Sunday, April 14, 2013

There Are Days.....

There is an old saying that time takes away the grief of men.

I respectfully disagree.

Grief never goes away.

It goes into hiding.

It resurfaces just when you think it has finally gone away.

Sometimes there is an anniversary or a memory that triggers it.

Often times, there is absolutely no reason.

But, it never completely goes away. 


Regardless of time.  

Regardless of how well your life is going.

Grief never disappears.

I have had different bouts of grief throughout my life due to the loss of my mother, father, sister, and brother-in-law.  

However, I am sure it comes as no surprise that the largest source of my grief is the loss of my husband Brian.  

Not a day goes by without a thought of Brian. 

Not a day goes by without a pang of sadness and missing him.

Some days the pang comes and goes.

Other days, it overwhelms me.

Other days, it overwhelms me and over stays its welcome.  

I suspect it has something to do with how complete my life seemed to be once Brian entered it.  

Grief unfortunately reminds me of how full my life was with him.

It serves as a reminder that my life is somewhat incomplete without him.

Don't get me wrong, I have a fantastic life.  I am extremely blessed with three wonderfully talented and amazingly independent, smart, resilient children.  Without my children, my life would be even more incomplete.  

Yes, I have a fantastic life.  Great family, great job, great friends, a roof over my head.

BUT,  grief keeps sneaking in reminding me of what I am missing.  Of how even more fantastic my life was.  And all the dreams and plans I had for my life as it was.

However, when grief overwhelms me, somehow I pull myself out of it.  I don't know how I do it.  Sometimes it is a swift kick in the butt from a friend, a good night sleep, a great run.  

During these times, that same sadness also reminds me of what I have, what I have overcome and causes me to reflect, redirect and set new goals.

As I write this, I am not sad but I am not happy.  I feel the sadness, the emptiness that grief introduces to us lurking.  I've pushed it aside but I know it is just waiting....waiting to pounce unannounced.

And hopefully, I'l be ready.  Hopefully it will be an easy hurdle but sometimes it isn't.

Why am I sharing this?  

We all know someone that is grieving or perhaps you are grieving - or will someday.

I don't imagine I am alone in feeling this way and I want others to know they are not alone.

I want others that are not grieving to understand that their grieving friends will go through a roller coaster of emotions the rest of their lives.  Sometimes up and down quite often, other times spread out over years.

But please know, grief is a very complicated.

Do not expect someone to just "move on", do not expect to feel "normal" again.  

Just when you think the old normal has returned, there it is....the grief resurfaces. 

This teeter-totter, tilt-a-whirl of emotions is the new normal. 

Be mindful.  Be prepared.  Be supportive.


  1. I really loved this...And oh boy, did it make me think of great-fullness, loss and the in between. Thanks for sharing!

    1. Thank you for your note. This is exactly what I was hoping for - to make people aware and be grateful. I just need to work on being more grateful for what I do have and not what I don't have.

  2. Thanks Barb. If I could write, I would have written this. It's as though you reached into my heart and found my words. Although I'm relatively new at this grief thing. knowing that it's not going to go away is almost a comfort. I don't ever want to get over the loss of Tim. I know he would want me to be happy and live my life and for the most part I am really doing that but I miss him so much. Today as I go to the marathon, something he and I did every year as he scheduled his appointments at Dana Farber for the day after marathon monday so we could do this, I think of him and remember the wonderful times we had cheering everyone at the finish line. Thank you again for this post and for having the talent to share.

    1. Cathy - Hugs to you! I knew I wasn't alone in how I felt. I hate that you are feeling this way too. So incredibly sad today with the events of the marathon - and even more so now that I am reading your note about your memory with Tim. Love to you and your family as you continue to grieve Tim

  3. You just helped me to explain to my head what my heart has been going through. xoxo