My Father's Day "Aha!" Moment

We have all been amused by watching a baby roll over for the first time, haven't we?

The proud parents, kneeling nearby, grins on their faces.  What an accomplishment!

Of course, there is that period of time when they are soooo very close to figuring it out.  But they just don't have enough  "umph" to finish the roll.

We parents just sit there and watch with anticipation....to be proud parents.  Knowing that this is our first opportunity to let our kids be successful.  They need to learn how to do things on their own, right?

Eventually, due to perseverance, they get it.  The roll is complete!  They did it!  We parents grin even more....and clap....and more than likely have gotten it on video (in my case my huge video camera - which was quite compact at the time but today more than likely on an iPhone and immediately put on Facebook or YouTube to share with the world).

We celebrate and forget - forget that now they need to roll back over.  The baby lies on his/her belly...stuck.

Have you ever wondered what they are thinking at that exact moment?  What they are feeling?

I imagine although we think it is an enormous accomplishment, the baby is thinking "uh oh....now what.  I'm stuck."

Why in the world am I thinking of this?


Unfortunately, this past 18 months I have been feeling very stuck.  I feel as though I rolled over and can't figure out how to roll back.  I start to feel like I'm moving forward, then I hit a stand-still, perhaps slip backwards a little, then bounce forward again, just to start the vicious cycle all over again.

This has been what my life has been like for the past 8 years - what the aftermath of cancer has created in my life, in my kids lives, in the circle around me - my poor friends have been the recipients of the good and bad.

A difficult and unfortunate break-up caused me to question quite a bit about myself, my ability to share my emotions ever again, to trust ever again, and of course the common question of "what is wrong with me?"   18 months later and that one unfortunate slip in trusting others continues to erode my confidence in myself.  It has caused me to doubt myself about a multitude of things each day, and has caused me to put up walls that will more than likely never come down.  Again a vicious cycle....self-doubt, lack of trust, walls causes loneliness.....which causes sadness, self-doubt, etc etc etc.

The continued loneliness that surrounds me - especially on weekends - just makes it worse.  Everywhere I go, I seem to see people together....and I wonder why I don't deserve that happiness.

No, this isn't a pity party....and I know not everyone else is happy either.  But, being in a state of being "stuck" in life makes you wonder about a lot of things.


So why am I share this with you today of all days?  Why today is Father's Day.

Which makes me think of my father (of course) and my late spouse, the wonderful father to my three children.

Both provided me unconditional support - although I will admit it has taken being a parent myself  to recognize all the support and guidance my own father provided me.  Both provided me confidence in myself.  Neither ever doubted my abilities.  Both had bucket load of confidence in me and my abilities.  Both never saw obstacles in my way.  Both loved me unconditionally.

I suppose both would have assumed that that baby would be able to roll back over effortlessly.

BUT, I am resolved to become unstuck.  I am frustrated that I have allowed life to begin passing me by.

And I realize that both my father and Brian would be upset with me for doubting my abilities.

Do you know what is funny about this situation?  As a parent, I never allow my children to doubt their abilities.  They are capable of doing anything they want.

And SO AM I!

I described today to someone with this exact quote - "Kids going about day as normal.  Me....sadness lurks underneath of what today could have been when I see others."

And to that I say - "DAMN YOU CANCER!"
 
More importantly, to the Father's out there (and father figures) I say this - "Never ever doubt the impact you are having on another's life.  The love and support you provide will always be an amazing safety net to your children."

Thank you Dad for providing me my safety net....and Brian for adding on to that net while creating one for each of our own children.  It is this safety net and my awareness of it that it going to get me to roll back over.

The Breaking Point

I know I have been absent.

Honestly, I have been been avoiding writing a post.

Not because I have nothing to say - that day will never come.

Not because I am hiding....well, maybe I am a little

Actually because recently I can't seem to find anything inspiring or positive to write about.

I know, I know....I have lots to be grateful for.

And yes, I know I could be a lot worse off.  What could be so terrible?

Well, I have been at a breaking point.  That point where being happy all the time is taking a toll on me.  Because deep down I am not happy.  And for the last 7 years, I have been putting up this front.


And before anyone gets overly concerned, I am not in any harm.  But, the loneliness is overbearing at times.  The always being needed by others is overbearing.  Please do not get me wrong - I love my kids and I love that they "need" me.....but at times, I need a break.  Just 10 minutes alone.....and without having to pretend to go to the bathroom so I can get that time.  There are plenty of times I wish I could get just a single moment to myself....that there was another adult to help out from time to time.

And I'll be honest with you - (that's silly isn't it....because I'm brutally honest) - I have no sympathy for friends that have two adults and complain about how hard it is.....you DON'T know what it is like....you have no idea.  And for my single divorced friends, I appreciate that you understand how difficult it is to be the one parent available, however, just as I can't possibly understand the intricacies associated with raising kids in a split household....please, do not offer me advice as though my situation is like yours.  It isn't. 

Work is no different.  I love my job and love my employer.  I am extremely appreciative of how flexible my company is to work/life situations and how flexible I can be to my own employees as they deal with personal issues.  However, lately, work has become work.  The moment I arrive to the moment I leave, I am being pulled in a million directions with requests and everyone wants something from me.

So my entire day - between home and work - feels like I am failing.  I am unable to make everyone happy....I am unable to meet the needs of everyone.  And I am unable to find time for a few moments for me.

The worst part - at times (more often than not), an entire day goes by without a care in the world about me from another adult or my children..

Never am I asked "How was your day?" or "What can I do for you?" or "How are you feeling?" or "Wow Mom, you look wiped out."

It gets exhausting.....it gets depressing....it gets lonely.

Sure, if I just jumped in my car and drove away, I know my kids would miss me.  I know they love me.  But sometimes that isn't enough.

And just so you all know....being alone ISN'T always as wonderful as you all think it is.  There is definitely a difference between solitude and loneliness.

We choose to have solitude.  We do not choose to be lonely.

And being lonely isn't something that you can just wave a wand and change.  Those that think you can have never felt real loneliness......7 years of loneliness.

Yes, I have fantastic friends....and I do appreciate each and everyone of you.  But the constant loneliness that permeates my life is not going to go away because I have friends.

It is the intimacy of a relationship.....the having someone really care about you....about wanting to take care of you whether or not you want to be taken care of.....the idea that you are the last thought when they fall asleep and the first though when they wake up....this is what is missing.  It is the happiness that comes from being "needed" by another adult....having someone being a "compliment" to your life. And actually occasionally complimenting you doesn't hurt either.

And please, don't tell me I need to open myself up to the idea of dating.  I have.  You need to have someone interested in dating you to be able to date.

It's a vicious cycle.  The constant being pulled in a million directions.  The rejection.  The loneliness.  The exhaustion of being "up" all the time.

So, there you go.  That is what has been going on with me.  Depressing huh?  But reality.....and more than likely, how most every widow or widower you know has felt at some point in their widowhood.


Follow-up comment ~
Let me add, that this isn't every day.....it ebbs and flows.  There are periods that are just fine then bam....out of nowhere...the breaking point surfaces only to disappear a few hours or a day later.  I am amazed at how many others have shared a similar occurrence with me in the short time this has been posted.  Something that has always surprised me since the first day I began writing RunningStrong for Hope is the number of people out there that "get it."  With each post - whether it be about cancer, running, feelings of widowhood - it has drawn others to me and into my life.  Thank you for all your support and friendship!

It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To

I had the opportunity to attend some amazing and uplifting events the past month - cheering on the Chicago Marathon Team LIVESTRONG runners, attending the Ride for the Roses event at the Austin LIVESTRONG Challenge, and just last weekend, running the NYC Marathon for Team LIVESTRONG.  

Surrounded by my LIVESTRONG family....weekends filled with inspiration, joy, some cycling, running, dancing, laughing hysterically and just plain ole' fun.

All the anticipation of these events and the actual excitement of the events came with a cost this year.  In years past, I've entered these events in a tail-spin and being around the LIVESTRONG community lifted me up.  Unfortunately, this year, it has been quite the opposite.  I mentioned this in my previous blog as feeling as though I was watching from the sidelines....but now I don't even feel like I'm on the sidelines.

I think those LIVESTRONG filled weekends caused me to feel quite empty and alone once I returned back to reality and without the constant influence of the most inspiring people I know.

For the past 3 weeks, I have been dealing with some rather dark moments.  Moments that make me just want to lie in bed and pull the covers over my head.  Moments that make me dread the sun rising and the sun setting each day.  Please know that I love life, I love my kids, I love my friends and I am not in such a state that I do not recognize that I have a blessed life...but suddenly I am feeling very trapped....mostly dreading being alone for the rest of my life.
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I know, I know....I've heard it a million times...."the right one is out there," "you need to stop thinking about being alone and live," "you deserve better" etc.  Hmmmm......interestingly enough, all this advice is always provided by those that are not alone, all in happy loving relationships or are single by their own choice.
 
Well, my answer to those statements -

• "I had the right one....he was taken away from me by cancer."
• "It is hard to ignore being alone when loneliness surrounds you 24 hours a day, 365 days a year for 7 years....with no light at the end of the tunnel."  
• "Who determines I deserve better?  What exactly is better?"

Don't get me wrong - I love my friends and I love that they want to make me feel better.  I truly appreciate all of you being so positive and trying to cheer me up.  But sometimes, being sad is necessary to be happy again.  I am just getting sick and tired of the sadness, sick and tired of not having someone out there that is wondering about me.  I just want to be part of someone's life....and to be part of someone elses life.  I know that doesn't make a person....but let's all admit....it certainly feels good to be important to someone.


So, although I know I am quite fabulous and a lot of people are missing out, it doesn't change reality.  Right now I am sad....I am lonely....I am dreading the winter gloom....and the holidays.  Yes, I am not being the upbeat full-of-life person you all seem to think I am.   Reality check - I am that person but lately there isn't any reason to be that person.

I know what you are thinking....Barb's having a pity party.  

So what!  "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!  You would cry too if it happened to you."

I will get through this as I have all the obstacles in my life.

Don't worry but please keep in mind that although it has been 7 years since Brian passed, and I keep myself busy with races, skydiving, trips etc., these activities to not replace being alone.

I like to think that we all have periods of sadness in our lives otherwise we would never appreciate the periods of happiness, right?

OK, I promise my next posts will be more uplifting....updates about these amazing weekends are in the works.....keep a lookout for them!

Thanks again for all your support this year -I would certainly be adrift by know if it weren't for all the lifesavers surrounding me day in and day out - all of YOU!

Watching Life from the Sidelines

Do you ever get the feeling that you are on the outside looking in?  That you are on the sidelines watching others live life?  That you are a silent observer?

That is exactly how I have been feeling this week.

I suppose part of this is the melancholy that follows my yearly reunion with like minded cancer hating advocates.  LIVESTRONG events are always extremely motivating and energizing, and this past LIVESTRONG Challenge in Austin - in conjunction with the Ride for the Roses weekend (an event held for those individuals that raise over $10,000) was no exception.  As a matter of fact, to be honest, each year it becomes more energizing.  Think of this as a reunion on steroids.  The passion, friendships, creativity, ideas, and support are out of this world.

Funny,  the aspects I love most about LIVESTRONG - the sense of community being the most important to me on an individual daily basis - is also the aspect that causes a sense of emptiness at times.

After spending so much time for such a concentrated period with outgoing, supportive, understanding, inspiring friends, it is truly difficult to come back to reality.

Yes, I have fantastic friends surrounding me each and everyday.....but lately, I've been feeling a bit out of the mix.  On the outside looking in.


So, I suppose some of my feelings this week are due to coming down from this amazing high.

But, how to address it?

Several times this week and weekend I have caught myself just watching.....from the sidelines....waiting....as though I was on the outside looking in.  Have you ever felt invisible?  Yep....had that feeling a bit this week too.

Again, I suppose it was from the non-stop social aspect of the Ride for the Roses weekend.  Wherever you went, there were people you knew....people that were excited to see you.....people that wanted to know what was going on in your life.

Unfortunately, there are days in which I - and I suspect we all have these days - feel that no one would even miss me.   Don't get me wrong - I know my kids and friends love me....and at times need me.  But....in reality, my kids are getting to ages where hanging out with their parent isn't the end all, be all moment.....and my friends have lives of their own.

I recognize this is normal....this is when I tend to reach out to my friends, or have a great pity-party cry, or go out for a run.

What do you do when you find yourself watching the world from the sidelines?

Solitude Is Pleasant....Loneliness is Not

Loneliness is proof that your innate search for connection is intact. ~ Martha Beck

I love this quote.....it was the only one that gave loneliness a positive spin.


Of course, any post that starts out with a quote about loneliness doesn't sound like it will be exciting, funny and inspiring.

I will admit that you are correct.  Nope, no laughs in this one.....nothing inspiring like running a marathon or jumping into thin air 11,000 feet from earth.

Just a very personal, sole bearing post....about loneliness.  A glimpse into the feelings of a widow, me...and a lot of other widows/widowers I suspect.  This isn't a pity party - although it may sound like one - but it isn't.  It is reality.

There are a lot of pitfalls to being a widow....most of which I have accepted and overcame.  The one I cannot shake is the sheer loneliness.

Yes, I am surrounded by my three children, great friends, co-workers....I lead a pretty active life....I have a nice house.....I have a great job.  So what could possible be wrong?

Well, I am alone.  My kids are kids....and I am their parent not their friend or companion.  My co-workers are people I work with - and I probably spend the majority of my time with - but we are there to work.....it isn't social time....and I manage many of them, so the level of friendship is a bit different.  My friends are amazing....but they have their own lives, their own kids, their own spouses.....or they live far away.  And this doesn't sit easily with someone as social as myself.

"I had become, with the approach of night, once more aware of loneliness and time - those two companions without whom no journey can yield us anything." ~ Lawrence Durrell

It is that companionship of another adult I miss most.  Granted, being married doesn't mean you spend every moment of every day with your spouse...life gets in the way.  I understand that....I was married....so I recognize at times, there can be a sense of loneliness in a marriage.


The difference is.....the loneliness of a widow never goes away.  It hangs on - sometimes hiding for an hour, a day, a month.....but it is always there.

It has always been there....lurking in the background....but in the span of a month, two very close friends moved for fantastic opportunities (very happy for both of them) and a relationship I now realize I was much too invested in by trusting someone I loved to be a part of my life suddenly disappeared into thin air.  Suddenly my loneliness jumped out from it's hiding spot and became even more magnified.

These changes in my life made being along so much more apparent to me.  I suppose I had been too busy dealing with Brian's death and the kids to really ever notice it.

I used to be able to do things on my own.....but now I dread it.  I routinely went to Chicago for the weekend by myself, but I am heading there this weekend and although I'm looking forward to the activities that are bringing me there, I am dreading all the time I will have alone.

To put this in perspective,  think about the last time you were REALLY and truly alone....not for a few days....but for weeks that turn into months that turn into a year.....that suddenly turns into years.....and you realize time has slipped away.....and all you have to look forward to is more days, weeks, months and years alone.  It is an awful feeling and one I think most widows feel.....and keep to themselves.

We widows put on a good front....we have to be strong....many of us have children and jobs which require a level of strength just to get up and moving each day.  Over time, that becomes more routine....and we really don't have a choice but to keep moving - for our kids, for our employment so we can care for our kids.  But, deep down.....deep deep down.....there are a lot of emotions that we are afraid to expose.....for fear of being viewed as weak....for fear of upsetting our children.....for fear of impacting our livelihood, our source of income.  I often times feel trapped in my life and angry that others are happy....every moment of every day is a personal struggle at times.

I love my friendships, I love my children but I miss the companionship of being in a loving relationship.....of having someone wonder about you.....someone that checks in on you.....someone that just wants to hear your voice.....someone to be in the same space as you.....to fill that void and provide you with a feeling of safety.   Of not being alone.

Damn you cancer!  Damn you for ruining my dreams of growing old with the man I love.  Damn you for bringing hopelessness into my vocabulary.

To be clear, this is NOT a pity party.....it is the reality of my situation.  And some days I'm better at being strong and kicking my life into gear.

And some days I am not.

Something we all want and crave.....but I am also not willing to settle.....I would rather be lonely alone than lonely with someone.

The sky is one whole, the water another; and between those two infinities the soul of man is in loneliness. ~ Henryk Sienkiewicz