Solitude Is Pleasant....Loneliness is Not

Loneliness is proof that your innate search for connection is intact. ~ Martha Beck

I love this quote.....it was the only one that gave loneliness a positive spin.


Of course, any post that starts out with a quote about loneliness doesn't sound like it will be exciting, funny and inspiring.

I will admit that you are correct.  Nope, no laughs in this one.....nothing inspiring like running a marathon or jumping into thin air 11,000 feet from earth.

Just a very personal, sole bearing post....about loneliness.  A glimpse into the feelings of a widow, me...and a lot of other widows/widowers I suspect.  This isn't a pity party - although it may sound like one - but it isn't.  It is reality.

There are a lot of pitfalls to being a widow....most of which I have accepted and overcame.  The one I cannot shake is the sheer loneliness.

Yes, I am surrounded by my three children, great friends, co-workers....I lead a pretty active life....I have a nice house.....I have a great job.  So what could possible be wrong?

Well, I am alone.  My kids are kids....and I am their parent not their friend or companion.  My co-workers are people I work with - and I probably spend the majority of my time with - but we are there to work.....it isn't social time....and I manage many of them, so the level of friendship is a bit different.  My friends are amazing....but they have their own lives, their own kids, their own spouses.....or they live far away.  And this doesn't sit easily with someone as social as myself.

"I had become, with the approach of night, once more aware of loneliness and time - those two companions without whom no journey can yield us anything." ~ Lawrence Durrell

It is that companionship of another adult I miss most.  Granted, being married doesn't mean you spend every moment of every day with your spouse...life gets in the way.  I understand that....I was married....so I recognize at times, there can be a sense of loneliness in a marriage.


The difference is.....the loneliness of a widow never goes away.  It hangs on - sometimes hiding for an hour, a day, a month.....but it is always there.

It has always been there....lurking in the background....but in the span of a month, two very close friends moved for fantastic opportunities (very happy for both of them) and a relationship I now realize I was much too invested in by trusting someone I loved to be a part of my life suddenly disappeared into thin air.  Suddenly my loneliness jumped out from it's hiding spot and became even more magnified.

These changes in my life made being along so much more apparent to me.  I suppose I had been too busy dealing with Brian's death and the kids to really ever notice it.

I used to be able to do things on my own.....but now I dread it.  I routinely went to Chicago for the weekend by myself, but I am heading there this weekend and although I'm looking forward to the activities that are bringing me there, I am dreading all the time I will have alone.

To put this in perspective,  think about the last time you were REALLY and truly alone....not for a few days....but for weeks that turn into months that turn into a year.....that suddenly turns into years.....and you realize time has slipped away.....and all you have to look forward to is more days, weeks, months and years alone.  It is an awful feeling and one I think most widows feel.....and keep to themselves.

We widows put on a good front....we have to be strong....many of us have children and jobs which require a level of strength just to get up and moving each day.  Over time, that becomes more routine....and we really don't have a choice but to keep moving - for our kids, for our employment so we can care for our kids.  But, deep down.....deep deep down.....there are a lot of emotions that we are afraid to expose.....for fear of being viewed as weak....for fear of upsetting our children.....for fear of impacting our livelihood, our source of income.  I often times feel trapped in my life and angry that others are happy....every moment of every day is a personal struggle at times.

I love my friendships, I love my children but I miss the companionship of being in a loving relationship.....of having someone wonder about you.....someone that checks in on you.....someone that just wants to hear your voice.....someone to be in the same space as you.....to fill that void and provide you with a feeling of safety.   Of not being alone.

Damn you cancer!  Damn you for ruining my dreams of growing old with the man I love.  Damn you for bringing hopelessness into my vocabulary.

To be clear, this is NOT a pity party.....it is the reality of my situation.  And some days I'm better at being strong and kicking my life into gear.

And some days I am not.

Something we all want and crave.....but I am also not willing to settle.....I would rather be lonely alone than lonely with someone.

The sky is one whole, the water another; and between those two infinities the soul of man is in loneliness. ~ Henryk Sienkiewicz 

"I Can't Wait To Meet Other Kids Like Me"

"I can't wait to meet other kids like me" - Rachel, 7 year old cancer hater

I suppose if you have been keeping up with my blog, you may not wonder why I support LIVESTRONG....I am not a cancer survivor....and unfortunately, all my loved ones were not survivors and never utilized not use the services of LIVESTRONG.

There are a lot of reasons....one being to raise awareness since we were unaware of the resources available to us to assist in my loved ones' fights.

My involvement started several years ago as a method to honor the memory of my husband, dad, mom and sister.  Primarily as an effort for my children and I to heal from the passing of Brian.

As my children have grown, I continue to see firsthand how cancer has impacted their lives....and our lives as a family.  Over time, my involvement has become more focused on making sure others are aware of LIVESTRONG in order to hopefully allow their children to have a lifetime of memories with both their parents.


LIVESTRONG is best know for providing support for those battling cancer and survivors.  Most assume survivors are those that survived cancer.....but there is a large group of survivors out there that never had cancer but provided support and love for those that fought gallantly - both  successfully and unsuccessfully.  The thousands of children being raised in a single parent household due to cancer stealing one of their parents....or those living with the daily struggles of watching a parent suffer with cancer.

My children fall into this category.  I am lucky....I have great kids although there are times I wonder who has raised them due to their decisions or the outlook they have on certain issues.  But, I put my faith in all those that surround me that someday my children will recognize that I did the best I could with what I had available to give given our circumstances.  Still, I feel like they are being short-changed.

One aspect I hate that I cannot change for my children is the feeling that they are different.  I get this....I was them when I was growing up.  My mother passed away from cancer when I was young....but back then it was a taboo topic....and LIVESTRONG was no where in sight.

I made a pledge last November to run one race a month this year to raise funds and awareness for LIVESTRONG.  Unfortunately, I had to break this plan in June....I had a race scheduled but something much more important popped up on the day of the race.  I took a chance that you would all understand.

I had to deliver a very special cancer hater to camp.  This was no ordinary camp.....

My 7 year old daughter had the experience of her lifetime last month attending Camp Kesem at Northwestern University - a program which is recipient of grants from LIVESTRONG.  This is a camp for children that have or had a parent with cancer.  Some of the parents are survivors and others are currently in the battle, while others - like Rachel - have lost a parent.  The common thread....they all understood what cancer is, how it impacts families, and all feel different than most kids their age.

Camp Kesem is offered through different universities across the country and attendance is free of charge to the campers.  This is provided at no cost due to countless fundraising activities and grants from organizations like LIVESTRONG.   

Rachel came home a different girl.  She has always had a lot of confidence but it seemed tripled when I picked her up a week later.  A month later she is still talking about the friendships, the counselors, and the activities.  At least once a week she states how much she misses Camp Kesem.


LIVESTRONG is providing several $10,000 grants to other universities across the country to start up additional Camp Kesem locations.  With all your support over the past three years, I have raised close to $30,000 - the equivalent of 3 camps....and hundreds upon hundreds of smiles, memories and most importantly, reminders to these children that they are not different....they are not alone....they are important and have a world of opportunity ahead of them.

Your donations go towards providing these opportunities!  Over 80 cents of every dollar donated is put back into programs to help cancer survivors - including that crazy red headed child of mine.  Let's work together to provide the same opportunity for other children. 

This is why I support LIVESTRONG....why I run mile after mile.....why I am so passionate about the mission.


I will keep RunningSTRONG for Hope this year to raise funds for LIVESTRONG.  Please help me by considering a donation to LIVESTRONG - no amount is too small or too large - to assist me in my efforts to provide support to all survivors.
Barbara's LIVESTRONG fundraising page 

Two Miles Downward....JUMPINGSTRONG

 "Do not be afraid of death.  Be afraid of the half-lived life."

1 mile = 5,250 feet....so 2 miles = 10,500 feet.

"What in the world is Barb doing?  She hasn't posted in a month and then she's giving us a math lesson?"

Just thought is was important to understand how far 2 miles was....so you could grasp the depth of my latest adventure.

I have not always been very adventurous.  Actually, I was always the one that needed a lot of convincing and was at the edge with one foot in and the other out.  However, as I have gotten older, adventure is much more my style.

I definitely give Cancer credit for this change in my outlook.  After watching so many suffer and have their lives stolen by cancer much to early in life, I have certainly become someone that often states "what are we waiting for?"

Although I have not always been adventurous, I have ALWAYS wanted to jump out of a plane....but out of respect for my spouse - he was an attorney with an full understanding of the risks involved - I never did.

Recently, my VERY adventurous, risk taking friend Kristin, sent me a note as she was preparing to head off  to skydive on her birthday back in April.  I was so tempted to join her but activities that weekend wouldn't allow me.  She came back with stories that only made me more interested in taking on this challenge.

Then a few weeks later, I hit an emotional bottom.  Just a lot of "stuff" and it was Kristin that was there to catch me before I fell any further.  She heard the desperation in my voice and showed up at my doorstep, sat with me for hours on my front porch as I was unable to control the tears and sobs, listened without judgment, and supported me as I worked through some very, very awful and dark times.  (Let me state for the record that I had the support of several friends during this period....you know who you are....and I love all of you!) And, over the next few weeks, as I was no longer drowning but had finally resurfaced, the subject of skydiving came up.

Why was I allowing this "stuff" to put MY life on hold?

What was I waiting for?

Certainly not the Barb you all know....letting life take over....but it happens to the best of us.  Slowly and surely, if we are not paying attention, you can very easily start putting your own life on hold.  I had allowed the negative aspects of life overshadow the positive aspects....and unfortunately, that still creeps in....I am certain we can all relate to that.

No more waiting.....I had been wanting to skydive for 25 years.....it was decided....I was going on my birthday....June 27th,

Kristin and I cleared our afternoon schedules for that day, and the exciting anticipation began to take over.

In true Barb fashion, my black weather cloud appeared on June 27th.  I awoke to thunder, lightening and pouring rain.  The forecast for that afternoon did not appear any better so our plans were scrapped.  Kristin however was not going to allow me to miss out on this adventure....so off we went a few days later.

As we drove the hour to Champaign, IL to the Illinois Skydiving Center (with my cancer hating red-headed daughter in tow), it struck me that I was not the least bit nervous.  When we arrived at the location and I was filling out what appeared to be a ream of paper filled with warnings and waiving a lot of rights, still no nervousness.

I met my Tandem Master, Ken....and of course we started laughing right from the start....Barbie & Ken....and still no nervousness.  Ken strapped on my gear, gave me instructions but never once did he make me feel nervous.  These guys were fantastic....full of energy and positive vibes. Within a few moments, we were loading onto the plane - a plane I may add that reminded me of Fantasy Island and Tatu "Boss, de plane, de plane."  Although I suppose that plane was more luxurious since mine had no seats....and somehow we squeezed in 4 parachuters, gear and a pilot.

 As we taxied through the corn fields, still no nervousness.  As we ascended into the sky, still no nervousness.  Then, at 5,000 feet, the door opened up and one of my fellow riders disappeared....OK, that made me a little nervous.  She just stood up and disappeared from my sight!

Moments before the big moment....with my new BFF

Another 5,000 feet and suddenly it was my time.  Tandem jumping requires a lot of trust....I had just met Ken yet he was strapped to my back and had my life in his hands.  It took me a long time of dating Brian before I trusted my life to him, yet an exchange of money and a brief little training...and I handed over my trust to Ken.

 Anyways, I allowed myself to trust Ken and followed his instructions.  I found myself sitting on the edge of the plane door, my feet hanging out of the plane as there was 2 miles of air between my feet and the ground.  Before I knew it, Ken leaned forward and we were out of the plane.

A bit breezy at 10,500 feet

Off we go!

 I cannot even describe the feeling of freedom and exhilaration I felt as we were free-falling through the air.  I was actually a bit disappointed when the parachute opened just 30 - 40 seconds later.  Funny, I thought the free-fall portion would be the part I would dislike but I loved it!  

 

The next 5 minutes I floated through the air with my new BFF Ken, laughing and chatting as we drifted back to Earth. 

 As soon as we landed, I was ready to jump back on that plane again.  Alas, I couldn't but I would have!

So, what next?  No idea.....but I am keeping my eyes open and will not postpone a dream ever again. 

On another note - I am just $100 shy of hitting the $8,000 fundraising mark for LIVESTRONG.  If you would like to lend your financial support to this outstanding organization....and my efforts of RunningSTRONG for Hope (another race on Sunday), please use the link below to make a donation.  THANK YOU!!

Barb's LIVESTRONG fundraising page 

 

The Last Kiss

"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience." -Victoria Holt

Have you ever reflected back and realize you missed out on the last opportunity of something truly meaningful?

No, not the last donut in the dozen (otherwise that would be every weekend in my household of three children) and not filling your tank with gas before the prices raise twenty cents while you were sleeping.

I'm talking about the last opportunity that you didn't realize was the last.

This happened to me early this year when I hugged someone good-bye that at the time I didn't realize was a "good-bye."   This experience reminded me of another very important moment I have often regretted "missing."  However, recently I realized that this "moment" from the past was actually a wonderful experience.

I remember the moment so clearly.  It was the last kiss I shared with my husband, Brian.   Funny, I remember this kiss more clearly than our first kiss.  Don't get me wrong, I remember the first kiss....on the Ithaca Commons in the middle of January while all my friends were waiting for me to head back to campus.  In true upstate New York fashion, it was snowing and quite cold.   I also recall Brian gave me some lame line that I knew was a lame line at the time....he really didn't need to use a line.  I had hoped he would kiss me.  But, that wasn't the last kiss.....it was just the start of a lifetime together.

No our last kiss is so much more vivid to me.....because I didn't realize at the time I wouldn't kiss him ever again.  Perhaps this is what has caused me to replay it in my mind more often, causing such clarity....and regret for not recognizing it's importance at the time. 

Brian had been admitted unexpectedly to the hospital days earlier and he was headed off to surgery to determine what was causing his medical concerns.  This was prior to our confirmation that he had cancer.  Brian was very worried - I think he watched Paul Newman's The Verdict a few too many times - for those of you not familiar with one of Brian's favorite movies, Paul Newman's character is pursuing a malpractice lawsuit after a woman goes into a coma when going under antheshia for a surgery.  If you knew Brian well, you certainly should not be surprised that he was worried about this scene being reenacted.

Anyways, perhaps it was his worry but I was certain that I'd see him a few hours later.  The kiss was in a hallway leading into the surgical unit and he was on a gurney in a hospital gown.  Not nearly as romantic as Ithaca, NY with snow falling around us.  However, it was this kiss that I vividly remember - and it was this kiss that was filled with the sparks that reminded us both how in love we were with one another.  Not that we ever doubted our love but I think we all can agree that once life gets busy with work, kids, etc, your relationship with your spouse goes into an unplanned "holding pattern."  All the more reason to make an effort to not let this occur!

Brian survived that surgery however the news was terrible and he never left the hospital again.  There were numerous tubes, oxygen, etc. that  wouldn't allow any more than a quick peck on the cheek.

I will spare you the details of those last few days, however they were filled with both joy and sadness.  At this point, we were preparing for the end.....however, again, I still didn't realize that the kiss we shared in the hallway prior to his first surgery would be his last.

Why am I remembering this now?  My realization that I missed an ending I wasn't aware of made me wonder what other endings had I missed.

Which made me wonder....am I bad at anticipating change in my life?

Am I too optimistic?


This reflection has really peaked my sense of observation.....and I will wonder a bit more with every encounter I have.  I certainly do not take life for granted but now that I have put more thought into this, I will no longer take individual actions or encounters for granted either.

"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience." -Victoria Holt

A new guiding principle for me.  After losing several loved ones much too young, I really don't take life too seriously.  I also realize that regret isn't necessary - it's either a wonderful life experience or it is a learning experience.  If I keep my eye's open, hopefully future experiences can be both.

Please no pity party for me......just an observation that I need to be more observant of life - and we should all appreciate the unexpected a bit more.

My Love of Sports - A Father's Day Tribute

Written by my daughter for her father, but my sentiments exactly for my own father

The Boston Bruin's Stanley Cup win this week was very fitting for Father's Day.

My father was a HUGE Bruin's fan - and shared his love of all Boston sports with his family....along with his love of hockey.  We may have been born and raised in New York, but there isn't a Yankee or Met fan among his children - and anyone we brought home to meet him that was, was greeted with a bit of suspect.

My father unfortunately passed away in 2003 after a valiant battle with cancer....never witnessing the Boston Red Sox winning a World Series in his lifetime.  They ended that 86 year drought the following year in St. Louis (I, along with all our local Cubs fans, were thrilled with that win).


I give my father credit for my love of sports and competitive spirit.  He encouraged his children to participate in sports - and back in the 70's that was not as popular as it is now for our children.  Although he wasn't able to attend many of my field hockey games and track meets, he always was willing to drive me to/from practices, camps, and support me in my quest to play in college.  He also was very supportive when I decided to quit playing field hockey - after all those practices, camps, etc.  It was my decision and he never once asked me to reconsider or make me feel regretful.

My mother passed away when I was 2 years old - again a loved one lost after a battle with cancer - and my father was left with his own grief, 5 children and in a city without any family support.  I had no appreciation for what he endured and sacrificed for the five of us - although I suspect all children lack this ability.

How ironic that 36 years later, I was placed in the same situation.  Sadly, my father passed away the year prior to Brian's passing.  I have lost count of the number of times I have wished he were alive so I could ask him how he did it, for advice in raising children alone, how he overcame the loneliness, how he juggled all the parenting tasks so effortlessly.  My father NEVER appeared to be drowning - never appeared to be filled with the anxiety I have on occasion been paralyzed with.

I am so regretful that I never appreciated what an amazing father he was, how he prepared me to be independent and thrive regardless of what life throws at you.

Earlier this month I wrote a tribute to my husband, Brian, for our anniversary.  I would be remiss to not mention him on this important day as well.

Brian did get to see his Phillies win a World Series back in 1980 as a child,  however, the remainder of his life, he was forced to see them viewed as hapless....and just missed out on their most triumphant years.  He would be pleased that his boys and daughter are diehard Phillies fans - and especially baseball fans.

Just as I am a hockey fan because of my father, Jay and Nolan are 100% fans of not only the Phillies but the game of baseball because of Brian.  Any vacation we took involved baseball.  It didn't matter what city and what teams were playing.  Spring Break trips at Spring Training became a tradition for Brian and the boys.....one that we've done without him once and it was actually difficult for my older son to not have his dad there.  So much that he asked we not do it the next year.

I know that my children miss their father as much as I miss mine....and I am absolutely grateful for the lifetime of memories I have of my father.

What interest do you have that you credit your father for? 

June 10th - The Day I Married the Man I Couldn't Live Without

"Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without." ~ James C. Dobson

June 10th.  

Just another day to most but it is a date that will always have meaning to me.

22 years ago, I walked down the aisle to begin a life with Brian.  A life of better or worse, til death do us part.  Brian was the man I couldn't live without.....the love of my life.



The past 7 anniversaries have been difficult but with each passing year, they become more of a day of reflection instead of a day of intense sadness.   As a matter of fact, it kind of crept up on me this year.

The first anniversary after Brian's passing, I was filled with sadness and a heavy heart once the calendar changed to June.  I dreaded the actual day however life didn't change on June 10th....the world didn't end...the sky didn't fall.  Instead, I had a nice long cry and was filled with an awful lot of regret.

Regret?  

That first anniversary would have been our 16th anniversary....which made our last anniversary together our 15th.  A pretty big milestone - 15 years of being happily married.  Wondering how we celebrated? 

Hmmmm.....I wish I could remember how we celebrated.  I suspect it was a day spent at work, then rushing to pick up three kids, swim practice or maybe a swim meet, and perhaps dinner at the baseball field concession stand.

I remember us talking about taking some time for us to take a weekend together but Rachel was just 10 months old and we really weren't in a position to take time to spend anytime just the two of us.

Hence, REGRET.

I have wonderful memories of Brian....we had a wonderful life together.   That I do not regret.

However, I beg all of you to please make time for your spouse.  Make time for each other....we are all busy but as I can attest - as can many of my friends - life can be SHORT.  When we take those vows, the priest never actually tells you when "death due us part" will occur.


Tomorrow will be here in just a few hours, and I will spend time reflecting on the loving, caring husband and father Brian was.  I'll remember how he never got my sense of humor....I always had to let him know I was joking....then he'd catch on to the joke.  I'll remember the way he looked at me as I walked down that aisle, how he hugged me when he saw the look on my face walking into our house each time I learned my sister and father died, and how he calmed me when I was nervous during my pregnancies.  I'll remember how we first met, how he made me feel confident in my abilities, how he was my biggest supporter.  I'll remember how he gave up his career as an attorney in Philadelphia to follow my career opportunities in Bloomington - as he shared with my brother-in-law, "because Barb sacrificed a career to support me through law school.  It's her turn now."

I plan on being on this earth a long time but I cannot wait to meet up with Brian face to face again someday.  I know he is with me and the kids each and everyday.  There are little signs here and there, so I'm certain of it.  But until then, I'll continue to reflect about the wonderful times and try not to think about "what could have been."

Happy 22nd Anniversary Brian.  I love you.

An addendum to my original post - I rarely leave the office or my desk that matter for lunch.  Today I had to run out for a few errands.  When I turned on the car, my wedding song (Just The Way You Are by Billy Joel) was playing on the radio.  Made me pause and smile.  I'll take that as a sign of Brian letting me know he was with me today.

Also, I made a $22 donation to LIVESTRONG today to honor Brian's memory and the 22 years since we had married.  If you would like to do the same, please click on the link below:
LIVESTRONG Fundraising Page