I love the fact that running allows me to think.....to ponder life's daily challenges and accomplishments.....to identify solutions to problems......to reflect on the past day, week, month, etc.
However, lately I realize my thoughts have not been productive while running. Lately I've been thinking a bit too much about human nature......most specifically, trust.....and doubting my own trust in myself. Silly I know....if we can't trust ourselves, who can we trust?
Somehow, I have gotten sidetracked. I have forgotten to use my runs as time of reflection on the positives in life. Somehow, the few negative aspects of life have crept in. "Hey negativity.....go bother someone else. My runs are supposed to be positive and uplifting!"
It has been awhile since I have run outdoors with music. I defintinely run with my IPod securily clipped on my waist when running the "dreadmill" although I have accomplished a few runs indoors without it. Just cuts down on the dreaded boredom. But outdoors.....those are my mind-clearing, thought provoking runs.
But lately, those runs have become TOO thought provoking (is that possible?). A recent thought process went like this....
"I am a pretty trusting person.....but trust is a two way street, isn't it? And often times, disappointment follows - whether it be family, friend, co-worker, children, spouse/significant other, or even a stranger. What happens if you can't trust yourself.....I mean really, how do you trust yourself if you aren't good at picking the right people to trust? Another one of those vicious cycles......trust yourself so you can trust others, but if you pick the wrong person to trust, can you really trust yourself?......."
This is an exact internal conversation I had during one morning long run.....and it actually got me a bit depressed (huh? how is that possible.....what about the endorphins?) and stopped running....just complete and suddenly stopped. I was done. I turned to the rest of the group and told them I was done for the day. I headed back to the shelter to wait for them to finish the day's mileage so we could grab our morning coffee and have some adult conversation.
Heavy stuff huh? I have suddenly found myself unable to go for a long run without having such deep conversations with myself.....which tend to be mildly depressing when you get right down to it. Oh no! I have become too drepressing of company for myself!
Guess it is time to pull out the IPod again for my long runs.....too much time on my hands to think is becoming counterproductive at the moment. I think I need a little Fergie, Cake, U2, Black Eyed Peas, Eminem, and Coldplay to fill up my runs temporarily.
What about all of you? Have you ever found yourself in a deep thought that has actually hindered your ability to run?
What artists/songs help clear your head while running?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Motivation....What to Do When It's Lost?
Motivation.
It's a tricky thing.
When you don't have it, it is tough to get yourself in the mindset to be motivated.
That is the state I'm in right now. Unmotivated.
For a variety of reasons I won't bore you with but the most difficult part is this is causing me to skip my runs......which means I am not getting those endorphins we runners love.....which makes me more unmotivated.....
A very vicious cycle.
I'm tired - emotionally tired and that lends to being physically tired.
Obviously training for a marathon lends itself to needing recovery afterward....and I always tread that part - more so than the 26.2 mile run. The recovery means taking some time off....I didn't this time....and I think that has added to my physical exhaustion.....and some tough runs....which adds to the lack of motivation.
As I reflect over the past few years, I notice that this feeling tends to follow a marathon....but not my half marathons.
Running and training for the 26 million that are fighting cancer each and every day is obviously VERY motivating.....but getting past the emotional and physical exhaustion is tough.
So.....how do you all get yourself moving when your motivation is drained?
It's a tricky thing.
When you don't have it, it is tough to get yourself in the mindset to be motivated.
That is the state I'm in right now. Unmotivated.
For a variety of reasons I won't bore you with but the most difficult part is this is causing me to skip my runs......which means I am not getting those endorphins we runners love.....which makes me more unmotivated.....
A very vicious cycle.
I'm tired - emotionally tired and that lends to being physically tired.
Obviously training for a marathon lends itself to needing recovery afterward....and I always tread that part - more so than the 26.2 mile run. The recovery means taking some time off....I didn't this time....and I think that has added to my physical exhaustion.....and some tough runs....which adds to the lack of motivation.
As I reflect over the past few years, I notice that this feeling tends to follow a marathon....but not my half marathons.
Running and training for the 26 million that are fighting cancer each and every day is obviously VERY motivating.....but getting past the emotional and physical exhaustion is tough.
So.....how do you all get yourself moving when your motivation is drained?
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Thoughts Bouncing Around in My Head
I don't like to post so frequently but I need to get this one written while the emotions and feelings are still fresh. I had two events occur this week that have lead to me writing tonight.
Being a widow certainly has it's challenges. I am pretty certain you all recognize that. Being a single parent is tough - regardless of the path you took to become a single parent. But being a widow really places your children into a situation of being raised by one parent. Don't get me wrong, I know there are struggles financially and emotionally when a divorce is involved. I happen to have grown up in a single parent household - 2 times.....first when my mother passed away when I was two and secondly after my father remarried then divorced. So, I have sympathy for both camps.....and understand the complexities of both situations.
I also understand that often times in a divorce, one of the parents is VERY absent - which was the case with my dad and step-mother's divorce. Once they divorced, I never saw her again until my sister's funeral when I was 34 years old and again at my father's funeral when I was 36 years old.
Raising kids in a single parent family is difficult.....and is something that continues to hold a "stigma" in society. Being a single parent because of a death is even more of a "stigma." People feel sorry for you. People that don't know the circumstances assume you are from a failed relationship instead of a very loving one. People think your kids father is a "deadbeat" or that you had your children without a father involved.
Then there is the constant decision making....no one to toss those ideas around with....every decision is your responsibility. Talk about stressful!
And those you are making decisions for are not always happy campers. I am sure many of you have a good cop/bad cop routine going on in your household with your children.....and you probably rotate those roles from time to time. Not in a single parent household. The parent is ALWAYS the bad cop. It is a very rare occurrence I get to be the "fun" parent.
By far, the most difficult part for me is the emotional piece. I can handle juggling a million things at a time....or asking for help to carpool, etc.....I may not do it well but I can do it. But the emotional piece....the intense loneliness that creeps up on you, the self-doubt of every decision, the lack of someone to give you that hug you need, and the feeling of being "trapped" in a life you didn't plan....a life alone.....is overwhelming at times.
Please take time to acknowledge your spouse, to thank them for all they do each and every day, to hug and kiss one another, to say "I love you", to appreciate one another, to take time for one another, to celebrate every birthday and anniversary. Life is short and once you get to the end, you do not want to regret missing out taking advantage of each day.
A big thank you to Terry Hitchcock for running further than I could ever go, for providing the issue of single parents and our children a voice, and to Tim VandeSteeg for seeing how important this issue is and bringing Terry's story to a national spotlight.
If you would like to support my efforts and my marathons for LIVESTRONG and helping to keep others from being thrust into my situation, please donate using the link below:
SUPPORT BARB AS SHE RUNS COAST TO COAST FOR LIVESTRONG
Oh, and CANCER SUCKS!
- First, I attended the viewing of MY RUN.....a fantastic documentary about Terry Hitchcock and his marathon journey through life. Terry is a single parent who ran 75 marathon length runs over a 75 day period to bring awareness to the struggles of single parents and the millions of children being raised in those households. It obviously hit close to home - like Terry, my own father was placed in a similar situation in the late 1960's when most women were the homemakers. And obviously, my own children are also part of that unfortunate statistic due to their father and the love of my life's passing to cancer.
- Secondly, a major light bulb went off in my head this weekend regarding a personal relationship that made me realize that companionship will always be missing from my life. Many of you may consider me a catch - thank you - however my limited time and raising three children 365 days a year does not make for an ideal relationship. I will slowly but surely accept this fate but it does suck....there is no other way to state that....just another crappy side affect from cancer.
Being a widow certainly has it's challenges. I am pretty certain you all recognize that. Being a single parent is tough - regardless of the path you took to become a single parent. But being a widow really places your children into a situation of being raised by one parent. Don't get me wrong, I know there are struggles financially and emotionally when a divorce is involved. I happen to have grown up in a single parent household - 2 times.....first when my mother passed away when I was two and secondly after my father remarried then divorced. So, I have sympathy for both camps.....and understand the complexities of both situations.
I also understand that often times in a divorce, one of the parents is VERY absent - which was the case with my dad and step-mother's divorce. Once they divorced, I never saw her again until my sister's funeral when I was 34 years old and again at my father's funeral when I was 36 years old.
Raising kids in a single parent family is difficult.....and is something that continues to hold a "stigma" in society. Being a single parent because of a death is even more of a "stigma." People feel sorry for you. People that don't know the circumstances assume you are from a failed relationship instead of a very loving one. People think your kids father is a "deadbeat" or that you had your children without a father involved.
Then there is the constant decision making....no one to toss those ideas around with....every decision is your responsibility. Talk about stressful!
And those you are making decisions for are not always happy campers. I am sure many of you have a good cop/bad cop routine going on in your household with your children.....and you probably rotate those roles from time to time. Not in a single parent household. The parent is ALWAYS the bad cop. It is a very rare occurrence I get to be the "fun" parent.
By far, the most difficult part for me is the emotional piece. I can handle juggling a million things at a time....or asking for help to carpool, etc.....I may not do it well but I can do it. But the emotional piece....the intense loneliness that creeps up on you, the self-doubt of every decision, the lack of someone to give you that hug you need, and the feeling of being "trapped" in a life you didn't plan....a life alone.....is overwhelming at times.
Please take time to acknowledge your spouse, to thank them for all they do each and every day, to hug and kiss one another, to say "I love you", to appreciate one another, to take time for one another, to celebrate every birthday and anniversary. Life is short and once you get to the end, you do not want to regret missing out taking advantage of each day.
A big thank you to Terry Hitchcock for running further than I could ever go, for providing the issue of single parents and our children a voice, and to Tim VandeSteeg for seeing how important this issue is and bringing Terry's story to a national spotlight.
If you would like to support my efforts and my marathons for LIVESTRONG and helping to keep others from being thrust into my situation, please donate using the link below:
SUPPORT BARB AS SHE RUNS COAST TO COAST FOR LIVESTRONG
Oh, and CANCER SUCKS!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Make Me an April Fool!
That got your attention, now didn't it. "Make a fool of Barb? How do I sign up for that?" Sounds pretty enticing, huh? Read on....
As you are all aware if you have been following this blog, I am running a half marathon or full marathon each month this year to raise funds and awareness for LIVESTRONG. My goal is a minimum of $10,000 and my stretch goal is $15,000.
To date, together we have raised just over $5,000 (although my fundraising site only shows $4,700 at this time, there are funds en-route that I am aware of). At my halfway point already....woo whoo!!
So, on to more important matters....how do we go about making a fool of Barb?
My next race is on April 30th....the Illinois Half. Which will be attended by A LOT of local runners.....a lot of people that know me.....so what a better time and place to make a fool of myself?
Here's the deal:
If we surpass $6,000, I'll be sweetening the pot.....but more to come on that!
Please share this with anyone you know that hates cancer and wants to kick it's ass!
Any suggestions on what I should wear? Please post a comment if you have one!
LIVESTRONG!
As you are all aware if you have been following this blog, I am running a half marathon or full marathon each month this year to raise funds and awareness for LIVESTRONG. My goal is a minimum of $10,000 and my stretch goal is $15,000.
To date, together we have raised just over $5,000 (although my fundraising site only shows $4,700 at this time, there are funds en-route that I am aware of). At my halfway point already....woo whoo!!
So, on to more important matters....how do we go about making a fool of Barb?
My next race is on April 30th....the Illinois Half. Which will be attended by A LOT of local runners.....a lot of people that know me.....so what a better time and place to make a fool of myself?
Here's the deal:
- If I raise $6,000 by race day, I will wear a race outfit chosen by one of my donors
- Which donor?
- Those that donate $50 between now and April 20th will be entered into a drawing. The donor selected from that drawing will have the honors of selecting my outfit.
- If you make a $100 donation, you receive two entries, $150 = 3 entries, etc.
- How do you participate?
- Make an online donation using the link below. I'll receive an e-mail notifying me of your donation. Please be sure to include your e-mail when you make the donation so I can notify you when you win! Oh, and let me know if you want me to dedicate my run to anyone you've lost to cancer, a survivor or someone currently battling this awful disease.
- http://run.livestrong.org/teamls2011/barbarasimmons
- Are there any stipulations to the outfit?
- Why of course. Remember I am representing LIVESTRONG and my RunningStrong for Hope so please chose an outfit that is not inappropriate. But, those that know me well, know I'm pretty game for almost anything.
If we surpass $6,000, I'll be sweetening the pot.....but more to come on that!
Please share this with anyone you know that hates cancer and wants to kick it's ass!
Any suggestions on what I should wear? Please post a comment if you have one!
LIVESTRONG!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
My Swim through Los Angeles.....The Honda LA Marathon
Those were the thoughts that went through my head back in November when I was planning my RunningStrong for Hope race schedule. Flash forward 5 months....and a major reality check.....monsoon-like rain and wind, chilled to the bone, and an extra 10 pounds in my suitcase when I returned home from the water soaked race clothes and shoes I wore during the race.
After months of training and raising over $4,000 for LIVESTRONG, I headed off to Los Angeles. I was joined by the LIVESTRONG Chics - my two dear friends that take turns doing the swim portion of a local triathlon relay we compete in to raise funds for LIVESTRONG.
The weather forecast was none to pleasant.....50's and rain predicted all weekend. Hmmm....not the vision I had in my mind back in November. (check out the videos at the end of my post to see what the weather was really like)
Sunday morning started off with a very early wake-up call....3:45 am....in order to catch a shuttle to Dodger Stadium from Santa Monica, a very short 26 miles away (it seems quite a bit shorter driving the distance). A very seamless transition which is often a stressful start to marathon morning.
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| The LIVESTRONG Chics at Dodger Stadium before the start |
Once at Dodger Stadium, it was off to find the Team LIVESTRONG Suite - a very cool perk the marathon provided for charities. Instead of sitting in the hallways or stands of the stadium as rain came down intermittently, I was in a nice warm suite with the company of some truly amazing people.
This was by far the highlight of my marathon experience.....meeting the other members of Team LIVESTRONG. We had never met one another prior to this morning; all had different journeys that brought us to that suite at Dodger Stadium but we were all there for a common cause - to show cancer who was boss.
Some of us were cancer survivors, some caregivers, others had loved ones stolen by cancer.....cancer had impacted each and every one of us....and we were inspired by one another. Each had our own personal reasons for taking on 26.2 miles but cancer was the villain in each story.
Eventually it was time to say good-bye to all my fellow cancer fighters and head down to the starting corrals. A group of us headed to the start together and three of us actually ran together for sometime. The goal was obviously to get to mile 26.2 however my short-term goal was set on mile 17 where the LIVESTRONG crew was waiting for us to pass by.
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| Nice, dry and still smiling at the start |
The rain started almost simultaneous with the start of the race. It was on and off for the first 10 miles - at times drizzling and other times a down and out downpour. But, at least I wasn't hot! My main concern after training in the Illinois winters was how I would run in the heat and blazing California sun. This obviously wasn't a concern.....and actually I had run my 20 mile training run in very similar conditions...thanks Mother Nature! (see On the Road to LA...Team LIVESTRONG Training for the LA Marathon)
I knew there would be a few hills.....but I certainly wasn't prepared for the number of hills I encountered in LA. In hindsight, I should have pulled back a little in the first half to save my legs for the second half (which wasn't nearly as hilly) but I charged up those hills.....and unfortunately my quads were feeling those hills in the last 8 miles. Note to self - when training on a treadmill, occasionally hit the incline button.
One very cool memory of this race was all the people standing out in the pouring down rain volunteering at water stops and others lining the course cheering. As I was running along through Beverly Hills - drinking in the sights - I happened to notice someone wearing a Ride for the Roses jacket. Wait a second.....I know someone from RFTR that lives in the area. So I turned and shouted his name.....and amazingly enough it was him! How bizarre! A great surprise and an opportunity to catch up for a few moments as my Movember friend ran alongside me for a few moments. At mile 22, I heard my name and turned to see a friend I have known since I was in grade school She stood out in the pouring rain waiting for me to pass by......and then stayed out there to wait for the other LIVESTRONG Chics to pass by as well. Her mother was one of the individuals I was honoring on my back during this little "jog."
Speaking of those I honored, check out the RunningStrong for Hope tribute wall to see the names of those that journeyed through the rain along with me in spirit.
Eventually I finished.....I really wasn't in any hurry. Between the weather and the hills, I really adjusted any expectations I had to get a great time.....so I took extra time to enjoy the sights, chat with others along the course, stop to visit with the LIVESTRONG crew and my friends cheering.
As I crossed the finish line, I began to choke up a bit as I remembered why I was tackling this race to begin with. I whispered to myself as tears began to form ....."This is for you Brian."
I may have been a bit soggy and sore, but in the long run, the steps I took through the rain, puddles and wind were nothing compared to the challenges Brian, Mom, Dad and my sister Janet - along with the 28 million worldwide living with cancer - endured as they fought a great battle against cancer. This was a small sacrifice I made on one rainy day to honor the lives of those stolen from my life.
I am forever grateful to all the support my friends have provided me with not only your monetary donations to LIVESTRONG but the emotional support during my preparation for this race, during the race.....and most importantly over the past 7 years.
Another 26.2 miles down.....147.6 miles to go.
Next up.....the Illinois Half Marathon in Champaign, IL on April 30th. I hope to raise another $1,000 for this race.
Click here to donate to support Barb's RunningStrong for Hope benefiting LIVESTRONG
LIVESTRONG everyone!
Monday, March 14, 2011
NEVER Underestimate the Underdog
The past few days were spent in Indianapolis at the Big Ten Men's Basketball Tournament with my 16 and13 year old sons. It was a pretty exciting experience.....I've been to plenty of Big East and Big Ten games over the years - but there is something so very different about tournament time. It isn't called March Madness because it is boring!
Every game kept us on the edge of our seats....and many teams that were expected to waltz right through to the final game (aka THE Ohio State...by the way...what is with the THE....is there another Ohio State I am not aware of?) struggled to hold on for a win or were upset. Ohio State entered the tournament seeded not only number one in the Big Ten but in the nation. We expected this game to be just a warm-up for the Illinois/Michigan match-up we were most interested in. But this actually turned out to be just as an exciting game.....could Northwestern really take down THE Ohio State? Wow!!!
All in all, Ohio State did win the tournament - but not without a few scares, and how many out there would have expected Penn State to beat Wisconsin and Michigan State on their way to the final against Ohio State?
Just a great reminder that we should never underestimate an underdog.
I had several hours of windshield time as we returned from Indianapolis and I kept thinking about that statement......never underestimate an underdog....and came to the realization that this applies not only to sports but also to life.
I know several underdogs that our nemesis Cancer fortunately underestimated. Lance Armstrong being the most famous of those....and one that made others stand up and take notice.....that made others realize that they have hope....and brought attention to the fact that underdogs can AND should NEVER give up.
Unfortunately for my family, cancer has won the battle all too often. We have lost my mother, father, sister, aunt and my husband/father of my three children all to cancer. However, cancer hasn't won the battle with those that are still here......each and everyday my children and I wake up with a mission to live life to its fullest. This is our own way of winning as an underdog.
I am here to tell you that being a widowed single parent and raising children alone because of cancer isn't easy (not that I assumed you thought it was). The financial consequences are huge (that itself is a separate blog....I'll get on that soapbox another time) but the emotional consequences are even more difficult and far-reaching. Not only does the attitude I chose each morning impact myself....it impacts the three children I am responsible for "molding" into members of our society. I have to find a way to be positive each and every moment of each and everyday.....even though there are plenty of days I would love to pull those covers over my head and hide from the "crap" life throws at me.
But, I realize if I am unable to muster up a positive outlook, than cancer has impacted us yet again. I am constantly reminded of those whose lives were lost to cancer and what a shame it would be to lose the lives of those left behind by not living each day fully. I know Brian would be disappointed if we allowed cancer to win again....just as he would have been disappointed if Michigan State had rolled over to Purdue (he despised Purdue....being a die-hard Indiana fan).
Cancer - please take note. The underdogs are NOT to be underestimated. We will NOT let you take our lives without a fight, we will NOT allow you to bring negativity into our lives, we WILL live our lives each and everyday full of life....we WILL WIN this battle!
I am running 26.2 miles on March 20th as one more attempt to put cancer on notice as a member of Team LIVESTRONG. I would be absolutely thrilled if you would consider supporting my efforts as an underdog! Donations to my fundrasing efforts can be made on-line using the link below:
http://run.livestrong.org/teamls2011/barbarasimmons
One last item of note....I need to make a plug for a gentleman that everyone would have thought was an underdog, but took it upon himself to show cancer he wasn't going to allow the after effects of cancer impact his family. Please consider viewing My Run - a documentary about Terry Hitchcock - another widowed single parent raising his children - as he decided to run 75 marathons on 75 consecutive days to bring awareness to the number of single parents and the children being raised by those single parents. Please take a moment to watch the trailer below and consider purchasing tickets for the March 31st viewing across the country. A portion of the proceeds from this movie benefits LIVESTRONG.
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