Don't Put This Babs in a Corner

I survived Valentines Day....also known as Single Awareness Day.

I survived seeing those around me at work get calls to pick up vases of beautiful flowers. I survived relentless love songs on the radio.

Off point here, but can you really love someone like a love song? Exactly what does that mean? I'm curious because it appears to be the only song on a 20 minute rotation.....and as my daughter grows up, I'd like to be able to explain how she is feeling about that cute boy in her class is the same as a love song.

I survived the numerous questions about my Valentine evening plans. I thankfully had some in place and understand it is just a question, but please people....have some empathy and compassion for single people.

I was the recipient of lots of notes from friends that took time to recognize and did not take it for granted that someone was going to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. A day that unfortunately singles a lot of people out. I am so glad I have surrounded myself with such amazing friends. Many of those I met along the way through LIVESTRONG. The day was made even brighter when I received an email from my LIVESTRONG contact along with a video thanking me for my involvement as a volunteer.

Just simply knowing others were thinking of me made my day fantastic.

I was asked a very interesting question by my daughter a few days ago, and thankfully it didn't involve an explanation for how you love someone like a love song. She was addressing her Valentine cards for her third grade classmates when she asked why her teacher said they had to give cards to every classmate or not participate. "Why wouldn't I want to give one to everyone in my class?"

Amazing. I love the insight of children. She would never dream of excluding anyone....they are her friends and she wants them to all know she cares for them.

That's how I felt today. My friends did not want to exclude me either and as they reached out to their loved ones, they took time to shine down on me as well.

Society on the other hand needs a reminder from the grade school teachers....remember everyone. Create Valentine activities that celebrate the love of friendship, of love lost due to unfortunate circumstances, of those that choose to be single.

The wheels are spinning in my head and I vow to attack this void next year....not sure what it will be....but there will be something for people like me.

And those plans I had tonight? I tagged along as a third wheel with some folks I really didn't know all that well. It was a running group that has included me on their mailing list, yet have never joined them for a run. Some were getting together to go see a comedy show in town. 5 couples (only one I knew from other social circles) and myself. I decided I wasn't going to sit at home alone....not going to keep sitting here waiting for someone to realize how fabulous I am. Nope!! I am going to go to dinners by myself, join groups whether or not I am asked, buy one ticket to concerts, and a large popcorn for myself at the movies.

Will it be fun? I suspect it will not, but sometimes it will. As a matter of fact, tonight was fun....but it was also a little painful....sad and lonely. But I promise you all, that I'm taking on this personal challenge and I will not let cancer "put baby in the corner."

The Breaking Point

I know I have been absent.

Honestly, I have been been avoiding writing a post.

Not because I have nothing to say - that day will never come.

Not because I am hiding....well, maybe I am a little

Actually because recently I can't seem to find anything inspiring or positive to write about.

I know, I know....I have lots to be grateful for.

And yes, I know I could be a lot worse off.  What could be so terrible?

Well, I have been at a breaking point.  That point where being happy all the time is taking a toll on me.  Because deep down I am not happy.  And for the last 7 years, I have been putting up this front.


And before anyone gets overly concerned, I am not in any harm.  But, the loneliness is overbearing at times.  The always being needed by others is overbearing.  Please do not get me wrong - I love my kids and I love that they "need" me.....but at times, I need a break.  Just 10 minutes alone.....and without having to pretend to go to the bathroom so I can get that time.  There are plenty of times I wish I could get just a single moment to myself....that there was another adult to help out from time to time.

And I'll be honest with you - (that's silly isn't it....because I'm brutally honest) - I have no sympathy for friends that have two adults and complain about how hard it is.....you DON'T know what it is like....you have no idea.  And for my single divorced friends, I appreciate that you understand how difficult it is to be the one parent available, however, just as I can't possibly understand the intricacies associated with raising kids in a split household....please, do not offer me advice as though my situation is like yours.  It isn't. 

Work is no different.  I love my job and love my employer.  I am extremely appreciative of how flexible my company is to work/life situations and how flexible I can be to my own employees as they deal with personal issues.  However, lately, work has become work.  The moment I arrive to the moment I leave, I am being pulled in a million directions with requests and everyone wants something from me.

So my entire day - between home and work - feels like I am failing.  I am unable to make everyone happy....I am unable to meet the needs of everyone.  And I am unable to find time for a few moments for me.

The worst part - at times (more often than not), an entire day goes by without a care in the world about me from another adult or my children..

Never am I asked "How was your day?" or "What can I do for you?" or "How are you feeling?" or "Wow Mom, you look wiped out."

It gets exhausting.....it gets depressing....it gets lonely.

Sure, if I just jumped in my car and drove away, I know my kids would miss me.  I know they love me.  But sometimes that isn't enough.

And just so you all know....being alone ISN'T always as wonderful as you all think it is.  There is definitely a difference between solitude and loneliness.

We choose to have solitude.  We do not choose to be lonely.

And being lonely isn't something that you can just wave a wand and change.  Those that think you can have never felt real loneliness......7 years of loneliness.

Yes, I have fantastic friends....and I do appreciate each and everyone of you.  But the constant loneliness that permeates my life is not going to go away because I have friends.

It is the intimacy of a relationship.....the having someone really care about you....about wanting to take care of you whether or not you want to be taken care of.....the idea that you are the last thought when they fall asleep and the first though when they wake up....this is what is missing.  It is the happiness that comes from being "needed" by another adult....having someone being a "compliment" to your life. And actually occasionally complimenting you doesn't hurt either.

And please, don't tell me I need to open myself up to the idea of dating.  I have.  You need to have someone interested in dating you to be able to date.

It's a vicious cycle.  The constant being pulled in a million directions.  The rejection.  The loneliness.  The exhaustion of being "up" all the time.

So, there you go.  That is what has been going on with me.  Depressing huh?  But reality.....and more than likely, how most every widow or widower you know has felt at some point in their widowhood.


Follow-up comment ~
Let me add, that this isn't every day.....it ebbs and flows.  There are periods that are just fine then bam....out of nowhere...the breaking point surfaces only to disappear a few hours or a day later.  I am amazed at how many others have shared a similar occurrence with me in the short time this has been posted.  Something that has always surprised me since the first day I began writing RunningStrong for Hope is the number of people out there that "get it."  With each post - whether it be about cancer, running, feelings of widowhood - it has drawn others to me and into my life.  Thank you for all your support and friendship!

What Comes After a 7 Year Itch?

And so it begins...

A new year....
 
Filled with endless opportunities.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to 2012.

Thrilled to have made it past another holiday season.  Don't get me wrong.  I love Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

This year just seemed tougher.  Granted, I had my share of ups and downs throughout the year and the holidays have always been difficult with the lose of Brian, but this year just really seemed more difficult.

It got me thinking. 

Brian passed away 7 years ago.  Was this a "7 Year Itch?"

I was curious the true definition of "7 Year Itch."  According to an internet search, it originally was "the inclination to become unfaithful after seven years of marriage."  Further research discovered a more applicable definition - "an urge to move on from any situation."

2011 was the 7th anniversary of Brian's passing.  7 years of missing him....but for some reason this year was more difficult.  I seemed to miss him around every corner I turned.

Perhaps the main reason for these feelings was the falling apart of a relationship that was very important to me....it truly was steps in the direction of finally moving forward.

The falling apart of that relationship caused me to realize how much I really missed Brian....and in retrospect, was it because I was upset about moving on?  And the inability to move on?

Regardless....we are now deadhead into year 8....and it began with a haircut (yes, I know this sounds silly but it was very freeing and brought back a little bounce to my step....sassy Barb was back), signing up for a few 2012 LIVESTRONG events (one being a little bike ride across Iowa - uh oh), setting a few  new goals for a new year (including taking 30 minutes a day devoted to reading a book)....and new traditions this past holiday season (one being ringing bells for Salvation Army).

I rang in 2012 with my 8 year old daughter as my teenage children have very busy social lives these days.  Rachel and I had a blast - definitely the most memorable New Year Eve's since Brian's passing).  We painted 2012 t-shirts, played new games, had a jump on one foot competition, ate chocolate fondue, and eventually after I begged Rachel, went to sleep at 1:30 am.  I also learned that she describes everything as awesome.....but then again, life is pretty awesome, isn't it?

So 7 year itch?  So long!  On to 8 year beginning!