Coming Together Is a Beginning.....

....keeping together is progress; working together is success.

Henry Ford

A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.

Margaret Mead

Some cyclists.

       Several runners.

               A widow.

                      A hula hooper.

A kayaker.

       School teachers.

               Retirees.

                      East coasters, Texans, Southerners, Midwesterners.

Hockey players.

       Walkers.

              Gardeners.

                       Bird watchers.

A piano teaching bike commuter.

          A cycle shop owner.

                  Europeans.

                       Cancer survivors.

What do all these have in common?

They all motivate me each and every day.

Back in November I decided to combine my selfish need to hold myself accountable to exercising regularly again and spreading awareness of Movember - the month men grow mustaches to raise awareness of prostate cancer.

So I wrote a blog and introduced the idea of "The 30 Days of Movember - a Fitness Challenge."

My intent was purely selfish.  My running group had disbanded earlier that year and I was struggling to keep a routine fitness plan.

So I concocted this crazy idea to create a Facebook Fitness Challenge group.  30 Days of Fitness.

An idea to share my fitness goals and hold myself accountable to 10 or so friends....

And those 30 days flew by.

And the group continued to grow.  Friends inviting other friends.  And new friendships being created.

As the final days of November were being crossed off the calendar, I asked if anyone wanted to continue into December.  To my surprise, I received a very consistent message from my fellow Fitness Challenge participants - YES!

A December challenge was created  as the number of members continued to grow.

7 months later and we are still going strong!

The group discusses personal challenges, personal accomplishments and frustrations.

Others struggled just as I did to stay motivated during the cold dark winter months.  Together we set monthly goals, shared our New Year resolutions, and held each other accountable.

Together we accomplished what many of us could not accomplish alone.

Together we inspired one another.

Together we lost weight, planked, ran, hula hooped, shoveled snow, climbed stairs, drank more water, shared success stories, made each other laugh and cheered those up that became injured.

There is no pressure to post and no pressure period.

As you can see, it is a rather diverse group - many friends outside the page but many started out as strangers.  A merging of several webs of friends.  A web of support.  A web of inspiration.

It takes a village.....and although this village was started for selfish reasons, it has filled a void that was evident in my fitness world.  

All accomplished by a simple need to be held accountable and setting up a Facebook group.

No extravagant webpage design, no membership fees.  Just a bunch of strangers and friends sharing their daily workouts, frustrations, and goals with one another, while lending support to those same strangers and friends.

Every now and again someone will disappear for a few weeks - myself included.  No pressure from the members about your missing workouts.  But occasionally someone will ask where you are - not to make you feel guilty but to make sure you are okay.  A thoughtful caring group of individuals that I  look forward to hearing from all day long!

Do you have a need to be motivated, inspired, held accountable?  Consider joining our group.....or maybe creating your own!


And see firsthand what a group of individuals can accomplish together!

Individual commitment to a group effort - that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.

Vince Lombardi

The Perseverance of Runners

"We run, not because we think it is doing us good, but because we enjoy it and cannot help ourselves...The more restricted our society and work become, the more necessary it will be to find some outlet for this craving for freedom. No one can say, 'You must not run faster than this, or jump higher than that.' The human spirit is indomitable." 

-Sir Roger Bannister, first runner to run a sub-4 minute mile

"Running is not, as it so often seems, only about what you did in your last race or about how many miles you ran last week. It is, in a much more important way, about community, about appreciating all the miles run by other runners, too." 

--Richard O'Brien


The events last Monday at the Boston Marathon impacted each and everyone of us.  A sense of vulnerability was suddenly very apparent   The uncertainly, the fear, the terror all captured on video and pictures, along with the aftermath that followed the following week were unimaginable.  

This hit home for me.  No, I was not there.  And no, I am not related or know any of the injured or deceased.

But this was personal, as I suspect it was for all of us in some way.

I have a love for Boston.  Both my parents were born and raised in Boston.  I have family that lives there.  I have friends that call Boston home.

My 9 year old and I just returned from a spring break vacation to Boston last month.  I let her pick where we were going to travel.  I was prepared for Orlando or the beach.  But once again, this little girl surprised me.  Her choice was Boston.  She had never been but had been learning about the northeast in school so Boston was on her radar.

She picked out our daily itinerary  which included walking the entire Freedom Trail, having lunch at Fanueil Hall, and touring the Boston Tea Party Museum.  But two experiences came flashing back into our minds last Monday.  

One of the very first "touristy" experiences we had was viewing the city from The Prudential Building.  From that vantage point we noticed the Boston Marathon finish line, which is marked permanently on  Boylston Street in yellow paint.  The other was her decision to check out the Boston Public Library - which is just steps away from the finish area.

Although there have been many tragedies during my daughter's short lifetime, never before had she been able to place herself in the exact location, to be able to picture the surroundings, to have a frame of reference.  It saddened me that as a 9 year old, she could envision herself in the exact locations flashing up on the news surrounded with tragedy.  She was scared by the events and the familiarity of it all.

The events also impacted two other important families of mine - the running community and the LIVESTRONG community..

As a marathoner, running has saved me many a times through bouts of depression, anger and frustration.  Training for marathons has given me goals, given me stamina, given me a sense of invincibility and perseverance no other sport has ever given me.

Participating in marathons brought me to LIVESTRONG.  It was my first marathon that got me involved with Team LIVESTRONG.

Participating in running created new friendships.  Runners are incredibly supportive of one another - regardless of age, speed or accomplishments.  I have never been surrounded by such a competitive group of people that ALL wanted everyone else to succeed as well.

Through running I have built long lasting friendships with people from Oregon, Colorado, California, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Florida, Texas, etc etc etc.  Many through participation in LIVESTRONG events.

And last week, this tragedy hit my running family.   The majority were strangers, but none would be a stranger if I was running beside them.  I've never run a marathon, half marathon, 10K, 5K or just a group run where anyone was truly a stranger.  There is a camaraderie that exists among runners.  

I've struggled along some races but with the support of the strangers lining the course and the runners around me, I've always been able to dig deep and get it done.  

Running has given me the opportunity to a lover of new cities as I become a running "tourist" and has created a secondary family from events such as Hood to Coast (I dare you to spend 30 plus hours in a van with strangers sleeping in grassy fields, scouting out bathrooms and changing in/out of some rather smelly clothes and not make new friends that know you better than some of your own family).

A few of my Team LIVESTRONG Hood to Coast family were on the course last week.  They had worked relentlessly to achieve a goal of qualifying for the Boston Marathon.  One has been plagued by injuries but the other stuck with her throughout the race. 

Because that is what runners do for one another.  They help each other through tough situations.

And although so many did not finish the marathon due to the explosions, I have a pretty big hunch that none of them even cared about that.  Unlike other marathons that were black flagged due to weather, lacked enough hydration on the course, or just were poorly planned for a number of reasons, I have yet to hear of a single marathoner complaining about how this impacted them.  Not a sign of selfishness.

I think they all did what all runners do.  They thought beyond themselves.  They took care of each other.  They immediately thought about those in need - we have all heard of those leaving the course and donating blood (after running 24 - 26 miles!), providing support to the EMTs, comforting one another, sharing cell phones to let loved ones know they were OK.

You know what?  Runners were already rather supportive of one another.  Guess what....this tragic event has created an even stronger bond among runners.  The Elites to the sub 4 hour runners, the wheel chair participants to the charity runners.  The moms, dads, grandfathers, grandmothers, brothers, sisters, sons and daughters.  None with multimillion sports contracts.  All running 26.2 miles willingly (yes, we are a crazy sort of bunch to begin with).  

And you know what else?  I suspect we will see a rise in the number of runners out on the trails and streets this next year.  And an increase in the numbers running marathons. And an increase of runners trying to qualify for the Boston Marathon - pushing themselves beyond limits they knew they had inside themselves. 

And even more importantly, an increase in the number of spectators lining the courses, because in addition to all the news being covered by the networks, this past week has also drawn attention to the amazing athletes that are just like you and I; that live in every town, city and village across our country.  And each are supported by family and friends.  

Yes, I'm incredibly sad by this event.

Yes, I am angry that my different families were impacted.

And yes, I'm going to keep running marathons!

Who wants to join me???

Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

Albert Camus

It has been a rough couple of years for me.  I guess you could say rough decade considering I have lost my sister whom was more like a friend to me than a sibling, my father, my brother-in-law - the husband of my sister that passed earlier....and may as well have been a brother since they started dating when I was 6, and my spouse.  

At first, none of these deaths seemed to affect me.  At first, I just kept moving forward.  

About a year after Janet's passing, I remember breaking down into tears standing in the middle of our kitchen.  I don't recall what triggered the breakdown - most likely nothing.  But suddenly I was crying.  I didn't feel it coming on....the tears just started....and wouldn't stop.

I remember Brian coming around the corner from the living room and without saying a word, enveloped me in his arms, hugging me for what seemed like an eternity as I sobbed....and sobbed....and sobbed. 

I remember the feeling of being safe, the feeling that it was okay to be sad, it was okay to let my feelings take over, the feeling of comfort, and the intense love we had for one another.  That loving support....he had absolutely no idea why I was crying - or at least what had caused the river to begin - but deep down he knew.  

He knew I was filled with sadness.  He knew I missed Janet terribly.  He knew I was out of sorts.  He knew I was in a state of depression.  He knew Ii was just walking through the motions of each day.  He knew I was grieving. 

Once the crying subsided and I took a deep breath, he shared all this with me....the recognition of my emotional state that I had been ignoreing.  He told me he knew I was depressed.  He knew I had an overwhelming sadness taking over my soul from the death of Janet.  He knew I was in dispair. 

And he accepted it.  

He knew I could do better each day....I could be more engaged....I could be more involved. 

But he accepted that I wasn't. 

He understood.  

He had amble opportunity to be angry with my withdrawn behavior that year.  He had numerous opportunities to turn away and move forward without me.  He could have walked away.  He could have ignored me,   

But he never did.  

His acknowledgement of my sadness and patience in waiiting for me to recognize it was a true testament to the love Brian had for me.  He was concerned, yet he wanted me to find my own way, and stood by me allowing me to get to that point when the flood gates would open....naturally....on my own terms. 

He didn't give up on me.  He allowed me to find my way.  He provided the support I needed - when I didn't realize I needed it nor acknowledged it.  He held me up when I faltered.

But most importantly, he walked beside me....he waited....he loved me.  

Over the next year, there was need for him to fill that role again....after a miscarriage and then the passing of my father.  Once again I demonstrated that strength so many see in me, yet inside,unknown to myself, I was a wreck.  And Brian knew it.  And Brian supported me. And Brian waited.  And Brian caught me when I fell.  

He understood that everything comes in good time....good and bad.

Unfortunately, he wasn't there for me when I needed him the most.....after his own passing.  And just like my past experiences, I needed to be strong.  For our children.  For his family.  For those coming to his visitation.  For those around me.  For most do not know how to react to a grieving widow.  And showing strength made it easier for everyone.

Those of you that have been following along the past year or so know it hasn't been an easy few years.  Although it has been 8 years since Brian passed, the grieving doesn't just go away.  It doesn't go away with one good cry.  

It takes time.  It sits inside you.  It pops up here and there.  It really never goes away.

Brian understood that.  

Thankfully I have friends that understand that too.  But for everyone else out there, please recognize that we all grieve differently.  And it doesn't ever go away.  It sits there....and sometimes the tears just appear for no reason.

Why do I mention this today?  Well, for no reason today, as I was walking to my car after work, it hit me.  As it has before.....and will again.  For no reason whatsoever.  

And I missed having Brian there to "walk around the corner to comfort me."

A hug from Rachel did just that after seeing her smile across the room from me today at her first cello lesson.  Somehow, she knew her mom needed a hug and a smile,

So what do I ask you to take from this?  Stand beside your friends....just wait....offer support....and wait.  You may think they should be ready to move forward.....to cry....to get angry....to laugh.  But really, they probably don't know they need that themselves.  And telling them what they need won't work.  

A soul in distress needs nurturing....and support along the way.....and a wordless hug when the flood gates break.

Thanks to all of you that have understood that over the years....you know who you are....I love you and appreciate you!

Rekindling My Inner Spirit on RAGBRAI with Team LIVESTRONG

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." ~ Albert Schweitzer

I have received numerous odd looks this week when co-workers asked me how I spent my vacation.  I suspect when they saw my tan and relaxed disposition, they assumed I had spent a week lounging on a beach (which wouldn't be a stretch).  They appeared a bit shocked - as they should be - when my response was that I spent the week cycling across Iowa in 100 degree temperatures and sleeping in a tent.  Shocked that I didn't step foot in a single air-conditioned resort hotel with a swimming pool.  Shocked that there were no spa visits, gourmet dinners, relaxing afternoons poolside or sleeping in until I naturally woke up.

A common question to my explanation that I spent the week riding my bike was "WHY??"

Well, why not?

Why not spend a week camping with 75 strangers - actually 10,000 total?   

Why not spend a week surrounded by 75 caring supportive individuals?

Why not spend a week with 75 other cyclists that "get it"....that understand that cancer has taken a toll on all our lives in some way or shape.

Once again, participation in a Team LIVESTRONG event has rekindled that fire inside me.  

I was constantly taken aback by the generosity of my teammates and the hospitality of the Iowa communities that welcomed 10,000 plus cyclists into their towns, creating havoc on their traffic and the simple trip to the grocery store.

I left my home on July 20th just one person....just one member of the Team LIVESTRONG RAGBRAI group....just one cancer hater....just one runner that was attempting to take on the most challenging event of her life.

I returned home on July 28th a part of something bigger.  I returned home as part of a community.....still  one person but one with 75 new friends.....75 new supporters and cheerleaders....75 individuals that together were willing to turn this runner into a cyclist.....that took the time to slow down as they rode by me to make sure I was okay....75 others that made me feel as though I was not alone in the aftermath cancer has created in my life.  

Among those that I had the pleasure of experiencing their inner spirit.... 

• The teammate that only knew me from our team Facebook page yet opened her home to me - a complete stranger - so I could appreciate one last night of comfort in air-conditioning and a bed.  I had no idea at the time how valuable that would be.  This wonderful teammate became my guiding light all week and took this RAGBRAI virgin (yes, it is tradition to call first-timers virgins and "mark" us with the word spelled out on our calves) under her wing, teaching me the important RAGBRAI ropes of camp life and enjoying the ride.

• The entire LIVESTRONG staff that made sure to welcome me with support and enthusiasm regardless of the time of day - before I had my coffee at 5 am or when I was the last to roll into camp at 6 pm....this also was the case when they would come along me on the route during the day.  The minute we all arrived in Sioux Center, the feeling of being at a family reunion was evident.

• The gentleman that recently celebrated his 75th birthday and pulled me aside after I completed my ride on day 3 asking to ride with me the next day.  At this point I was contemplating not riding anymore.  I hadn't verbalized that to anyone yet I suspect this wonderful caring man recognized this in my demeanor.  He never left my side the next day - through the sun, 110 degree temperatures and strong headwinds.  This 75 year old man made me ride behind him and blocked all the wind for me.  He made sure my water bottles had ice in them.  He made sure I ate along the way.  He kept me entertained with his fantastic stories.  He bought me my first soda in 6 years - a very delicious Mugs Root Beer and made me realize that soda is like an energy drink....only better!  Without Gene, I certainly would never have gotten over this RAGBRAI Hump Day and was able to continue the rest of the week with relative ease - at least mentally!

• On that same day, we were joined by another teammate at a little past the halfway point when the day began to heat up....and the wind just continued blowing.  This gentleman is a true cyclist and trains on the hills in Tennessee and Kentucky.  A bit different than the terrain of flat middle of nowhere corn-country that I ride in.  He could have just chatted with us for a moment and been on his way.....been back to the camp and enjoyed a shower, a few beers and the company of our team.  But no.....although I suggested numerous times that he go ahead, he would not.  He stayed with me the remainder of the day and helped me improve my cycling.  These two men were willing to stop whenever I needed to - in case you didn't know, I HATE running, cycling etc in the heat.  Give me a 40 - 50 degree day and I am in heaven!  As we went up hills, Don could have hammered right up them but he stayed at my side and actually offered to push me up.  Much to his dismay, I did get off and walk up one....but I was going so slow I suspected I was going to fall over.  

• The Lenox Bike Club.....a group of complete strangers that without any questions - other than whether I was a Hawkeye or Cyclone fan (I got lucky and said whichever team has LIVESTRONG colors) - provided me a ride back to camp with their team when I ran out of steam.  If they had not, I would have sat waiting for the SAG bus for hours upon hours.  As a matter of fact, I came across this bus two other days and they remembered me - even asked if I needed a ride again.  

• The lovely lady in the second town we stopped in that approached me and my friend as we sat in her shaded yard.  We were just 2 of 10,000 that rode by her house that morning yet she approached us with an offer to use her bathroom.  Just opened her home to two complete strangers.  Then proceeded to fill our water bottles with ice and water.  

• The amazing families across Iowa that turned on their sprinklers and hoses to cool us all of as the temperatures rose.

• The various teammates that took the time to set-up my tent for me while I was still out pedaling across Iowa because I was so much slower than everyone else.  What a fabulous treat!

• Numerous teammates that gave me hugs, high-fives and encouragement although I was the last one back each day.  They had more faith in my abilities to succeed that I had in myself.

• The complete stranger  from Wisconsin that rode up alongside me around mile 20 and took a thoughtful moment to ask who Brian was (I had a "In Memory of Brian" card on my bike).  We had a wonderful time chatting and before I knew it, I had ridden 90 miles - 70 with this stranger that I know consider a friend.

• Our team mechanic.  He humored me and my complete lack of bike knowledge - always willing to make the tiny adjustments to my bike that I should have been able to handle on my own.

The list goes on and on and on.  Numerous teammates pulled me up hills during headwinds, gave me cycling tips along the way, entertained me with funny stories.  Little did they know I was on the verge of tears at times - that I just wanted to quit.  

THIS is why I spent my summer vacation riding my bike across Iowa.  Otherwise I never would have met these incredible human beings.....my life would be that more empty for not having crossed paths with these people - some for only a moment or two. 

It reminded me that in a world that we are surrounded by reality t.v., terrible  senseless shootings and bullying, in reality, people are good.  People are generous.  People are thoughtful and loving.  You just need to open yourself up and find them!

There is no question in my mind that I will participate in RAGBRAI again with Team LIVESTRONG.....just to rekindle my spirit through all these amazing souls!

"Forget Regret, or Life is Yours to Miss" ~ Jonathan Larson

Regret.

It is an awful emotion.

I have had lots of obstacles thrown in my path during my lifetime. Obstacles that I had no control over.

Deaths of loved ones - parents, sister, brother-in-law, and my own spouse.  Enduring the fallout of a divorce between my father and step-mother - a woman that treated me as her own child and is the only memory I have of a mother. All obstacles outside my control.

I have no regrets about any of these events.  Sadness from these events however will be with me forever.  But not regret.  With the exception of my mother, due to my age when she passed, I have no regrets about these relationships. I will always miss them.

I still find myself wishing I could pick up the phone to call them.  I still have my brother-in-law's phone number in my contacts. I talked to him a lot after Brian's passing as he and I could relate to how we were both feeling having lost a spouse.  It took me years to not pick-up the phone on a Sunday evening to call my father.

Regret does fill my life though.

Regret for not taking chances;
regret for taking some chances;
regret for sharing too much of myself with others that didn't deserve so much of me;
regret for being too guarded;
regret for not sharing feelings and finding I was too late;
regret for misreading situations;
regret for sharing my feelings other times while misreading situations;
regret for making assumptions.

Regret for standing still for too long and becoming stuck.

Regret for playing it safe and creating a life which brings me little joy on a daily basis.

Regret for letting life slip by.

I am in a bit of a melancholy state at the moment as I sit on a flight returning home from a weekend in Austin, TX.  A weekend surrounded by friends and LIVESTRONG love.  I am excited to see my children but I am not happy about returning to the life I have created for myself.  A life filled with regrets.

I was reminded of these regrets as I sat in the airport and looked around me.  People excited about their adventures, people with loved ones.  Yes, maybe that's how they view me too but doubtful as I spent most of the time fighting back tears. Tears driven from regret.  I realized I have given up on being incredibly happy in my life...although I can be spontaneous, generous and fun-loving, I am not 75% of the time.  25% is not good enough for me....and it should not be for any of us.

The excitement of going to Austin was replaced by an underlying sadness and regret a few weeks ago.

I realized some feelings I had that I should have shared some time ago and made assumptions which I kept to myself.  I finally shared these...and mind you, I didn't share them well. Although I shared them directly with the person involved, I masked them in anger. I recognize that in sharing these too late, and making assumptions I should have asked about, that I have more than likely lost that friendship forever....all because I never confronted emotions....because I played it safe....because I allowed hurt from others to cause me to make assumptions of this person.  A friendship that was incredibly important to me.  A friend that I had a deep connection with.  A friend that can never be replaced.

Regretful.  Sadness for my missed opportunity. Sadness for the emptiness created by the void not having this person as any part of my life.  Regretful.

I am filled with a heavy heart....and the resolution that I will not allow my life to be on hold.

And I refuse to create any more regret.

I am not sure what that will look like, where I will end up, but I can guarantee you, I will be a new and improved me.

Don't Put This Babs in a Corner

I survived Valentines Day....also known as Single Awareness Day.

I survived seeing those around me at work get calls to pick up vases of beautiful flowers. I survived relentless love songs on the radio.

Off point here, but can you really love someone like a love song? Exactly what does that mean? I'm curious because it appears to be the only song on a 20 minute rotation.....and as my daughter grows up, I'd like to be able to explain how she is feeling about that cute boy in her class is the same as a love song.

I survived the numerous questions about my Valentine evening plans. I thankfully had some in place and understand it is just a question, but please people....have some empathy and compassion for single people.

I was the recipient of lots of notes from friends that took time to recognize and did not take it for granted that someone was going to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. A day that unfortunately singles a lot of people out. I am so glad I have surrounded myself with such amazing friends. Many of those I met along the way through LIVESTRONG. The day was made even brighter when I received an email from my LIVESTRONG contact along with a video thanking me for my involvement as a volunteer.

Just simply knowing others were thinking of me made my day fantastic.

I was asked a very interesting question by my daughter a few days ago, and thankfully it didn't involve an explanation for how you love someone like a love song. She was addressing her Valentine cards for her third grade classmates when she asked why her teacher said they had to give cards to every classmate or not participate. "Why wouldn't I want to give one to everyone in my class?"

Amazing. I love the insight of children. She would never dream of excluding anyone....they are her friends and she wants them to all know she cares for them.

That's how I felt today. My friends did not want to exclude me either and as they reached out to their loved ones, they took time to shine down on me as well.

Society on the other hand needs a reminder from the grade school teachers....remember everyone. Create Valentine activities that celebrate the love of friendship, of love lost due to unfortunate circumstances, of those that choose to be single.

The wheels are spinning in my head and I vow to attack this void next year....not sure what it will be....but there will be something for people like me.

And those plans I had tonight? I tagged along as a third wheel with some folks I really didn't know all that well. It was a running group that has included me on their mailing list, yet have never joined them for a run. Some were getting together to go see a comedy show in town. 5 couples (only one I knew from other social circles) and myself. I decided I wasn't going to sit at home alone....not going to keep sitting here waiting for someone to realize how fabulous I am. Nope!! I am going to go to dinners by myself, join groups whether or not I am asked, buy one ticket to concerts, and a large popcorn for myself at the movies.

Will it be fun? I suspect it will not, but sometimes it will. As a matter of fact, tonight was fun....but it was also a little painful....sad and lonely. But I promise you all, that I'm taking on this personal challenge and I will not let cancer "put baby in the corner."

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." -Dr. Seuss

December 31st....the last day of 2011.

It has been a long year - a year filled with highs and lows.  Something I suspect we all have.

That quote in the title summarizes a lot of what I have been feeling this year.  Sadness for a lot of wonderful experiences that ended - adventures with friends, a relationship, training for races, watching my children move on in life, friends moving to new cities, milestones coming and going ....but all in all, a ton of  wonderful memories to embrace!

We all have accomplishments - some of those may just have been making it through a particular day and others may have been completing a challenge we never thought we were capable of.   Some accomplishments were filled with sadness and regret....others with joy and triumph.

Regardless, we survived each high and each low.

As I reflect back upon the roller coaster ride I endured this year,  each one of those ups, downs, twists and turns were not accomplished alone.  I was surrounded by love and support from old and new friends - many made through my involvement with LIVESTRONG, others through random meetings (again, I truly believe things in life happen for a reason), and many others virtual strangers.

I appreciate each and everyone of you - my blog readers, my #plankaday partners, my running friends, my LIVESTRONG friends, my partners in crime (you know who you are), those that have known me since grade school (and unfortunately have the pictures to prove it), those I work with, and those that only know me from social media.  Without each of you, I would not have survived the lowest lows in life or have the successes I was blessed with this year.

I welcome 2012 with open arms....and although I will continue running for LIVESTRONG, I am considering 2012 as the Year of the Bike.  Yes, a new challenge....and one that scares the daylights out of me.  But, my focus will be in cycling....with a few half marathons thrown in for cross-training.  More to come! 

 

As I scoured my list of favorite quotes, I couldn't find just one that summarized how I am feeling as a new page begins at midnight.  So, I am sharing several....as my parting comments for 2012.

And one last comment from Barb for 2012 ~

....instead of celebrating tonight at midnight, consider celebrating each and every midnight....reflect upon the successes/fails of each day, have gratitude and create a goal/resolution for the new day to come!  CELEBRATE LIFE!!

“Begin at once to live and count each separate day as a separate life.” -Seneca

"The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment." -Pema Chodron

"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." -Charles Swindoll

"If we look at the world with a love of life, the world will reveal its beauty to us." -Daisaku Ikeda

"Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out." ~John Wooden

"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant." -Robert Louis Stevenson

“To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Your outlook on life is a direct reflection on how much you like yourself." -Lululemon

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” -Pericles

It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To

I had the opportunity to attend some amazing and uplifting events the past month - cheering on the Chicago Marathon Team LIVESTRONG runners, attending the Ride for the Roses event at the Austin LIVESTRONG Challenge, and just last weekend, running the NYC Marathon for Team LIVESTRONG.  

Surrounded by my LIVESTRONG family....weekends filled with inspiration, joy, some cycling, running, dancing, laughing hysterically and just plain ole' fun.

All the anticipation of these events and the actual excitement of the events came with a cost this year.  In years past, I've entered these events in a tail-spin and being around the LIVESTRONG community lifted me up.  Unfortunately, this year, it has been quite the opposite.  I mentioned this in my previous blog as feeling as though I was watching from the sidelines....but now I don't even feel like I'm on the sidelines.

I think those LIVESTRONG filled weekends caused me to feel quite empty and alone once I returned back to reality and without the constant influence of the most inspiring people I know.

For the past 3 weeks, I have been dealing with some rather dark moments.  Moments that make me just want to lie in bed and pull the covers over my head.  Moments that make me dread the sun rising and the sun setting each day.  Please know that I love life, I love my kids, I love my friends and I am not in such a state that I do not recognize that I have a blessed life...but suddenly I am feeling very trapped....mostly dreading being alone for the rest of my life.
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I know, I know....I've heard it a million times...."the right one is out there," "you need to stop thinking about being alone and live," "you deserve better" etc.  Hmmmm......interestingly enough, all this advice is always provided by those that are not alone, all in happy loving relationships or are single by their own choice.
 
Well, my answer to those statements -

• "I had the right one....he was taken away from me by cancer."
• "It is hard to ignore being alone when loneliness surrounds you 24 hours a day, 365 days a year for 7 years....with no light at the end of the tunnel."  
• "Who determines I deserve better?  What exactly is better?"

Don't get me wrong - I love my friends and I love that they want to make me feel better.  I truly appreciate all of you being so positive and trying to cheer me up.  But sometimes, being sad is necessary to be happy again.  I am just getting sick and tired of the sadness, sick and tired of not having someone out there that is wondering about me.  I just want to be part of someone's life....and to be part of someone elses life.  I know that doesn't make a person....but let's all admit....it certainly feels good to be important to someone.


So, although I know I am quite fabulous and a lot of people are missing out, it doesn't change reality.  Right now I am sad....I am lonely....I am dreading the winter gloom....and the holidays.  Yes, I am not being the upbeat full-of-life person you all seem to think I am.   Reality check - I am that person but lately there isn't any reason to be that person.

I know what you are thinking....Barb's having a pity party.  

So what!  "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!  You would cry too if it happened to you."

I will get through this as I have all the obstacles in my life.

Don't worry but please keep in mind that although it has been 7 years since Brian passed, and I keep myself busy with races, skydiving, trips etc., these activities to not replace being alone.

I like to think that we all have periods of sadness in our lives otherwise we would never appreciate the periods of happiness, right?

OK, I promise my next posts will be more uplifting....updates about these amazing weekends are in the works.....keep a lookout for them!

Thanks again for all your support this year -I would certainly be adrift by know if it weren't for all the lifesavers surrounding me day in and day out - all of YOU!

A Day of Dispair that Didn't Turn into Days of Dispair

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." 

Yesterday was a rough day.

I have no idea why.

The day started well.

And nothing went wrong.

 

No bad encounters with other human beings.

 

No issues with kids.

 

No problems with my car.

 

No complaints or issues at work.

 

But.......

 

as time ticked on throughout the day,

 

a cloud of doom started forming in my mind.

 

Sadness started to sneak in.

 

Boredom and unhappiness with my life drifted in.

 

Feelings of my life wasting away seeped in.

 

Dispair of loneliness crept in.

 

Slowly....very slowly....so slowly I didn't realize it until I was home from work.

 

I escaped from the kids for a few moments....in the nick of time....and burst into uncontrollable tears.

 

But then I reached out.

I sent a note to a friend and posted a tweet.

Within moments I had notes back from my LIVESTRONG family friends.

Lifting my spirits.

Inspiring me.

Rekindling my inner spirit.

Reminding me to LIVESTRONG.

And off to the gym I dragged myself.

And I kicked that sadness' butt.....but only after after my "inner spirit rekindled" by friends....some I've never met before but we have a common bond with LIVESTRONG.

I chalk yesterday up to another day that cancer tried beating me down.....those feelings would never have existed if Brian, Mom, Dad and my sister were still here with me.

GO TO HELL CANCER!  

I have a lot of cancer hating ass kicker friends that LIVESTRONG......

And we will NOT let you impact our lives ANYMORE!

The Pebbles in Our Lives

"Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain." ~Author Unknown

 

I came across this quote earlier this week and it really struck a chord with me.  

Each and everyone of us have our "pebbles"....some are more significant than others, but we all have them.

It is how we approach these "pebbles" that defines who we are, how we live our lives, how others look at us - for guidance, for inspiration, etc.

I am often told that I inspire others....this always amazes me as I have my share of "pebbles" each day, and I don't always approach them in a positive manner.  There are times I let those "pebbles" stick to the bottom of my foot and irritate me all day.  

I am often told that I am strong....again, this amazes me as I don't view myself as strong.  What everyone does not see are the emotional breakdowns I have, the discouragement I often feel, the negativity that sneaks in and takes over.

Those feelings of discouragement come and go, just as the periods of intense strength come and go.  Thankfully for the wonderful friends and support I have, the periods of discouragement are fleeting.

I don't consider myself any stronger than anyone else.  I have just been dealt some difficult situations but I truly believe we are all capable of surviving with the same ups and downs that I have.  

I also believe that we ALL have something going on in our lives that can knock us down at any moment. 

I compare it to that pebble that gets stuck in your shoe that becomes an irritation....and will continue to be an irritation unless you take time to stop, untie your shoe and shake it out.  If I don't stop to shake it out, the walk or run will be unsuccessful. 

The same goes with the "pebbles" in our lives.  Some are easy to ignore and persevere through.....others you need to stop, take a deep breath and "shake it out."  For me, shaking it out is sometimes writing my blog, reaching out to others, going  for a run.  But, the point is, I need to recognize those moments and make the effort to address it.

Surrounding yourself with positive supportive empathetic friends is important....and to recognize that those same friends have "pebbles" they need to shake out - regardless of how big or small.  The pebble is an irritation that is keeping them from crossing the mountain.

And keep in mind as you make judgments about others, you have NO idea what may be going on in their lives that is creating a change in an emotional or physical state.  Take a moment to reach out and ask how life is going, help identify the "pebble" and get them back on track to climb that mountain.

I know that I'd be a horrendous emotional wreck if others didn't question my down periods. 

It is tough being viewed as strong all the time.....and I am grateful for those that recognize that strength isn't always in play.

Thanks for continuing to support my blog and my occasional "venting".  Each time I put the words on the page, it is often clearing a pebble - or a rock - out of my path to success.

Solitude Is Pleasant....Loneliness is Not

Loneliness is proof that your innate search for connection is intact. ~ Martha Beck

I love this quote.....it was the only one that gave loneliness a positive spin.


Of course, any post that starts out with a quote about loneliness doesn't sound like it will be exciting, funny and inspiring.

I will admit that you are correct.  Nope, no laughs in this one.....nothing inspiring like running a marathon or jumping into thin air 11,000 feet from earth.

Just a very personal, sole bearing post....about loneliness.  A glimpse into the feelings of a widow, me...and a lot of other widows/widowers I suspect.  This isn't a pity party - although it may sound like one - but it isn't.  It is reality.

There are a lot of pitfalls to being a widow....most of which I have accepted and overcame.  The one I cannot shake is the sheer loneliness.

Yes, I am surrounded by my three children, great friends, co-workers....I lead a pretty active life....I have a nice house.....I have a great job.  So what could possible be wrong?

Well, I am alone.  My kids are kids....and I am their parent not their friend or companion.  My co-workers are people I work with - and I probably spend the majority of my time with - but we are there to work.....it isn't social time....and I manage many of them, so the level of friendship is a bit different.  My friends are amazing....but they have their own lives, their own kids, their own spouses.....or they live far away.  And this doesn't sit easily with someone as social as myself.

"I had become, with the approach of night, once more aware of loneliness and time - those two companions without whom no journey can yield us anything." ~ Lawrence Durrell

It is that companionship of another adult I miss most.  Granted, being married doesn't mean you spend every moment of every day with your spouse...life gets in the way.  I understand that....I was married....so I recognize at times, there can be a sense of loneliness in a marriage.


The difference is.....the loneliness of a widow never goes away.  It hangs on - sometimes hiding for an hour, a day, a month.....but it is always there.

It has always been there....lurking in the background....but in the span of a month, two very close friends moved for fantastic opportunities (very happy for both of them) and a relationship I now realize I was much too invested in by trusting someone I loved to be a part of my life suddenly disappeared into thin air.  Suddenly my loneliness jumped out from it's hiding spot and became even more magnified.

These changes in my life made being along so much more apparent to me.  I suppose I had been too busy dealing with Brian's death and the kids to really ever notice it.

I used to be able to do things on my own.....but now I dread it.  I routinely went to Chicago for the weekend by myself, but I am heading there this weekend and although I'm looking forward to the activities that are bringing me there, I am dreading all the time I will have alone.

To put this in perspective,  think about the last time you were REALLY and truly alone....not for a few days....but for weeks that turn into months that turn into a year.....that suddenly turns into years.....and you realize time has slipped away.....and all you have to look forward to is more days, weeks, months and years alone.  It is an awful feeling and one I think most widows feel.....and keep to themselves.

We widows put on a good front....we have to be strong....many of us have children and jobs which require a level of strength just to get up and moving each day.  Over time, that becomes more routine....and we really don't have a choice but to keep moving - for our kids, for our employment so we can care for our kids.  But, deep down.....deep deep down.....there are a lot of emotions that we are afraid to expose.....for fear of being viewed as weak....for fear of upsetting our children.....for fear of impacting our livelihood, our source of income.  I often times feel trapped in my life and angry that others are happy....every moment of every day is a personal struggle at times.

I love my friendships, I love my children but I miss the companionship of being in a loving relationship.....of having someone wonder about you.....someone that checks in on you.....someone that just wants to hear your voice.....someone to be in the same space as you.....to fill that void and provide you with a feeling of safety.   Of not being alone.

Damn you cancer!  Damn you for ruining my dreams of growing old with the man I love.  Damn you for bringing hopelessness into my vocabulary.

To be clear, this is NOT a pity party.....it is the reality of my situation.  And some days I'm better at being strong and kicking my life into gear.

And some days I am not.

Something we all want and crave.....but I am also not willing to settle.....I would rather be lonely alone than lonely with someone.

The sky is one whole, the water another; and between those two infinities the soul of man is in loneliness. ~ Henryk Sienkiewicz 

Another 13.1 Bites the Dust....Team LIVESTRONG Pittsbugh Half Marathon

Two weeks ago my 16 year old son and I pulled out of our drive way in the dark and headed eastbound for Pittsburgh.

Our mission for this road trip:  To run another 13.1 miles as a member of Team LIVESTRONG and continue running for those that cannot because cancer has stolen them from us; to provide hope for those fighting each and every day to beat cancer; and most importantly, to support LIVESTRONG.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Another 13.1 miles down....for a total of 78.6 raced to raise over $6,000 for LIVESTRONG.  And another 121.4 to go before the end of the year with a goal of raising a minimum of $10,000.

Jay and I had never taken a road trip with just the two of us since he was in Kindergarten.....and that trip involved Paris and London.  Pittsburgh isn't nearly as glamorous but this time he was a teenager with a license....so his first road trip as a driver.


I had a great time chatting with him in the car, listening to him analyze the upcoming Bulls/Heat series and why Microsoft purchased Skype (what 16 year old knows this stuff??).  When did my little boy that was just interested in Legos and Star Wars become a young man?

Once we arrived in Pittsburgh - which is a BEAUTIFUL city....take time to visit it if you have the opportunity - I headed off the the convention center for the Expo.   Of course, in true Barb fashion, the clouds opened up as soon as we checked into our hotel....a torrential downpour that reminded me of the monsoon in LA.

After tracking down an umbrella and avoiding as many puddles as I could, I arrived at the Expo.  A very well organized event....and the coolest part?  All participants received "green" swag bags.  An e-mail arrived a few days prior to the event with links to all the coupons, etc that are normally in the bags.  Runners only received a few items at the Expo...bibs and shirts - great long sleeve tech shirts individualized for the 5K, Relay, Half or Full.  Off for a quick trip through the aisle of venders.  I've attended a lot of race expos and to be honest, for the most part, once you've been to one, you've been to them all.  But, there were some new venders at this event so it was a welcome surprise.

Next up....the LIVESTRONG booth.

I was greeted by three amazing LIVESTRONG employees.  I was asked prior to the weekend if I would relieve them for a few hours so they could attend an event for the charity groups.  What an honor!  I received my instructions and for the next two hours met fellow participants picking up their gear as well as loads of folks just passing by.  It was such an amazing experience to engage in conversation with individuals that were interested in LIVESTRONG, hear their experiences and answer questions about this outstanding organization.

Just as I was about to close up shop, I was greeted by my fellow LIVESTRONG teammate, Katie, and her husband, Scott.  Katie and Scott have been involved with LIVESTRONG for years and are captains of the team I participate on for the LIVESTRONG Challenge - Friends Fighting Cancer.  Check out their site to learn more about this group.

1000's of names on a wall but we were right by each other

A little history.....

Katie and Scott are bikers.  I was introduced to them by a mutual friend - that friend of mine here in town that encouraged me to read Lance Armstrong's book "It's Not About the Bike" and to get involved with the LIVESTRONG Challenges.  I showed up that first year in Austin not knowing anyone.  The Friends Fighting Cancer team welcomed me as one of their own.  And not being a biker, Katie helped me through that first 45 mile bike ride.

Fast forward to this past August.  There was a LIVESTRONG Challenge in Philadelphia and it landed on the anniversary of Brian's passing.  My 12 year old, 7 year old and I loaded up the van and headed to Philly.  Scott and Katie, and the FFC team, welcomed us with open arms....it was like we were with long lost friends.

Another trip to Austin this past year for another Challenge.....and this time Katie never left my side as we rode the 45 miles again - in hill country no less and 2 weeks after I had run the Chicago Marathon.  Not even when I collided with another biker (in front of Team RadioShack).  She hung with me while I signed away my life in order to obtain a band aid.   It was during this bike ride Katie mentioned that she wanted to start running again.

So.....when I signed up to run with Team LIVESTRONG for the Pittsburgh Half, Katie signed up as well.....and Scott signed up to volunteer at the event.

Fast forward back to Pittsburgh....

It was great to see my fellow cancer kickin' pals....and Katie is a true cancer kicker having survived cancer (check out her story here).   Katie had encountered an unfortunate injury which derailed her training a bit but was still determined to attempt the distance, even if she had to walk.  Once again demonstrating the LIVESTRONG attitude that allowed her to beat cancer.

Katie & I meeting Jeff Galloway

Another highlight of the weekend was walking through the Expo with Katie, turning a corner, and walking into Jeff Galloway.  For those of you wondering "who is Jeff Galloway?" he is a running guru that has created a training program which involves integrating periods of walking into your running.   I have never followed the program but do know others that have with great success, and this was the program Katie was following in her training.  A very approachable man and he provided  encouragement to both of us.

Katie, Scott & I carbing up

The sun eventually came out and we enjoyed spending time in Pittsburgh, including a great pre-race carbo loading meal outdoors.  The four of us met up for great conversation and food.  It was a very proud parent moment to see my oldest conversing with ease....and educating the three adults on a few topics.

Back to the hotel for a good night rest and prepare for race morning.  This involves quite a bit of watching weather forecasts....and second guessing myself several times on the most appropriate weather related outfit.  Oh, and most importantly, prepping my race shirt with my bib and the names of those I was running in honor and memory of.  Unfortunately, the list is getting much too long to wear with each event, but a full list can be found on the Tribute Wall within this blog.

 

Staying dry at the start

As is typical on race day for me, we were welcomed with clouds and scattered showers.  We pulled on throwaway ponchos and headed for our corral.  I was placed in a faster corral due to my previous race times, however, I had decided some time ago that I was sticking with Katie throughout the entire race.  She tried to get me to run my own race, but this particular race meant more to me than running yet another 13.1 at the same time I had the previous 16.

No, this was about accomplishing something with a friend that never left my side when I was doing something new - biking.  Katie NEVER considered peeling off from me.  She made sure I was doing ok throughout the ride, kept me company and gave me advise along the way.  I had no idea what all those gears were for....she educated me along the way.

It was payback time.
 

We chatted about a million different topics, did the run/walk Galloway method, high-fived kids, danced along with the bands on the course, made each other laugh, and 13.1 miles later.....we FINISHED!

Katie's first half marathon....showing cancer who is boss.....as she continues to LIVESTRONG!  One of my proudest finishes EVER!

Next up for me?  The North Shore Half Marathon in the Chicago suburb, Highland Park.....home of Ferris Bueller.  I doubt we will be running through backyards and hurtling hedges like Ferris did....but how appropriate to be RunningStrong for Hope to benefit LIVESTRONG in the town this movie was filmed.  A film that definitely is about living life to it's fullest.

I'm slowly but surely approaching my $7,000 goal for June......please consider donating any little bit you can....maybe forgo dinner or a movie?
Click here to donate to Barb's fundraising efforts for LIVESTRONG

One of my favorite signs in Pittsburgh......and I think many of my friends would agree this probably applies to me as I race 13.1 miles each month.