Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day to Our Other Mothers

"A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it." 
 ~ Frank Howard Clark

Happy Mother's Day!


Last year I wrote a blog about my sisters and the importance they play in my life without a mother - my mother being stolen from our family when she was just 39 years old.  She left behind a loving husband and 5 children - ranging in ages from 14 to 3.


Recently  I realize that I left out a large group of amazing women that encouraged me, helped me find my way, and accepted me into their own families.  I feel awful for not including them.  So this is not only a year late but decades late -  thank you to Mrs. FitzPatrick, Mrs. Forrester, Mrs. Ferrell and Mrs. Faust (strangely this is the first time I realized they all had last names that began with the letter F).  


 These women had their own children to worry about, their own households to run yet they all had the wonderful ability to share their motherly love with me.  Inclusion in family dinners, vacations, just sitting around "hanging out" with their families as though I was part of their families.  Helping me through difficult times of my own,  providing advice or just somehow knowing that I needed to be around a mother.  


I remember one instance after my father and step-mother divorced, I was going to the local fireworks display with the FitzPatrick family.  As we unloaded from the car, Mrs. FitzPatrick blocked my door and made me go out the other side.  I didn't realize what was going on, but found out later it was because my stepmother was exiting the car next to ours.  She immediately went into protect mode as though I was her own child.


Another time I was in a car accident during a snow storm I had no reason driving in.  I was scared to call my father - who wouldn't be?  My friends Jodi, Jenny and I returned to their house and their mother, Mrs. Faust, immediately called my father to break the news.   Moms always have a way of calming dads down....and it was difficult not having a mom at home to go into that nurturing mode.  


My own children are blessed with similar "other mothers."  These women have families of their own....are balancing the work and the craziness of running a household.....running to the over-scheduled events our children are now involved in these days.  Yet, whenever I need help....whenever my children need help....these women come to the rescue.


A ride here or there....a place to crash....a hug....an inside joke....a sharing of an accomplishment...or in times of unrest in our household (which believe me occurs when you have a few teenagers and a grieving mother), a voice of reason.


I love these women - and you know who you are.  And my children love you too.  


We would be lost without you.  


As we celebrate Mother's Day in the Simmons household, know that we also celebrate the "Other Mother's" in our lives as well.


As the African proverb states, it does take a village to raise a child.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

The Year of the Bike....RunningSTRONG on Two Wheels

“Challenges make you discover things about yourself that you never really knew. They're what make the instrument stretch-what make you go beyond the norm.”




This year I am taking on a new challenge.  Not that running a half marathon every month or running full marathons is not challenging....they are.

I lost a bet....a bet that in hindsight, I am actually glad that I lost.

Last year I entered into a little wager with some cycling friends of mine.  They offered up to each run a marathon in exchange for me riding RAGBRAI - a 7 day bike ride across the state of Iowa.  I took them up on it but recognized that running a marathon is hard - even for a runner like myself.  So, I let them off the hook a little.  They just needed to each run a half marathon.

Well, they all did.  And I think they all appreciated how difficult running can be.

And I am glad that they accomplished this goal.  All three tried something new.  All three worked extremely hard at being successful.

And better yet, I am taking on a challenge I NEVER would have considered before.

And I am excited about it!

I am not very comfortable as a cyclist (first of all, it took me three years and some coaching by one of these friends to learn to call myself a cyclist instead of a biker).   I don't understand all the intrincities of cycling.  Running - piece of cake.  I put on my shoes and go.  Well, I guess it really isn't that easy, but when you are comfortable with something, it is easy, right?

So, I am allowing myself to get out of my comfort zone.  This July, I will be riding 471.1 miles across July, more than likely in the middle of a Midwest heatwave.  In addition, I'll be pitching a tent each evening.....this is actually more scary for me!  I don't mind camping, as long as someone else is doing all the setting up.  So, yet another challenge for me.

Isn't life about getting out of your comfort zone?  I think so.  And this is exactly what I need....to push myself out of my comfort zone...to get "unstuck."  Just one of many changes I'll be making this year - but that is another blog post entirely!

Not only am I riding across Iowa as a challenge to myself, but also to spread awareness about LIVESTRONG and raise funds to allow this outstanding organization to provide support to those battling cancer.

I am still "RunningSTRONG" as I'll be doing a few running events this year - Hood to Coast and the Chicago Marathon - but my focus will be on the bike.  I'm "RunningSTRONG on Two Wheels"...it is the year of the bike!

More details to come but there will be several opportunities for you to provide support to me along the way.  I plan on blogging about my journey as well as share more information about LIVESTRONG.

I will be riding 471.1 miles for cancer survivors.....do you have someone you would like me to ride for?  If so, keep following....more details to come!  

I look forward to sharing this journey with you and hope you'll follow along!

Support Barb as she takes on RAGBRAI - Team LIVESTRONGf.livestrong.org/site/TR/Grassroots/General?px=1002527&pg=personal&fr_id=1200

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Mom Guilt or Your Judgement.

Mom guilt.

Something all mother's have.

A present given to us in the delivery room along with our bundle of joy.

I have found that my level of mom guilt has increased over time....and since Brian's passing.

As a single....or perhaps a better description is "an only parent"....I have found taking time for myself as a incredibly valuable component of being a better parent. This is not a new concept. Brian clearly understood this concept and encouraged me to head out on my own for the day or a few hours every now and again. As I encouraged him to do the same with weekly golf outings with his friends. Just because we get married and become parents does not mean we give ourselves up 100%.

cancer was so kind to cause me to become the sole breadwinner and only caregiver for three children. Two teenage boys don't really understand the idea that there is more to this world than the foot circumference around themselves....and they are apparently are the only ones this family revolves around.

My world is stressful....as is everyones. And it takes a toll on my health and emotional well being.

So, in order to keep sane, I run. And I run races. And I try to find a few races and LIVESTRONG events throughout the year that allow me to reunite with friends. And yes, I go on these weekends quite often without my children.

And no, I don't feel guilty about it.

And, my children understand. Often times they have activities that conflict and they make the choice not to join me. And other times they are looking forward to a vacation from their stressed out mom. Other times they look forward to a vacation from each other and spend time with friends....they are siblings after all.

So my children don't make me feel guilty either.

So why the mom guilt? Well this comes along with the questions asked of me. Questions like "what are doing with your kids!?!?" or " you mean you are going without your kids!?!?!"

Do you ask your divorced friends this when they go on weekends away on their every other weekend free? Does anyone ever question single parents due to divorce why they feel they completely have no parenting responsibilities when the kids are at the exes? Nope. I bet you don't.

Does anyone ask those same questions of a married couple when they take a guy or girls weekend. Nope....I suppose not. And no one ever asked these of me when Brian was alive.

I can tell the difference between those close to me that have watched the kids when I'm gone just being curious and supporting my decisions from those that find my choices questionable.

Public service announcement.....until you have walked in my shoes, do not cast judgement just as I do not cast judgment on your decisions. It actually makes me feel terrible.

Just had to get that off my chest. It's been gnawing at me for a month now.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Planking Strong for Hope




This past weekend I participated in the LIVESTRONG Austin Half Marathon as a member of Team LIVESTRONG.  I was honored to be asked to serve as the fundraising mentor for this team, which allowed me to get to know many of the runners beforehand.

The stories shared with me were so inspiring.    Many members of the team are cancer survivors - one currently in the middle of his battle.  What can be more inspiring than that?  Really....putting up a courageous battle for your life and WINNING?  Then deciding to tackle a very hilly run of 13.1 or 26.2 miles?  Talk about inspiring!

The weekend was kicked off with a Team brunch and an opportunity to hear Amy Dodson share her incredible story of cancer survival....she is a major cancer warrior in my book.  Amy lost a leg to cancer - as well as survived lung cancer after being given a 10% chance of survival.  She didn't let this stop her...she runs marathons and ultras, competes in triathlons....and at an elite athlete level.  I highly encourage you to read more about her at http://blog.livestrong.org/2010/04/23/amy-dodson-one-leg-one-lung-100-miles/.

Amy Dodson
She talked about her illness being a gift. Without her illness, she wouldn't have discovered her gift of running.

This hit a chord with me. As much as I hate that cancer stole so many of my loved ones, if it weren't for cancer, I wouldn't be involved with LIVESTRONG....and I wouldn't have many of the incredible friends I have....and I wouldn't have started running again.
Livestrong friend and I with Amy after race
Which gets me back to my involvement this weekend.  I raised close to $2,500 for LIVESTRONG by race day....and I'm not done....my goal for the year continues to be $15,000.

Along the way I decided I would "earn" donations by completing a plank at each mile if I raised $1,000.  I participate in the Plank A Day Revolution on Twitter, so I thought it would be a great idea to spread the word about the benefits of planking (strengthening your core and back - something runners are very much lacking in and creates injuries) while having fun raising money for LIVESTRONG.

Mission accomplished.  A bit to easily I may add.  I still had 45 days until the race and needed to come up with something to do for another milestone.  So, I decided I would complete a plank each mile while running in a pink tutu.  Those that know me well, know that although I like to have fun, I am not one to run with a lot of baggage.  I don't race with an ipod and I only carry what can fit in that little zippered pocket on the back of my shorts. Running in a tutu has never been a "bucket-list" item.

I think I set my goal too low...$2,000 for a tutu was easily reached....and I was suddenly on the search for a running tutu.  Glam Runners had just what I needed.  A shout out to them for their fantastic service AND the proceeds from the sales of these tutus goes to Girls on the Run - an organization that provides education and support for healthy living.  So, you donated to LIVESTRONG, which made me purchase a tutu from Glam Runners, who then donated to Girls on the Run......a win/win for everyone!  This was made personally for me, fantastic and quick service.  And, light as can be...not cumbersome at all.  That being said, I'm not going to become a regular tutu runner....unless of course it means more money raised for LIVESTRONG.....and if you'd like me to wear a tutu again, consider making a donation.   Donate to support Barb's LIVESTRONG efforts


One of several run-ins with Bart Yasso...I suspect he thought we were following him we ran into him so often

The weekend was a true LIVESTRONG fix for me....just what I needed.  Being surrounded by others that get it...that have been impacted by cancer and have also decided to turn their passion for running into a personal battle against cancer.  Not to mention having the opportunity to meet and talk with Bart Yasso a few times (he was staying at our hotel), as well as receive a high five from him as I crossed the finish line.

This was not a race for time....certainly not if I planned to plank each mile.  This was the LIVESTRONG Austin Marathon and Half Marathon.  Everyone involved was there because cancer had impacted their life in some way.   Typically, at the Team LIVESTRONG marathon events, we are just a small group among tens of thousands of people.  This weekend, the tens of thousands were all there to run and support LIVESTRONG.

I lined up in the back with a great friend I met during a Chicago Marathon Team LIVESTRONG event - and coincidentally is friends with a friend of mine from grade/high school (small world connections abound in the LIVESTRONG world.  We both were undertrained to push ourselves to the limit for this race for a vairiety of reasons but due to taking time off after fall Team LIVESTRONG marathons.  She agreed to be my "official planking photographer" for no charge at all.

The Tutu Planking for Hope through Austin.....

The pre-race plank warm-up

At the start corral

Mile 11 (no mile marker)
Mile 12 (no mile marker)
At the finish line
 Donate to Barb's LIVESTRONG efforts

Monday, February 20, 2012

"Forget Regret, or Life is Yours to Miss" ~ Jonathan Larson

Regret.

It is an awful emotion. 

I have had lots of obstacles thrown in my path during my lifetime. Obstacles that I had no control over.  

Deaths of loved ones - parents, sister, brother-in-law, and my own spouse.  Enduring the fallout of a divorce between my father and step-mother - a woman that treated me as her own child and is the only memory I have of a mother. All obstacles outside my control.

I have no regrets about any of these events.  Sadness from these events however will be with me forever.  But not regret.  With the exception of my mother, due to my age when she passed, I have no regrets about these relationships. I will always miss them.  

I still find myself wishing I could pick up the phone to call them.  I still have my brother-in-law's phone number in my contacts. I talked to him a lot after Brian's passing as he and I could relate to how we were both feeling having lost a spouse.  It took me years to not pick-up the phone on a Sunday evening to call my father. 

Regret does fill my life though.

Regret for not taking chances;
regret for taking some chances;
regret for sharing too much of myself with others that didn't deserve so much of me;
regret for being too guarded;
regret for not sharing feelings and finding I was too late;
regret for misreading situations;
regret for sharing my feelings other times while misreading situations;
regret for making assumptions.

Regret for standing still for too long and becoming stuck.

Regret for playing it safe and creating a life which brings me little joy on a daily basis.

Regret for letting life slip by.

I am in a bit of a melancholy state at the moment as I sit on a flight returning home from a weekend in Austin, TX.  A weekend surrounded by friends and LIVESTRONG love.  I am excited to see my children but I am not happy about returning to the life I have created for myself.  A life filled with regrets.

I was reminded of these regrets as I sat in the airport and looked around me.  People excited about their adventures, people with loved ones.  Yes, maybe that's how they view me too but doubtful as I spent most of the time fighting back tears. Tears driven from regret.  I realized I have given up on being incredibly happy in my life...although I can be spontaneous, generous and fun-loving, I am not 75% of the time.  25% is not good enough for me....and it should not be for any of us. 

The excitement of going to Austin was replaced by an underlying sadness and regret a few weeks ago.

I realized some feelings I had that I should have shared some time ago and made assumptions which I kept to myself.  I finally shared these...and mind you, I didn't share them well. Although I shared them directly with the person involved, I masked them in anger. I recognize that in sharing these too late, and making assumptions I should have asked about, that I have more than likely lost that friendship forever....all because I never confronted emotions....because I played it safe....because I allowed hurt from others to cause me to make assumptions of this person.  A friendship that was incredibly important to me.  A friend that I had a deep connection with.  A friend that can never be replaced. 

Regretful.  Sadness for my missed opportunity. Sadness for the emptiness created by the void not having this person as any part of my life.  Regretful. 

I am filled with a heavy heart....and the resolution that I will not allow my life to be on hold.  

And I refuse to create any more regret.

I am not sure what that will look like, where I will end up, but I can guarantee you, I will be a new and improved me.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Don't Put This Babs in a Corner

I survived Valentines Day....also known as Single Awareness Day.

I survived seeing those around me at work get calls to pick up vases of beautiful flowers. I survived relentless love songs on the radio.

Off point here, but can you really love someone like a love song? Exactly what does that mean? I'm curious because it appears to be the only song on a 20 minute rotation.....and as my daughter grows up, I'd like to be able to explain how she is feeling about that cute boy in her class is the same as a love song.

I survived the numerous questions about my Valentine evening plans. I thankfully had some in place and understand it is just a question, but please people....have some empathy and compassion for single people.

I was the recipient of lots of notes from friends that took time to recognize and did not take it for granted that someone was going to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. A day that unfortunately singles a lot of people out. I am so glad I have surrounded myself with such amazing friends. Many of those I met along the way through LIVESTRONG. The day was made even brighter when I received an email from my LIVESTRONG contact along with a video thanking me for my involvement as a volunteer.

Just simply knowing others were thinking of me made my day fantastic.

I was asked a very interesting question by my daughter a few days ago, and thankfully it didn't involve an explanation for how you love someone like a love song. She was addressing her Valentine cards for her third grade classmates when she asked why her teacher said they had to give cards to every classmate or not participate. "Why wouldn't I want to give one to everyone in my class?"

Amazing. I love the insight of children. She would never dream of excluding anyone....they are her friends and she wants them to all know she cares for them.

That's how I felt today. My friends did not want to exclude me either and as they reached out to their loved ones, they took time to shine down on me as well.

Society on the other hand needs a reminder from the grade school teachers....remember everyone. Create Valentine activities that celebrate the love of friendship, of love lost due to unfortunate circumstances, of those that choose to be single.

The wheels are spinning in my head and I vow to attack this void next year....not sure what it will be....but there will be something for people like me.

And those plans I had tonight? I tagged along as a third wheel with some folks I really didn't know all that well. It was a running group that has included me on their mailing list, yet have never joined them for a run. Some were getting together to go see a comedy show in town. 5 couples (only one I knew from other social circles) and myself. I decided I wasn't going to sit at home alone....not going to keep sitting here waiting for someone to realize how fabulous I am. Nope!! I am going to go to dinners by myself, join groups whether or not I am asked, buy one ticket to concerts, and a large popcorn for myself at the movies.

Will it be fun? I suspect it will not, but sometimes it will. As a matter of fact, tonight was fun....but it was also a little painful....sad and lonely. But I promise you all, that I'm taking on this personal challenge and I will not let cancer "put baby in the corner."