A Day of Dispair that Didn't Turn into Days of Dispair

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." 

Yesterday was a rough day.

I have no idea why.

The day started well.

And nothing went wrong.

 

No bad encounters with other human beings.

 

No issues with kids.

 

No problems with my car.

 

No complaints or issues at work.

 

But.......

 

as time ticked on throughout the day,

 

a cloud of doom started forming in my mind.

 

Sadness started to sneak in.

 

Boredom and unhappiness with my life drifted in.

 

Feelings of my life wasting away seeped in.

 

Dispair of loneliness crept in.

 

Slowly....very slowly....so slowly I didn't realize it until I was home from work.

 

I escaped from the kids for a few moments....in the nick of time....and burst into uncontrollable tears.

 

But then I reached out.

I sent a note to a friend and posted a tweet.

Within moments I had notes back from my LIVESTRONG family friends.

Lifting my spirits.

Inspiring me.

Rekindling my inner spirit.

Reminding me to LIVESTRONG.

And off to the gym I dragged myself.

And I kicked that sadness' butt.....but only after after my "inner spirit rekindled" by friends....some I've never met before but we have a common bond with LIVESTRONG.

I chalk yesterday up to another day that cancer tried beating me down.....those feelings would never have existed if Brian, Mom, Dad and my sister were still here with me.

GO TO HELL CANCER!  

I have a lot of cancer hating ass kicker friends that LIVESTRONG......

And we will NOT let you impact our lives ANYMORE!

My 8-year old Inspiriation

August....a month filled with both dread and joy. Every year August creeps up on me.....I suspect I am not alone.

August means the end of summer....back to school.....last minute vacations-which means extra work at work to prepare for said vacation or covering for others.  Budget time....the return of the college students - meaning the quiet laziness of the downtown area around the campus changes.....some may say it comes back to life but surprisingly, this city gal loves the relaxing feel....sitting outside at the coffee shop, meeting friends for a glass of wine or pint on the outdoor patios, going for ice cream or even lying in the grass in the middle of the downtown circle watching the clouds.

It also marks the 8th anniversary of the birth of my mini-me.....my red-headed fireball daughter that makes me laugh....a smile from her warms my soul.   She was an unexpected  present to Brian and I.  We had  planned on only two children but I can't imagine our family being complete without her.

I am realizing more and more each day that there was a plan for Rachel's arrival. She not only looks like me....but she compliments me. Rachel is 100% a free spirit.....maybe that's typical of red-heads.....her creativity, energy, and overall spirit keep me going on days I want to crawl back under the covers.   She finds joy in the littlest things....a bike ride to the crab apple tree down the street is worthy of a 20 minute story -or better yet a song or operetta - although the ride may have only been 2 minutes long.


This little 8 year old joined me on my trip to Philadelphia to participate in the LIVESTRONG Challenge....to recognize the anniversary of her Dad's passing and her birthday.  She jumped right in - first by creating a memory card for Brian to post on the LIVESTRONG Memory wall.

As we met up with our team in the hotel lobby for dinner due to a monsoon rain taking place outside (and a mini river flowing into the lobby), Rachel approached this as an opportunity.  She spent the evening approaching others with a variety of our team items - t-shirts, magnets, water bottles and even strawberry jam.  This little ball of fire raised over $150 for LIVESTRONG that evening.




The morning of the 5K she was tired from the trip and late night, but perserved anyways.....running/walking/and hula hooping (yes, hula hooping) the distance.  Rachel approached others effortlessly.  The joy she displayed all day long made the milestone of that particular day much easier to deal with.

Yep, hula hooping on a 5K!

And she finishes....on the 7th anniversary of her Dad's passing

That evening, she was off hula hooping in the lobby.....and raised yet another $25 for her hula hooping prowess.  She immediately handed the money to me so we could donate to LIVESTRONG.  A very selfless act on her behalf - and not one I can imagine many children doing when there is a nice big mall across the parking lot.

Raising money for LIVESTRONG....if only I could hula hoop too!

 Sunday morning - her birthday none the less - Rachel rose early and jumped on her bike to complete a 10 mile bike ride in "Hilly Philly".....in the rain....with the same effortless perseverance she diplays each and every day.

Crossing the finish line - on her 8th birthday

And she's off!

Still full of smiles & energy at the end

Riding in memory of her Dad 

This is just another reason WHY I am so passionate about LIVESTRONG.  How could I not be?  This little girl could be sad about missing out on memories with her Dad, but instead she turns what could have been a somber day into a day filled with joy.  Her thoughts are constantly on wanting to help others from losing their parents.  Instead she lives each day fully....no regrets....no sadness....only looking forward!

Rachel brings smiles to my face all day long....as I suspect she does with many other people.  She is a testament to LIVINGSTRONG.

I know a lot of you say I inspire you....but Rachel inspires ME!

This post isn't about fundraising but continuing to live life to it's fullest.  However, if you would like to support mine and Rachel's efforts to help families have a lifetime of memories together, please consider making a donation using the link below:
http://run.livestrong.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=436387&supid=227033402

And if you would like us to honor your loved one on our tribute wall or on my back as I run NYC, please leave me a comment.

The Pebbles in Our Lives

"Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain." ~Author Unknown

 

I came across this quote earlier this week and it really struck a chord with me.  

Each and everyone of us have our "pebbles"....some are more significant than others, but we all have them.

It is how we approach these "pebbles" that defines who we are, how we live our lives, how others look at us - for guidance, for inspiration, etc.

I am often told that I inspire others....this always amazes me as I have my share of "pebbles" each day, and I don't always approach them in a positive manner.  There are times I let those "pebbles" stick to the bottom of my foot and irritate me all day.  

I am often told that I am strong....again, this amazes me as I don't view myself as strong.  What everyone does not see are the emotional breakdowns I have, the discouragement I often feel, the negativity that sneaks in and takes over.

Those feelings of discouragement come and go, just as the periods of intense strength come and go.  Thankfully for the wonderful friends and support I have, the periods of discouragement are fleeting.

I don't consider myself any stronger than anyone else.  I have just been dealt some difficult situations but I truly believe we are all capable of surviving with the same ups and downs that I have.  

I also believe that we ALL have something going on in our lives that can knock us down at any moment. 

I compare it to that pebble that gets stuck in your shoe that becomes an irritation....and will continue to be an irritation unless you take time to stop, untie your shoe and shake it out.  If I don't stop to shake it out, the walk or run will be unsuccessful. 

The same goes with the "pebbles" in our lives.  Some are easy to ignore and persevere through.....others you need to stop, take a deep breath and "shake it out."  For me, shaking it out is sometimes writing my blog, reaching out to others, going  for a run.  But, the point is, I need to recognize those moments and make the effort to address it.

Surrounding yourself with positive supportive empathetic friends is important....and to recognize that those same friends have "pebbles" they need to shake out - regardless of how big or small.  The pebble is an irritation that is keeping them from crossing the mountain.

And keep in mind as you make judgments about others, you have NO idea what may be going on in their lives that is creating a change in an emotional or physical state.  Take a moment to reach out and ask how life is going, help identify the "pebble" and get them back on track to climb that mountain.

I know that I'd be a horrendous emotional wreck if others didn't question my down periods. 

It is tough being viewed as strong all the time.....and I am grateful for those that recognize that strength isn't always in play.

Thanks for continuing to support my blog and my occasional "venting".  Each time I put the words on the page, it is often clearing a pebble - or a rock - out of my path to success.

Was Pat Benetar Right? Is Love Really a Battlefield?

Am I crazy?

This question often runs through my mind.

Usually it is because I swear I left the car keys on the hook but they are no where to be found....how did they end up in the refrigerator?

It often times creeps in my mind when I reflect back on decisions I have made....going on a 14 hour drive with three young children, reading the Harry Potter books out loud to the boys when they were younger (um...ever heard of books on tape Barb?), deciding to run a half or full marathon every month (no I don't think that one is crazy but I know a lot of people think it is). 

Or I make a decision to jump out of a plane - OK that one may actually make me officially crazy.

Today the thought crossed my mind several times as I reflected on several recent conversations I have had with a variety of friends....all unrelated conversations and friends that have no connection to one another.

In all instances, our conversations somehow landed on relationships.  I suppose this isn't a common topic of conversation however two of the individuals are also single so when we "catch-up", this tends to be as common a topic as baseball schedules, homework and school activities are with my fellow mom friends.

The two individuals have VERY different perspectives however all the conversations always make me a bit cynical.   I am so shocked and dismayed that people have such a negative outlook on relationships.  Of course, I am in the minority being single from a very successful loving relationship with the love of my life.  There was no bitterness or misunderstanding in the end of our relationship.

However, I must admit, I have been on the receiving end of some of these "anti" relationship  relationships.  Granted, I am not out there looking to replace Brian....and as a mother of three children, I am not looking for anything serious - no remarriage or moving in with anyone.  I have three children to raise and protect, so I tend to keep the dating and kids separate.

Unfortunately, I have been involved with individuals I knew had histories of commitment phobia - and that was OK since they were very upfront although still disappointing since we always had fun - but at least I knew it wasn't me.  These individuals self awareness of their commitment issues do concern me because they continue to get involved in "relationships", diving in then running....much different than the individual that just dates.  These guys actually want a relationship although they know they will probably bail....but are willing to keep trying....with the same results....and leaving a trail of damage behind them.  A very vicious cycle.  Unfortunately, I think this scenario is more common that I would have ever suspected..

Then there is the other end of the spectrum.....yes, I have been lucky to gotten experience in both options.  Individuals that are very much interested in a serious relationship and profess their love, the future with you, etc, etc, etc....but in reality was no different than the first example.

Which scenario is worse?  In my mind, it is a pretty even tie.  Both leave a lot of damage - to all parties involved.

As I reflected on these two scenarios after the different conversations I have had the last few weeks, I realized that it is a mine field out there.....there are a lot of people walking around with broken hearts and distrust, which unfortunately although I came out of a very loving relationship, my involvement with those that were not from loving relationships, has made me a bit cynical myself.

Yes, Pat Benatar....you were right - Love IS a Battlefield!

I have found myself to be much more guarded, not willing to trust (although I am still dumbfounded that others would want to hurt people they care about.....but I understand it is all our individual baggage that causes this), and finally, the light bulb went off that because of all this baggage floating around the mine field, no one should take anything personally.

One last thought though, as someone that lost the love of her life because cancer randomly picked him to steal, it drives me nuts to see others that don't value the love in their relationships and are so willing to walk away......love isn't easy folks.....and it doesn't come often.....so please stop taking it for granted.  Perhaps then, and only then, we can get rid of that mine field.

So as I sit home alone less than 10 days from the anniversary of my husband's passing, please do this for me.....those of you that are in a serious loving relationship, please remember WHY you love your partner......remember what it was that drew you to that individual - before the kids, before the crazy work schedules, before the soccer and baseball and ballet and gymnastics.  Look over at them and see their beauty....and give them a hug and kiss....for no reason.

Be in love....trust love....enjoy love. 

The Day My World Began Moving in Slow Motion

Seven years ago today my world started moving in slow motion.

Really....just like in the movies.

I remember the start of it all clearly.....I was playing with Rachel after having arrived home with the kids after work.  It was a Friday evening and I was surprised that Brian wasn't home yet.  It was a Friday after all.....why was he working late?

Rachel and I werein the living room when suddenly she began taking her first steps.  I shouted for the boys to join me watching this major accomplishment by their soon to be 1 year old sister.

Suddenly the phone rang.  Brian was on the other end of the line.

It was at this moment that my life began moving in slow motion....Brian was calling me to let me know he was in the hospital, that he went for some routine blood work and was admitted.  I could tell from his voice that he realized this wasn't "routine."  This was the first time I ever heard a little fear and uncertainty from Brian.

Our world would change forever from that very moment.  7 years ago today.

Brian never did see his baby daughter walk.

An apology in advance to my friends....this is when I start to go into a "funk" without really realizing it.  The next two weeks are met with the "7 years ago today" thought process when I wake up.  It always surprises me when I realize I have arrived into my yearly "funk."

I am hoping that this year by writing about it, I may have a different experience and not end up in the tailspin I found myself in last year.    Thank goodness for the LIVESTRONG community for helping me out of this state last year.....you can read more about this at How LIVESTRONG Saved Me From the Tilt-A-Whirl.

In addition to my wonderful friends I am surrounded by each and every day, the LIVESTRONG community has assisted me in moving  forward with my life.....these are the people in my world that "get it", that understand the terrible impact cancer can make on peoples lives, that provide the hope and support when times are rough, that reach out across the miles to check in, send a virtual hug, make me laugh.  It is without them that my life would still be moving in slow motion on some days, and spinning out of control on others.

It is for this reason, I am so passionate about fundraising for LIVESTRONG....and I keep running....and running....and running - RUNNINGSTRONG for HOPE.

I will not stop anytime soon - please consider supporting me and my efforts by donating any amount - $5 for the 5 more minutes we'd all love to have with our loved ones lost to cancer, $25 to have a loved one added to the Tribute Wall and added to the list I run in honor of...$1 or $10 or $100 - 86% of your donation goes to provide the support I have benefited from all these years.
Click here for Barbara's fundraising page

I am forever indebted to my LIVESTRONG family - THANK YOU!

Five for Five on the Fifth

Today is August 5th.

Just another day of summer...right? 

Not in my world.  Each of the next 15 days is significant to me.

Seven years ago, today was the LAST day cancer was not part of our daily world.  Tomorrow is the day Brian was admitted to the hospital and the cancer journey began.


Today was still filled with hope of a life time together.  I would do anything to have 5 minutes back with Brian....and my sister....and my mother....and my father.


So, in honor of today, I am asking you to join me in donating $5 to LIVESTRONG - $5 for 5 minutes on the 5th.

http://run.livestrong.org/teamls2011/barbarasimmons 

Together we can kick cancer to the curb.....I'll do the running!