"A photograph can be an instant of life captured for eternity that will never cease looking back at you." ~ Brigette Bardot
A moment in time we had forgotten about comes back to us instantly when we uncover that photo.....life looking back at you.
I am often stopped by photos of my children - taken back to a time when they were such different people. Children needing their mother - not the independent young adults they have transformed into.
Those photographs are always organized in my mind into a particular time - when we lived in Philadelphia, when we first moved to Illinois, our old house, our new house, before Brian died, after Brian died, when they were in elementary school, junior high, high school.
My life broken into periods of time.
Lately when I come across photos - often nowadays on my phone or on Facebook, I tend to put them in two categories - before and after. The tilt-a-whirl.
You remember the tilt-a-whirl. It was instrumental in my starting this blog.
Suddenly I recognized that my life has somehow gotten back on that tilt-a-whirl. I am not sure when I jumped back on the ride....or how long I've been on it.....but here I am.
And I've been ignoring it.
But, my 2013 resolutions included becoming healthier. Eating healthier, drinking more water, introducing a variety of exercise to expand beyond running, making an effort to reach out to friends, improving my mental state.
I suppose we all have similar goals. But those last two have been difficult.
How to go about improving my mental state. Well, I knew exercising and eating healthy would be a fantastic start. Then I reached out to several friends and made plans. No more sitting alone waiting.....waiting for what I finally asked myself. Get out there and make plans on your own.
January was a success.....except.....but....however....
That sadness continued to be there.....lying there waiting to spring free.
And it did. While I was feeling great.....during plans with a friend.....during the middle of a conversation while we were catching up.
Uh oh.....
I finally had to pull the plug and break down about seeing a counselor. Nothing wrong with that however I've done it twice before - when Brian passed away and again 5 years ago....and both times it was like going to the torture chamber. I hated it.
So what is different this time around?
Well for starters, it was my own decision and idea to go. I wasn't going because everyone around me thought I should go (well, perhaps they do this time round as well, but no one has pressured me into it).
And, I think I was ready this time. Ready to reach back into the depths of my life, into the depths of my soul, and get it all out.
As I have been meeting with a counselor, it has reminded me of uncovering old photographs. I am remembering things I had forgotten about - perhaps purposely or really because life got in the way. '
Moments in time from my childhood.
Moments in time when I was in high school being the only child remaining at home.
Moments in time when my sister received her cancer diagnosis.
Moments in time when my children were born and there was "normalcy" in our lives.
Moments in time before and after Brian died.
Moments in time that included my step-mother the divorce from my father.
Moments in time that reminded me of being a kid and spending days while I was home sick looking at boxes of photographs.
Photographs that pieced lives together.
The difference now is these photographs are in my head.....and thankfully are there to remind me....to help figure things out.
And yes, there are bad memories but lots of good memories.....that wouldn't exist without some of those unfortunate memories.
Memories are like photographs.....some blurry, some you want to frame, and others you wish you could delete
