Surrounded by my LIVESTRONG family....weekends filled with inspiration, joy, some cycling, running, dancing, laughing hysterically and just plain ole' fun.
All the anticipation of these events and the actual excitement of the events came with a cost this year. In years past, I've entered these events in a tail-spin and being around the LIVESTRONG community lifted me up. Unfortunately, this year, it has been quite the opposite. I mentioned this in my previous blog as feeling as though I was watching from the sidelines....but now I don't even feel like I'm on the sidelines.
I think those LIVESTRONG filled weekends caused me to feel quite empty and alone once I returned back to reality and without the constant influence of the most inspiring people I know.
For the past 3 weeks, I have been dealing with some rather dark moments. Moments that make me just want to lie in bed and pull the covers over my head. Moments that make me dread the sun rising and the sun setting each day. Please know that I love life, I love my kids, I love my friends and I am not in such a state that I do not recognize that I have a blessed life...but suddenly I am feeling very trapped....mostly dreading being alone for the rest of my life.
I know, I know....I've heard it a million times...."the right one is out there," "you need to stop thinking about being alone and live," "you deserve better" etc. Hmmmm......interestingly enough, all this advice is always provided by those that are not alone, all in happy loving relationships or are single by their own choice.
Well, my answer to those statements -
- "I had the right one....he was taken away from me by cancer."
- "It is hard to ignore being alone when loneliness surrounds you 24 hours a day, 365 days a year for 7 years....with no light at the end of the tunnel."
- "Who determines I deserve better? What exactly is better?"
Don't get me wrong - I love my friends and I love that they want to make me feel better. I truly appreciate all of you being so positive and trying to cheer me up. But sometimes, being sad is necessary to be happy again. I am just getting sick and tired of the sadness, sick and tired of not having someone out there that is wondering about me. I just want to be part of someone's life....and to be part of someone elses life. I know that doesn't make a person....but let's all admit....it certainly feels good to be important to someone.
So, although I know I am quite fabulous and a lot of people are missing out, it doesn't change reality. Right now I am sad....I am lonely....I am dreading the winter gloom....and the holidays. Yes, I am not being the upbeat full-of-life person you all seem to think I am. Reality check - I am that person but lately there isn't any reason to be that person.
I know what you are thinking....Barb's having a pity party.
So what! "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to! You would cry too if it happened to you."
I will get through this as I have all the obstacles in my life.
Don't worry but please keep in mind that although it has been 7 years since Brian passed, and I keep myself busy with races, skydiving, trips etc., these activities to not replace being alone.
I like to think that we all have periods of sadness in our lives otherwise we would never appreciate the periods of happiness, right?
OK, I promise my next posts will be more uplifting....updates about these amazing weekends are in the works.....keep a lookout for them!
Thanks again for all your support this year -I would certainly be adrift by know if it weren't for all the lifesavers surrounding me day in and day out - all of YOU!