no reason not to love Brian.  We didn't part ways angry and disillusioned with one another, didn't disappoint one another, didn't lose trust in one another, never made each other feel like an option and never ever stopped loving one another.

Brian is very much still a very important part of my life.  We have three beautiful children that deserve to know their father and how much he loved them.  As a matter of fact, it would be hard to forget Brian even if I never spoke of him again.  One is the spitting image of Brian and all three exhibit behaviors of Brian, so every day I am constantly given subtle reminders of him.

I absolutely love that my life crossed paths with Brian that night....without him, I would be a completely different version of myself.

I am so glad that night occurred when it did and that the bond between Brian and I was so strong so immediately.  I am glad that both of us recognized that our meeting was worth derailing our hopes and dreams.

Otherwise I would not have enjoyed 15 fabulous loving years married to this frat boy.  I'll take those 15 years with him loving him over a lifetime without him.

And I will never regret still loving him.  No one, no experience, no bumps along the road of life will ever change my feelings for him.

Now, go hug someone special in your life and tell them how much you love them!

And enjoy those unexpected surprises life tosses you!

Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

Albert Camus

It has been a rough couple of years for me.  I guess you could say rough decade considering I have lost my sister whom was more like a friend to me than a sibling, my father, my brother-in-law - the husband of my sister that passed earlier....and may as well have been a brother since they started dating when I was 6, and my spouse.  

At first, none of these deaths seemed to affect me.  At first, I just kept moving forward.  

About a year after Janet's passing, I remember breaking down into tears standing in the middle of our kitchen.  I don't recall what triggered the breakdown - most likely nothing.  But suddenly I was crying.  I didn't feel it coming on....the tears just started....and wouldn't stop.

I remember Brian coming around the corner from the living room and without saying a word, enveloped me in his arms, hugging me for what seemed like an eternity as I sobbed....and sobbed....and sobbed. 

I remember the feeling of being safe, the feeling that it was okay to be sad, it was okay to let my feelings take over, the feeling of comfort, and the intense love we had for one another.  That loving support....he had absolutely no idea why I was crying - or at least what had caused the river to begin - but deep down he knew.  

He knew I was filled with sadness.  He knew I missed Janet terribly.  He knew I was out of sorts.  He knew I was in a state of depression.  He knew Ii was just walking through the motions of each day.  He knew I was grieving. 

Once the crying subsided and I took a deep breath, he shared all this with me....the recognition of my emotional state that I had been ignoreing.  He told me he knew I was depressed.  He knew I had an overwhelming sadness taking over my soul from the death of Janet.  He knew I was in dispair. 

And he accepted it.  

He knew I could do better each day....I could be more engaged....I could be more involved. 

But he accepted that I wasn't. 

He understood.  

He had amble opportunity to be angry with my withdrawn behavior that year.  He had numerous opportunities to turn away and move forward without me.  He could have walked away.  He could have ignored me,   

But he never did.  

His acknowledgement of my sadness and patience in waiiting for me to recognize it was a true testament to the love Brian had for me.  He was concerned, yet he wanted me to find my own way, and stood by me allowing me to get to that point when the flood gates would open....naturally....on my own terms. 

He didn't give up on me.  He allowed me to find my way.  He provided the support I needed - when I didn't realize I needed it nor acknowledged it.  He held me up when I faltered.

But most importantly, he walked beside me....he waited....he loved me.  

Over the next year, there was need for him to fill that role again....after a miscarriage and then the passing of my father.  Once again I demonstrated that strength so many see in me, yet inside,unknown to myself, I was a wreck.  And Brian knew it.  And Brian supported me. And Brian waited.  And Brian caught me when I fell.  

He understood that everything comes in good time....good and bad.

Unfortunately, he wasn't there for me when I needed him the most.....after his own passing.  And just like my past experiences, I needed to be strong.  For our children.  For his family.  For those coming to his visitation.  For those around me.  For most do not know how to react to a grieving widow.  And showing strength made it easier for everyone.

Those of you that have been following along the past year or so know it hasn't been an easy few years.  Although it has been 8 years since Brian passed, the grieving doesn't just go away.  It doesn't go away with one good cry.  

It takes time.  It sits inside you.  It pops up here and there.  It really never goes away.

Brian understood that.  

Thankfully I have friends that understand that too.  But for everyone else out there, please recognize that we all grieve differently.  And it doesn't ever go away.  It sits there....and sometimes the tears just appear for no reason.

Why do I mention this today?  Well, for no reason today, as I was walking to my car after work, it hit me.  As it has before.....and will again.  For no reason whatsoever.  

And I missed having Brian there to "walk around the corner to comfort me."

A hug from Rachel did just that after seeing her smile across the room from me today at her first cello lesson.  Somehow, she knew her mom needed a hug and a smile,

So what do I ask you to take from this?  Stand beside your friends....just wait....offer support....and wait.  You may think they should be ready to move forward.....to cry....to get angry....to laugh.  But really, they probably don't know they need that themselves.  And telling them what they need won't work.  

A soul in distress needs nurturing....and support along the way.....and a wordless hug when the flood gates break.

Thanks to all of you that have understood that over the years....you know who you are....I love you and appreciate you!

The Bonus Days

"When the heart grieves over what is has lost, the spirit rejoices over what it has left.

8 years ago I endured the worst 24 hours of my life....

8 years ago, Brian was taken into emergency surgery.....

From the same hospital bed he had spent the last week.....

From the moment he was admitted to the hospital for a low blood count.....

To the moment he returned from "exploratory surgery" which identified cancer throughout his body....

The same hospital bed he shared with our 9 and 6 year old boys that he had cancer....

The same hospital bed that he watched the 2004 Summer Olympics and the swimming competition with Jay and Nolan sitting beside him.....

The same hospital bed that we discussed insurance coverage and that he panicked about who the beneficiary was on the life insurance policy his grandmother had the foresight to purchase for him as a college graduation gift.

Less than an hour earlier, I had called one of his closest friends from college to share the news that Brian was in the hospital and was diagnosed with cancer.....

Less than an hour earlier I had shared with his friend that we were heading to Houston for treatment options.....

Less than an hour earlier, I was making breakfast for our children.

As I rushed to the hospital after Brian's call and urgent voice that something was drastically wrong, I remember seeing all the kids moving in at Illinois Wesleyan College and being angry....

Angry that their lives were still going on.....


Angry that no one else was going through what we were going through.....

Angry that there was so much uncertainty in our lives.

I met my mother-in-law in the waiting area and we headed down to the chapel.  We were not there 5 minutes when we were paged.

10 minutes after I walked into the hospital....30 minutes after Brian was taken into surgery.

This could not be good.

And it was worse than "this could not be good."

The surgeon - fighting through tears of his own - shared that there were complications from his previous surgery.

Looking back I should have recognized that surgeons do not cry....

Looking back I should have known that the news was terrible....

Looking back I feel bad that I was so clueless and made the surgeon repeat himself....

Over and over.....

And finally he had to be direct and blunt....

There was nothing they could do.

What?  What?  I don't understand....

Nothing you can do?

Nothing we can do.....Brian has 24 to 48 hours to live.

And then we just sat...Brian's mother and I.....

We just sat.....

We didn't know what to do....

Suddenly Brian's brother appeared....

I called one of my friends and left a frantic message to go to my house to relieve my sister-in-law....she needed to be there to console my brother and mother-in-law.

I had to make phones calls....to Brian's father....to my family....

And finally we got to see Brian.

He of course had no recollection what the surgeon had shared with him.....so I had to repeat it.

And just like me, he asked me to repeat it again.

And in true attorney fashion, he asked to speak to his surgeon (his wife couldn't have gotten this correct)....

And in true attorney fashion, he insisted they interrupt a surgery so he could speak to the surgeon....

And in true Brian fashion, he insisted that if he was going to die in 24 hours, he wanted a room with a view and a Coke.

And in true Brian fashion, he got what he wanted.....

And he made his mother and I laugh....

Because when they brought him his "Coke", he promptly announced, "This is a Pepsi.  I am dying....I want a COKE."  

And the nurses scrambled to put together their change and bought him a Coke from the machine.

Long story, I know.  But that 24 hours kept getting extended.....Brian didn't pass away for another week.  We had 5 bonus days together.

During that time, his unsuspecting fraternity brother called his room....thinking Brian was just recovering and getting ready for his trip to Houston.  He had no idea Brian was just given a death sentence.

And as the day passed, more fraternity brothers called from all across the country.  The phone never stopped ringing.

Two brothers flew to middle of the nowhere Illinois to visit him

And we reminisced and laughed after every phone call.....

And we shared memories with one another.....

And I slept each night on a cot next to his bed....

And he held my hand tightly each night.....all night.

Yes, it was the worst 24 hours of my life.....to be told that the one you love is going to die within the next few hours....

But, it was some of the most wonderful 5 days afterwards.....sharing with one another....sharing with each other how much we loved one another.....sharing all our deepest thoughts and feelings....and each minute being a "bonus."

Please, please, please....do NOT wait until the last 24 hours to take advantage of "bonus" days.  Think of each and every day you wake up next to the one you love as a "bonus" day.  Share with them how much you care for them....respect them.....give them the best of you!

If not for you and your loved one....than do it for what Brian and I am missing each and every day....and for the intense loneliness that surrounds my every moment.

Happy Mother's Day to Our Other Mothers

"A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it." 

 ~ Frank Howard Clark

Happy Mother's Day!


Last year I wrote a blog about my sisters and the importance they play in my life without a mother - my mother being stolen from our family when she was just 39 years old.  She left behind a loving husband and 5 children - ranging in ages from 14 to 3.


Recently  I realize that I left out a large group of amazing women that encouraged me, helped me find my way, and accepted me into their own families.  I feel awful for not including them.  So this is not only a year late but decades late -  thank you to Mrs. FitzPatrick, Mrs. Forrester and Mrs. Ferrell (strangely this is the first time I realized they all had last names that began with the letter F).  


 These women had their own children to worry about, their own households to run yet they all had the wonderful ability to share their motherly love with me.  Inclusion in family dinners, vacations, just sitting around "hanging out" with their families as though I was part of their families.  Helping me through difficult times of my own,  providing advice or just somehow knowing that I needed to be around a mother.  


I remember one instance after my father and step-mother divorced, I was going to the local fireworks display with the FitzPatrick family.  As we unloaded from the car, Mrs. FitzPatrick blocked my door and made me go out the other side.  I didn't realize what was going on, but found out later it was because my stepmother was exiting the car next to ours.  She immediately went into protect mode as though I was her own child.


Another time I was in a car accident during a snow storm I had no reason driving in.  I was scared to call my father - who wouldn't be?  My friends Jodi, Jenny and I returned to their house and their mother, Mrs. Faust, immediately called my father to break the news.   Moms always have a way of calming dads down....and it was difficult not having a mom at home to go into that nurturing mode.  


My own children are blessed with similar "other mothers."  These women have families of their own....are balancing the work and the craziness of running a household.....running to the over-scheduled events our children are now involved in these days.  Yet, whenever I need help....whenever my children need help....these women come to the rescue.


A ride here or there....a place to crash....a hug....an inside joke....a sharing of an accomplishment...or in times of unrest in our household (which believe me occurs when you have a few teenagers and a grieving mother), a voice of reason.


I love these women - and you know who you are.  And my children love you too.  


We would be lost without you.  


As we celebrate Mother's Day in the Simmons household, know that we also celebrate the "Other Mother's" in our lives as well.


As the African proverb states, it does take a village to raise a child.

"Forget Regret, or Life is Yours to Miss" ~ Jonathan Larson

Regret.

It is an awful emotion.

I have had lots of obstacles thrown in my path during my lifetime. Obstacles that I had no control over.

Deaths of loved ones - parents, sister, brother-in-law, and my own spouse.  Enduring the fallout of a divorce between my father and step-mother - a woman that treated me as her own child and is the only memory I have of a mother. All obstacles outside my control.

I have no regrets about any of these events.  Sadness from these events however will be with me forever.  But not regret.  With the exception of my mother, due to my age when she passed, I have no regrets about these relationships. I will always miss them.

I still find myself wishing I could pick up the phone to call them.  I still have my brother-in-law's phone number in my contacts. I talked to him a lot after Brian's passing as he and I could relate to how we were both feeling having lost a spouse.  It took me years to not pick-up the phone on a Sunday evening to call my father.

Regret does fill my life though.

Regret for not taking chances;
regret for taking some chances;
regret for sharing too much of myself with others that didn't deserve so much of me;
regret for being too guarded;
regret for not sharing feelings and finding I was too late;
regret for misreading situations;
regret for sharing my feelings other times while misreading situations;
regret for making assumptions.

Regret for standing still for too long and becoming stuck.

Regret for playing it safe and creating a life which brings me little joy on a daily basis.

Regret for letting life slip by.

I am in a bit of a melancholy state at the moment as I sit on a flight returning home from a weekend in Austin, TX.  A weekend surrounded by friends and LIVESTRONG love.  I am excited to see my children but I am not happy about returning to the life I have created for myself.  A life filled with regrets.

I was reminded of these regrets as I sat in the airport and looked around me.  People excited about their adventures, people with loved ones.  Yes, maybe that's how they view me too but doubtful as I spent most of the time fighting back tears. Tears driven from regret.  I realized I have given up on being incredibly happy in my life...although I can be spontaneous, generous and fun-loving, I am not 75% of the time.  25% is not good enough for me....and it should not be for any of us.

The excitement of going to Austin was replaced by an underlying sadness and regret a few weeks ago.

I realized some feelings I had that I should have shared some time ago and made assumptions which I kept to myself.  I finally shared these...and mind you, I didn't share them well. Although I shared them directly with the person involved, I masked them in anger. I recognize that in sharing these too late, and making assumptions I should have asked about, that I have more than likely lost that friendship forever....all because I never confronted emotions....because I played it safe....because I allowed hurt from others to cause me to make assumptions of this person.  A friendship that was incredibly important to me.  A friend that I had a deep connection with.  A friend that can never be replaced.

Regretful.  Sadness for my missed opportunity. Sadness for the emptiness created by the void not having this person as any part of my life.  Regretful.

I am filled with a heavy heart....and the resolution that I will not allow my life to be on hold.

And I refuse to create any more regret.

I am not sure what that will look like, where I will end up, but I can guarantee you, I will be a new and improved me.

Is There ONE Positive Aspect of Being a Widow?

Curious, aren't you.  What in the world could possibly be positive about being a widow?  I will get to this....but please be patient....there is a method to my thought process, although it may not make sense at first.  A little background to start with..... 

A year ago at this time I was dealing with some very difficult personal issues...and found myself living life on a Tilt-a-Whirl.  I also was heading off to Austin, TX for the 2010 LIVESTRONG Challenge....and finding myself surrounded by my LIVESTRONG family, gave me the strength to slow that Tilt-a-Whirl down.

It was also upon the return from that trip that I embarked on something new...writing this blog.  Take a look back at one of my original posts - How LIVESTRONG Saved Me From the Tilt-a-Whirl

What began as a way for me to share details about my training and races throughout the year has evolved into something completely different.

Yes, I am still running my races....and training....and raising funds for LIVESTRONG...but my blog posts have become more "therapeutic" for me....and an opportunity for me to honestly and openly share what life as a widow is like.  It ain't pretty....at all.

Life has definitely been on and off the Tilt-a-Whirl this year.  Yet my friendships in and out of LIVESTRONG have allowed me to "stay afloat."

My 13 year old son asked me earlier this year what was different....I compared myself to treading water.  When you are constantly treading water, you get tired.  When you get tired, you start to go under the water, but you pull yourself up and keep treading water.  Eventually, you get so tired that you can't pull yourself up anymore...and you begin to drown.

Life - the loneliness, the single parenting 365 days a year, the juggling work and home, the broken refrigerator, the flooded basement, the flat tire, the dead battery, the shoveling snow, the school "craft" projects, carving out time to exercise, grocery shopping, laundry, etc, etc, etc....finally 7 years later had me "drowning."

A lot of life experiences were involved in creating that Tilt-a-Whirl and drowning feeling however as I reflect back, I realize that the largest contributing factor was allowing myself to lose a piece of me in a relationship that was very important to me.

And also in this reflection, I recognize that bouncing back from this relationship has been far more difficult than moving forward after the death of my spouse.

Not that losing my spouse was easy....but he left me loving me....never made me wonder what I could have done differently, what was wrong with me (which by the way, I know there is aboslutely nothing wrong with me...I'm fabulous....but we all wonder that from time to time), never caused me heartbreak, never caused me to provide an uncomfortable explanation to my kids or friends,and never, ever left me questioning my ability to trust.

As a widow, losing the love of your life does create some sort of guilt for wanting to move on....to be loved again.....to allow yourself to love again.  However, with this relationship, I finally opened myself to the idea I could love again.  And loving again didn't mean my love for Brian never existed.  That love will always be a part of me....ALWAYS.

Why am I sharing all this?  Well, yesterday I surprised my boys with a trip to St. Louis to see their favorite baseball team, the Philadelphia Phillies, take on the Cardinals in the playoffs.  (A team their dad loved...and passed this on to his children). A once in a lifetime opportunity for them since we live 13 hours away from Philadelphia.

Why am I sharing this with you?  Well, in order to get to St. Louis, I had to complete a drive I had not done since my break-up earlier this year.  And emotions I had been hiding away came pouring back.

And why am I sharing this with you?  Well, because I can feel the emotional Tilt-a-Whirl creeping up again....makes me a bit angry....why in the world do I feel this way for someone that didn't find me important enough to move mountains for me?  I....we all....deserve that.  But, sometimes your heart wrestles your brain and wins.

So what?  Well, thinking about writing my blog for a full year got me to re-read my years posts....and yep, great therapy.  And even better therapy, seeing my LIVESTRONG gang again next week.  Can't wait to have my LIVESTRONG fix!  These are the folks that get it...that have been impacted by cancer themselves - in a variety of ways - but all supportive of each other and the various challenges cancer has created for each of us.  Yet another reason I am so passionate about LIVESTRONG.

But most importantly, I want to share the light bulb that went off in my head during that emotional drive.  Being a widow is awful....nothing positive about it.....with the exception of the lesson I learned this year.  Being left behind by someone that loves you entirely....because they have NO control over their leaving you....is much easier to accept than being left behind by someone that loved you and HAD control over their leaving.

And as always, appreciate the love of your life.  Move mountains for them.  Make them feel as though they are the most important thing in your life - which they are!  And, most importantly, if you love someone, be sure they know it....and don't let them ever forget it!

Was Pat Benetar Right? Is Love Really a Battlefield?

Am I crazy?

This question often runs through my mind.

Usually it is because I swear I left the car keys on the hook but they are no where to be found....how did they end up in the refrigerator?

It often times creeps in my mind when I reflect back on decisions I have made....going on a 14 hour drive with three young children, reading the Harry Potter books out loud to the boys when they were younger (um...ever heard of books on tape Barb?), deciding to run a half or full marathon every month (no I don't think that one is crazy but I know a lot of people think it is). 

Or I make a decision to jump out of a plane - OK that one may actually make me officially crazy.

Today the thought crossed my mind several times as I reflected on several recent conversations I have had with a variety of friends....all unrelated conversations and friends that have no connection to one another.

In all instances, our conversations somehow landed on relationships.  I suppose this isn't a common topic of conversation however two of the individuals are also single so when we "catch-up", this tends to be as common a topic as baseball schedules, homework and school activities are with my fellow mom friends.

The two individuals have VERY different perspectives however all the conversations always make me a bit cynical.   I am so shocked and dismayed that people have such a negative outlook on relationships.  Of course, I am in the minority being single from a very successful loving relationship with the love of my life.  There was no bitterness or misunderstanding in the end of our relationship.

However, I must admit, I have been on the receiving end of some of these "anti" relationship  relationships.  Granted, I am not out there looking to replace Brian....and as a mother of three children, I am not looking for anything serious - no remarriage or moving in with anyone.  I have three children to raise and protect, so I tend to keep the dating and kids separate.

Unfortunately, I have been involved with individuals I knew had histories of commitment phobia - and that was OK since they were very upfront although still disappointing since we always had fun - but at least I knew it wasn't me.  These individuals self awareness of their commitment issues do concern me because they continue to get involved in "relationships", diving in then running....much different than the individual that just dates.  These guys actually want a relationship although they know they will probably bail....but are willing to keep trying....with the same results....and leaving a trail of damage behind them.  A very vicious cycle.  Unfortunately, I think this scenario is more common that I would have ever suspected..

Then there is the other end of the spectrum.....yes, I have been lucky to gotten experience in both options.  Individuals that are very much interested in a serious relationship and profess their love, the future with you, etc, etc, etc....but in reality was no different than the first example.

Which scenario is worse?  In my mind, it is a pretty even tie.  Both leave a lot of damage - to all parties involved.

As I reflected on these two scenarios after the different conversations I have had the last few weeks, I realized that it is a mine field out there.....there are a lot of people walking around with broken hearts and distrust, which unfortunately although I came out of a very loving relationship, my involvement with those that were not from loving relationships, has made me a bit cynical myself.

Yes, Pat Benatar....you were right - Love IS a Battlefield!

I have found myself to be much more guarded, not willing to trust (although I am still dumbfounded that others would want to hurt people they care about.....but I understand it is all our individual baggage that causes this), and finally, the light bulb went off that because of all this baggage floating around the mine field, no one should take anything personally.

One last thought though, as someone that lost the love of her life because cancer randomly picked him to steal, it drives me nuts to see others that don't value the love in their relationships and are so willing to walk away......love isn't easy folks.....and it doesn't come often.....so please stop taking it for granted.  Perhaps then, and only then, we can get rid of that mine field.

So as I sit home alone less than 10 days from the anniversary of my husband's passing, please do this for me.....those of you that are in a serious loving relationship, please remember WHY you love your partner......remember what it was that drew you to that individual - before the kids, before the crazy work schedules, before the soccer and baseball and ballet and gymnastics.  Look over at them and see their beauty....and give them a hug and kiss....for no reason.

Be in love....trust love....enjoy love. 

The Last Kiss

"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience." -Victoria Holt

Have you ever reflected back and realize you missed out on the last opportunity of something truly meaningful?

No, not the last donut in the dozen (otherwise that would be every weekend in my household of three children) and not filling your tank with gas before the prices raise twenty cents while you were sleeping.

I'm talking about the last opportunity that you didn't realize was the last.

This happened to me early this year when I hugged someone good-bye that at the time I didn't realize was a "good-bye."   This experience reminded me of another very important moment I have often regretted "missing."  However, recently I realized that this "moment" from the past was actually a wonderful experience.

I remember the moment so clearly.  It was the last kiss I shared with my husband, Brian.   Funny, I remember this kiss more clearly than our first kiss.  Don't get me wrong, I remember the first kiss....on the Ithaca Commons in the middle of January while all my friends were waiting for me to head back to campus.  In true upstate New York fashion, it was snowing and quite cold.   I also recall Brian gave me some lame line that I knew was a lame line at the time....he really didn't need to use a line.  I had hoped he would kiss me.  But, that wasn't the last kiss.....it was just the start of a lifetime together.

No our last kiss is so much more vivid to me.....because I didn't realize at the time I wouldn't kiss him ever again.  Perhaps this is what has caused me to replay it in my mind more often, causing such clarity....and regret for not recognizing it's importance at the time. 

Brian had been admitted unexpectedly to the hospital days earlier and he was headed off to surgery to determine what was causing his medical concerns.  This was prior to our confirmation that he had cancer.  Brian was very worried - I think he watched Paul Newman's The Verdict a few too many times - for those of you not familiar with one of Brian's favorite movies, Paul Newman's character is pursuing a malpractice lawsuit after a woman goes into a coma when going under antheshia for a surgery.  If you knew Brian well, you certainly should not be surprised that he was worried about this scene being reenacted.

Anyways, perhaps it was his worry but I was certain that I'd see him a few hours later.  The kiss was in a hallway leading into the surgical unit and he was on a gurney in a hospital gown.  Not nearly as romantic as Ithaca, NY with snow falling around us.  However, it was this kiss that I vividly remember - and it was this kiss that was filled with the sparks that reminded us both how in love we were with one another.  Not that we ever doubted our love but I think we all can agree that once life gets busy with work, kids, etc, your relationship with your spouse goes into an unplanned "holding pattern."  All the more reason to make an effort to not let this occur!

Brian survived that surgery however the news was terrible and he never left the hospital again.  There were numerous tubes, oxygen, etc. that  wouldn't allow any more than a quick peck on the cheek.

I will spare you the details of those last few days, however they were filled with both joy and sadness.  At this point, we were preparing for the end.....however, again, I still didn't realize that the kiss we shared in the hallway prior to his first surgery would be his last.

Why am I remembering this now?  My realization that I missed an ending I wasn't aware of made me wonder what other endings had I missed.

Which made me wonder....am I bad at anticipating change in my life?

Am I too optimistic?


This reflection has really peaked my sense of observation.....and I will wonder a bit more with every encounter I have.  I certainly do not take life for granted but now that I have put more thought into this, I will no longer take individual actions or encounters for granted either.

"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience." -Victoria Holt

A new guiding principle for me.  After losing several loved ones much too young, I really don't take life too seriously.  I also realize that regret isn't necessary - it's either a wonderful life experience or it is a learning experience.  If I keep my eye's open, hopefully future experiences can be both.

Please no pity party for me......just an observation that I need to be more observant of life - and we should all appreciate the unexpected a bit more.

June 10th - The Day I Married the Man I Couldn't Live Without

"Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without." ~ James C. Dobson

June 10th.  

Just another day to most but it is a date that will always have meaning to me.

22 years ago, I walked down the aisle to begin a life with Brian.  A life of better or worse, til death do us part.  Brian was the man I couldn't live without.....the love of my life.



The past 7 anniversaries have been difficult but with each passing year, they become more of a day of reflection instead of a day of intense sadness.   As a matter of fact, it kind of crept up on me this year.

The first anniversary after Brian's passing, I was filled with sadness and a heavy heart once the calendar changed to June.  I dreaded the actual day however life didn't change on June 10th....the world didn't end...the sky didn't fall.  Instead, I had a nice long cry and was filled with an awful lot of regret.

Regret?  

That first anniversary would have been our 16th anniversary....which made our last anniversary together our 15th.  A pretty big milestone - 15 years of being happily married.  Wondering how we celebrated? 

Hmmmm.....I wish I could remember how we celebrated.  I suspect it was a day spent at work, then rushing to pick up three kids, swim practice or maybe a swim meet, and perhaps dinner at the baseball field concession stand.

I remember us talking about taking some time for us to take a weekend together but Rachel was just 10 months old and we really weren't in a position to take time to spend anytime just the two of us.

Hence, REGRET.

I have wonderful memories of Brian....we had a wonderful life together.   That I do not regret.

However, I beg all of you to please make time for your spouse.  Make time for each other....we are all busy but as I can attest - as can many of my friends - life can be SHORT.  When we take those vows, the priest never actually tells you when "death due us part" will occur.


Tomorrow will be here in just a few hours, and I will spend time reflecting on the loving, caring husband and father Brian was.  I'll remember how he never got my sense of humor....I always had to let him know I was joking....then he'd catch on to the joke.  I'll remember the way he looked at me as I walked down that aisle, how he hugged me when he saw the look on my face walking into our house each time I learned my sister and father died, and how he calmed me when I was nervous during my pregnancies.  I'll remember how we first met, how he made me feel confident in my abilities, how he was my biggest supporter.  I'll remember how he gave up his career as an attorney in Philadelphia to follow my career opportunities in Bloomington - as he shared with my brother-in-law, "because Barb sacrificed a career to support me through law school.  It's her turn now."

I plan on being on this earth a long time but I cannot wait to meet up with Brian face to face again someday.  I know he is with me and the kids each and everyday.  There are little signs here and there, so I'm certain of it.  But until then, I'll continue to reflect about the wonderful times and try not to think about "what could have been."

Happy 22nd Anniversary Brian.  I love you.

An addendum to my original post - I rarely leave the office or my desk that matter for lunch.  Today I had to run out for a few errands.  When I turned on the car, my wedding song (Just The Way You Are by Billy Joel) was playing on the radio.  Made me pause and smile.  I'll take that as a sign of Brian letting me know he was with me today.

Also, I made a $22 donation to LIVESTRONG today to honor Brian's memory and the 22 years since we had married.  If you would like to do the same, please click on the link below:
LIVESTRONG Fundraising Page