I'm back.
Back from a much too long absence.
An accidental absence.
I haven't gone anywhere during this absence.
I haven't made any major life changes during either.
It has a been an absence of solitude.
Solitude or maybe perhaps better defined as loneliness.
So I return.
I return to this blog because getting the words down has made a difference in the past. Maybe no one will read them - that's OK. Somehow getting my thoughts out in the world helps. Strange but true. Perhaps that is because when I do, I realize I am not really as alone as I think I am. That others feel the same way or if nothing else, now have a better idea of what widowhood is like.
It has a been a slow decent.
I thought the worst years were behind me.
But I was wrong.
This past August marked the beginning of my tenth year as a widow. Ten years of solitude. I originally thought this was going to be a big year - that I was going to feel great about this milestone.
I had survived ten years of an unwelcome life as a single parent due to the hands of cancer. I had survived parenting alone for ten years. I survived the "crazy over scheduled" years with three kids involved in baseball, theater, swimming and art classes. I survived the teenage boy years, the learning to drive years, the applying to college years. I haven't quite survived the preteen girl years - that one is an enigma that I'm still trying to navigate. I barely survived the "getting out there and dating" - that one wasn't fun and but I tried it.
I have reached personal accomplishments I never dreamed of before Brian's passing. Traveling alone, marathons, cycling, sharing my personal story.
The most difficult years were behind me.
Or so I thought.
The past few years I've noticed more downs than ups.
More personal disappointment.
More boredom.
And feeling very stuck....trapped....in a life that doesn't feel like mine.
As I reflect back on the past year or two, each day seems the same. Just walking through life.
That needs to change. I need to change. What happens if I don't? Will those two years become five? ten? a lifetime?
I am not sure how I will do it but picking up this blog seems to be a start. The honestly needed to write these entries holds me accountable.
I will take baby steps....starting with exercising more regularly again. Then making some hard decisions on making major changes.
Honestly when we all look back on our lives, we all want it to have been full of life, right? Not full of being stuck in rut....watching the years pass by like a blink of an eye.
Have I lived a full life? Yes. But the question is, am I still living a full life? Nor really. I'm more likely to be sitting in my house doing nothing - like I was on this absolutely gorgeous spring day - wasting a perfectly fantastic day with not a single accomplishment other than a load of laundry, a trip to the grocery store and watching tv.
A reality check is needed. Until I truly reflected on the past two years, I didn't realize how unhappy I have been for so long. Without reflection, can any of us really change?
I'll keep you posted!
