My Father's Day "Aha!" Moment

We have all been amused by watching a baby roll over for the first time, haven't we?

The proud parents, kneeling nearby, grins on their faces.  What an accomplishment!

Of course, there is that period of time when they are soooo very close to figuring it out.  But they just don't have enough  "umph" to finish the roll.

We parents just sit there and watch with anticipation....to be proud parents.  Knowing that this is our first opportunity to let our kids be successful.  They need to learn how to do things on their own, right?

Eventually, due to perseverance, they get it.  The roll is complete!  They did it!  We parents grin even more....and clap....and more than likely have gotten it on video (in my case my huge video camera - which was quite compact at the time but today more than likely on an iPhone and immediately put on Facebook or YouTube to share with the world).

We celebrate and forget - forget that now they need to roll back over.  The baby lies on his/her belly...stuck.

Have you ever wondered what they are thinking at that exact moment?  What they are feeling?

I imagine although we think it is an enormous accomplishment, the baby is thinking "uh oh....now what.  I'm stuck."

Why in the world am I thinking of this?


Unfortunately, this past 18 months I have been feeling very stuck.  I feel as though I rolled over and can't figure out how to roll back.  I start to feel like I'm moving forward, then I hit a stand-still, perhaps slip backwards a little, then bounce forward again, just to start the vicious cycle all over again.

This has been what my life has been like for the past 8 years - what the aftermath of cancer has created in my life, in my kids lives, in the circle around me - my poor friends have been the recipients of the good and bad.

A difficult and unfortunate break-up caused me to question quite a bit about myself, my ability to share my emotions ever again, to trust ever again, and of course the common question of "what is wrong with me?"   18 months later and that one unfortunate slip in trusting others continues to erode my confidence in myself.  It has caused me to doubt myself about a multitude of things each day, and has caused me to put up walls that will more than likely never come down.  Again a vicious cycle....self-doubt, lack of trust, walls causes loneliness.....which causes sadness, self-doubt, etc etc etc.

The continued loneliness that surrounds me - especially on weekends - just makes it worse.  Everywhere I go, I seem to see people together....and I wonder why I don't deserve that happiness.

No, this isn't a pity party....and I know not everyone else is happy either.  But, being in a state of being "stuck" in life makes you wonder about a lot of things.


So why am I share this with you today of all days?  Why today is Father's Day.

Which makes me think of my father (of course) and my late spouse, the wonderful father to my three children.

Both provided me unconditional support - although I will admit it has taken being a parent myself  to recognize all the support and guidance my own father provided me.  Both provided me confidence in myself.  Neither ever doubted my abilities.  Both had bucket load of confidence in me and my abilities.  Both never saw obstacles in my way.  Both loved me unconditionally.

I suppose both would have assumed that that baby would be able to roll back over effortlessly.

BUT, I am resolved to become unstuck.  I am frustrated that I have allowed life to begin passing me by.

And I realize that both my father and Brian would be upset with me for doubting my abilities.

Do you know what is funny about this situation?  As a parent, I never allow my children to doubt their abilities.  They are capable of doing anything they want.

And SO AM I!

I described today to someone with this exact quote - "Kids going about day as normal.  Me....sadness lurks underneath of what today could have been when I see others."

And to that I say - "DAMN YOU CANCER!"
 
More importantly, to the Father's out there (and father figures) I say this - "Never ever doubt the impact you are having on another's life.  The love and support you provide will always be an amazing safety net to your children."

Thank you Dad for providing me my safety net....and Brian for adding on to that net while creating one for each of our own children.  It is this safety net and my awareness of it that it going to get me to roll back over.

My Love of Sports - A Father's Day Tribute

Written by my daughter for her father, but my sentiments exactly for my own father

The Boston Bruin's Stanley Cup win this week was very fitting for Father's Day.

My father was a HUGE Bruin's fan - and shared his love of all Boston sports with his family....along with his love of hockey.  We may have been born and raised in New York, but there isn't a Yankee or Met fan among his children - and anyone we brought home to meet him that was, was greeted with a bit of suspect.

My father unfortunately passed away in 2003 after a valiant battle with cancer....never witnessing the Boston Red Sox winning a World Series in his lifetime.  They ended that 86 year drought the following year in St. Louis (I, along with all our local Cubs fans, were thrilled with that win).


I give my father credit for my love of sports and competitive spirit.  He encouraged his children to participate in sports - and back in the 70's that was not as popular as it is now for our children.  Although he wasn't able to attend many of my field hockey games and track meets, he always was willing to drive me to/from practices, camps, and support me in my quest to play in college.  He also was very supportive when I decided to quit playing field hockey - after all those practices, camps, etc.  It was my decision and he never once asked me to reconsider or make me feel regretful.

My mother passed away when I was 2 years old - again a loved one lost after a battle with cancer - and my father was left with his own grief, 5 children and in a city without any family support.  I had no appreciation for what he endured and sacrificed for the five of us - although I suspect all children lack this ability.

How ironic that 36 years later, I was placed in the same situation.  Sadly, my father passed away the year prior to Brian's passing.  I have lost count of the number of times I have wished he were alive so I could ask him how he did it, for advice in raising children alone, how he overcame the loneliness, how he juggled all the parenting tasks so effortlessly.  My father NEVER appeared to be drowning - never appeared to be filled with the anxiety I have on occasion been paralyzed with.

I am so regretful that I never appreciated what an amazing father he was, how he prepared me to be independent and thrive regardless of what life throws at you.

Earlier this month I wrote a tribute to my husband, Brian, for our anniversary.  I would be remiss to not mention him on this important day as well.

Brian did get to see his Phillies win a World Series back in 1980 as a child,  however, the remainder of his life, he was forced to see them viewed as hapless....and just missed out on their most triumphant years.  He would be pleased that his boys and daughter are diehard Phillies fans - and especially baseball fans.

Just as I am a hockey fan because of my father, Jay and Nolan are 100% fans of not only the Phillies but the game of baseball because of Brian.  Any vacation we took involved baseball.  It didn't matter what city and what teams were playing.  Spring Break trips at Spring Training became a tradition for Brian and the boys.....one that we've done without him once and it was actually difficult for my older son to not have his dad there.  So much that he asked we not do it the next year.

I know that my children miss their father as much as I miss mine....and I am absolutely grateful for the lifetime of memories I have of my father.

What interest do you have that you credit your father for?