Sisters as Mothers.....Mothers as Sisters

"Both within the family and without, our sisters hold up our mirrors: our images of who we are and of what we can dare to be." ~ Elizabeth Fishe

Sunday is Mother's Day.

If you have been reading along with my previous postings, you should be aware that I am a single mother due to my husband's passing from cancer at age 38, leaving behind our three wonderful children.  But you may not be aware that I was also raised in a household in which my own mother passed away from cancer at age 39, leaving my father to raise five children on his own.

Because I lost my mother at such a young age, Mother's Day really never held much meaning to me until I became a mother myself.  As I was reminded of the upcoming holiday this weekend -  primarily due to pleas by my 7 year-old to close my eyes as she created craft projects in every room of the house as "surprise" gifts -  I reflected on the fact that although I was raised without my mother, I have had several "mothers" in my life......my sisters and mother-in-law.

I am the youngest of that crew my father raised alone....three older sisters and one older brother.

My three older sisters have always been like mother figures to me.  As we were growing up, they were the ones that played games with me, made sure I understood the womanly changes I would encounter, taught me how to cook/bake, took me shopping, hosted wedding and baby showers for me, traveled to Philadelphia to help me with my newborn children when we came home from the hospital.  I had a very different relationship with each of them.....but I suspect those relationships would have been much different if my mother had been there for all of us.

I have a very vivid memory of my oldest sister, Janet, taking me to get a shots before high school and being mistaken as my mother....something she was not to excited about at the time; taking me camping with her and her boyfriend (eventually husband); taking me to the circus, and as I got older, talking to me about my job, marriage, children. etc.  I remember my sister, Audrey, playing game after game of Payday with me in her room; teaching me how to change diapers on her own children.  I recall Ruth going to movies with me, taking me on my first bike trip to Vermont; sending me care packages in college and attending my college field hockey games.

Janet unfortunately has also passed away from cancer at a young age - leaving behind two amazing, successful, independent and caring children.  


Audrey and Ruth were both very instrumental in helping me get through the loss of my husband.  As soon as she received word Brian was in the hospital, Ruth dropped everything and flew out to Bloomington to help with my children.  The day Brian passed away, he was asking to see our older son, Jay.  Ruth woke Jay up, helped him prepare for seeing his dad, stayed by his side, and took him out for a talk and donuts afterward.  Our youngest was celebrating her first birthday the day after Brian passed away.  None of us had any interest in celebrating but Ruth made sure there were presents, decorations and cake.  She got the boys involved, took pictures and I am eternally grateful for this....I can't imagine if we had not celebrated Rachel's first birthday.

Ruth and Audrey helped me sort through boxes of pictures as we put together memory boards of Brian for the visitation.  They kept our friends informed, assisted with arrangements, kept us fed.

Six months later Audrey was passing through Chicago on a business trip and added a few days to visit me in Bloomington.  She helped me with that daunting task of sorting through Brian's clothes.  It was her idea to save several to make quilts for each of the kids - something I still have not yet but it is always on my to do list.

When I moved to a new house, Audrey and Ruth flew back again and helped us with the move.  They emptied boxes, organized my kitchen, put pictures up around the house.  Then planned an impromptu trip to Chicago with me after making secret arrangements with my friends.  A very much needed escape from reality.

The next year I celebrated my 40th birthday.....and I was surprised by a visit from Audrey and Ruth....along with another trip to Chicago and Pat Benatar at the House of Blues.  We had a great birthday dinner with a friend at Smith & Wollensky overlooking the river watching the sunset.  A great way to ring in my 40's (which is never a depressing birthday for any of us because it meant we outlived our mother....strange perspective I know but you really do look at life differently when you've been surrounded by untimely deaths).

Another time I was heading out of town for the weekend - can't remember the circumstances at the moment - but I asked Ruth if she would fly out to spend the weekend with the kids.....no hesitation whatsoever on her part. 


Three women who have had a significant impact on me becoming the mother I am today.


But there is one other woman in my life that has a substantial impact on me....and continues to love and support me every day.  The mother of the love of my life - Brian's mother - my mother-in-law.


I have always had a wonderful relationship with her - since the day I met her.  She has never had in-law status with me.....she has always held mother status.  There is NOTHING Robin wouldn't do for me - before and after Brian passed away.  She is a confident.  I trust her 100% and is someone I trust for sound advice about life.  I would truly be lost without her and am blessed to have her in my life.

So although I never knew my mother, I have plenty of loved ones that have filled that void.  Thank you to all of you.....and I dedicate this post to you.

Look around you....are there other women in your life that have supported you and been motherly to you?  Be sure to share with them your gratitude, give them a hug and wish them a Happy Mother's Day.

To honor the memory of my own mother and my sister Janet, I made a donation to LIVESTRONG.  If you would like to honor the mothers in your life with a donation, please click on the link below:
http://run.livestrong.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=436387&supid=227033402

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

Another 13.1 Miles to Kick Cancer to the Curb

Last Saturday I found myself at the 50 yard line at Memorial Stadium on the University of Illinois campus. 

I wasn't there for a football game but I was actually winning a game against cancer. 

I had just finished the Illinois Half Marathon - my April race for my RunningSTRONG for Hope Coast to Coast Tour benefiting LIVESTRONG.   I started out in December with a goal to race 200 miles against cancer.  To date, I have raced a total of 65.5 miles - from Las Vegas, Milwaukee, Los Angeles and now Champaign, IL.  I have run in sunshine, monsoon rains, around an ice rink and in 40 mph winds.

And along the way have raised $5,500 for LIVESTRONG.

A very important fact about this race.....the rain on my parade - I mean race - jinx was officially broken.  Although, I was running with my friend Kristin who tends to have a extreme heat curse of her own during her races, so perhaps our bad weather patterns just canceled each other out.....and brought along 40 mph wind gusts.

Yes, you read that correctly.  No monsoon or hurricane rains this time....but none stop wind....and the occasional 40 mph gusts.  But, let's keep in mind why I'm embarking on this journey. 

• It isn't for PRs - although I did get one in Vegas and would have been rather close this past weekend if I didn't have a untimely upset stomach.
• It isn't for the competition - although I suppose I am a bit competitive at times.  
• It isn't for the race day swag.
• It isn't for the exotic locale - nothing against Illinois but Champaign is far from exotic.  If I was looking for exotic, I would find a race in Hawaii. 

 

No.....it was for LIVESTRONG.  Every step I take, every line I toe, every time I lace up my shoes, pull on my gear is for LIVESTRONG.  It is to bring awareness and raise funds for an organization that has done more to bring cancer into worldwide discussions, identify and provide resources those fighting and surviving cancer.  

The following story is not mine but was recently shared with me and provides a great example of the resources LIVESTRONG provides with the dollars I raise - and you donate!

"Four and a half years ago I heard the words: “you have cancer.” I had gone through a miscarriage at five months pregnant and had no time to grieve. Shortly thereafter came my diagnosis and I began treatment for ovarian cancer. I was only 31, and all of my decisions were connected to this six letter word.

It was during that time that a friend told me to call LIVESTRONG as they could help with many questions about my diagnosis such as: Am I entitled to a second opinion or third opinion? How do I talk to my insurance company about things not covered? My job is having me go on medical leave of absence, with 30% of my pay, how do I make things work for me financially? I can’t work out in a gym right now while in chemo, are there any options for me to stay connected with my fitness? I only needed to call one number, and I was directed to great resources that I believe saved my life four years ago. I was able to talk with social workers who helped guide me through each of my questions. And the best part about this resource—it’s absolutely free". 

LIVESTRONG Navigation offers free service in English and Spanish for people who need help moving through their cancer journey. You can call 855.220.7777 or fill out an online intake form. This is what our efforts are going towards....what every dollar I raise,  every step I take during my training and races.

Please consider supporting my efforts so we can continue to provide resources like these to those that we love or perhaps ourselves as these three words "You have cancer" are mouthed by doctors around the world. Please join me in helping others make the mountain of decisions they are faced as they take in these awful words.

http://run.livestrong.org/teamls2011/barbarasimmons

My next race is in 10 days and I am just $250 shy of the $6,000 mark.  Can we make it to $7,500 before I toe the line in Pittsburgh surrounded by 100 other Team LIVESTRONG runners?

Donate in honor of your mother for Mother's Day.  Pass up one margarita on Cinco de Mayo and donate the cost.  Celebrate a cancer survivor's birthday with a donation.

Any donations made in honor of an individual will be added to the RunningSTRONG for Hope Tribute wall.

Is it Time to Start Listening to Music Again?

I love the fact that running allows me to think.....to ponder life's daily challenges and accomplishments.....to identify solutions to problems......to reflect on the past day, week, month, etc. 

However, lately I realize my thoughts have not been productive while running.  Lately I've been thinking a bit too much about human nature......most specifically, trust.....and doubting my own trust in myself.  Silly I know....if  we can't trust ourselves, who can we trust?

Somehow, I have gotten sidetracked.  I have forgotten to use my runs as time of reflection on the positives in life.  Somehow, the few negative aspects of life have crept in.  "Hey negativity.....go bother someone else.  My runs are supposed to be positive and uplifting!"

It has been awhile since I have run outdoors with music.  I defintinely run with my IPod securily clipped on my waist when running the "dreadmill" although I have accomplished a few runs indoors without it.  Just cuts down on the dreaded boredom.  But outdoors.....those are my mind-clearing, thought provoking runs. 

But lately, those runs have become TOO thought provoking (is that possible?).  A recent thought process went like this.... 

"I am a pretty trusting person.....but trust is a two way street, isn't it?  And often times, disappointment follows - whether it be family, friend, co-worker, children, spouse/significant other, or even a stranger.  What happens if you can't trust yourself.....I mean really, how do you trust yourself if you aren't good at picking the right people to trust?  Another one of those vicious cycles......trust yourself so you can trust others, but if you pick the wrong person to trust, can you really trust yourself?......."

This is an exact internal conversation I had during one morning long run.....and it actually got me a bit depressed (huh?  how is that possible.....what about the endorphins?) and stopped running....just complete and suddenly stopped.  I was done.  I turned to the rest of the group and told them I was done for the day.  I headed back to the shelter to wait for them to finish the day's mileage so we could grab our morning coffee and have some adult conversation.

Heavy stuff huh?  I have suddenly found myself unable to go for a long run without having such deep conversations with myself.....which tend to be mildly depressing when you get right down to it.  Oh no!  I have become too drepressing of company for myself!

Guess it is time to pull out the IPod again for my long runs.....too much time on my hands to think is becoming counterproductive at the moment.  I think I need a little Fergie, Cake, U2, Black Eyed Peas, Eminem, and Coldplay to fill up my runs temporarily.

What about all of you?  Have you ever found yourself in a deep thought that has actually hindered your ability to run?

What artists/songs help clear your head while running?

Motivation....What to Do When It's Lost?

Motivation.

It's a tricky thing.

When you don't have it, it is tough to get yourself in the mindset to be motivated.

That is the state I'm in right now.  Unmotivated.

For a variety of reasons I won't bore you with but the most difficult part is this is causing me to skip my runs......which means I am not getting those endorphins we runners love.....which makes me more unmotivated.....

A very vicious cycle.

I'm tired - emotionally tired and that lends to being physically tired.

Obviously training for a marathon lends itself to needing recovery afterward....and I always tread that part - more so than the 26.2 mile run.  The recovery means taking some time off....I didn't this time....and I think that has added to my physical exhaustion.....and some tough runs....which adds to the lack of motivation.

As I reflect over the past few years, I notice that this feeling tends to follow a marathon....but not my half marathons.

Running and training for the 26 million that are fighting cancer each and every day is obviously VERY motivating.....but getting past the emotional and physical exhaustion is tough.

So.....how do you all get yourself moving when your motivation is drained?

Thoughts Bouncing Around in My Head

I don't like to post so frequently but I need to get this one written while the emotions and feelings are still fresh.  I had two events occur this week that have lead to me writing tonight.  

• First, I attended the viewing of MY RUN.....a fantastic documentary about Terry Hitchcock and his marathon journey through life.  Terry is a single parent who ran 75 marathon length runs over a 75 day period to bring awareness to the struggles of single parents and the millions of children being raised in those households.  It obviously hit close to home - like Terry, my own father was placed in a similar situation in the late 1960's when most women were the homemakers.  And obviously, my own children are also part of that unfortunate statistic due to their father and the love of my life's passing to cancer.
• Secondly, a major light bulb went off in my head this weekend regarding a personal relationship that made me realize that companionship will always be missing from my life.  Many of you may consider me a catch - thank you - however my limited time and raising three children 365 days a year does not make for an ideal relationship.  I will slowly but surely accept this fate but it does suck....there is no other way to state that....just another crappy side affect from cancer.

These two events have had my mind racing the past two days.....and sharing my thoughts, feelings on this blog has become a very therapeutic process for me....so I apologize for using this space in lieu of an expensive session with a counselor.



Being a widow certainly has it's challenges.  I am pretty certain you all recognize that.  Being a single parent is tough - regardless of the path you took to become a single parent.  But being a widow really places your children into a situation of being raised by one parent.  Don't get me wrong, I know there are struggles financially and emotionally when a divorce is involved.  I happen to have grown up in a single parent household - 2 times.....first when my mother passed away when I was two and secondly after my father remarried then divorced.  So, I have sympathy for both camps.....and understand the complexities of both situations.

I also understand that often times in a divorce, one of the parents is VERY absent - which was the case with my dad and step-mother's divorce.  Once they divorced, I never saw her again until my sister's funeral when I was 34 years old and again at my father's funeral when I was 36 years old.

Raising kids in a single parent family is difficult.....and is something that continues to hold a "stigma" in society.  Being a single parent because of a death is even more of a "stigma."  People feel sorry for you.  People that don't know the circumstances assume you are from a failed relationship instead of a very loving one.  People think your kids father is a "deadbeat" or that you had your children without a father involved.
 
Then there is the constant decision making....no one to toss those ideas around with....every decision is your responsibility.  Talk about stressful!

And those you are making decisions for are not always happy campers.  I am sure many of you have a good cop/bad cop routine going on in your household with your children.....and you probably rotate those roles from time to time.  Not in a single parent household.  The parent is ALWAYS the bad cop.  It is a very rare occurrence I get to be the "fun" parent.

By far, the most difficult part for me is the emotional piece.  I can handle juggling a million things at a time....or asking for help to carpool, etc.....I may not do it well but I can do it.  But the emotional piece....the intense loneliness that creeps up on you, the self-doubt of every decision, the lack of someone to give you that hug you need, and the feeling of being "trapped" in a life you didn't plan....a life alone.....is overwhelming at times.

Please take time to acknowledge your spouse, to thank them for all they do each and every day, to hug and kiss one another, to say "I love you", to appreciate one another, to take time for one another, to celebrate every birthday and anniversary.  Life is short and once you get to the end, you do not want to regret missing out taking advantage of each day.


A big thank you to Terry Hitchcock for running further than I could ever go, for providing the issue of single parents and our children a voice, and to Tim VandeSteeg for seeing how important this issue is and bringing Terry's story to a national spotlight.

If  you would like to support my efforts and my marathons for LIVESTRONG and helping to keep others from being thrust into my situation, please donate using the link below:
SUPPORT BARB AS SHE RUNS COAST TO COAST FOR LIVESTRONG 

Oh, and CANCER SUCKS!

Make Me an April Fool!

That got your attention, now didn't it.  "Make a fool of Barb?  How do I sign up for that?"  Sounds pretty enticing, huh?  Read on....

As you are all aware if you have been following this blog, I am running a half marathon or full marathon each month this year to raise funds and awareness for LIVESTRONG.  My goal is a minimum of $10,000 and my stretch goal is $15,000.

To date, together we have raised just over $5,000 (although my fundraising site only shows $4,700 at this time, there are funds en-route that I am aware of).  At my halfway point already....woo whoo!!

So, on to more important matters....how do we go about making a fool of Barb?

My next race is on April 30th....the Illinois Half.  Which will be attended by A LOT of local runners.....a lot of people that know me.....so what a better time and place to make a fool of myself?

Here's the deal:

• If I raise $6,000 by race day, I will wear a race outfit chosen by one of my donors
• Which donor?
• Those that donate $50 between now and April 20th will be entered into a drawing.  The donor selected from that drawing will have the honors of selecting my outfit.
• If you make a $100 donation, you receive two entries, $150 = 3 entries, etc.
• How do you participate?
• Make an online donation using the link below.  I'll receive an e-mail notifying me of your donation.  Please be sure to include your e-mail when you make the donation so I can notify you when you win!  Oh, and let me know if you want me to dedicate my run to anyone you've lost to cancer, a survivor or someone currently battling this awful disease.
• http://run.livestrong.org/teamls2011/barbarasimmons
• Are there any stipulations to the outfit?
• Why of course.  Remember I am representing LIVESTRONG and my RunningStrong for Hope so please chose an outfit that is not inappropriate.  But, those that know me well, know I'm pretty game for almost anything.  

OH, and the first $50 donation that is made today (April 1st) will be matched by me....and that donor will get two entries to the drawing.....so if you REALLY want to make a fool of me, be quick!

If we surpass $6,000, I'll be sweetening the pot.....but more to come on that! 

Please share this with anyone you know that hates cancer and wants to kick it's ass!

Any suggestions on what I should wear?  Please post a comment if you have one!

LIVESTRONG!