What Parenting Tought Me About Being Second Best

It'll take a moment to get to my aha moment of parenting but I need to set the stage.....it's there....trust me....you just need to be patient.

This week has been an extremely difficult week.

I am certain there are others have far worse weeks than I.

I am certain that the reasons my week was awful is petty in compared to others.

And I am most certain, given the crappy circumstances I have been dealt throughout my life, that these experiences this week are not nearly as bad as those.

But, bad moments on top of other bad moments, really are tough to bounce back from when they come all at once.

Nothing life threatening.

Nothing tragic.

Just a lot of circumstances in which I was reminded that I was or am second best.

Second best in some situations is pretty nice - like in the Olympics or the lottery.  In both those situations, yes, being first would have been nice but second still has it's perks.

Mine were not Olympic Silver moments....Nope....not even close.

I have had several situations over the past few years in which someone else decided I was second best

Well that's too bad for them, right?  Yes, but in reality, it does hurt being second best.

This week I was reminded of several of those.  One came flashing back by a simple song playing in a restaurant.  The song reminded me of someone that I loved and have tried so desperately to forget and move on from.  That one song brought back a floodgate of memories and pangs in my heart.  All for someone that no longer even thinks of me, that loved me but I was an option and tossed me aside when something new and better came along.  Second best.

Another was an awkward run-in with someone that actually had to make a choice and, yep, I was on the losing end of that one as well.  Second best.   The run-in was awkward because the first choice was at their side....and certainly didn't know the flustered mom saying hello was a second choice.

Another was a professional situation in which, by no purposeful intention, I was made to feel as though I was not as good others.  And still another was a situation in which it was a surprise to me to find out that I was no longer a first choice.

All different circumstances.

All rather personal and as you can imagine humiliating, embarrassing and as human nature has it, any one of those would be enough to cause self doubt.

But the worst part of this week?

Seeing my child go through a similar situation and seeing the disappointment, anger, sadness, and self doubt creep in.

My son was involved in a competition that requires quite a bit of subjective judging.  On any given day, the same speech could be considered a winner or enough to miss the cut depending on a judge.

That day, he just missed the cut.  A matter of one or two points after days of competition and he was sitting in the hotel watching the Heat make the Spurs second best while others were prepping for the finals competition the next morning.

As I tried to console him, rather unsuccessfully I may add, I heard myself telling him I wish I could tell you life was fair, but it is not.

I wish I could tell you that this won't happen again in your lifetime, but it won't.

I wish I could tell you that everything will be ok, but you won't believe me.

I wish I could take the hurt away, but I can't.  It will hurt.  It will sting.  It will fad away but every now and again, something will remind you - a song, a smell, a joke, a memory - and the hurt will come back....not as strong.....but it will come back.

Be sad, be angry, be disappointed....but eventually in a few days, wake up and vow to put that in the past.  Accept it and allow that disappointment, anger and sadness to propel you forward to greater pastures.

Hmmmm......perhaps this is advice I should take?

So, here is my plan.  I am going to make some changes.  Changes in my day to day life.  Changes in my professional life.  Changes in how I make decisions, changes in my dreams.  I'm going to write them down and look at them EVERYDAY.

And although being second best pretty much sucks (sorry but there isn't any better word to describe it), I am going to take being second best as a blessing.....as an inspiration to do greater things with my life.....to take the opportunity to do WHATEVER I want and do it as best as I can.

To those around me that thought I was second best (not that I think they are reading along), well, I hope they don't eventually realize what everyone else knows - that I'm first-class, fabulous. talented and incredibly smart - because then guess who will feel like second best....not me!

Wow, parenting teaches the parent!

My Father's Day "Aha!" Moment

We have all been amused by watching a baby roll over for the first time, haven't we?

The proud parents, kneeling nearby, grins on their faces.  What an accomplishment!

Of course, there is that period of time when they are soooo very close to figuring it out.  But they just don't have enough  "umph" to finish the roll.

We parents just sit there and watch with anticipation....to be proud parents.  Knowing that this is our first opportunity to let our kids be successful.  They need to learn how to do things on their own, right?

Eventually, due to perseverance, they get it.  The roll is complete!  They did it!  We parents grin even more....and clap....and more than likely have gotten it on video (in my case my huge video camera - which was quite compact at the time but today more than likely on an iPhone and immediately put on Facebook or YouTube to share with the world).

We celebrate and forget - forget that now they need to roll back over.  The baby lies on his/her belly...stuck.

Have you ever wondered what they are thinking at that exact moment?  What they are feeling?

I imagine although we think it is an enormous accomplishment, the baby is thinking "uh oh....now what.  I'm stuck."

Why in the world am I thinking of this?


Unfortunately, this past 18 months I have been feeling very stuck.  I feel as though I rolled over and can't figure out how to roll back.  I start to feel like I'm moving forward, then I hit a stand-still, perhaps slip backwards a little, then bounce forward again, just to start the vicious cycle all over again.

This has been what my life has been like for the past 8 years - what the aftermath of cancer has created in my life, in my kids lives, in the circle around me - my poor friends have been the recipients of the good and bad.

A difficult and unfortunate break-up caused me to question quite a bit about myself, my ability to share my emotions ever again, to trust ever again, and of course the common question of "what is wrong with me?"   18 months later and that one unfortunate slip in trusting others continues to erode my confidence in myself.  It has caused me to doubt myself about a multitude of things each day, and has caused me to put up walls that will more than likely never come down.  Again a vicious cycle....self-doubt, lack of trust, walls causes loneliness.....which causes sadness, self-doubt, etc etc etc.

The continued loneliness that surrounds me - especially on weekends - just makes it worse.  Everywhere I go, I seem to see people together....and I wonder why I don't deserve that happiness.

No, this isn't a pity party....and I know not everyone else is happy either.  But, being in a state of being "stuck" in life makes you wonder about a lot of things.


So why am I share this with you today of all days?  Why today is Father's Day.

Which makes me think of my father (of course) and my late spouse, the wonderful father to my three children.

Both provided me unconditional support - although I will admit it has taken being a parent myself  to recognize all the support and guidance my own father provided me.  Both provided me confidence in myself.  Neither ever doubted my abilities.  Both had bucket load of confidence in me and my abilities.  Both never saw obstacles in my way.  Both loved me unconditionally.

I suppose both would have assumed that that baby would be able to roll back over effortlessly.

BUT, I am resolved to become unstuck.  I am frustrated that I have allowed life to begin passing me by.

And I realize that both my father and Brian would be upset with me for doubting my abilities.

Do you know what is funny about this situation?  As a parent, I never allow my children to doubt their abilities.  They are capable of doing anything they want.

And SO AM I!

I described today to someone with this exact quote - "Kids going about day as normal.  Me....sadness lurks underneath of what today could have been when I see others."

And to that I say - "DAMN YOU CANCER!"
 
More importantly, to the Father's out there (and father figures) I say this - "Never ever doubt the impact you are having on another's life.  The love and support you provide will always be an amazing safety net to your children."

Thank you Dad for providing me my safety net....and Brian for adding on to that net while creating one for each of our own children.  It is this safety net and my awareness of it that it going to get me to roll back over.