Let me start off by sharing a strange realization today....as I sat down to write this post, I noticed I wrote a post exactly 5 years ago.....with similar themes. Strange that the feelings I wrote 5 years ago still exist today....both hopefully a good read and insight to how grieving can effect holiday celebrations.
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These days I am feeling a bit like Charlie Brown ~
"I think there must be something wrong with me. Christmas is coming but I'm not happy. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel."
Every day this year since the holidays began being blasted in my face, I have had a daily "bah humbug" moment.
I have been trying to ignore it but I just cannot.
It is everywhere - the Christmas lights on my neighbors homes streaming through my windows, holiday tunes playing in every store, bells jingling as I walk into any store - even when I am doing routine errands.
Don't get me wrong. I am not anti-Christmas. I love the lights. I love the decorations. I love the music. I love the cheesy movies. I love the preparation. I love the baking.
Just not this year.
The past two years I have become a bit of a hermit. I have stopped running, only occasionally cycling, and pretty much have discontinued social activities.
I think it has always been there.....this incredibly social personality of mine struggling to hide....the expectations of society for social interaction. I get it. Being social and active does a person good. There is no doubt in my mind - which is why I have always been social and active.
But with that comes a tipping point.....and I hit mine a few years ago.
Becoming a bit of a hermit actually is a bit of a relief at times. Although it comes with its share of loneliness, the exhaustion that comes with being "up" and pretending all is wonderful, is overwhelming when you are just not feeling it.
And honestly, I am still grieving.
Grieving? Really Barb?
Yes.
The grieving NEVER goes away. It subsides but it is always there...waiting...the ache of missing the life you planned....the heartbreak of losing the love of your life....the doing everything alone....the celebrating your childrens accomplishments alone. It isn't easy to move forward. It isn't easy to live life alone without the one you promised to love until death do you part. Unfortunately, that promise doesn't take into account the other half of the equation left behind. Is it terrible that sometimes I think I got the short end of the stick....that the grieving and loneliness is far more difficult?
What's my point with all of this?
It is not to gain pity from anyone - absolutely the opposite! Pity only makes it worse.
It is to make friends, family and complete strangers aware that the joy of the holidays can be very joyless to many. That putting up a tree, wrapping presents, baking cookies, shopping, etc. takes an emotional toll on many - because putting on a "show" for the holidays is exhausting - even when you aren't struggling with the loneliness of it all.
December 26 is always a very welcome date to me.
I decided to write this blog today because I find the act of sharing these feelings to be personally cathartic, an elephant off my shoulders.....and hopefully, open others eyes to think differently about how others act during the holidays. Some of us just don't enjoy it nearly as much and you really cannot escape the Christmas spirit - it is everywhere! The holidays can feel like a chore instead of the celebration it should be.
My tree is up. Cookies are baking, Wreath on the front door. Shopping complete. Christmas dinner menu in the works.
Check, check, check, check.....all with a heavy heart and no joy.
I have tried very hard to not allow my holiday blues effect my childrens' holiday experiences. I am sure I have not always been successful and for that, and all the other difficulties they have had to encounter because of the unfortunate life circumstances they were dealt, I worry and carry a lot of mom guilt.
My ask of all of you?
Take a moment to extend a simple smile, a kind word or another simple random act of kindness to those around you - yes even those that appear to be in great spirits.
Nothing extravagant....just spread a little more kindness this season....you never know how much it may be appreciated.
May you all have some level of love, laughter and happiness surrounding you today, tomorrow and everyday.
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Sunday, August 7, 2016
I RAGBRAI with Team LIVESTRONG because.....
"There are no strangers here. Only friends you have not yet met." ~ William Butler Yeats
It has been one week since I returned home from a week of isolation from the real world.
Camping each evening, rising before 6 am each morning, breaking down camp, and pedaling away eastward by 7:30 am in search of breakfast.
With 12,000 - 15,000 other cyclists. Most of them strangers. With the exception of my fellow teammates that made up 2016 RAGBRAI Team LIVESTRONG.
With 12,000 - 15,000 other cyclists. Most of them strangers. With the exception of my fellow teammates that made up 2016 RAGBRAI Team LIVESTRONG.
Five years ago I arrived at the team camp having signed up for RAGBRAI after being on the losing end of a bet....this runner had no business being on a bike, let alone for a week long ride across an entire state.
Five years ago I arrived at the team camp surrounded by strangers, with the exception of a few LIVESTRONG staffers - who also knew I had no business being on a bike.
Seven days later I left with an extended family....to add to the other LIVESTRONG families I have created over the years through other events and volunteer roles for the foundation.
Every year since that first year, there have been a few more strangers showing up at camp on day one.....and by day two, they are strangers no more.
One of our traditions every night is to have a team meeting to review logistics for the next day, reflect on the day's ride and adventures, and share personal stories about our own cancer journey. This year a teammate suggested we all share "I RAGBRAI with Team LIVESTRONG because...."
Not surprisingly there was a similar theme among the responses.
We all started our involvement for similar reasons - some were cancer survivors, others to pay tribute to a loved one that was impacted by cancer - currently in the fight, a survivor or stolen from us. We all were involved because we believed in LIVESTRONG and the services it provides to our communities.
We all started our involvement for similar reasons - some were cancer survivors, others to pay tribute to a loved one that was impacted by cancer - currently in the fight, a survivor or stolen from us. We all were involved because we believed in LIVESTRONG and the services it provides to our communities.
As we went around the campsite, there was another common theme in all our responses as to why we continue RAGBRAI'ing.......family.
LIVESTRONG has always been a family to me from that very first marathon I participated in 2009. The family has continued to grow with every event.
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. ~ Henri NouwenMy reality is not easy. It is not easy for my children. But it is what it is and somehow we muddle through every day. I'm not sure how different it would be if cancer had not stolen Brian from us. It may not have been any easier but it would have been different.
Riding my bike across Iowa is hard - but not reality hard. Illinois is flat. Iowa is not. Life is crazy and I don't always get enough training in. So why would I keep going?
I do not go to RAGBRAI for the cycling. I go to RAGBRAI for my family reunion. For my escape from reality. This is my summer camp. These folks let me escape. These people recognize that the other 51 weeks of the year, I'm pretty much on a tilt-a-whirl. These people don't care. These people love me. These people support me. These people make me laugh so hard my belly aches for 7 days. These people lift me up when I am down.
This year's RAGBRAI was the most difficult for me - under trained, overweight and a different mental frame of mind.
I had a particular tough ride on the first day - to the point I was on the verge of tears along the route, I wanted to give up. But this family.....this group of people.....they embraced me - on route and off route. They pulled over if they saw me on the side stopped, they encouraged me to take my time - to keep pushing on.
When I was the absolute last of the team to show up at our daily meet-up spot along the route - well beyond the time they all arrived - I was expecting it to be a solo stop. But there they were, In the perfect spot in the shade. A highlight of that miserable hot, difficult, emotional ride - hearing my name over the dim of the riders enjoying a well earned beverage along the route.
As soon as I got to the group, the tears began spilling out of me. The heat, the reality that this was harder than I was ready for and the feeling of defeat had overcome me.
This group. This team. This family. They understood. They embraced me. They let me feel down. They made me laugh. They waited. They got me back on my bike. They inspired me. They propped me back up. They got me through the week.
This is why I RAGBRAI. This is why I LIVESTRONG.
This year's RAGBRAI was the most difficult for me - under trained, overweight and a different mental frame of mind.
I had a particular tough ride on the first day - to the point I was on the verge of tears along the route, I wanted to give up. But this family.....this group of people.....they embraced me - on route and off route. They pulled over if they saw me on the side stopped, they encouraged me to take my time - to keep pushing on.
When I was the absolute last of the team to show up at our daily meet-up spot along the route - well beyond the time they all arrived - I was expecting it to be a solo stop. But there they were, In the perfect spot in the shade. A highlight of that miserable hot, difficult, emotional ride - hearing my name over the dim of the riders enjoying a well earned beverage along the route.
As soon as I got to the group, the tears began spilling out of me. The heat, the reality that this was harder than I was ready for and the feeling of defeat had overcome me.
This group. This team. This family. They understood. They embraced me. They let me feel down. They made me laugh. They waited. They got me back on my bike. They inspired me. They propped me back up. They got me through the week.
This is why I RAGBRAI. This is why I LIVESTRONG.
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Push Barb Across Iowa!!
For the fifth year in a row, my week vacation involves camping in rural Iowa, sleeping on the ground in stifling, windless, humid July nights, and cycling each day 50 - 90 miles a day to get myself from western Iowa to the Mississippi.
I can imagine what is going through your head....."she's crazy," "has she lost her flipping mind?," and "what is she thinking?"
You are all correct in thinking those sentiments.
The reason I keep spending my summer vacation in this fashion is because I can't imagine NOT spending a week in this fashion.
A week surrounded by like-minded cancer hating friends (whom where all strangers when I started this). No, not friends......FAMILY.
I ride for Team LIVESTRONG.
I ride for those than cannot.
I ride to educate and advocate for an organization that has identified gaps in the resources needed by the cancer community.....and fills these gaps.
I'll do the riding. I'll pitch my tent. I'll sleep on the ground. I'll shower in high school gyms. I'll get up each morning and do it over again, and again, and again.
But in order to do this, I need to raise at least $1,000. In years past, I have been over $7,000. This year I'm only at $183!!
Why??
I am riding 468 miles across Iowa in July to support LIVESTRONG and raise funds needed to continue providing these FREE services.
FREE navigation services that provide assistance to survivors, caregivers and health professionals. Services that go beyond a diagnosis.
LIVESTRONG Navigation Services saw a 40% increase in usage this past year, which means even more people were provided tools to assist in their cancer battle. These services are free due to donations.
Sadly, the number of people that get cancer each year continues to rise (1 out of every 2 humans will get cancer - look around you......someone in the room with you WILL get cancer). In 2015, it was estimated there would be an estimated 1,658,370 new cancer cases diagnosed and 589,430 cancer deaths in the US.
These cancer survivors, their caregivers, their families and their health care providers need the services provided by LIVESTRONG.
But again, I can only ride and support the foundation if I raise the funds. So how can you help?
Well, simply....make a donation.
It's that easy. Click the link below and donate whatever you can afford.....$10, $20, $50, $100, $500. It all helps!
PUSH BARB ACROSS IOWA
Please leave a comment below for anyone I can ride in their honor or memory. Knowing I am helping others makes it that much easier to get up the hills, to keep pedaling each day. And knowing I am honoring your loved ones makes it all that more special for me.....it helps push me!
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Remembering When.....and Now
Almost 5 years to the date on October 28, 2010, I began this blog with my first post 200 Miles to Kick Cancer's Butt....how it all began
Way back then, I decided to run a half marathon a month in 2011 to raise funds for LIVESTRONG, raise awareness of their services, and honor the memory of my spouse, sister and parents - all lost to cancer.
I proposed to race 211 miles and I accomplished it while raising over $11,000. The races were book-ended by two marathons on opposite coasts , LA in an unusually cold monsoon rainstorm and NYC - coast to coast. In between included my first Quad Cities half (which has become a regular), an indoor half running around a speed skating rink, Hood to Coast (well not quite a race but lots of mileage), another in 40 mph winds, as well as several new races.
Fast forward five year to today. Big accomplishment achieved. I dusted off my shoes and finished a 3.1 mile run. And it was hard.
No music so I began thinking - A LOT - on that short (but seemingly never ending) run, Exactly how many runs have I completed this year.
Thirteen.
Yes, you read that correctly. 13!
Basically one run a month.
Geez. What happened?
If you have been reading this blog over the years, you know there has been a lot of soul searching, some very delayed grief induced depression, lack of motivation, a broken toe and an extra 20 plus pounds.
As I look back upon year and last, I cannot really differentiate one year from the other. Somehow, lack of goals and motivation has made it incredibly easy to say "I'll workout tomorrow." And has left me wondering how did I waste so much time doing nothing?
Life has been a bit more stressful these past few years. I know, we all have stress. I unfortunately have not coped very well with it. It has caused me to become a hermit, to get too comfortable being lazy, to eat junk food, to sleep too much (wait, is that really possible?). I know these are all excuses but reality. A reality so many struggle with.
I am grateful I have this blog to reflect back on - it really made me realize how much I had accomplished vs what I've accomplished in 2014 and 2015. Made me realize how quickly life can change if you allow it to take control of you.
So as I did five years ago, I am setting a goal. It is not nearly as impressive as that goal from 2010, but it will cause me to make some much needed changes in my life at the moment.
My goal for the remainder of 2015 is to complete as many runs as I have done so already this year.
13 runs. That's it. Doesn't sound like much but considering it took me 10 months to do 13, getting another 13 in over two months as the colder weather takes hold will be a major accomplishment for me.
2016 - well lets see if I can accomplish the rest of 2015 first but I have some ideas......
As for the rest of you, take a moment to reflect on the year - don't wait until it is over! Are there some changes you want to make or goals you set out back in January that have slipped away? Leave me a comment below and let's help each other be accountable!.
Way back then, I decided to run a half marathon a month in 2011 to raise funds for LIVESTRONG, raise awareness of their services, and honor the memory of my spouse, sister and parents - all lost to cancer.
I proposed to race 211 miles and I accomplished it while raising over $11,000. The races were book-ended by two marathons on opposite coasts , LA in an unusually cold monsoon rainstorm and NYC - coast to coast. In between included my first Quad Cities half (which has become a regular), an indoor half running around a speed skating rink, Hood to Coast (well not quite a race but lots of mileage), another in 40 mph winds, as well as several new races.
Fast forward five year to today. Big accomplishment achieved. I dusted off my shoes and finished a 3.1 mile run. And it was hard.
No music so I began thinking - A LOT - on that short (but seemingly never ending) run, Exactly how many runs have I completed this year.
Thirteen.
Yes, you read that correctly. 13!
Basically one run a month.
Geez. What happened?
If you have been reading this blog over the years, you know there has been a lot of soul searching, some very delayed grief induced depression, lack of motivation, a broken toe and an extra 20 plus pounds.
As I look back upon year and last, I cannot really differentiate one year from the other. Somehow, lack of goals and motivation has made it incredibly easy to say "I'll workout tomorrow." And has left me wondering how did I waste so much time doing nothing?
Life has been a bit more stressful these past few years. I know, we all have stress. I unfortunately have not coped very well with it. It has caused me to become a hermit, to get too comfortable being lazy, to eat junk food, to sleep too much (wait, is that really possible?). I know these are all excuses but reality. A reality so many struggle with.
I am grateful I have this blog to reflect back on - it really made me realize how much I had accomplished vs what I've accomplished in 2014 and 2015. Made me realize how quickly life can change if you allow it to take control of you.
So as I did five years ago, I am setting a goal. It is not nearly as impressive as that goal from 2010, but it will cause me to make some much needed changes in my life at the moment.
My goal for the remainder of 2015 is to complete as many runs as I have done so already this year.
13 runs. That's it. Doesn't sound like much but considering it took me 10 months to do 13, getting another 13 in over two months as the colder weather takes hold will be a major accomplishment for me.
2016 - well lets see if I can accomplish the rest of 2015 first but I have some ideas......
As for the rest of you, take a moment to reflect on the year - don't wait until it is over! Are there some changes you want to make or goals you set out back in January that have slipped away? Leave me a comment below and let's help each other be accountable!.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Lessons from the Bike
I don't often go for long bike rides on country rides alone but this evening I did.
Not too far but 20 plus miles squeezed in after work, camp pick-up, dinner and car-pooling to basketball practice.
A rare night this month without threat of a monsoon rain and flash flood warnings. Clear blue skies, perfect temps, a light breeze from the north and sunshine. Rare indeed.
As I set off on my bike, my intention was to gather up a few miles to get my out of shape body at least familiar with my bike as I was heading off to Iowa next month (17 days to be exact) to meet up with fellow cancer haters and ride 490 miles across the state with Team LIVESTRONG....and 10,0000 of our closest new BFFs.
The night was perfect. It felt great to be back out on my bike after doing a 64 mile hilly and windy ride on Saturday. My legs felt good and I beginning to feel that maybe a week on the bike next month wasn't going to be as rough as I had imagined.
As much as I struggle running alone, I actually enjoy the solitude of cycling alone. I prefer to ride with friends but on this occasion, the solitude along with the perfect conditions and surrounded by nature, was a good thing.
As I rode, I realized how much I miss when I am riding with others. I love the social aspect of the group - sharing stories, getting advice, laughing and cheering each other on. But tonight, I realized there is so much beauty in these cornfields I have taken for granted. A horse I've never noticed aside a barn with unusually aged wood, gorgeous wildflowers among a small patch of trees on a small bluff surrounded by corn, the whirring of the windmills, and my own shadow elongated against the cornfields.
I never did see another person while I was out on that ride once I left town. Not another cyclist or anyone in their yards. Not even a dog chasing me - or even barking.
I was listening to the chirping of birds as they swooped up and down among the crops, the fluttering of monarch butterflies around me at different points on the route, and my own slight breathing as I churned my legs up an incline.. I finally began to realize how wonderful it was to be so disconnected....how stress of day-to-day life had lifted from my shoulders.
At this point, I was beginning to really appreciate the solitude and just truly enjoy the ride for being a ride.....not the "I need to get some miles on my legs and seat" and "have to" ride.
It was also at this point that I began passing the destination - the wildflower patch for which this "Wildflower Route" was named for. This patch never has looked the same but is always a pleasant and wonderful view amidst miles and miles of cornfields.
Just beyond the wildflowers is a winding hilly (by central Illinois standards) section of the rode that is always quiet and peaceful.
As I entered this section, I began to reflect that today was Brian's birthday and how I wish I had more time this evening to ride 49 miles in memory of what would have been his 49th birthday.
As I was thinking about Brian - suddenly a deer appeared galloping through the field in this very peaceful spot - I slowed my bike as to not startle him and watched with wonder the beauty of this creature as he pranced across the road and into the woods. It took me a moment to pick up my pace again - partially because I was being cautious that others may be right behind him, which was not the case, and because I just could not stop marveling at the sight I had just seen on my perfect solitude ride.
And to have seen this just as I began thinking of Brian.
I smiled, shook my head and said to out loud to myself "Thank you Brian" for I truly believe that was one of those signs he has thrown at me over the years to remind me that life is beautiful, that he is watching over us.
A sign to slow down and appreciate what is around me. To take to enjoy the solitude that surrounds me more often than I am comfortable.
Of course, as I was sharing this story with my 17 year old, we both began to chuckle a little.....it sounded a bit to familiar...as though I was sharing a "Harry Potter" moment.... my very own patronus.
Regardless, this little ride tonight along with my "patronus" has lighted my mood and caused me to slowdown and appreciate the world around me.....apparently I needed some reminding!
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Good for the Soul
Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold, happiness dwells in the soul. ~ Democritus
Soul searching has been on my mind quite a bit lately.
I'm not sure what I am searching for but I know it is goodness, it is happiness, it is effortless, it is comfortable. I know it is not a possession. It is not a material matter.
Deep down I think we all are searching, we are all looking for the answer to life....what is it that will make each moment on this earth worthwhile.
It is different to all of us, just as we each have a favorite color (red for me) or favorite song that can turn your mood instantly (Just Like Heaven by The Cure for me).
But what makes me tick.....what makes me jump out of bed ready to tackle the world.....that my friends, I am still searching for.
Cut to this morning.
Cold. Gloomy. Down right dreary.
It has the look and feel of the March, not the last day of May.
It was a morning to curl up on my couch under a blanket, drink coffee and watch mindless television. It was a day that didn't have me jumping out of bed to tackle the world. It was a day I wanted to hide from the world.
There is "stuff" going on - typical stuff that isn't to worry about - but still wants you want to hide from reality. Let's be honest - a few teenagers and a pre-teen makes a mom worry.
It was a day that my soul felt very lost.
Then I happened to check Facebook.....a ride with some fantastic ladies was taking place this morning. I had been excited about it but the weather had me firmly placed on my couch.
I noticed one particular friend I hadn't seen in awhile was attending. And that's just what I needed.
I got off the couch, grabbed my gear and off I went to meet the group.
So glad I got off the couch and on my bike - although it wasn't fast or far today - it was just what my soul needed.
Good friends, great conversation and some fresh air.....it's good for the soul!
It was goodness, it was happiness, it was effortless, it was comfortable.
I still haven't figured out the answers, but for this one hour today, "it" was present.
Thank you ladies - you know who you are - for making this dreary blah day a bit brighter and getting me back on my blog!
Sunday, March 15, 2015
An Accidental Absence of Solitude
I'm back.
Back from a much too long absence.
An accidental absence.
I haven't gone anywhere during this absence.
I haven't made any major life changes during either.
It has a been an absence of solitude.
Solitude or maybe perhaps better defined as loneliness.
So I return.
I return to this blog because getting the words down has made a difference in the past. Maybe no one will read them - that's OK. Somehow getting my thoughts out in the world helps. Strange but true. Perhaps that is because when I do, I realize I am not really as alone as I think I am. That others feel the same way or if nothing else, now have a better idea of what widowhood is like.
It has a been a slow decent.
I thought the worst years were behind me.
But I was wrong.
This past August marked the beginning of my tenth year as a widow. Ten years of solitude. I originally thought this was going to be a big year - that I was going to feel great about this milestone.
I had survived ten years of an unwelcome life as a single parent due to the hands of cancer. I had survived parenting alone for ten years. I survived the "crazy over scheduled" years with three kids involved in baseball, theater, swimming and art classes. I survived the teenage boy years, the learning to drive years, the applying to college years. I haven't quite survived the preteen girl years - that one is an enigma that I'm still trying to navigate. I barely survived the "getting out there and dating" - that one wasn't fun and but I tried it.
I have reached personal accomplishments I never dreamed of before Brian's passing. Traveling alone, marathons, cycling, sharing my personal story.
The most difficult years were behind me.
Or so I thought.
The past few years I've noticed more downs than ups.
More personal disappointment.
More boredom.
And feeling very stuck....trapped....in a life that doesn't feel like mine.
As I reflect back on the past year or two, each day seems the same. Just walking through life.
That needs to change. I need to change. What happens if I don't? Will those two years become five? ten? a lifetime?
I am not sure how I will do it but picking up this blog seems to be a start. The honestly needed to write these entries holds me accountable.
I will take baby steps....starting with exercising more regularly again. Then making some hard decisions on making major changes.
Honestly when we all look back on our lives, we all want it to have been full of life, right? Not full of being stuck in rut....watching the years pass by like a blink of an eye.
Have I lived a full life? Yes. But the question is, am I still living a full life? Nor really. I'm more likely to be sitting in my house doing nothing - like I was on this absolutely gorgeous spring day - wasting a perfectly fantastic day with not a single accomplishment other than a load of laundry, a trip to the grocery store and watching tv.
A reality check is needed. Until I truly reflected on the past two years, I didn't realize how unhappy I have been for so long. Without reflection, can any of us really change?
I'll keep you posted!
Back from a much too long absence.
An accidental absence.
I haven't gone anywhere during this absence.
I haven't made any major life changes during either.
It has a been an absence of solitude.
Solitude or maybe perhaps better defined as loneliness.
So I return.
I return to this blog because getting the words down has made a difference in the past. Maybe no one will read them - that's OK. Somehow getting my thoughts out in the world helps. Strange but true. Perhaps that is because when I do, I realize I am not really as alone as I think I am. That others feel the same way or if nothing else, now have a better idea of what widowhood is like.
It has a been a slow decent.
I thought the worst years were behind me.
But I was wrong.
This past August marked the beginning of my tenth year as a widow. Ten years of solitude. I originally thought this was going to be a big year - that I was going to feel great about this milestone.
I had survived ten years of an unwelcome life as a single parent due to the hands of cancer. I had survived parenting alone for ten years. I survived the "crazy over scheduled" years with three kids involved in baseball, theater, swimming and art classes. I survived the teenage boy years, the learning to drive years, the applying to college years. I haven't quite survived the preteen girl years - that one is an enigma that I'm still trying to navigate. I barely survived the "getting out there and dating" - that one wasn't fun and but I tried it.
I have reached personal accomplishments I never dreamed of before Brian's passing. Traveling alone, marathons, cycling, sharing my personal story.
The most difficult years were behind me.
Or so I thought.
The past few years I've noticed more downs than ups.
More personal disappointment.
More boredom.
And feeling very stuck....trapped....in a life that doesn't feel like mine.
As I reflect back on the past year or two, each day seems the same. Just walking through life.
That needs to change. I need to change. What happens if I don't? Will those two years become five? ten? a lifetime?
I am not sure how I will do it but picking up this blog seems to be a start. The honestly needed to write these entries holds me accountable.
I will take baby steps....starting with exercising more regularly again. Then making some hard decisions on making major changes.
Honestly when we all look back on our lives, we all want it to have been full of life, right? Not full of being stuck in rut....watching the years pass by like a blink of an eye.
Have I lived a full life? Yes. But the question is, am I still living a full life? Nor really. I'm more likely to be sitting in my house doing nothing - like I was on this absolutely gorgeous spring day - wasting a perfectly fantastic day with not a single accomplishment other than a load of laundry, a trip to the grocery store and watching tv.
A reality check is needed. Until I truly reflected on the past two years, I didn't realize how unhappy I have been for so long. Without reflection, can any of us really change?
I'll keep you posted!
Sunday, June 8, 2014
"Just Because I Love You...."
"Just because I love you."
How many times have we said this to another individual in our lives - the love of our life, a parent, a sibling, a child?
How many times have we overlooked saying it?
How many times have we overlooked showing our love?
How many times do we take love for granted?
10 years ago this week, I celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary with the love of my life. It was a day like any other day.
Wake up, shower, wake up our three kids (9, 6 and 10 months), chaos of getting out the door - breakfasts more than likely eaten in the back of the van. Splitting up kids and taking them to their respective camps, day care, practice, etc. Off to work.....work.....leave work to split up parenting duties to pick up kids, go to baseball, play rehearsal, swim practice, etc etc etc. Somehow fit in dinner on the run, baths and kids to bed....then off to bed ourselves.
I am sure somewhere along that normal crazy day in the life of working parents with three kids we realized it was a milestone anniversary and maybe there was a quick kiss on the run and a "Happy Anniversary" but nothing more. I wonder if we even acknowledged it that much!
I do know we both knew that life with three kids under 10 was crazy and had discussed that we would figure out a way to celebrate with a dinner or maybe even a weekend away some other year. But at this moment, it just wasn't possible.
Unfortunately, it never was possible.
Two months later, Brian was in the hospital for a very rare form of cancer and passed away within 2 weeks of his diagnosis.
My life is filled with regret - most I can accept and change direction or go back and have a "do over."
One of my biggest regrets I can't "do over."
Taking our love for one another for granted is number 1 on my regret list.
Tuesday would have been our 25th wedding anniversary.
To honor our missed opportunity of acknowledging our love to each other, I am asking that you help me in celebrating this lost milestone by making an unexpected gesture of love to someone important in your life "just because you love them."
A hug, a lingering kiss out of the blue, flowers, do the dishes, bring home dinner, or just simply tell them how much you love them and why they are so important to you.
Then please share your "Just because I love you" moment with me as a comment on my post or on my Facebook page.
For each moment that is shared with me , I will make a $5.00 to the LIVESTRONG Foundation in memory of Brian and our 25th anniversary.
For every $25 donation made to my LIVESTRONG fundraising account on June 10th, I'll donate another $5.00. (use this link to make a donation on-line)
Please don't ever take those you love for granted. I am living proof that you will regret it and you can't have a "do over."
By the way - I love all my friends and family for all the support you have given me these past ten years. Thank you and I LOVE YOU!
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Measuring Time
"Time is not measured by the passing of years but by what one does, what one feels, and what one achieves." ~ Jawaharial Nehru
Time....when you time about it, really think about it, it is a funny thing.
What is time?
We waste it, we set our day by it, we let time make decisions for us.
But today....today is a day that marks time for me and my family.
August 20, 2004...one of those days that changed our lives.
A day we refer back to....the before and after date.
I have a few others of those in my life - August 21, 1987, June 10, 1989, February 21, 1995, February 19, 1998, August 21, 2003 being others....the day I met Brian, the day we married, and each day another one of my children entered our lives.
Each one of these milestones is used as a point of reference - what life was life before and after we married, any of the kids were born. We all do it, don't we?
Well today marks the anniversary of one of those days. August 20, 2004...the day Brian passed away.
Just as the day I met Brian changed everything for me, the day he passed away changed everything too.
I am a much different version of me since that date.
Just as Brian made me a better person when he entered my life, he made me a different better person when he left my life.
It is strange thinking about how different we all would be if he were still alive. How different our life as a family would be.
Since August 20, 2004, I have taken up running. Something I had not done since high school. I have raced in over 20 half marathons, 5 marathons, and countless others.
I have risen from bed at 4:30 am to meet new friends (after Brian friends) to train in the dark.at 5 am.
This is a version of me that Brian never knew. Running a marathon was never in my bucket list before Brian passed. It was after.
What else?
I took up cycling. Yes, I knew how to ride a bike but never cycled. Since then I have cycled across Iowa twice (while camping), ridden numerous times in the Texas Hill Country and tackled the hills of Philadelphia with my LIVESTRONG pals.
And the LIVESTRONG connection. Well all those friends I have made through this wonderful organization, the community I have become a part of.....none of that existed before August 20, 2004.
I parachuted out of a plane.
I have traveled more.
I decided not to put life on hold anymore.
One of the things Brian and I talked about when he was in the hospital those last few days was all the things we had "planned" to do when the kids were older.
Well, August 20, 2004 changed all those plans.
I vowed afterward never to "put off" anything that really didn't need to be put off. I have lots of dreams, we all do. Many can't be accomplished right now.....but many can. So I began ticking those off my list.
Am I a better version of me? I don't necessarily think so. Just different.
It hasn't been easy these past 9 years. And I certainly could have made better decisions about a lot of things.
So today is a day of reflection....of a man we all miss and a life that has changed forever.
But this is also a week filled with new beginnings....our oldest is heading off to college.
He is ready to move on.....and I think so because since August 20, 2004, independence became a way of life for all of us....and helped prepare my son for life.
This milestone in his life reminds me that his dad and I met when we were just a few years older than he.....and that this chapter in his life is beginning......
.....a new "the day everything changed" is just around the corner for him.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Wait.....What Day is Today? Life Really Does Go On.....
It finally happened.
It only took 9 years.
And it took my 9 year old to make me realize it.
Today I went on a bike ride with my daughter, as we so often do.
A short 5 mile ride to grab lunch and hit the library.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
Along the way, we chatted....as we so often do.
I am always amused by the thoughts running through my 9 year old's head......especially while she is riding a bike (although I wish she would concentrate a bit more on keeping her line!).
About halfway through our ride, she advised me that it is only 10 days until her birthday. She is incredibly excited to be DOUBLE DIGITS!
Woo Whoo!!!
Wait a second.....
My mind began doing the math.....
If it was 10 days until her birthday, it was only 9 days until the anniversary of her dad's passing.
And that meant that the anniversary of his being diagnosed with cancer, had come and gone.....without a thought by me.
And the days from that terrible afternoon until this day, which were filled with just as terrible news and emotions, had also come and gone.....without a thought by me.
This was a first.
Each year since that terrible Friday afternoon on August 6, 2004 (The Day My World Began Moving in Slow Motion) and all the days leading up to the day Brian passed away on Friday, August 20, 2004, the first two weeks of August have been an awful walk down memory lane. And not a lane I'd want anyone else to ever have to visit.
Suddenly, for whatever reason, on the 9th anniversary of my husband's passing, I didn't remember the day he was suddenly admitted to the hospital. I didn't relive the moments the surgeon changed our lives from one filled with hope for a lifetime of memories to a panic of just days of survival. The sudden realization that I would have to make phone calls to share the news with his mother, his father, his brother, my family.....and worst of all, our children.
(see my past blogs that describe how I was feeling in previous years)
I am not sure what is different about this year than the past 8 years, but this year feels different.
And although I doubt I'll ever forget ever minute of those two weeks, at least this year, I get to remember them on my own terms.
I never believed this day would come.
I thought if it this day did ever come. I would feel guilty.....as though I had turned my back on Brian.
But honestly, it is an incredible relief.
I am sure the actual anniversary of his passing will come with a heavy heart - especially since this year we will not be spending it at the LIVESTRONG Challenge in Philadelphia surrounded by fantastic friends as we have the past three years.
Instead, it will be a regular day...driving kids around town, attending meetings at work, helping my oldest pack for college, getting out for a run or ride, and I am certain, finding time to fittingly honor Brian.
I live every day honoring this amazing man....the love of my life and the incredible father of our three equally amazing and unique children.
Thankfully I am able to finally do it without laboring over all the terrible minutes of those two weeks of pain.
Live really does go on....
It only took 9 years.
And it took my 9 year old to make me realize it.
Today I went on a bike ride with my daughter, as we so often do.
A short 5 mile ride to grab lunch and hit the library.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
Along the way, we chatted....as we so often do.
I am always amused by the thoughts running through my 9 year old's head......especially while she is riding a bike (although I wish she would concentrate a bit more on keeping her line!).
About halfway through our ride, she advised me that it is only 10 days until her birthday. She is incredibly excited to be DOUBLE DIGITS!
Woo Whoo!!!
Wait a second.....
My mind began doing the math.....
If it was 10 days until her birthday, it was only 9 days until the anniversary of her dad's passing.
And that meant that the anniversary of his being diagnosed with cancer, had come and gone.....without a thought by me.
And the days from that terrible afternoon until this day, which were filled with just as terrible news and emotions, had also come and gone.....without a thought by me.
This was a first.
Each year since that terrible Friday afternoon on August 6, 2004 (The Day My World Began Moving in Slow Motion) and all the days leading up to the day Brian passed away on Friday, August 20, 2004, the first two weeks of August have been an awful walk down memory lane. And not a lane I'd want anyone else to ever have to visit.
Suddenly, for whatever reason, on the 9th anniversary of my husband's passing, I didn't remember the day he was suddenly admitted to the hospital. I didn't relive the moments the surgeon changed our lives from one filled with hope for a lifetime of memories to a panic of just days of survival. The sudden realization that I would have to make phone calls to share the news with his mother, his father, his brother, my family.....and worst of all, our children.
(see my past blogs that describe how I was feeling in previous years)
I am not sure what is different about this year than the past 8 years, but this year feels different.
And although I doubt I'll ever forget ever minute of those two weeks, at least this year, I get to remember them on my own terms.
I never believed this day would come.
I thought if it this day did ever come. I would feel guilty.....as though I had turned my back on Brian.
But honestly, it is an incredible relief.
I am sure the actual anniversary of his passing will come with a heavy heart - especially since this year we will not be spending it at the LIVESTRONG Challenge in Philadelphia surrounded by fantastic friends as we have the past three years.
Instead, it will be a regular day...driving kids around town, attending meetings at work, helping my oldest pack for college, getting out for a run or ride, and I am certain, finding time to fittingly honor Brian.
I live every day honoring this amazing man....the love of my life and the incredible father of our three equally amazing and unique children.
Thankfully I am able to finally do it without laboring over all the terrible minutes of those two weeks of pain.
Live really does go on....
Saturday, June 22, 2013
What Parenting Tought Me About Being Second Best
It'll take a moment to get to my aha moment of parenting but I need to set the stage.....it's there....trust me....you just need to be patient.
This week has been an extremely difficult week.
I am certain there are others have far worse weeks than I.
I am certain that the reasons my week was awful is petty in compared to others.
And I am most certain, given the crappy circumstances I have been dealt throughout my life, that these experiences this week are not nearly as bad as those.
But, bad moments on top of other bad moments, really are tough to bounce back from when they come all at once.
Nothing life threatening.
Nothing tragic.
Just a lot of circumstances in which I was reminded that I was or am second best.
Second best in some situations is pretty nice - like in the Olympics or the lottery. In both those situations, yes, being first would have been nice but second still has it's perks.
Mine were not Olympic Silver moments....Nope....not even close.
I have had several situations over the past few years in which someone else decided I was second best
Well that's too bad for them, right? Yes, but in reality, it does hurt being second best.
This week I was reminded of several of those. One came flashing back by a simple song playing in a restaurant. The song reminded me of someone that I loved and have tried so desperately to forget and move on from. That one song brought back a floodgate of memories and pangs in my heart. All for someone that no longer even thinks of me, that loved me but I was an option and tossed me aside when something new and better came along. Second best.
Another was an awkward run-in with someone that actually had to make a choice and, yep, I was on the losing end of that one as well. Second best. The run-in was awkward because the first choice was at their side....and certainly didn't know the flustered mom saying hello was a second choice.
Another was a professional situation in which, by no purposeful intention, I was made to feel as though I was not as good others. And still another was a situation in which it was a surprise to me to find out that I was no longer a first choice.
All different circumstances.
All rather personal and as you can imagine humiliating, embarrassing and as human nature has it, any one of those would be enough to cause self doubt.
But the worst part of this week?
Seeing my child go through a similar situation and seeing the disappointment, anger, sadness, and self doubt creep in.
My son was involved in a competition that requires quite a bit of subjective judging. On any given day, the same speech could be considered a winner or enough to miss the cut depending on a judge.
That day, he just missed the cut. A matter of one or two points after days of competition and he was sitting in the hotel watching the Heat make the Spurs second best while others were prepping for the finals competition the next morning.
As I tried to console him, rather unsuccessfully I may add, I heard myself telling him I wish I could tell you life was fair, but it is not.
I wish I could tell you that this won't happen again in your lifetime, but it won't.
I wish I could tell you that everything will be ok, but you won't believe me.
I wish I could take the hurt away, but I can't. It will hurt. It will sting. It will fad away but every now and again, something will remind you - a song, a smell, a joke, a memory - and the hurt will come back....not as strong.....but it will come back.
Be sad, be angry, be disappointed....but eventually in a few days, wake up and vow to put that in the past. Accept it and allow that disappointment, anger and sadness to propel you forward to greater pastures.
Hmmmm......perhaps this is advice I should take?
So, here is my plan. I am going to make some changes. Changes in my day to day life. Changes in my professional life. Changes in how I make decisions, changes in my dreams. I'm going to write them down and look at them EVERYDAY.
And although being second best pretty much sucks (sorry but there isn't any better word to describe it), I am going to take being second best as a blessing.....as an inspiration to do greater things with my life.....to take the opportunity to do WHATEVER I want and do it as best as I can.
To those around me that thought I was second best (not that I think they are reading along), well, I hope they don't eventually realize what everyone else knows - that I'm first-class, fabulous. talented and incredibly smart - because then guess who will feel like second best....not me!
Wow, parenting teaches the parent!
This week has been an extremely difficult week.
I am certain there are others have far worse weeks than I.
I am certain that the reasons my week was awful is petty in compared to others.
And I am most certain, given the crappy circumstances I have been dealt throughout my life, that these experiences this week are not nearly as bad as those.
But, bad moments on top of other bad moments, really are tough to bounce back from when they come all at once.
Nothing life threatening.
Nothing tragic.
Just a lot of circumstances in which I was reminded that I was or am second best.
Second best in some situations is pretty nice - like in the Olympics or the lottery. In both those situations, yes, being first would have been nice but second still has it's perks.
Mine were not Olympic Silver moments....Nope....not even close.
I have had several situations over the past few years in which someone else decided I was second best
Well that's too bad for them, right? Yes, but in reality, it does hurt being second best.
This week I was reminded of several of those. One came flashing back by a simple song playing in a restaurant. The song reminded me of someone that I loved and have tried so desperately to forget and move on from. That one song brought back a floodgate of memories and pangs in my heart. All for someone that no longer even thinks of me, that loved me but I was an option and tossed me aside when something new and better came along. Second best.
Another was an awkward run-in with someone that actually had to make a choice and, yep, I was on the losing end of that one as well. Second best. The run-in was awkward because the first choice was at their side....and certainly didn't know the flustered mom saying hello was a second choice.
Another was a professional situation in which, by no purposeful intention, I was made to feel as though I was not as good others. And still another was a situation in which it was a surprise to me to find out that I was no longer a first choice.
All different circumstances.
All rather personal and as you can imagine humiliating, embarrassing and as human nature has it, any one of those would be enough to cause self doubt.
But the worst part of this week?
Seeing my child go through a similar situation and seeing the disappointment, anger, sadness, and self doubt creep in.
My son was involved in a competition that requires quite a bit of subjective judging. On any given day, the same speech could be considered a winner or enough to miss the cut depending on a judge.
That day, he just missed the cut. A matter of one or two points after days of competition and he was sitting in the hotel watching the Heat make the Spurs second best while others were prepping for the finals competition the next morning.
As I tried to console him, rather unsuccessfully I may add, I heard myself telling him I wish I could tell you life was fair, but it is not.
I wish I could tell you that this won't happen again in your lifetime, but it won't.
I wish I could tell you that everything will be ok, but you won't believe me.
I wish I could take the hurt away, but I can't. It will hurt. It will sting. It will fad away but every now and again, something will remind you - a song, a smell, a joke, a memory - and the hurt will come back....not as strong.....but it will come back.
Be sad, be angry, be disappointed....but eventually in a few days, wake up and vow to put that in the past. Accept it and allow that disappointment, anger and sadness to propel you forward to greater pastures.
Hmmmm......perhaps this is advice I should take?
So, here is my plan. I am going to make some changes. Changes in my day to day life. Changes in my professional life. Changes in how I make decisions, changes in my dreams. I'm going to write them down and look at them EVERYDAY.
And although being second best pretty much sucks (sorry but there isn't any better word to describe it), I am going to take being second best as a blessing.....as an inspiration to do greater things with my life.....to take the opportunity to do WHATEVER I want and do it as best as I can.
To those around me that thought I was second best (not that I think they are reading along), well, I hope they don't eventually realize what everyone else knows - that I'm first-class, fabulous. talented and incredibly smart - because then guess who will feel like second best....not me!
Wow, parenting teaches the parent!
Sunday, June 9, 2013
"The Crime of Loving is Forgetting"
"The crime of loving is forgetting." ~ Maurice Chevalier
About 27 years ago, give or take a year or a few months, my closest college friends and I were contemplating our futures. It was agreed - unanimously I may add - that of the 5 of us, I would be the last to marry and would always be a fabulous aunt, but never a mother.
Ironically, I was the first to marry and the first to have children...three no less!
Life certainly gives you surprises along the way (that would definitely explain why there is a rather large gap between by middle child and the youngest...Surprise!!).
My dreams and aspirations when I was 19 and 20 years old are considerable different that the 46 year old version of me.
The first major change in my dreams and hopes? Unexpectedly meeting this really great guy at a fraternity party in the second semester of our senior year in college. This frat boy and I had both been in Ithaca, NY over the same period of time, but not until January 1988 did we cross paths.....and our paths stayed intertwined from that day forward.
There was never any question in my mind - although this boy did not work into my "plan" nor my friendly wager with my college girlfriends.
No, this boy was a game changer - or more appropriately a life changer.
Tomorrow marks the 24th anniversary of my marriage to this frat boy.
24 years since our college friends - many of them that were present on that fateful evening in the basement bar of Lambda Chi Alpha - gathered to celebrate the beginning of a new chapter in both our lives. A chapter neither of us saw coming so quickly. But nonetheless, a chapter we were not going to run away from.
I truly believe that every so often, someone will walk into your life that changes it forever.
Brian was this person to me.
I have no doubt that there have been others - friends I have made along the 46 years of my life, teachers, coaches, and quite possible complete strangers on a plane.
Brian was different. He allowed me to unleash my inner-confidence. He never once doubted what I was able to achieve - although (and I'm sure this will surprise many of you), I was filled with doubts about myself.
We clicked.
Every moment from that first time we spoke (in which he told me they were out of beer.....really, who runs out of beer at a fraternity happy hour??), we never skipped a beat. It was always effortless - even when it shouldn't have been.
Recently a very brave friend asked me a question that I suppose others would have been offended by. I'll admit, I was for a moment until I realized that this person - as many others - really was just curious and trying to gain an understanding. It wasn't meant to judge me or anyone else.
I was asked at what point do widows "move on." It wasn't directed to me per say, it was really just a general question and since I was a widow, and I'm pretty much an open-book, and lets face it, an opinionated one to boot, it makes sense to ask me.
My response was we all move on in a different time frame. There is no "exact" time and quite honestly, as I've mentioned before, grieving never truly is "over."
Yes, I am still in love with Brian.
How do you stop loving someone that had such an influential impact on your life? As I've mentioned in previous posts, I don't know what it is like to be divorced, but I do know that those I'm friends with still go through a grieving period, yet often times there is no love lost in those relationships.
The difference with a widow? Our relationship was ended for us by something completely out of our control. It didn't end because either or both parties feel out of love or potentially realized they never were truly in love. Now, before I am criticized, I do recognize that some widows perhaps were in loveless marriages.
That was not the case with Brian and I. We were very much still in love when he passed away. Never in my mind - and I can only hope he felt the same way - did I ever doubt that I would live the rest of my life with him by my side.
Unfortunately, that was only true for Brian.
Yes, I have moved on. As a matter of fact I have loved again since Brian passed away.
Ironically it is that relationship that put my life on hold....made me feel stuck....and caused me to struggle moving forward. It was that relationship that caused an internal struggle with moving forward because with the end of that relationship, I lost trust, lost faith, and sadly lost my sense of confidence.
I will always love Brian. I have no reason not to love Brian. We didn't part ways angry and disillusioned with one another, didn't disappoint one another, didn't lose trust in one another, never made each other feel like an option and never ever stopped loving one another.
Brian is very much still a very important part of my life. We have three beautiful children that deserve to know their father and how much he loved them. As a matter of fact, it would be hard to forget Brian even if I never spoke of him again. One is the spitting image of Brian and all three exhibit behaviors of Brian, so every day I am constantly given subtle reminders of him.
I absolutely love that my life crossed paths with Brian that night....without him, I would be a completely different version of myself.
I am so glad that night occurred when it did and that the bond between Brian and I was so strong so immediately. I am glad that both of us recognized that our meeting was worth derailing our hopes and dreams.
Otherwise I would not have enjoyed 15 fabulous loving years married to this frat boy. I'll take those 15 years with him loving him over a lifetime without him.
And I will never regret still loving him. No one, no experience, no bumps along the road of life will ever change my feelings for him.
Now, go hug someone special in your life and tell them how much you love them!
And enjoy those unexpected surprises life tosses you!
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Keeping Your Eyes Open
I just happened upon this blog post I started 9 months ago. It really doesn't apply to my outlook at the moment, but it serves as a great reminder. It began as a quote jumped out at me from a book I had been reading. The quote is still here but I've rewritten the post.
"...at some point, it doesn't matter who was right and who was wrong. At some point, being angry is just another bad habit, like smoking, and you keep poisoning yourself without thinking about it."
It isn't often that I take the time to underline a book and pull out a quote. But this one....this one spoke volumes to me.
I came across this quote at the end of Jonathon Tripper's novel "This Is Where I Leave You" during a flight to Portland, Oregon last August. Not a bad book and honestly I can't remember much about the story but I jotted down this quote.
Flashback to the last week of August. I was sitting on a flight bound for Portland, OR by way of Oakland, CA to meet up with some of my closest LIVESTRONG friends that just a few years ago were complete strangers thrown together in a van for the Hood to Coast Relay. I was headed to a happy place....fun, friendship and let's face it, a fantastic city and part of the country.
But at that time, could I really say I was in a happy place? Probably not. I was still going through the motions of picking up the pieces. Pieces I had ignored after Brian passed away and only became apparent after some personal upheaval the year before. A year later, I was still struggling to move on. Because it turns out I was angry and "poisoning myself without even thinking about it."
For those that know me really well, this is so unlike me. I am not a grudge holder. I am a forgiver. But this situation was unforgivable yet it was holding me back.
Coming across this quote.....while I was in a situation with absolutely no distractions.....came at the absolute right time.
Any other time and it would have been missed. How many other signs had I missed the months before, the year before that would have changed my course, changed my direction, changed my decisions?
What was it that caused this particular moment to exist?
Just a fantastic reminder to all of us that although it may be obvious to some of us the steps one needs to take in their lives at any given time......it isn't particularly obvious to them. And funny, this quote is something I would have told anyone else - and have always done in my past. But this one situation blinded me and everything had to be aligned just perfectly for the "light-bulb" to go off.
Even coming across this unpublished blog post today is a complete unknown. Why today?
Life just amazes me.
All the tragedy sorrow, joy and celebration that we all experience. And how in each circumstance - dependent upon numerous factors - each can be handled in such different methods depending upon the person and their state of mind at that very moment.
So, as you go forward with your day, your week, your month, your year.....keep an eye open for life's little signals and reminders in the places you don't expect them. If we don't keep our eyes open for them. we could be stuck in a very different version of our life and self for much longer than we should be.
With that being said, I'll close with one of my most favorite quotes:
"Do not be afraid of death. Be afraid of the half-lived life." - Laird Hamilton
"...at some point, it doesn't matter who was right and who was wrong. At some point, being angry is just another bad habit, like smoking, and you keep poisoning yourself without thinking about it."
It isn't often that I take the time to underline a book and pull out a quote. But this one....this one spoke volumes to me.
I came across this quote at the end of Jonathon Tripper's novel "This Is Where I Leave You" during a flight to Portland, Oregon last August. Not a bad book and honestly I can't remember much about the story but I jotted down this quote.
Flashback to the last week of August. I was sitting on a flight bound for Portland, OR by way of Oakland, CA to meet up with some of my closest LIVESTRONG friends that just a few years ago were complete strangers thrown together in a van for the Hood to Coast Relay. I was headed to a happy place....fun, friendship and let's face it, a fantastic city and part of the country.
But at that time, could I really say I was in a happy place? Probably not. I was still going through the motions of picking up the pieces. Pieces I had ignored after Brian passed away and only became apparent after some personal upheaval the year before. A year later, I was still struggling to move on. Because it turns out I was angry and "poisoning myself without even thinking about it."
For those that know me really well, this is so unlike me. I am not a grudge holder. I am a forgiver. But this situation was unforgivable yet it was holding me back.
Coming across this quote.....while I was in a situation with absolutely no distractions.....came at the absolute right time.
Any other time and it would have been missed. How many other signs had I missed the months before, the year before that would have changed my course, changed my direction, changed my decisions?
What was it that caused this particular moment to exist?
Just a fantastic reminder to all of us that although it may be obvious to some of us the steps one needs to take in their lives at any given time......it isn't particularly obvious to them. And funny, this quote is something I would have told anyone else - and have always done in my past. But this one situation blinded me and everything had to be aligned just perfectly for the "light-bulb" to go off.
Even coming across this unpublished blog post today is a complete unknown. Why today?
Life just amazes me.
All the tragedy sorrow, joy and celebration that we all experience. And how in each circumstance - dependent upon numerous factors - each can be handled in such different methods depending upon the person and their state of mind at that very moment.
So, as you go forward with your day, your week, your month, your year.....keep an eye open for life's little signals and reminders in the places you don't expect them. If we don't keep our eyes open for them. we could be stuck in a very different version of our life and self for much longer than we should be.
With that being said, I'll close with one of my most favorite quotes:
"Do not be afraid of death. Be afraid of the half-lived life." - Laird Hamilton
Saturday, May 11, 2013
A Motherless Mother's Day
The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her. ~ Author Unknown
A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her bones. ~ Kristin Hannah
Another Mother's Day.
My 43rd Mother's Day without my mother.
I have been blessed throughout my life to have plenty of "other mothers" in my life to help fill the void - my sisters, many of my friends mothers, and a wonderful mother-in-law who has always treated me as her own daughter - even more so after her son passed away. (Check out my past two years Mother's Day posts to read more about these incredible women - Our Other Mothers and Sisters as Mothers....Mothers as Sisters)
Yes, I am incredibly lucky to have had all these fantastic women in my life guiding me along life's difficult journey.
However, I would be lying to all of you if I said I didn't feel a void.
I have no memories of my mother but I've missed her my entire life.
Funny to miss something or someone you never knew, isn't it?
Crazy.
It is so very different than the void I have from the loss of my father, my sister and my husband.
But a void all the same.
And one that doesn't seem very apparent very often, but there are times....
....when I was going to my prom
....when I was deciding on colleges
....when I was feeling rejected and sad
....when I realized I was falling in love with Brian
....when I was getting married
....when I was pregnant for the first time
....and the second, third and fourth
....when I miscarried the third pregnancy
....when I struggled as a first time mom
...when I struggled with the loss of my spouse
All those major times in a girls's life that they rely upon their mother for guidance, support and love.
Yes, I have had my sisters and other mothers to fill those voids during those times, but I've always wondered....
What was my mother like?
Am I anything like her?
Would I be a different version of me?
Would I have made different decisions?
Mother's Day often creeps up on me because honestly it wasn't ever a day that was celebrated in my childhood. Just as Father's Day is not celebrated by my children.
It is a day of reflection on what is missing.
Although, it is quite wonderful to know that all those things I missed in my lifetime, I am here to do for my children and hope to be here for all of them.
At this time next week, I'll be watching my oldest graduate from high school. I'm sure he won't think anything special that I'm there because where else would I be? But I'll be thinking how thankful I am to be there as I recall missing my mom at my own graduation.
Of course, I can't not mention the big villian here.....CANCER. It was cancer that caused this void in my life. It was cancer that made me feel all alone and different than everyone else.
In memory of my mother, I am making a donation to LIVESTRONG so others have resources available to them to win their battle with cancer and their children/spouses have a community available to them to help them realize they are not alone.
Please join me in honoring the women in our lives and the mothers other children have lost because of cancer by making a donation as well.
Donate to LIVESTRONG in honor of Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day to all the moms in my life. I love you all and am eternally grateful for each of you.
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