Rekindling My Inner Spirit on RAGBRAI with Team LIVESTRONG

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." ~ Albert Schweitzer

I have received numerous odd looks this week when co-workers asked me how I spent my vacation.  I suspect when they saw my tan and relaxed disposition, they assumed I had spent a week lounging on a beach (which wouldn't be a stretch).  They appeared a bit shocked - as they should be - when my response was that I spent the week cycling across Iowa in 100 degree temperatures and sleeping in a tent.  Shocked that I didn't step foot in a single air-conditioned resort hotel with a swimming pool.  Shocked that there were no spa visits, gourmet dinners, relaxing afternoons poolside or sleeping in until I naturally woke up.

A common question to my explanation that I spent the week riding my bike was "WHY??"

Well, why not?

Why not spend a week camping with 75 strangers - actually 10,000 total?   

Why not spend a week surrounded by 75 caring supportive individuals?

Why not spend a week with 75 other cyclists that "get it"....that understand that cancer has taken a toll on all our lives in some way or shape.

Once again, participation in a Team LIVESTRONG event has rekindled that fire inside me.  

I was constantly taken aback by the generosity of my teammates and the hospitality of the Iowa communities that welcomed 10,000 plus cyclists into their towns, creating havoc on their traffic and the simple trip to the grocery store.

I left my home on July 20th just one person....just one member of the Team LIVESTRONG RAGBRAI group....just one cancer hater....just one runner that was attempting to take on the most challenging event of her life.

I returned home on July 28th a part of something bigger.  I returned home as part of a community.....still  one person but one with 75 new friends.....75 new supporters and cheerleaders....75 individuals that together were willing to turn this runner into a cyclist.....that took the time to slow down as they rode by me to make sure I was okay....75 others that made me feel as though I was not alone in the aftermath cancer has created in my life.  

Among those that I had the pleasure of experiencing their inner spirit.... 

• The teammate that only knew me from our team Facebook page yet opened her home to me - a complete stranger - so I could appreciate one last night of comfort in air-conditioning and a bed.  I had no idea at the time how valuable that would be.  This wonderful teammate became my guiding light all week and took this RAGBRAI virgin (yes, it is tradition to call first-timers virgins and "mark" us with the word spelled out on our calves) under her wing, teaching me the important RAGBRAI ropes of camp life and enjoying the ride.

• The entire LIVESTRONG staff that made sure to welcome me with support and enthusiasm regardless of the time of day - before I had my coffee at 5 am or when I was the last to roll into camp at 6 pm....this also was the case when they would come along me on the route during the day.  The minute we all arrived in Sioux Center, the feeling of being at a family reunion was evident.

• The gentleman that recently celebrated his 75th birthday and pulled me aside after I completed my ride on day 3 asking to ride with me the next day.  At this point I was contemplating not riding anymore.  I hadn't verbalized that to anyone yet I suspect this wonderful caring man recognized this in my demeanor.  He never left my side the next day - through the sun, 110 degree temperatures and strong headwinds.  This 75 year old man made me ride behind him and blocked all the wind for me.  He made sure my water bottles had ice in them.  He made sure I ate along the way.  He kept me entertained with his fantastic stories.  He bought me my first soda in 6 years - a very delicious Mugs Root Beer and made me realize that soda is like an energy drink....only better!  Without Gene, I certainly would never have gotten over this RAGBRAI Hump Day and was able to continue the rest of the week with relative ease - at least mentally!

• On that same day, we were joined by another teammate at a little past the halfway point when the day began to heat up....and the wind just continued blowing.  This gentleman is a true cyclist and trains on the hills in Tennessee and Kentucky.  A bit different than the terrain of flat middle of nowhere corn-country that I ride in.  He could have just chatted with us for a moment and been on his way.....been back to the camp and enjoyed a shower, a few beers and the company of our team.  But no.....although I suggested numerous times that he go ahead, he would not.  He stayed with me the remainder of the day and helped me improve my cycling.  These two men were willing to stop whenever I needed to - in case you didn't know, I HATE running, cycling etc in the heat.  Give me a 40 - 50 degree day and I am in heaven!  As we went up hills, Don could have hammered right up them but he stayed at my side and actually offered to push me up.  Much to his dismay, I did get off and walk up one....but I was going so slow I suspected I was going to fall over.  

• The Lenox Bike Club.....a group of complete strangers that without any questions - other than whether I was a Hawkeye or Cyclone fan (I got lucky and said whichever team has LIVESTRONG colors) - provided me a ride back to camp with their team when I ran out of steam.  If they had not, I would have sat waiting for the SAG bus for hours upon hours.  As a matter of fact, I came across this bus two other days and they remembered me - even asked if I needed a ride again.  

• The lovely lady in the second town we stopped in that approached me and my friend as we sat in her shaded yard.  We were just 2 of 10,000 that rode by her house that morning yet she approached us with an offer to use her bathroom.  Just opened her home to two complete strangers.  Then proceeded to fill our water bottles with ice and water.  

• The amazing families across Iowa that turned on their sprinklers and hoses to cool us all of as the temperatures rose.

• The various teammates that took the time to set-up my tent for me while I was still out pedaling across Iowa because I was so much slower than everyone else.  What a fabulous treat!

• Numerous teammates that gave me hugs, high-fives and encouragement although I was the last one back each day.  They had more faith in my abilities to succeed that I had in myself.

• The complete stranger  from Wisconsin that rode up alongside me around mile 20 and took a thoughtful moment to ask who Brian was (I had a "In Memory of Brian" card on my bike).  We had a wonderful time chatting and before I knew it, I had ridden 90 miles - 70 with this stranger that I know consider a friend.

• Our team mechanic.  He humored me and my complete lack of bike knowledge - always willing to make the tiny adjustments to my bike that I should have been able to handle on my own.

The list goes on and on and on.  Numerous teammates pulled me up hills during headwinds, gave me cycling tips along the way, entertained me with funny stories.  Little did they know I was on the verge of tears at times - that I just wanted to quit.  

THIS is why I spent my summer vacation riding my bike across Iowa.  Otherwise I never would have met these incredible human beings.....my life would be that more empty for not having crossed paths with these people - some for only a moment or two. 

It reminded me that in a world that we are surrounded by reality t.v., terrible  senseless shootings and bullying, in reality, people are good.  People are generous.  People are thoughtful and loving.  You just need to open yourself up and find them!

There is no question in my mind that I will participate in RAGBRAI again with Team LIVESTRONG.....just to rekindle my spirit through all these amazing souls!

The Best Bet I Ever Lost

Once again I have been absent....and I apologize.

There really hasn't been anything too exciting to write about.

Just life.  Ups and downs.....craziness of kids out of school for the summer.....changes at work....birthday celebrations.....wedding anniversary....memories.....getting through each day.

Some days were easier than others.  But none of this is new.....the blog posts from the past year could apply on some of these days.

However, I just returned from an amazing inspiring adventure last week that was an incredible challenge for me....and most certainly the hardest thing I have ever done physically.

If you recall, earlier I mentioned that 2012 was the The Year of the Bike.  This runner chic was going to let wheels get her around instead of her own two feet.

A little background.  It all began with a bet.  A little bet over a few adult beverages.  This bet was with a few LIVESTRONG cycling friends.  The deal offered was if all three ran a marathon within a year, I would ride my bike at RAGBRAI - a little bike ride across the state of Iowa....471 miles to be exact.  Perhaps it was the beverages, but I recognized that marathons are hard for runners, let alone cyclists that have never run.  At this time, it was most definitely the beverages fault.  I said "Marathons are really hard.  How about you all have to run a half marathon, and then I'll do RAGBRAI?"

The deal was sealed with a toast.....and promptly forgotten by me....until we were all together again last October.  And it resurfaced....and strangely enough, while we were enjoying a few more adult beverages.  Hmmmm.....I see a theme here.

I still didn't believe they would complete this task.  Granted, one of the guys had fulfilled his end of the bargain and completed a half marathon, but I chalked that up to him trying to impress a girl....and apparently he did because they are now a very happy couple.

Still, certainly the other two would not run a half marathon.  OK boys, game on!  Again, I blame the beverages - a little liquid courage I suppose.

Fast forward to February....the LIVESTRONG Austin Half Marathon.  I was participating both as a runner (very slowly as I was wearing a tutu and planking each mile as part of my fundraising efforts for LIVESTRONG....see my post) and as the Team LIVESTRONG fundraising mentor.  As an experienced runner with 20 half marathons and 4 marathons under my belt, I could have easily provided these novices some bad advice - like "you should really consider drinking milk the morning of the race to prep your body."

Nope....no bad advice from me.

And guess what.

They both finished.   (Although I am still a little suspicious of one of the boys.  I never did see him before or during the race.....just at the end.  How do I know for sure he got that medal around his neck by crossing the finish line?  Did he offer someone a few bills for that medal?  He is a pretty stand-up guy so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt).

Uh-oh.....I was now on the hook.

This runner that only rode her bike once or twice a year - and the longest ride was one 65 mile - was in deep trouble.

And so my journey to become a cyclist began.

I have not run at all since that half marathon with the exception of the Champaign Half Marathon in April - on VERY limited training....and dressed as Wonder Woman (another fundraising moment).  To top it off, I was knocked out with a mysterious case of mono in March so no exercise but lots of sleep for an entire month.  

When April rolled around, it was no surprise to me that I was in the worst shape I had been in for years.  However, I started going to Spinning classes, rode hill workouts on the stationary bike and hit the weight room.

May rolled around and I was dusting off my bike, starting to rack up the necessary mileage.  I joined a woman's cycling group in town, the Spokeswomen, and  began doing some long rides instead of long runs on the weekends.  My alarm started going off at 4:45 am during the week in order to get in a 25 mile ride before I had to get kids off to camps and myself to work.

Before I knew it, July 20th was upon me.  I loaded up my bike, my tent, and my very stylish spandex padded bike shorts and headed west to Iowa.

The journey was just beginning.

As it turned out, this became the best bet I have ever lost.

Too much to share in one post so please stay tuned for recaps of this inspiring experience!

My Father's Day "Aha!" Moment

We have all been amused by watching a baby roll over for the first time, haven't we?

The proud parents, kneeling nearby, grins on their faces.  What an accomplishment!

Of course, there is that period of time when they are soooo very close to figuring it out.  But they just don't have enough  "umph" to finish the roll.

We parents just sit there and watch with anticipation....to be proud parents.  Knowing that this is our first opportunity to let our kids be successful.  They need to learn how to do things on their own, right?

Eventually, due to perseverance, they get it.  The roll is complete!  They did it!  We parents grin even more....and clap....and more than likely have gotten it on video (in my case my huge video camera - which was quite compact at the time but today more than likely on an iPhone and immediately put on Facebook or YouTube to share with the world).

We celebrate and forget - forget that now they need to roll back over.  The baby lies on his/her belly...stuck.

Have you ever wondered what they are thinking at that exact moment?  What they are feeling?

I imagine although we think it is an enormous accomplishment, the baby is thinking "uh oh....now what.  I'm stuck."

Why in the world am I thinking of this?


Unfortunately, this past 18 months I have been feeling very stuck.  I feel as though I rolled over and can't figure out how to roll back.  I start to feel like I'm moving forward, then I hit a stand-still, perhaps slip backwards a little, then bounce forward again, just to start the vicious cycle all over again.

This has been what my life has been like for the past 8 years - what the aftermath of cancer has created in my life, in my kids lives, in the circle around me - my poor friends have been the recipients of the good and bad.

A difficult and unfortunate break-up caused me to question quite a bit about myself, my ability to share my emotions ever again, to trust ever again, and of course the common question of "what is wrong with me?"   18 months later and that one unfortunate slip in trusting others continues to erode my confidence in myself.  It has caused me to doubt myself about a multitude of things each day, and has caused me to put up walls that will more than likely never come down.  Again a vicious cycle....self-doubt, lack of trust, walls causes loneliness.....which causes sadness, self-doubt, etc etc etc.

The continued loneliness that surrounds me - especially on weekends - just makes it worse.  Everywhere I go, I seem to see people together....and I wonder why I don't deserve that happiness.

No, this isn't a pity party....and I know not everyone else is happy either.  But, being in a state of being "stuck" in life makes you wonder about a lot of things.


So why am I share this with you today of all days?  Why today is Father's Day.

Which makes me think of my father (of course) and my late spouse, the wonderful father to my three children.

Both provided me unconditional support - although I will admit it has taken being a parent myself  to recognize all the support and guidance my own father provided me.  Both provided me confidence in myself.  Neither ever doubted my abilities.  Both had bucket load of confidence in me and my abilities.  Both never saw obstacles in my way.  Both loved me unconditionally.

I suppose both would have assumed that that baby would be able to roll back over effortlessly.

BUT, I am resolved to become unstuck.  I am frustrated that I have allowed life to begin passing me by.

And I realize that both my father and Brian would be upset with me for doubting my abilities.

Do you know what is funny about this situation?  As a parent, I never allow my children to doubt their abilities.  They are capable of doing anything they want.

And SO AM I!

I described today to someone with this exact quote - "Kids going about day as normal.  Me....sadness lurks underneath of what today could have been when I see others."

And to that I say - "DAMN YOU CANCER!"
 
More importantly, to the Father's out there (and father figures) I say this - "Never ever doubt the impact you are having on another's life.  The love and support you provide will always be an amazing safety net to your children."

Thank you Dad for providing me my safety net....and Brian for adding on to that net while creating one for each of our own children.  It is this safety net and my awareness of it that it going to get me to roll back over.

Happy Mother's Day to Our Other Mothers

"A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it." 

 ~ Frank Howard Clark

Happy Mother's Day!


Last year I wrote a blog about my sisters and the importance they play in my life without a mother - my mother being stolen from our family when she was just 39 years old.  She left behind a loving husband and 5 children - ranging in ages from 14 to 3.


Recently  I realize that I left out a large group of amazing women that encouraged me, helped me find my way, and accepted me into their own families.  I feel awful for not including them.  So this is not only a year late but decades late -  thank you to Mrs. FitzPatrick, Mrs. Forrester and Mrs. Ferrell (strangely this is the first time I realized they all had last names that began with the letter F).  


 These women had their own children to worry about, their own households to run yet they all had the wonderful ability to share their motherly love with me.  Inclusion in family dinners, vacations, just sitting around "hanging out" with their families as though I was part of their families.  Helping me through difficult times of my own,  providing advice or just somehow knowing that I needed to be around a mother.  


I remember one instance after my father and step-mother divorced, I was going to the local fireworks display with the FitzPatrick family.  As we unloaded from the car, Mrs. FitzPatrick blocked my door and made me go out the other side.  I didn't realize what was going on, but found out later it was because my stepmother was exiting the car next to ours.  She immediately went into protect mode as though I was her own child.


Another time I was in a car accident during a snow storm I had no reason driving in.  I was scared to call my father - who wouldn't be?  My friends Jodi, Jenny and I returned to their house and their mother, Mrs. Faust, immediately called my father to break the news.   Moms always have a way of calming dads down....and it was difficult not having a mom at home to go into that nurturing mode.  


My own children are blessed with similar "other mothers."  These women have families of their own....are balancing the work and the craziness of running a household.....running to the over-scheduled events our children are now involved in these days.  Yet, whenever I need help....whenever my children need help....these women come to the rescue.


A ride here or there....a place to crash....a hug....an inside joke....a sharing of an accomplishment...or in times of unrest in our household (which believe me occurs when you have a few teenagers and a grieving mother), a voice of reason.


I love these women - and you know who you are.  And my children love you too.  


We would be lost without you.  


As we celebrate Mother's Day in the Simmons household, know that we also celebrate the "Other Mother's" in our lives as well.


As the African proverb states, it does take a village to raise a child.

The Year of the Bike....RunningSTRONG on Two Wheels

“Challenges make you discover things about yourself that you never really knew. They're what make the instrument stretch-what make you go beyond the norm.”

This year I am taking on a new challenge.  Not that running a half marathon every month or running full marathons is not challenging....they are.

I lost a bet....a bet that in hindsight, I am actually glad that I lost.

Last year I entered into a little wager with some cycling friends of mine.  They offered up to each run a marathon in exchange for me riding RAGBRAI - a 7 day bike ride across the state of Iowa.  I took them up on it but recognized that running a marathon is hard - even for a runner like myself.  So, I let them off the hook a little.  They just needed to each run a half marathon.

Well, they all did.  And I think they all appreciated how difficult running can be.

And I am glad that they accomplished this goal.  All three tried something new.  All three worked extremely hard at being successful.

And better yet, I am taking on a challenge I NEVER would have considered before.

And I am excited about it!

I am not very comfortable as a cyclist (first of all, it took me three years and some coaching by one of these friends to learn to call myself a cyclist instead of a biker).   I don't understand all the intrincities of cycling.  Running - piece of cake.  I put on my shoes and go.  Well, I guess it really isn't that easy, but when you are comfortable with something, it is easy, right?

So, I am allowing myself to get out of my comfort zone.  This July, I will be riding 471.1 miles across July, more than likely in the middle of a Midwest heatwave.  In addition, I'll be pitching a tent each evening.....this is actually more scary for me!  I don't mind camping, as long as someone else is doing all the setting up.  So, yet another challenge for me.

Isn't life about getting out of your comfort zone?  I think so.  And this is exactly what I need....to push myself out of my comfort zone...to get "unstuck."  Just one of many changes I'll be making this year - but that is another blog post entirely!

Not only am I riding across Iowa as a challenge to myself, but also to spread awareness about LIVESTRONG and raise funds to allow this outstanding organization to provide support to those battling cancer.

I am still "RunningSTRONG" as I'll be doing a few running events this year - Hood to Coast and the Chicago Marathon - but my focus will be on the bike.  I'm "RunningSTRONG on Two Wheels"...it is the year of the bike!

More details to come but there will be several opportunities for you to provide support to me along the way.  I plan on blogging about my journey as well as share more information about LIVESTRONG.

I will be riding 471.1 miles for cancer survivors.....do you have someone you would like me to ride for?  If so, keep following....more details to come!  

I look forward to sharing this journey with you and hope you'll follow along!

Support Barb as she takes on RAGBRAI - Team LIVESTRONGf.livestrong.org/site/TR/Grassroots/General?px=1002527&pg=personal&fr_id=1200

Mom Guilt or Your Judgement.

Mom guilt.

Something all mother's have.

A present given to us in the delivery room along with our bundle of joy.

I have found that my level of mom guilt has increased over time....and since Brian's passing.

As a single....or perhaps a better description is "an only parent"....I have found taking time for myself as a incredibly valuable component of being a better parent. This is not a new concept. Brian clearly understood this concept and encouraged me to head out on my own for the day or a few hours every now and again. As I encouraged him to do the same with weekly golf outings with his friends. Just because we get married and become parents does not mean we give ourselves up 100%.

cancer was so kind to cause me to become the sole breadwinner and only caregiver for three children. Two teenage boys don't really understand the idea that there is more to this world than the foot circumference around themselves....and they are apparently are the only ones this family revolves around.

My world is stressful....as is everyones. And it takes a toll on my health and emotional well being.

So, in order to keep sane, I run. And I run races. And I try to find a few races and LIVESTRONG events throughout the year that allow me to reunite with friends. And yes, I go on these weekends quite often without my children.

And no, I don't feel guilty about it.

And, my children understand. Often times they have activities that conflict and they make the choice not to join me. And other times they are looking forward to a vacation from their stressed out mom. Other times they look forward to a vacation from each other and spend time with friends....they are siblings after all.

So my children don't make me feel guilty either.

So why the mom guilt? Well this comes along with the questions asked of me. Questions like "what are doing with your kids!?!?" or " you mean you are going without your kids!?!?!"

Do you ask your divorced friends this when they go on weekends away on their every other weekend free? Does anyone ever question single parents due to divorce why they feel they completely have no parenting responsibilities when the kids are at the exes? Nope. I bet you don't.

Does anyone ask those same questions of a married couple when they take a guy or girls weekend. Nope....I suppose not. And no one ever asked these of me when Brian was alive.

I can tell the difference between those close to me that have watched the kids when I'm gone just being curious and supporting my decisions from those that find my choices questionable.

Public service announcement.....until you have walked in my shoes, do not cast judgement just as I do not cast judgment on your decisions. It actually makes me feel terrible.

Just had to get that off my chest. It's been gnawing at me for a month now.