June 10th - The Day I Married the Man I Couldn't Live Without

"Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without." ~ James C. Dobson

June 10th.  

Just another day to most but it is a date that will always have meaning to me.

22 years ago, I walked down the aisle to begin a life with Brian.  A life of better or worse, til death do us part.  Brian was the man I couldn't live without.....the love of my life.



The past 7 anniversaries have been difficult but with each passing year, they become more of a day of reflection instead of a day of intense sadness.   As a matter of fact, it kind of crept up on me this year.

The first anniversary after Brian's passing, I was filled with sadness and a heavy heart once the calendar changed to June.  I dreaded the actual day however life didn't change on June 10th....the world didn't end...the sky didn't fall.  Instead, I had a nice long cry and was filled with an awful lot of regret.

Regret?  

That first anniversary would have been our 16th anniversary....which made our last anniversary together our 15th.  A pretty big milestone - 15 years of being happily married.  Wondering how we celebrated? 

Hmmmm.....I wish I could remember how we celebrated.  I suspect it was a day spent at work, then rushing to pick up three kids, swim practice or maybe a swim meet, and perhaps dinner at the baseball field concession stand.

I remember us talking about taking some time for us to take a weekend together but Rachel was just 10 months old and we really weren't in a position to take time to spend anytime just the two of us.

Hence, REGRET.

I have wonderful memories of Brian....we had a wonderful life together.   That I do not regret.

However, I beg all of you to please make time for your spouse.  Make time for each other....we are all busy but as I can attest - as can many of my friends - life can be SHORT.  When we take those vows, the priest never actually tells you when "death due us part" will occur.


Tomorrow will be here in just a few hours, and I will spend time reflecting on the loving, caring husband and father Brian was.  I'll remember how he never got my sense of humor....I always had to let him know I was joking....then he'd catch on to the joke.  I'll remember the way he looked at me as I walked down that aisle, how he hugged me when he saw the look on my face walking into our house each time I learned my sister and father died, and how he calmed me when I was nervous during my pregnancies.  I'll remember how we first met, how he made me feel confident in my abilities, how he was my biggest supporter.  I'll remember how he gave up his career as an attorney in Philadelphia to follow my career opportunities in Bloomington - as he shared with my brother-in-law, "because Barb sacrificed a career to support me through law school.  It's her turn now."

I plan on being on this earth a long time but I cannot wait to meet up with Brian face to face again someday.  I know he is with me and the kids each and everyday.  There are little signs here and there, so I'm certain of it.  But until then, I'll continue to reflect about the wonderful times and try not to think about "what could have been."

Happy 22nd Anniversary Brian.  I love you.

An addendum to my original post - I rarely leave the office or my desk that matter for lunch.  Today I had to run out for a few errands.  When I turned on the car, my wedding song (Just The Way You Are by Billy Joel) was playing on the radio.  Made me pause and smile.  I'll take that as a sign of Brian letting me know he was with me today.

Also, I made a $22 donation to LIVESTRONG today to honor Brian's memory and the 22 years since we had married.  If you would like to do the same, please click on the link below:
LIVESTRONG Fundraising Page

Thoughts Bouncing Around in My Head

I don't like to post so frequently but I need to get this one written while the emotions and feelings are still fresh.  I had two events occur this week that have lead to me writing tonight.  

• First, I attended the viewing of MY RUN.....a fantastic documentary about Terry Hitchcock and his marathon journey through life.  Terry is a single parent who ran 75 marathon length runs over a 75 day period to bring awareness to the struggles of single parents and the millions of children being raised in those households.  It obviously hit close to home - like Terry, my own father was placed in a similar situation in the late 1960's when most women were the homemakers.  And obviously, my own children are also part of that unfortunate statistic due to their father and the love of my life's passing to cancer.
• Secondly, a major light bulb went off in my head this weekend regarding a personal relationship that made me realize that companionship will always be missing from my life.  Many of you may consider me a catch - thank you - however my limited time and raising three children 365 days a year does not make for an ideal relationship.  I will slowly but surely accept this fate but it does suck....there is no other way to state that....just another crappy side affect from cancer.

These two events have had my mind racing the past two days.....and sharing my thoughts, feelings on this blog has become a very therapeutic process for me....so I apologize for using this space in lieu of an expensive session with a counselor.



Being a widow certainly has it's challenges.  I am pretty certain you all recognize that.  Being a single parent is tough - regardless of the path you took to become a single parent.  But being a widow really places your children into a situation of being raised by one parent.  Don't get me wrong, I know there are struggles financially and emotionally when a divorce is involved.  I happen to have grown up in a single parent household - 2 times.....first when my mother passed away when I was two and secondly after my father remarried then divorced.  So, I have sympathy for both camps.....and understand the complexities of both situations.

I also understand that often times in a divorce, one of the parents is VERY absent - which was the case with my dad and step-mother's divorce.  Once they divorced, I never saw her again until my sister's funeral when I was 34 years old and again at my father's funeral when I was 36 years old.

Raising kids in a single parent family is difficult.....and is something that continues to hold a "stigma" in society.  Being a single parent because of a death is even more of a "stigma."  People feel sorry for you.  People that don't know the circumstances assume you are from a failed relationship instead of a very loving one.  People think your kids father is a "deadbeat" or that you had your children without a father involved.
 
Then there is the constant decision making....no one to toss those ideas around with....every decision is your responsibility.  Talk about stressful!

And those you are making decisions for are not always happy campers.  I am sure many of you have a good cop/bad cop routine going on in your household with your children.....and you probably rotate those roles from time to time.  Not in a single parent household.  The parent is ALWAYS the bad cop.  It is a very rare occurrence I get to be the "fun" parent.

By far, the most difficult part for me is the emotional piece.  I can handle juggling a million things at a time....or asking for help to carpool, etc.....I may not do it well but I can do it.  But the emotional piece....the intense loneliness that creeps up on you, the self-doubt of every decision, the lack of someone to give you that hug you need, and the feeling of being "trapped" in a life you didn't plan....a life alone.....is overwhelming at times.

Please take time to acknowledge your spouse, to thank them for all they do each and every day, to hug and kiss one another, to say "I love you", to appreciate one another, to take time for one another, to celebrate every birthday and anniversary.  Life is short and once you get to the end, you do not want to regret missing out taking advantage of each day.


A big thank you to Terry Hitchcock for running further than I could ever go, for providing the issue of single parents and our children a voice, and to Tim VandeSteeg for seeing how important this issue is and bringing Terry's story to a national spotlight.

If  you would like to support my efforts and my marathons for LIVESTRONG and helping to keep others from being thrust into my situation, please donate using the link below:
SUPPORT BARB AS SHE RUNS COAST TO COAST FOR LIVESTRONG 

Oh, and CANCER SUCKS!