A Motherless Mother's Day

The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her. ~ Author Unknown

A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her bones. ~ Kristin Hannah

Another Mother's Day.

My 43rd Mother's Day without my mother.

I have been blessed throughout my life to have plenty of "other mothers" in my life to help fill the void - my sisters, many of my friends mothers, and a wonderful mother-in-law who has always treated me as her own daughter - even more so after her son passed away. (Check out my past two years Mother's Day posts to read more about these incredible women - Our Other Mothers and Sisters as Mothers....Mothers as Sisters)

Yes, I am incredibly lucky to have had all these fantastic women in my life guiding me along life's difficult journey.

However, I would be lying to all of you if I said I didn't feel a void.

I have no memories of my mother but I've missed her my entire life.

Funny to miss something or someone you never knew, isn't it?

Crazy.

It is so very different than the void I have from the loss of my father, my sister and my husband.

But a void all the same.

And one that doesn't seem very apparent very often, but there are times....

....when I was going to my prom

....when I was deciding on colleges

....when I was feeling rejected and sad

....when I realized I was falling in love with Brian

....when I was getting married

....when I was pregnant for the first time

....and the second, third and fourth

....when I miscarried the third pregnancy

....when I struggled as a first time mom

...when I struggled with the loss of my spouse

All those major times in a girls's life that they rely upon their mother for guidance, support and love.

Yes, I have had my sisters and other mothers to fill those voids during those times, but I've always wondered....

What was my mother like?
Am I anything like her?
Would I be a different version of me?
Would I have made different decisions?

Mother's Day often creeps up on me because honestly it wasn't ever a day that was celebrated in my childhood.  Just as Father's Day is not celebrated by my children.

It is a day of reflection on what is missing.  

Although, it is quite wonderful to know that all those things I missed in my lifetime, I am here to do for my children and hope to be here for all of them.

At this time next week, I'll be watching my oldest graduate from high school.  I'm sure he won't think anything special that I'm there because where else would I be?  But I'll be thinking how thankful I am to be there as I recall missing my mom at my own graduation.

Of course, I can't not mention the big villian here.....CANCER.  It was cancer that caused this void in my life.  It was cancer that made me feel all alone and different than everyone else.

In memory of my mother, I am making a donation to LIVESTRONG so others have resources available to them to win their battle with cancer and their children/spouses have a community available to them to help them realize they are not alone.

Please join me in honoring the women in our lives and the mothers other children have lost because of cancer by making a donation as well.
Donate to LIVESTRONG in honor of Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms in my life.  I love you all and am eternally grateful for each of you.

Coming Together Is a Beginning.....

....keeping together is progress; working together is success.

Henry Ford

A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.

Margaret Mead

Some cyclists.

       Several runners.

               A widow.

                      A hula hooper.

A kayaker.

       School teachers.

               Retirees.

                      East coasters, Texans, Southerners, Midwesterners.

Hockey players.

       Walkers.

              Gardeners.

                       Bird watchers.

A piano teaching bike commuter.

          A cycle shop owner.

                  Europeans.

                       Cancer survivors.

What do all these have in common?

They all motivate me each and every day.

Back in November I decided to combine my selfish need to hold myself accountable to exercising regularly again and spreading awareness of Movember - the month men grow mustaches to raise awareness of prostate cancer.

So I wrote a blog and introduced the idea of "The 30 Days of Movember - a Fitness Challenge."

My intent was purely selfish.  My running group had disbanded earlier that year and I was struggling to keep a routine fitness plan.

So I concocted this crazy idea to create a Facebook Fitness Challenge group.  30 Days of Fitness.

An idea to share my fitness goals and hold myself accountable to 10 or so friends....

And those 30 days flew by.

And the group continued to grow.  Friends inviting other friends.  And new friendships being created.

As the final days of November were being crossed off the calendar, I asked if anyone wanted to continue into December.  To my surprise, I received a very consistent message from my fellow Fitness Challenge participants - YES!

A December challenge was created  as the number of members continued to grow.

7 months later and we are still going strong!

The group discusses personal challenges, personal accomplishments and frustrations.

Others struggled just as I did to stay motivated during the cold dark winter months.  Together we set monthly goals, shared our New Year resolutions, and held each other accountable.

Together we accomplished what many of us could not accomplish alone.

Together we inspired one another.

Together we lost weight, planked, ran, hula hooped, shoveled snow, climbed stairs, drank more water, shared success stories, made each other laugh and cheered those up that became injured.

There is no pressure to post and no pressure period.

As you can see, it is a rather diverse group - many friends outside the page but many started out as strangers.  A merging of several webs of friends.  A web of support.  A web of inspiration.

It takes a village.....and although this village was started for selfish reasons, it has filled a void that was evident in my fitness world.  

All accomplished by a simple need to be held accountable and setting up a Facebook group.

No extravagant webpage design, no membership fees.  Just a bunch of strangers and friends sharing their daily workouts, frustrations, and goals with one another, while lending support to those same strangers and friends.

Every now and again someone will disappear for a few weeks - myself included.  No pressure from the members about your missing workouts.  But occasionally someone will ask where you are - not to make you feel guilty but to make sure you are okay.  A thoughtful caring group of individuals that I  look forward to hearing from all day long!

Do you have a need to be motivated, inspired, held accountable?  Consider joining our group.....or maybe creating your own!


And see firsthand what a group of individuals can accomplish together!

Individual commitment to a group effort - that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.

Vince Lombardi

The Perseverance of Runners

"We run, not because we think it is doing us good, but because we enjoy it and cannot help ourselves...The more restricted our society and work become, the more necessary it will be to find some outlet for this craving for freedom. No one can say, 'You must not run faster than this, or jump higher than that.' The human spirit is indomitable." 

-Sir Roger Bannister, first runner to run a sub-4 minute mile

"Running is not, as it so often seems, only about what you did in your last race or about how many miles you ran last week. It is, in a much more important way, about community, about appreciating all the miles run by other runners, too." 

--Richard O'Brien


The events last Monday at the Boston Marathon impacted each and everyone of us.  A sense of vulnerability was suddenly very apparent   The uncertainly, the fear, the terror all captured on video and pictures, along with the aftermath that followed the following week were unimaginable.  

This hit home for me.  No, I was not there.  And no, I am not related or know any of the injured or deceased.

But this was personal, as I suspect it was for all of us in some way.

I have a love for Boston.  Both my parents were born and raised in Boston.  I have family that lives there.  I have friends that call Boston home.

My 9 year old and I just returned from a spring break vacation to Boston last month.  I let her pick where we were going to travel.  I was prepared for Orlando or the beach.  But once again, this little girl surprised me.  Her choice was Boston.  She had never been but had been learning about the northeast in school so Boston was on her radar.

She picked out our daily itinerary  which included walking the entire Freedom Trail, having lunch at Fanueil Hall, and touring the Boston Tea Party Museum.  But two experiences came flashing back into our minds last Monday.  

One of the very first "touristy" experiences we had was viewing the city from The Prudential Building.  From that vantage point we noticed the Boston Marathon finish line, which is marked permanently on  Boylston Street in yellow paint.  The other was her decision to check out the Boston Public Library - which is just steps away from the finish area.

Although there have been many tragedies during my daughter's short lifetime, never before had she been able to place herself in the exact location, to be able to picture the surroundings, to have a frame of reference.  It saddened me that as a 9 year old, she could envision herself in the exact locations flashing up on the news surrounded with tragedy.  She was scared by the events and the familiarity of it all.

The events also impacted two other important families of mine - the running community and the LIVESTRONG community..

As a marathoner, running has saved me many a times through bouts of depression, anger and frustration.  Training for marathons has given me goals, given me stamina, given me a sense of invincibility and perseverance no other sport has ever given me.

Participating in marathons brought me to LIVESTRONG.  It was my first marathon that got me involved with Team LIVESTRONG.

Participating in running created new friendships.  Runners are incredibly supportive of one another - regardless of age, speed or accomplishments.  I have never been surrounded by such a competitive group of people that ALL wanted everyone else to succeed as well.

Through running I have built long lasting friendships with people from Oregon, Colorado, California, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Florida, Texas, etc etc etc.  Many through participation in LIVESTRONG events.

And last week, this tragedy hit my running family.   The majority were strangers, but none would be a stranger if I was running beside them.  I've never run a marathon, half marathon, 10K, 5K or just a group run where anyone was truly a stranger.  There is a camaraderie that exists among runners.  

I've struggled along some races but with the support of the strangers lining the course and the runners around me, I've always been able to dig deep and get it done.  

Running has given me the opportunity to a lover of new cities as I become a running "tourist" and has created a secondary family from events such as Hood to Coast (I dare you to spend 30 plus hours in a van with strangers sleeping in grassy fields, scouting out bathrooms and changing in/out of some rather smelly clothes and not make new friends that know you better than some of your own family).

A few of my Team LIVESTRONG Hood to Coast family were on the course last week.  They had worked relentlessly to achieve a goal of qualifying for the Boston Marathon.  One has been plagued by injuries but the other stuck with her throughout the race. 

Because that is what runners do for one another.  They help each other through tough situations.

And although so many did not finish the marathon due to the explosions, I have a pretty big hunch that none of them even cared about that.  Unlike other marathons that were black flagged due to weather, lacked enough hydration on the course, or just were poorly planned for a number of reasons, I have yet to hear of a single marathoner complaining about how this impacted them.  Not a sign of selfishness.

I think they all did what all runners do.  They thought beyond themselves.  They took care of each other.  They immediately thought about those in need - we have all heard of those leaving the course and donating blood (after running 24 - 26 miles!), providing support to the EMTs, comforting one another, sharing cell phones to let loved ones know they were OK.

You know what?  Runners were already rather supportive of one another.  Guess what....this tragic event has created an even stronger bond among runners.  The Elites to the sub 4 hour runners, the wheel chair participants to the charity runners.  The moms, dads, grandfathers, grandmothers, brothers, sisters, sons and daughters.  None with multimillion sports contracts.  All running 26.2 miles willingly (yes, we are a crazy sort of bunch to begin with).  

And you know what else?  I suspect we will see a rise in the number of runners out on the trails and streets this next year.  And an increase in the numbers running marathons. And an increase of runners trying to qualify for the Boston Marathon - pushing themselves beyond limits they knew they had inside themselves. 

And even more importantly, an increase in the number of spectators lining the courses, because in addition to all the news being covered by the networks, this past week has also drawn attention to the amazing athletes that are just like you and I; that live in every town, city and village across our country.  And each are supported by family and friends.  

Yes, I'm incredibly sad by this event.

Yes, I am angry that my different families were impacted.

And yes, I'm going to keep running marathons!

Who wants to join me???

There Are Days.....

"I've cried, and you'd think I'd be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine the rest of my life." ~ Conor Oberst

"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad." ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

There is an old saying that time takes away the grief of men.

I respectfully disagree.

Grief never goes away.

It goes into hiding.

It resurfaces just when you think it has finally gone away.

Sometimes there is an anniversary or a memory that triggers it.

Often times, there is absolutely no reason.

But, it never completely goes away. 

Never.

Regardless of time.  

Regardless of how well your life is going.

Grief never disappears.

I have had different bouts of grief throughout my life due to the loss of my mother, father, sister, and brother-in-law.  

However, I am sure it comes as no surprise that the largest source of my grief is the loss of my husband Brian.  

Not a day goes by without a thought of Brian. 

Not a day goes by without a pang of sadness and missing him.

Some days the pang comes and goes.

Other days, it overwhelms me.

Other days, it overwhelms me and over stays its welcome.  

I suspect it has something to do with how complete my life seemed to be once Brian entered it.  

Grief unfortunately reminds me of how full my life was with him.

It serves as a reminder that my life is somewhat incomplete without him.

Don't get me wrong, I have a fantastic life.  I am extremely blessed with three wonderfully talented and amazingly independent, smart, resilient children.  Without my children, my life would be even more incomplete.  

Yes, I have a fantastic life.  Great family, great job, great friends, a roof over my head.

BUT,  grief keeps sneaking in reminding me of what I am missing.  Of how even more fantastic my life was.  And all the dreams and plans I had for my life as it was.

However, when grief overwhelms me, somehow I pull myself out of it.  I don't know how I do it.  Sometimes it is a swift kick in the butt from a friend, a good night sleep, a great run.  

During these times, that same sadness also reminds me of what I have, what I have overcome and causes me to reflect, redirect and set new goals.

As I write this, I am not sad but I am not happy.  I feel the sadness, the emptiness that grief introduces to us lurking.  I've pushed it aside but I know it is just waiting....waiting to pounce unannounced.

And hopefully, I'l be ready.  Hopefully it will be an easy hurdle but sometimes it isn't.

Why am I sharing this?  

We all know someone that is grieving or perhaps you are grieving - or will someday.

I don't imagine I am alone in feeling this way and I want others to know they are not alone.

I want others that are not grieving to understand that their grieving friends will go through a roller coaster of emotions the rest of their lives.  Sometimes up and down quite often, other times spread out over years.

But please know, grief is a very complicated.

Do not expect someone to just "move on", do not expect to feel "normal" again.  

Just when you think the old normal has returned, there it is....the grief resurfaces. 

This teeter-totter, tilt-a-whirl of emotions is the new normal. 

Be mindful.  Be prepared.  Be supportive.

Moments in Time

"A photograph can be an instant of life captured for eternity that will never cease looking back at you." ~ Brigette Bardot

How many of us have been cleaning a closet, a drawer, sorting paperwork when we come across old photos.  Suddenly, the our path is changed.  No longer are we busy organizing, cleaning, straightening up but reflecting and reminiscing.

A moment in time we had forgotten about comes back to us instantly when we uncover that photo.....life looking back at you.

I am often stopped by photos of my children - taken back to a time when they were such different people.  Children needing their mother - not the independent young adults they have transformed into.

Those photographs are always organized in my mind into a particular time - when we lived in Philadelphia, when we first moved to Illinois, our old house, our new house, before Brian died, after Brian died, when they were in elementary school, junior high, high school.  

My life broken into periods of time.

Lately when I come across photos - often nowadays on my phone or on Facebook, I tend to put them in two categories - before and after.  The tilt-a-whirl.

You remember the tilt-a-whirl.  It was instrumental in my starting this blog.

Suddenly I recognized that my life has somehow gotten back on that tilt-a-whirl.  I am not sure when I jumped back on the ride....or how long I've been on it.....but here I am.

And I've been ignoring it.

But, my 2013 resolutions included becoming healthier.  Eating healthier, drinking more water, introducing a variety of exercise to expand beyond running, making an effort to reach out to friends, improving my mental state.

I suppose we all have similar goals.  But those last two have been difficult.

How to go about improving my mental state.  Well, I knew exercising and eating healthy would be a fantastic start.  Then I reached out to several friends and made plans.  No more sitting alone waiting.....waiting for what I finally asked myself.  Get out there and make plans on your own.

January was a success.....except.....but....however....

That sadness continued to be there.....lying there waiting to spring free.

And it did.  While I was feeling great.....during plans with a friend.....during the middle of a conversation while we were catching up.

Uh oh.....

I finally had to pull the plug and break down about seeing a counselor.  Nothing wrong with that however I've done it twice before - when Brian passed away and again 5 years ago....and both times it was like going to the torture chamber.  I hated it.

So what is different this time around?  

Well for starters, it was my own decision and idea to go.  I wasn't going because everyone around me thought I should go (well, perhaps they do this time round as well, but no one has pressured me into it).

And, I think I was ready this time.  Ready to reach back into the depths of my life, into the depths of my soul, and get it all out.  

As I have been meeting with a counselor, it has reminded me of uncovering old photographs.  I am remembering things I had forgotten about - perhaps purposely or really because life got in the way.  '

Moments in time from my childhood.

Moments in time when I was in high school being the only child remaining at home.

Moments in time when my sister received her cancer diagnosis.

Moments in time when my children were born and there was "normalcy" in our lives.

Moments in time before and after Brian died.

Moments in time that included my step-mother the divorce from my father.

Moments in time that reminded me of being a kid and spending days while I was home sick looking at boxes of photographs.

Photographs that pieced lives together.

The difference now is these photographs are in my head.....and thankfully are there to remind me....to help figure things out.

And yes, there are bad memories but lots of good memories.....that wouldn't exist without some of those unfortunate memories. 

Memories are like photographs.....some blurry, some you want to frame, and others you wish you could delete

Lance Through the Eyes of a 9-year Old

I suppose you heard a little story that involved Lance Armstrong this week.

Perhaps you listened to all the speculation about an interview he had with Oprah this week.

Perhaps you read a lot of articles and opinions about the interview - before and after it aired.

And perhaps you actually took the time to watch the interview.

And I suppose....no, I know.....we all have differing opinions about Lance.  Just as we all have different opinions about gun control, abortion and how to fix our economy.  Heck, we all have different opinions on the Chicago Cubs.

And I love that.  

I love that we live in a world in which we can all have our own opinions...including my children.

Two of my children have accompanied me to LIVESTRONG events, and even helped with fundraising of their own.

My middle son asked me not to talk about the "Lance stuff" this week because in his mind, it was no different than so many other athletes out there.  He was upset that people were confusing Lance the cheater with LIVESTRONG.


This morning, I had the opportunity to chat with my 9 year-old.  She has big plans this year to create a Hula Hooping event as a fundraiser for LIVESTRONG.   I wanted to make sure she knew what was going on about Lance so she could ask questions.  I wanted her to be prepared for comments and questions from her friends in case anyone questions her LIVESTRONG band.

So I told her what was going on. 

Her response - "I like Lance because of LIVESTRONG and I couldn't go to Camp Kesem without Lance.  I have a lot of friends because of LIVESTRONG and Lance."

But, she did mention that she didn't like that he was a cheater.  That in her mind was wrong.  BUT, for her, the LIVESTRONG community, the ability to attend Camp Kesem (read more about Camp Kesem here) and make friends that are JUST LIKE HER - with a parent that has cancer, a parent that is a cancer survivor or having lost a parent with cancer - has been a game-changing experience for her.  

So if a 9 year-old and 14 year-old can differentiate between Lance the cyclist and LIVESTRONG, shouldn't we all be able to differentiate?

My opinions about Lance really don't matter - because what Lance did on the bike may have impacted a sport and a lot of people, but I wasn't one of those people.  I am not one of those people that he needs to apologize to.  He didn't bully me, didn't threaten me, didn't ask me to help cover anything up, didn't pay me off.

Don't get me wrong - this doesn't mean my opinions about Lance the cyclist haven't changed, just like my opinions about Mark McGuire, Barry Bonds, Ben Johnson, Jose Canseco, Roger Clemens, Marion Jones, Alex Rodriquez, Lenny Dykstra, Andy Pettite, and the countless other athletes that have used banned substances to improve their performance changed.

The difference for me is that I never called any of these individuals my hero - and none of them asked any of us to make them our hero.

I'll say this though.  Lance survived cancer.  This alone makes him a hero in my book.  Because no one close to me - my mother, my father, my aunt, my sister, my husband and his grandmother - have survived cancer.

Yes, Lance is a cheater.  But let's remember, he also cheated cancer and death.  

That Lance, the cancer cheater, is my hero.....because of his approach to a disease, because of his vision and understanding that there was a void to help others cheat death.  
   
I have seen first hand the devastation cancer causes not only the individual fighting the disease, but the aftermath the cancer leaves when it steals a parent from their children.  

My mother passed away 43 years ago - and I'm 46.  I have lived my entire life dealing with the devastation of cancer.  My mom wasn't there for advice, my mom wasn't there to guide me through the difficult teenage years, my mom wasn't there to meet my husband, help me pick out my wedding gown, see me get married, give me advice as I became a first-time parent of my own.  

My own children are now going through that.....and it is no fun.

How I wish their father had cheated cancer.  

I'll respect everyone's personal opinions, but ask that before you lump LIVESTRONG into the same category as Lance cheating, you take time to learn about what LIVESTRONG does.  Perhaps read some of my past posts about how LIVESTRONG has saved me from drowning, how LIVESTRONG has helped countless thousands in their battles with cancer.  Yes, they do not fund research....but only because plenty of other organizations do.  And they do not discriminate against any type of cancer, any age of cancer patient, whether you have cancer or are related to a cancer patient, any nationality.  

I will continue my fundraising efforts for LIVESTRONG because I have personally benefited from LIVESTRONG, as have many of my friends.  It is personal to me....the LIVESTRONG community is like family to me.

I hope you'll continue to support me as the year goes on however, I will completely understand if you do not.....but ask that you consider other organizations that support the cancer community - perhaps Camp Kesem, Imerman Angels, Movember....the list goes on.  

I hope for all of us, that a athlete cheating will not keep valuable services unavailable for all of us if and when we need them.