I know I have been absent.
Honestly, I have been been avoiding writing a post.
Not because I have nothing to say - that day will never come.
Not because I am hiding....well, maybe I am a little
Actually because recently I can't seem to find anything inspiring or positive to write about.
I know, I know....I have lots to be grateful for.
And yes, I know I could be a lot worse off. What could be so terrible?
Well, I have been at a breaking point. That point where being happy all the time is taking a toll on me. Because deep down I am not happy. And for the last 7 years, I have been putting up this front.
And before anyone gets overly concerned, I am not in any harm. But, the loneliness is overbearing at times. The always being needed by others is overbearing. Please do not get me wrong - I love my kids and I love that they "need" me.....but at times, I need a break. Just 10 minutes alone.....and without having to pretend to go to the bathroom so I can get that time. There are plenty of times I wish I could get just a single moment to myself....that there was another adult to help out from time to time.
And I'll be honest with you - (that's silly isn't it....because I'm brutally honest) - I have no sympathy for friends that have two adults and complain about how hard it is.....you DON'T know what it is like....you have no idea. And for my single divorced friends, I appreciate that you understand how difficult it is to be the one parent available, however, just as I can't possibly understand the intricacies associated with raising kids in a split household....please, do not offer me advice as though my situation is like yours. It isn't.
Work is no different. I love my job and love my employer. I am extremely appreciative of how flexible my company is to work/life situations and how flexible I can be to my own employees as they deal with personal issues. However, lately, work has become work. The moment I arrive to the moment I leave, I am being pulled in a million directions with requests and everyone wants something from me.
So my entire day - between home and work - feels like I am failing. I am unable to make everyone happy....I am unable to meet the needs of everyone. And I am unable to find time for a few moments for me.
The worst part - at times (more often than not), an entire day goes by without a care in the world about me from another adult or my children..
Never am I asked "How was your day?" or "What can I do for you?" or "How are you feeling?" or "Wow Mom, you look wiped out."
It gets exhausting.....it gets depressing....it gets lonely.
Sure, if I just jumped in my car and drove away, I know my kids would miss me. I know they love me. But sometimes that isn't enough.
And just so you all know....being alone ISN'T always as wonderful as you all think it is. There is definitely a difference between solitude and loneliness.
We choose to have solitude. We do not choose to be lonely.
And being lonely isn't something that you can just wave a wand and change. Those that think you can have never felt real loneliness......7 years of loneliness.
Yes, I have fantastic friends....and I do appreciate each and everyone of you. But the constant loneliness that permeates my life is not going to go away because I have friends.
It is the intimacy of a relationship.....the having someone really care about you....about wanting to take care of you whether or not you want to be taken care of.....the idea that you are the last thought when they fall asleep and the first though when they wake up....this is what is missing. It is the happiness that comes from being "needed" by another adult....having someone being a "compliment" to your life. And actually occasionally complimenting you doesn't hurt either.
And please, don't tell me I need to open myself up to the idea of dating. I have. You need to have someone interested in dating you to be able to date.
It's a vicious cycle. The constant being pulled in a million directions. The rejection. The loneliness. The exhaustion of being "up" all the time.
So, there you go. That is what has been going on with me. Depressing huh? But reality.....and more than likely, how most every widow or widower you know has felt at some point in their widowhood.
Follow-up comment ~
Let me add, that this isn't every day.....it ebbs and flows. There are periods that are just fine then bam....out of nowhere...the breaking point surfaces only to disappear a few hours or a day later. I am amazed at how many others have shared a similar occurrence with me in the short time this has been posted. Something that has always surprised me since the first day I began writing RunningStrong for Hope is the number of people out there that "get it." With each post - whether it be about cancer, running, feelings of widowhood - it has drawn others to me and into my life. Thank you for all your support and friendship!